They're not totally against me going to treatment but they just don't want me to now. They want me to try to salvage the one class I'm flunking and are worried (as am I) about the commitment I made to the professor I'm working for. I've worked 7 hours the whole semester for him--why oh why did I get into drugs.
They also pointed out that even though I used to get good grades (and have on occassion since getting out of the psychhosp and then starting to--what I'll now admit was and partially still is--self medicate away the experience and the pain of the label they put on me), I have withdrawn once while I was in the uni's psychiatric hospital and I withdrew again last semester because I was super paranoid from some of the fake weed I'd smoked last winter, and they're afraid if I withdraw again I might not be allowed back at the university.
The thing is, I'm failing that one class I have left anyway. They want me to buckle down hardcore and try to do super well but the best I could possibly pull it up to is *maybe* a "C" range grade. If I withdraw or have to take an F to go to rehab, that's one more hole on my transcript but I can retake it next semester to replace the grade in my GPA and repair the damage the low grade would do. You can replace the grade as long as it's a "C-" or worse. If it's a "C" or better, you can retake it but the "C" still factors into your GPA, so I'm basically looking at maybe start taking my Adderall again and absolutely working my butt off for a grade I cringe at, with the best case scenario being an awful grade that I can't replace, and then spending my break at rehab and I'm thinking that rehab is going to be hard work, not a break in itself.
I'm tempted to push for going sooner rather than later, but college (the academic and non-party extracurricular parts) really is what's going to be my anti-drug. Then again, if they knew it was for rehab, I would hope they wouldn't kick me out for it but I'm not sure. I've just now started sampling AA groups in my college town and have seen students, grad students, and even professors in AA and realized "Dang, I can do this," and now they spring the possibility that getting help could be take away what I want to get help in order to be able to accomplish.
I talked to a former roommate of mine last night on Skype for his take and he thought rehab was a good idea, but he thought I meant going away for multiple months (whereas I was thinking 1 month). I took the fact that he immediately thought that a more intensive intervention than I was originally talking about would help me as a sign that rehab may be the right direction. His mom is a crisis counselor who has worked for psychiatric hospitals and school districts and he got me in touch with her, which was super helpful. I got paid today so I could theoretically use, but I told my parents this so when the direct-deposit came in, they transferred most of the money to their account and said they hope I wasn't mad. The addict in me was kind of ******, but I'm happy they did that. I didn't immediately try to go get some K2 or alcohol today even before they said that, but then again nothing set me off like it has in the last couple days. I feel a LOT better physically having not used since last week and I'm starting to feel happy again... like the excitement and vivideness of life is coming back. I'm horrified I screwed my brain up because I can't concentrate or remember at all right now, but I'm only a few days off the stuff and I did quit taking my ADD medicine.
Thanks for the advice and input on here all of you. It's been very useful to hear what did/didn't work for your difficult children, your advice on my situation**, and (especially in the PE forum) about how some of you or your difficult children have gone through similar things and have been able to do things that I've worried I already ruined for myself (like adopt, get an advanced degree, etc.; very heartening).
They also pointed out that even though I used to get good grades (and have on occassion since getting out of the psychhosp and then starting to--what I'll now admit was and partially still is--self medicate away the experience and the pain of the label they put on me), I have withdrawn once while I was in the uni's psychiatric hospital and I withdrew again last semester because I was super paranoid from some of the fake weed I'd smoked last winter, and they're afraid if I withdraw again I might not be allowed back at the university.
The thing is, I'm failing that one class I have left anyway. They want me to buckle down hardcore and try to do super well but the best I could possibly pull it up to is *maybe* a "C" range grade. If I withdraw or have to take an F to go to rehab, that's one more hole on my transcript but I can retake it next semester to replace the grade in my GPA and repair the damage the low grade would do. You can replace the grade as long as it's a "C-" or worse. If it's a "C" or better, you can retake it but the "C" still factors into your GPA, so I'm basically looking at maybe start taking my Adderall again and absolutely working my butt off for a grade I cringe at, with the best case scenario being an awful grade that I can't replace, and then spending my break at rehab and I'm thinking that rehab is going to be hard work, not a break in itself.
I'm tempted to push for going sooner rather than later, but college (the academic and non-party extracurricular parts) really is what's going to be my anti-drug. Then again, if they knew it was for rehab, I would hope they wouldn't kick me out for it but I'm not sure. I've just now started sampling AA groups in my college town and have seen students, grad students, and even professors in AA and realized "Dang, I can do this," and now they spring the possibility that getting help could be take away what I want to get help in order to be able to accomplish.
I talked to a former roommate of mine last night on Skype for his take and he thought rehab was a good idea, but he thought I meant going away for multiple months (whereas I was thinking 1 month). I took the fact that he immediately thought that a more intensive intervention than I was originally talking about would help me as a sign that rehab may be the right direction. His mom is a crisis counselor who has worked for psychiatric hospitals and school districts and he got me in touch with her, which was super helpful. I got paid today so I could theoretically use, but I told my parents this so when the direct-deposit came in, they transferred most of the money to their account and said they hope I wasn't mad. The addict in me was kind of ******, but I'm happy they did that. I didn't immediately try to go get some K2 or alcohol today even before they said that, but then again nothing set me off like it has in the last couple days. I feel a LOT better physically having not used since last week and I'm starting to feel happy again... like the excitement and vivideness of life is coming back. I'm horrified I screwed my brain up because I can't concentrate or remember at all right now, but I'm only a few days off the stuff and I did quit taking my ADD medicine.
Thanks for the advice and input on here all of you. It's been very useful to hear what did/didn't work for your difficult children, your advice on my situation**, and (especially in the PE forum) about how some of you or your difficult children have gone through similar things and have been able to do things that I've worried I already ruined for myself (like adopt, get an advanced degree, etc.; very heartening).
