"I was married to a Narcisit, and survived, why I still love him, I don't know why?"

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by amazeofgrace, Apr 18, 2009.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    this is going to be the title of my book, I think... I know, I am crazy, I am still struggling with all these emotions, and one text from the man, sends my heart racing and gives me an instant panic attack! I can't get the "what if's" and "I love hims" out of my mind. I know it's not healthy.

    I have been proud of myself for not answering his calls and blocking his email address and his whack job girlfriend's. My inlaws continue to be "none suppotive" and nasty, with the acception of my one sister in law, but I still do not feel like I can trust her.

    With both kids simulataneously going off the deep end, I feel like driving off a cliff. I am doing well in school and still working (thank God). My parents continue to try and control me and do not understand why I am depressed. sigh.... I gave up trying to explain that one....

    sorry rambling, again, as usual.....:whiteflag:
  2. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Right after my divorce from my second husband, I started dating - and fell head over heels in love with - a guy that was completely wrong for me. He abused drugs and alcohol (although he hid the drug use from me...or tried to), he was selfish, immature and pretty darn proud of himself.

    We only dated a year. It took me a full year before I didn't cry everyday after the breakup. I remember crying my way through grocery shopping, sobbing in the car on the way to and from work. I changed my phone number after I broke up with him, because I knew if I got a middle of the night call, I would go back. My kids would go to my mom's on the weekend and I would just sit in the hall and cry all night. It was probably 5 years before I could honestly say that if given the opportunity that I wouldn't go back to him. And we were only together one year.

    I've never felt that way about someone before or since. I don't think you let yourself get hurt like that twice.

    It's been 12 years and I still think about him now and then.

    The heart has a mind of its own.

  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well put Heather. I couldn't have said it better.

    My Mom was like this with my bio dad forever. (and they divorced before I was born after an awful 9 yr marriage) It took her years to realize that the "love" she still felt for him was for his potiential, not for the person he actually is. My dad is a terrific person, an awesome friend, but a lousy father and even worse husband.

    It will get better in time. Sorry for the cliche, but it's true. As you begin to heal and continue to grow as a person your feelings for ex will change. You may always care about him on some level......but not like you do now.

  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Don't be too hard on yourself
    I think women especially tend to think back to something that comforted us once when we are alone or hurting.
    You have been through so much this past year and are still going through so much, of course he can get to you.
    He is the last man you had a real connection with, regardless of the damage he did.
    Flutter is right on...
    Our minds and hearts are 2 separate beings. Even if we want to control our heart, forget about it.
    I am sorry, just remember how strong you have grown through all of this.

    When you start feeling weak, just picture Sawyer or Sayid! :)
  5. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    You think of the good things and you liked them, you miss them. The bad things are the reason you're not together. Never back, only forward! Thank goodness you are divorced from these in-laws as well. Good for you for not answering his calls!!!!!
  6. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    how about Sawyer and Sayid :O)
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    See you are doing better already! :)
    Just keep thinking like this. Print out a picture of both of those hunks and put them in your purse... when you need a little secret smile and mood booster take a peek! When you are in class you can sneak a peek.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I also dated a guy who was so wrong for me, but I was his--hook, line and sinker. I was tortured after we broke up and what helped me was a wonderful book. It's still in the stores. It's called "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard M. Halpern, PH.D." IT ROCKED.

    That started my healing. It was so obvious that this man was using me yet I kept going back for more. I didn't realize you could get addicted to a person until I read that book.
  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I remember being in the stage you're in, and it's very painful and very confusing. I remember that even when I was in the middle of the worst of the marriage, I didn't really want a divorce, I just wanted things to get better. I didn't want the family to break up, I wanted him to stop drinking, to stop raging, to stop treating me like dirt under his feet. Even though any "love" that I had ever felt for him had long since gone, being married to him was all I knew and a security of sorts, even if it was awful. It was a habit! Being his wife was pretty bad, but if that's not who I was, then who was I? I thought I knew how my whole life was going to play out, and then it did a turn-around on me. When I finally realized that it was NOT EVER going to get better, no matter what I did or how hard I tried, that was the turning point. He was never going to stop being selfish, cruel and abusive, he was not going to stop drinking, he was never going to be what I thought he was when I first married him. It was that "death of a dream" thing that was so hard to give up on, not the reality of what it was but giving up on what I wanted it to be.

    Once I wasn't his wife anymore, I had to find a whole new identity for myself, finally figure out who I was and what I wanted. And I can honestly tell you, I have never been happier or more satisfied in my life than I have been once I finally made that big break and finally detached myself mentally from that horrible relationship! The "unknown" is always the scariest thing, but it does get better - I promise.
  10. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I didn't really want a divorce, I just wanted things to get better. I didn't want the family to break up, I wanted him to stop drinking, to stop raging, to stop treating me like dirt under his feet.

    this is me completely......this is probably alot of poor woman out there!

    I have been reading Co-dependant no more, I will have to look for the one mentioned above :O)

    thank you all, I am just hitting the same rutt over and over again these days, between X, my weight, and the boys going haywire I am just a woman on the edge. Oh and did I mention my parents that I live with that are the verge of a divorce? Ugh!!!!
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I think there are alot of women out there that can totally relate to what you are saying.

    I fell in "like" with someone years ago. It was a plutonic love but was very deep he was like a brother to me and there trully was alot of energy and fun involved with our relationship. It was probably what would now be classified as an 'emotional affair' but the term was not yet coined back then. We were business associates and worked together alot and then became friends and shared family vacations and holidays, meals, parties confidences, everything. I was totally betrayed by him, the details of which I do not wish to discuss. Suffice it to say, I lost almost every friend I had because of his betrayal. In spite of the hurt and lost social circle and I still pined over him. I had to go through hypnosis before I could even fuction properly. Every joyous occasion in my life for 8 years was shared with him. I thought we would be friends forever. It was many years before I could get through a day without thinking of him. He would just pop into my mind for no reason at all. I don't know why but I just couldn't let him go completely out of my heart. I think I was addicted to him and his energy. Ten years went by before I could honestly say that I truly "KNEW" he wasn't the person or friend I thought him to be. I was then healed of him. That was two years more than the friendship had been!

    In your case with your husband, there was so much more emotional stuff involved. There was omantic love, kids, plans for a future together, etc. These are not dreams that die easily. You will get over him though. I have many divorced friends that can attest to that! -RM
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2009
  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    donna that is so true. So sad yet so true. I think it holds weight even for many of us with our kids and our lives in general.
    I think identity is a thing that is never taught nor discussed when we are young. How do we know how to have our own when we spend our lives trying to please and build up others?
    AOG you still have plenty of time to find yours, we all do.
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I thought this might be some kind of title. You know, like that old song, "I've got tears in my ears (From Lyin' On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You)". ;)

    It's good that you are still seeing the humor in your life. I know that it's really rough. I guess I don't have a lot of advice for you, other than to say "this too, shall pass". I think you are doing the right things.
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    My ex was a lot of fun to be with; still is. Knows all the right things to say and do to make people feel grand. Without kids and responsibilities, he was "the bomb".

    But fun and love aren't enough. He was a miserable husband. Even worse father. And I was staying with him because I didn't want to give up "the dream". I didn't want to be a divorce statitic; I didn't want my kids to have a split parents routine...I wanted my kids to have the American Nuclear Family Dream with 2 parents, 2 kids, and 1.5 dogs. It took me forever to get over "the dream".

    I still care for the man. As I learn more about each of my boys, I learn more about him, and he probably can not help a lot of the way he is. But I still did the right thing. He was toxic for all of us.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Treat me like a racehorse if you don't want a nag.

    Anything less is just unacceptable - and as a woman I'm worth MORE than any horse.
  16. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Sounds likes you are doing better.
    What about a Co Dependents meeting? CODA, I think they are called.

    AG...tell your parents to go to FA

    I just got a really interesting catalog of this type of thing...here are some book titles that seems new and look good too!

    The Lessons of Love
    Stop Being Mean to Yourself
    Is IT Love of Addiction
    Co-Depedents Anonymous (book)
    Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin
  17. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Often the dream of what we thought was, in reality is not a dream but a nightmare. You have a life waiting out there. But in order to get there, you've got to leave the past behind----where it belongs. Trust your head, not your heart. The kids will be grown before you know it. Ex will be a bad memory. And your life will be waiting for you when you get there.