I was ready to WALK last night...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gcvmom, Mar 10, 2009.

  1. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'd just about HAD IT with homework and difficult child 1 not doing it and lying about it, and every friggin' day being a battle to get him or difficult child 2 to pay attention, to stay in one place, to DO the work and not simply wander around the house doing other things.

    The kids got started late on homework (after 5pm -- after 6pm for difficult child 1 because he just didn't get started) because we had to take difficult child 1 for labwork after school and I didn't dare leave the other two home alone for that long because difficult child 2 is not completely stable right now.

    husband comes home about 7:30 and of course everybody wants to run and greet him. That's fine -- I'm glad they love their dad so much.

    I'm sitting at the table with difficult child 2 so I can guide him with his math homework when he gets stuck on a problem. easy child's already done with her homework (of course) and is in her room. difficult child 1 is in his room working (supposedly).

    At 8:00, difficult child 2 wants to take a break from the math and work on something else, so I'm asking him to tell me what else is due for tomorrow. He starts to tell me about something that's due another day and husband decides he's going to help him do that by looking something up on his laptop. I tell difficult child 2 not to worry about that assignment because he needs to focus on what's due TOMORROW first. husband keeps on with the laptop, but starts pulling up YouTube clips and funny commercials and is showing them to the kids. So I get up to load the dishwasher. A few more minutes goe by and he's still fooling around looking at movie clips and stuff like that. difficult child 2 is NOT working. And now difficult child 1 is joining in.

    And by now, a half hour has gone by and it's coming up on 8:30pm. I am TRYING to not get frustrated and start nagging. But I am so MAD because I am TIRED of being the only one who worries about the difficult child's getting their work done! So I grumbled something about them all being on their own and went upstairs to watch TV.

    About 5 min. later, husband comes up and is mad at me for being mad at him (of course). I'm supposed to consider how he feels -- that I rob him of time with the kids. Maybe I do. Then he insinuates that it's my fault their homework isn't done!

    I don't sense that he shares the concern over homework, yet I am expected to ensure they do it. I am tired of feeling like the sole person carrying the burden of difficult child problems. I'm sure all you single parents can relate. Some days I FEEL like I am the only one parenting in this house. I told husband maybe I should just go back to work because then I wouldn't have time to worry about the fact that difficult child 1 is failing so many classes. easy child heard this and started to cry because we were arguing and because she doesn't want me to work because she's afraid she won't see me. So now I'm feeling guilty for scaring her AND angry at not feeling supported AND frustrated with the whole situation.

    And so I can feel even more lousy, difficult child 1 brings home an A on his Algebra test, which I am REALLY happy about, but I find I can't feel happy for long because he is still dropping the ball big time in so many other areas!

    I am SO glad he's getting tested soon.

    I think I really need to detach here from the school drama because it's driving me nuts worrying about it all the time.

    As for the want ads -- really not much in there... and I'd have to either work during school hours or nights. husband's life would become a LOT more stressful if I went back to work. And so would everyone else's.

    Okay, vent is finished for now.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Wish you lived closer. I'd hire you in a heartbeat!
  3. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I AM a single parent and I totally know what you are feeling. When my husband was alive I too felt like a single parent. It was always play time for the kids and I was the one to maintain.


  4. lizzie09

    lizzie09 lizzie

    So sorry GCV MOM
    I too have always had to be the one to get the homework done
    It is exhausting especially if there is any delay getting started.

    I am always the baddie, husband is always the funny, lovable parent LOL!

    I think we women on the whole put our hearts into so much and have such dedication. We nearly kill ourselves trying to get everything done.

    My difficult child is now finished school but husband commented recently that the reason the other 3 boys lacked motivation with their studies was because I spent so much time doing homework with difficult child. all those years ago!!!! I thought I would murder him on the spot and this was said in front of them all.......my credibility was destroyed big time!
  5. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    When do your kids get "Dad" fun time? You said the kids started work late this time---around 7:30 or so, is that when they usually get to "hang out with Dad"?

    Either way, is there some other time between 7:30 and bedtime that he gets to see them each night? Maybe you two could schedule 30min a night, a set time for the kids to see Dad. Or tell husband that if he wants kid time, he can help them with their homework, too, y'know. :)
  6. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    This is what I do....if homework is taking too long....and she is giving me a hard time, which she frequently does....I tell her okay....take a break. Then I put the work away and fire off a note to the teacher. Since the teachers are always in denial of Missy's issues, this note alerts them to the problems. I am just not going to fight with her.

    She's in the after care program at school three days a week. It's inexpensive babysitting for two and a half hours, but they have them do their homework. That's worth the money, right there. I usually only have to deal with homework one or two nights.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I think......it's about time for an IEP tweak.

    Whenever your childs homework is stressing YOU -that much? I would petition the school district for one of three things that could help (maybe)
    1.) a shadow in school to take time with him while he is IN school to work with him on homework BEFORE he comes home and give only a progress report instead of grief. Homework done before he gets home.
    2.) An IEP where LESS homework is given.
    3.) A tutor at home after school that does NOTHING but homework help.

    Just thinking out loud.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I can't add much to what has already been said.
    been there done that.
    I'm learning to detach, and also, not to allow difficult child to play PS2 or computer games unless he has finished his homework. He's sneaky, but I find out within 24 hrs because the teacher and I email one another a lot.

    Take a deep breath.
    I hope you get a break today.
  9. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    The homework battle isn't worth it. When my difficult child "can't" do the work, I too write a note to the teacher. He is in school all day long and pushed constantly at something that is really difficult for him. I'm not going to spend all of our "home" time together doing homework. I give it a reasonable amount of time, 30-40 minutes (he's only in 1st grade) and then we put it up. It doesn't do anyone any good to force feed the information. I've found they don't retain it anyway.

    One thing I am learning is to choose my battles. Homework isn't one of them.
  10. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Thanks all! Yes, I need to just back off and let the chips fall where they may. It's the only way for the rest of the world to see what the difficult children' issues are. It's just so hard for me to do sometimes. I don't know why I am so wrapped up in it.

    I don't even want to LOOK at difficult child 1's grades online anymore. It's like watching the stock market -- drives me crazy. I'm just sick of asking him about his assignments and finding out later he either lied or "forgot" about something. That's why this evaluation is so critical for him -- so we can understand why he's like this and what we can do about it.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry this is such a tough issue. I know we had huge battles with Wiz about it also.

    I agree that an IEP tweak is in order. Sending notes to the teacher that homework isn't done because there was a problem is also a good idea. You might want to include a sentence or 2 saying that he will do the homework on the weekend, or that it should be graded on whatever part he got done, or whatever you want from the teacher. I mean let her know if you want her to do anything or if you are just letting her know there was a problem, Know what I mean??

    It might be a good idea to actually LOOK at the amount of time difficult child 1 spends at school, and on homework. Personally I have always had a problem when my kids spend all day at school, get home about 4:30 or 5 and then have an hour or more of homework. they spend a LOT of time in school, homework is just too much for some kids.

    With Wiz math was our biggest battle. In the textbooks they usually arrange problem sets so that the harder problems are at the end and the easier ones are at the start. So if Wiz could do the last 3-4 problems correctly and easily I would not make him do the easier problems. If he had trouble with the last few problems he had to do them all though.

    sometimes the school has unreasonable homework expectations, in my opinion. I know kids who do an hour of homework a night for EACH class. The teachers heard that an hour a night was expected and they never coordinated to see if other teachers were giving an hour a night also.

    You might always think of getting difficult child 1 a planner to put hte assignments in, set aside X amount of time for him to do homework in and make sure he is home and in a place he can do the work for that time, and after that it is HIS job to turn it in, finish what he didn't do or take the consequences for not doing those things.

    in my opinion checking grades daily is like weighing yourself daily. It is a WONDERFUL way to drive yourself NUTS! Maybe set aside 1 day a week or even just 2 days a month to check on his grades. Maybe the 1st and 15th, or every other Monday, or something like that. It will give you an idea of the trends with-o making you take that rollercoaster ride up and down!

    Whatever happens, set aside some "MOM fun time" with the kids each week. Time wehre you do an activity with them, even if it is playing a video game or giving a back rub or tossing a ball or water balloon in the yard. Time to reconnect to them in a FUN way, so that they see you as more than just the person making them do homework and chores and things. It will be good for all of you.
  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    K is only in 1st grade and I already refuse to battle over homework.
    Luckily we get all of her home work on Monday. She can only make it about 15 minutes and then she is done. Maybe 1/2 hour if we are lucky.
    Some days she gets it all done in one night. Some weeks it doesn't all get done.

    On her 504 plan it says she is approaching homework completion. I wanted it noted because I have a feeling it is just going to get worse.
    I would go revisit the IEP also.
    We have yet to have an IEP. But reading over the years all of the struggles with homework, the advice always seems to be the same. Try to avoid the battles as much as possible.

    Of course I am sure this doesn't mean give up. Also husband has to help more as well.
    I have husband start the home work while I start dinner.
    I know your husband got home later, but maybe something can be worked out. So you both can be a part of the homework and then part of the fun.
  13. Stella

    Stella New Member

    I'm with Jlady on this one. I no longer choose to battle over homework. If she doesn't get it done, it's up to the teacher to implement the consequences as far as i'm concerned and to date I have never been called up to the school about her homework. I have told her teacher on numerous occassions that GHG is not writing down her full homework and bringing home the correct books. She said she would do "spot checks" on her to see if all homework is done as she has 29 other pupils in the class and cannot check it all every day.

    In saying that, I have a tutor coming to the house every monday to help her with spelling and maths and she seems to be working well for her (she's better for strangers than she is for me!!). I plan to keep that up during the summer holidays too so she can catch up a bit with the rest of the class!
  14. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Stella, I have also had teachers half-heartedly agree to periodically "check" my difficult children' notebooks for assignments being written and materials brought home. difficult child 1 is supposed to have his planner signed by the four core teachers, who are supposedly verifying that he has all his assignments writtend down, but they put all the responsibility on HIM. And he is a kid who forgets! So husband and I are still not sure how that is supposed to be a consistent support. Fortunately, he has all his textbooks at home, so that's not ever the issue. He just forgets to write things down, and forgets to follow up on things that are not finished. There's only so much I can do on that front. That's why we're going for an evaluation on him -- to figure out why he's like this and what the best way is to help him deal with it. I won't even go into group project issues, which he invariably fails at every time. I think he may have social skills issues that get in the way here.

    difficult child 2 has only two teachers, and his math/science teacher is the only one that reliably checks his planner to make sure he has assignments written down for the night's homework. Unfortunately, neither teacher checks for materials and there are many times when we don't discover that something's missing until it's too late to go back to school to retrieve it.

    The material they both bring home is not the issue. I can help with that, and they are fairly bright enough that they "get" how to do it. (Although difficult child 1 often has a writing block and has trouble getting started on some assignments). It's just the organization, time management, and follow through where they are L-O-U-S-Y.
  15. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You know social issues are not looked into enough I think. I don't know how it is in most Schools but it seems like the administration kind of glosses over any social immaturity or awkwardness.
    Yet I really think it does affect how our kids learn, listen, work etc.
    K is so socially immature that she falls apart if someone says anything that she misconstrues the wrong way.
    Or if the other kids are too loud, too above her head, too anything that normal kids do. She will shut down.
    Or get agitated.

    If a school doesn't take these things into account how can she or any other difficult child work in a group?
    She has a hard time in group and has had to have her *groups* changed a bunch of times already.

    I can't imagine her having to deal with that and then making sure she has her school work together also.
    She is a mess in her head by the time that bell rings.
    I have to pick her up and check that she has each and every thing...

    Ugh... I know your kids are older, but if they don't get help with these things do they ever get it?
    School is so rush rush as it is for these kids.
    I am really glad you are going for the evaluation.
    K went yesterday for her first 2 hours and she LOVED it!!!
    She even made it to school after and did really well.