And now I am sliding back down the hill towards morose depression. This is just ridiculous. And really, I know increasing or decreasing medications are not the answer because this is all environmental stuff. Every since I moved here, I have had a psychiatrist playing with my medications - its just not working. It seems both Matt and my Mom have suddenly decided to walk out of their denial caves, both at the same time - and they are just breaking my hearts. Monday my Mom found out that her close friend of 30 years passed away suddenly. She didn't tell me until the next day, and she emailed me to tell me what had happened and to tell me she was extremely rattled. I didn't call her until the next day, because it seems she needs to withdraw the more pain she feels. When we finally talked, she just started being honest and real, for the first time ever, about the pain she had in losing H., her daughter. And she wondered if her spirit was happy and whether her soul was at peace. I got tears in my eyes. She has NEVER talked about H with an emotional connection since she died. Then she went on to talk about my Dad's death, and how she knew he was at peace. And that she often prays for Matt, that light would come into his life. She said she had decided to go to Dallas for her friend's funeral. And that is the last time I have talked to her. I have called her 2 more times, but she I guess she wants to be silent, alone. My heart for some reason feels broken for her pain. She is feeling all the pain I have already felt - but it brings it all back up for me again. I guess I also feel very sad that she seems to not want to communicate with me. I know this is my selfish deal, but I feel like I am losing her too. I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Matt, as posted on PE, has also decided he can no longer live his life the way he is and is *finally* seeking counseling. This is such a good, amazing, wonderful thing, but he has gone from this angry, insolent, difficult child to a wounded, vulnerable, fragile soul. He broke down to me crying about remembering more details of the sexual abuse he was a victim of when he was 2 1/2. It broke my heart. I was his mother, I was supposed to protect him. I didn't know. The anger I have for these people is bubbling, right on the surface of my sanity. He, the opposite of my Mom, calls me all the time, so sad, and in so much despair since the scales have fallen from his eyes. He sees his whole life clearly now, from the beginning to the present, and he is totally freaked, and depressed. I can only listen, as I no longer want to serve as his counselor. So I just listen, and try for his pain not to pierce me too. So, after working 3 months as hard as I could to overcome this horrible depression - the tables have been turned - and it has the upper hand again. My counselor is on the verge of being fired because apparently she doesn't like to just listen. She much prefers to fix my problems, and tell me what she thinks I should be doing to overcome the depression. She doesn't know that I already *KNOW* what to freaking do!!!! I always know what to *DO* - but that is irrelevant if you can't find the personal emotional strength to *DO* it. OMG she made me so mad Wed. I just need someone to process out all the craziness that has gone on in the last year - not fix it for me. I just needed someone to listen, empathize, talk to....period. I can do the fixing stuff myself. Anyway -- thanks again for listening. I just feel so crummy and in so much pain - i just needed to not keep it inside for today.