I went to the therapist yesterday. My plan for difficult child and work situation:

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dashcat, Sep 23, 2012.

  1. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    ...is what you have been saying all along.

    I talked with a person I trust at the FA meeting last week. I've talked to you people via this forum, and a local CD friend by phone and, yesterday I went to the therapist.

    It's time.

    The therapist knows her, knows the situation and - while careful not to breach confidentiality - helped me to see that setting a deadline with the understanding that difficult child will have to make new iving arrangements if she does not find a job by then, really is the only way at this point. Well, I suppose another way would be to go on like this forever, but that hardly seems an option.

    She's at the game with Mr. Ostrich today and, since I have a fairly open schedule tomorrow, I plan to talk with her then. I'm going to give her three weeks. I think that's enough time,without being too much time. She will need to find a job by then and she will need to show me proof that she has that job....a paycheck stub an ACH deposit record, something.

    I also plan to suggest that we attend a therapist session together so that we an work through the kinks of this (and, hopefully, to get her closer to seeing a psychiatrist). I am going to do my best to present this in a firm, but loving way. "This is hard. I love you enough to do what is hard, but doing what we are doing will be worse in the long run."

    After starting work, she will begin to pay rent on a sliding scale (she was doing this at her other job),working up to a set amount.

    I think she may be sensing the end is near becasue she's been extra helpful over the last few days. She doesn't love doing the work for me, but she doesn't want to see it end either - as that means she will have to don a smock and wait on strangers, or work in a factory, or something.

    I know I'm in for a bumpy ride. The whole thing with the note last week and all the despair, followed by mania and drama have been exhausting. Still, I have to be careful not to fall into the trap of walking on eggshells. I'm beginning to suspect I may have been played a little... more than a little. I say this even though I know she is honestly struggling. That's the tough thing about having a difficult child. We know they struglle,yet rolling over and giving in hurts them even more.

    Wish me luck. I will report back.

  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Good luck, Dash!
  3. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Good luck! I'm rooting for you and difficult child.
  4. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Wishing you luck!
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Good luck!
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I am wishing you luck, but I know you don't need it because you've got it all together. Try not to let her get emotional, derail you with a million questions/excuses, and just stay on topic. For her own self respect and independence, she needs to get out of the house and be employed.
  7. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I'll do my best, Cjane, but I'm a big crier. I cry at dog food commercials. I called Nancy IN TEARS over the stupid gas money/job hunting thing, even though I knew I was right. Fortunately, difficult child did not witness the gas money tears! I've actually been better recently, but I will have to work very hard to stay strong. That's why I need all these good luck wishes, mojo, prayers and bead rattling...
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's time dash, although I know it will be very very hard. I keep remembering what Dr. Phil says, that we do them no favors by letting them stay with us and not man up and get a job and support themselves. I cry very easily also so I know what you will be going through.

    If she has any interest in being a server Harpo's Sports Bar is hiring, the one in Brookpark. Of course that's not the best place for our difficult children, but mine just got a job at a sports bar near her. But has she tried the grocery stores arounf where you are? I always wished difficult child would get a job there, good wages and benefits. What about some of those stores in Grande Square. I'm gonna put my thinking cap on for what's around you. by the way I ate at Thyme 2 a couple weeks ago with my sister in law and Aunt...it was awesome.

    JoAnn Fabric always hires a lot of extra people for the holidays and if she likes it and does well maybe it will become permanent.

  9. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I knew what you mean about the grocery stores ... I've talked to her about it and she feigns interest (even applied, or pretended to) awhile back. Her history is pretty bad, which won't help her any. She might have to settle for something she isn't crazy about. Welcome to the real world. We have quite a few factories out here. They pay well and have benefits. The thing is, she really did work hard around here - scraping and paintnig my shed out back is no small job...and she was proud of what she did. Yet she shows no interest in working as a painter. There's a lot of magical thinking going on. Right now, she's researching interior design schools. This after wedding planning, legal mediating, cosmetology, social work and psychology. Sigh.

    Thyme 2 is one of my favorite places. You can walk to my house from there!
  10. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I hope it goes well.....sending good vibes and a virtual box of tissue. I get the crying. I do more than my share of it.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm slow on the uptake this week. Just saw your post. If it helps at all I support your plan. I also support the concept of delaying tears until difficult child's aren't around. Even if they love us...it shows weakness. Ugh. Hugs DDD
  12. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Do you think if you turn the heat up on her, she will run back to Mr. Ostrich? Did this come up at therapist's?
  13. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know how hard this is. It sounds like a solid plan. We're behind you, and here to support you. Sounds like therapist really gets it, and that's awesome.
  14. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Thanks, all. I am well rested and as prepared as I am going to be. And, yes, I will work hard to keep the tears in check. CJane, She texted Mr. Ostrich the day I wouldn't let her use my car to job hunt. In the text she said "I am so done with mom. I can't live here anymore". He, being an Ostrich, ignored the text. He claims that he told her she cannot come back because she left her room in the state of a toxic waste dump when she left to live with boyfriend. At first I doubted this (very un-Ostrich like), but I've been thinking lately that it just might be true. Whether or not he would allow her to come back is anyone's guess. On one hand, he is very weak when it comes to saying "no". On the other hand, he is VERY selfish with his time and space. I think he'll do whatever he can to prevent her moving back.

    He lives 1.5 blocks from us and, since she's been living here (April), he has never ONCE invited her to spend time with him one-on-one. Not even for a pizza. He did take her to the browns game yesterday (he has season tickets with his brothers and there was an extra ticket) and his girlfriend invites her to join them for dinner/bonfires whens he has her kids. difficult child also invites herself to her dads to watch TV (I don't have cable) and to the GFs for dinners, but he has not initiated spending any time with her alone. I find this very sad.
  15. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Well, it's done. She took it well - or seemed to. By that, I mean she didn't pitch a fit...but I also don't think she actually gets it in any real sense.

    I don't know whether she'll come through, but I have to be prepared to act if she does not. I did give Mr. Ostrich a heads up, as I felt it was the only decent thing to do. He was appalled that I would do this. He said that there are college graduates out there looking for work with no success. I pointed out that "looking" was the operative word here, but he is clueless. He doesn't want her to live with him, yet he won't back me up in this.

    All I can do now is wait. I know I did the right thing, but that doesn't make it easy.
  16. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Does she believe that you mean it? My difficult child would say yeah, okay and think nothing would change. The time when she realizes you really mean will be the tough time.

    I'm rooting for you!

  17. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Tnanks. I've always followed through with consequences and she knows it in her heart of hearts. However, I do think it's possible that she's just far enough away from reality that she believes that something will happen to rescue her before that date. She's been very busy online trying to meet people. I think she's looking for someone to take her in (instead of looking for a job). When I left yesterday after our talk, she was looking at the Sunday classifieds. When I returned three hours later, she was watching the entire Lord of the Rings series (she does this every couple of days .. the whole thing) and seemed blissful and relaxed.

    I have no idea what she will do from here, but I feel setting the boundaries about working was the first step toward some order ... or at least toward maintaining my own sanity.

  18. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I'm also rooting for you!

    Has difficult child thought about customer service type jobs? I worked in a Relay Center for the deaf many yrs ago, also worked at JCP Life, market research firm, even a Reunion service through Taylor publishing (work I could do at home).
    Just throwing out thoughts.

    I think you are doing the right thing here, Dash. You are trying to nudge difficult child into becoming a responsible self supporting adult. A survivor...that takes charge not just a victim that lets life happen to them.
    My mom did much the same thing with me at one point in my life...It worked. I stepped up.

    Hang in there,
    ps...My mom has a friend who's children have lived at home and "paid" rent to the parents. The parents took the "rent" and saved it for their children for when they were ready to move out...unbenounced to the children. Was a "win/win".
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Has she discussed at all what kind of job she is interested in?

  20. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    She just left to go apply at a bar that his hiring. In all honesty, it doesn't really matter what she says. People make suggestions and she smiles and agrees and pretty much does as she pleases. She told me she was going to apply to the fast food places where she refused to apply last week. Who knows if she will or not? I hate to see her work in a bar, but I have a feeling she'll gravitate toward something like that. At least for now.