I was on the upswing.......

[Steely]

And now I am sliding back down the hill towards morose depression. This is just ridiculous. And really, I know increasing or decreasing medications are not the answer because this is all environmental stuff. Every since I moved here, I have had a psychiatrist playing with my medications - its just not working.

It seems both Matt and my Mom have suddenly decided to walk out of their denial caves, both at the same time - and they are just breaking my hearts.

Monday my Mom found out that her close friend of 30 years passed away suddenly. She didn't tell me until the next day, and she emailed me to tell me what had happened and to tell me she was extremely rattled. I didn't call her until the next day, because it seems she needs to withdraw the more pain she feels. When we finally talked, she just started being honest and real, for the first time ever, about the pain she had in losing H., her daughter. And she wondered if her spirit was happy and whether her soul was at peace. I got tears in my eyes. She has NEVER talked about H with an emotional connection since she died.

Then she went on to talk about my Dad's death, and how she knew he was at peace. And that she often prays for Matt, that light would come into his life. She said she had decided to go to Dallas for her friend's funeral. And that is the last time I have talked to her. I have called her 2 more times, but she I guess she wants to be silent, alone. My heart for some reason feels broken for her pain. She is feeling all the pain I have already felt - but it brings it all back up for me again. I guess I also feel very sad that she seems to not want to communicate with me. I know this is my selfish deal, but I feel like I am losing her too. I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Matt, as posted on PE, has also decided he can no longer live his life the way he is and is *finally* seeking counseling. This is such a good, amazing, wonderful thing, but he has gone from this angry, insolent, difficult child to a wounded, vulnerable, fragile soul. He broke down to me crying about remembering more details of the sexual abuse he was a victim of when he was 2 1/2. It broke my heart. I was his mother, I was supposed to protect him. I didn't know. The anger I have for these people is bubbling, right on the surface of my sanity.

He, the opposite of my Mom, calls me all the time, so sad, and in so much despair since the scales have fallen from his eyes. He sees his whole life clearly now, from the beginning to the present, and he is totally freaked, and depressed. I can only listen, as I no longer want to serve as his counselor. So I just listen, and try for his pain not to pierce me too.

So, after working 3 months as hard as I could to overcome this horrible depression - the tables have been turned - and it has the upper hand again. My counselor is on the verge of being fired because apparently she doesn't like to just listen. She much prefers to fix my problems, and tell me what she thinks I should be doing to overcome the depression. She doesn't know that I already *KNOW* what to freaking do!!!! I always know what to *DO* - but that is irrelevant if you can't find the personal emotional strength to *DO* it. OMG she made me so mad Wed. I just need someone to process out all the craziness that has gone on in the last year - not fix it for me. I just needed someone to listen, empathize, talk to....period. I can do the fixing stuff myself.

Anyway -- thanks again for listening. I just feel so crummy and in so much pain - i just needed to not keep it inside for today.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Yes, Steely -
You need to not keep it inside.
Not just for today.

Remember... we're not tdocs, but... we're always here to listen.

This is just another bump in the road, another hair-pin curve.
Its hard to have SO much happening all at once.
Yet... the things that are going on, actually sound positive.
Its just that... it takes more out of you right now, than what you have available to give.

Do whatever you have to do to look after yourself. I agree that medications adjustments aren't going to solve this... this would be overwhelming even to a person with no predisposition toward depression... and really, maybe that is a better word. Maybe it really isn't the depression at all... just so totally overwhelming that its hard to cope? Almost like needing grief counselling... ??

 

[Malika]

Hugs, Steely. I totally understand. The most healing experience I have had in talking of a deep sorrow was to one of my brothers who just... listened. Really heard what I said and "received" it. No words that tried to dismiss my feelings or take them away or fix them. You are right that that is what you need and that that deep listening - compassionate listening - will help heal.
The honesty and authenticity of your mother, the strides that Matt have made... they must gladden your heart. I am sorry you are facing this black beast of depression. You seem like a really lovely person who deserves good things.

 

[trinityroyal]

Steely,
No advice, no "you should's", just hugs. As many of them as you need.
I'm so sorry for your pain. And your mom's and Matt's.

Trinity

 

[AnnieO]

I'm here to listen too - post away!

I noticed something once... When things started to settle down, and we weren't dealing with any koi... Both husband and I slid into depression. It's like you are "on" 24/7/365 and then... You're not, and your brain and body don't know what to do.

(And you can always PM me on facebook if you like!)

 

[Hound dog]

When things started to settle down, and we weren't dealing with any koi... Both husband and I slid into depression.

I wonder if step hasn't hit the nail on the head here.

It's good that your mom is finally talking, and talking to you, which means you can talk to her. I know it's painful and emotional, but it's still good for you both to work through it together to some degree.

It's awesome Matt is seeking treatment. But that is his journey. Other than encouraging him to talk with his therapist ect, I'd pretty much leave that one alone. He needs to do that one pretty much by himself.

But that leaves you more time to both think and your own emotions to surface to be dealt with, which makes it easier for the depression to get the upper hand again. There is nothing to distract you from dealing with your own stuff. Also a good thing, but it's rough going. And a therapist that just sits there and listens would be worth gold.

(((hugs)))

 

[cubsgirl]

I don't know what to say...so here's some ((hugs)). I'm so glad that Matt is seeking treatment on his own - what a gigantic step.

 

[buddy]

Hugs and two ears (well, eyes here) for you.

I would feel sad too if my mom wasn't up to communicating with me. It does sound like she is just not up to communicating though, not that she does not want to talk to you... I know it is a small difference, and when it is your mom, well for me at least, I want to make sure she knows she is safe it talking to me. And as hurtful as all this is with Matt, I have to say, congratulations. You have built him up and loved and supported him to a place where he has the strength to do this! yes he is the one doing it, and he should be congratulated, but YOUR instincts, your support, have given him the wings to fly. Just keep doing it, keep being that listener and allowing him to see that he can do this just as you always knew he could. This is all very powerful.

His being abused is awful. Never forget this..... YOU were a victim too. The abuser hurt both of you. You did not LET this happen of fail to protect. you were both victims of a crime.... now you will be survivors together. I directly told this to my mom and dad following a neighbor's violations of me from K-2nd grade. We were all victims and are all survivors.

I hope I didn't just make the same mistake as your therapist, I am not trying to tell you what to do.... just sharing what I see here and my experiences. I have gone into therapy sessions long ago...and now even say this to my sisters or friends.... I really need you to just listen today... I am not looking for advice. Can you do that for me? It sets the stage. Some people are just in that problem solving mode and it is not right for many people. Most people just need to process and have their feelings confirmed and upheld. Just MHO.

After years of anti depressants, I did finally go off years ago. I still had and have times of depression, but for me, I can tell when it is situational...I have hope and no sadness about other things...just the situation and that in itself can seem to overtake everything on some days, but not in the long haul so for me it has worked without. If that ever changed I would not hesitate to go back on them. But there is an overall healthier feeling off them for me, for now.

 

[KTMom91]

I'm here, Steely. PM me on FB if you like. Many hugs.

 

[Steely]

Thank you for all of YOUR advice and ears..... I welcome your insight and wisdom.

My therapist is convinced that it would he the healthiest thing for me to be working at a regular job and not have my own business. And she is probably right. HOWEVER - at this point I still would rather die than work for corporate America again. And until she helps me resolve in my mind what happened to me in my last job - than it is futile to keep pushing me back into a structured company. She says it like every single session.
"Well, IF you had a structured job" or "do you really think writing is going to take you anywhere?" or "what if this business doesn't work out?" or my favorite, when I say I miss AZ she wants me to just move back - really???? I just got HERE. Just writing this makes me want to scream again. I want someone who supports my vision, understands my limitations, and empowers me with faith. Grrrrr.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Wow... <not>.
Talk about a "positively negative" therapist!

But... she might have a tiny sliver of a point... hope you don't mind if I point it out...
This whole structured-job corporate stuff?
What happens if you can find some way to pick up a very small part-time position... but with a regular committment? i.e. not on-call, but, say, 2 hours on each of Tues and Thurs, every week, or something like that? Not in your real field of work, but maybe retail, or something to do with a non-profit org., or some such?
The point would be... to create some stability "hooks" that you are forced to plan around... adds some structure to your life, without being "captive" (I totally get that part!)

Toss the idea out if it doesn't fit.

(maybe need to toss the therapist too and find a replacement... but sometimes you have to find the replacement first, Know what I mean??)