I wish she was gone

[Gypsywitch]

Well, I am brand new here, and I am starting a thread. Obviously, its going to take me a long time to read through all of them, but so far, i consider you parents to have Dalai Lama strength. How do you do it??

I have been cohabitating (pagan married) to my husband for 4 years. The first year, We had his then 11y/o difficult children little girl, and i thought the ex-wife of husband was just a nasty piece- locking the difficult children in her room, then letting her wander all over a neighborhood. Ex of husband is not difficult children mother. Boy do i understand her now! difficult children started out seemingly normal- but everything changed within 3 weeks. She got in fights at school, manipulated all kinds of situations, then eventually hurt herself because i made her copy words from the dictionary after she smart mouthed me. When she hurt herself, she went to school and blamed it on me and husband, and was taken into state custody for several days. At that time, she was talking to other kids, and they told her to tell the Social workers she had been sexually abused by my son and husband to "get us in more trouble". My son (easy child) was graduating in about a year-with a great life ahead, couldn't take the chance. So we sent her back to her grandmother- and then found out difficult children mom was back in the picture.

Long story longer- we left her there for 2 1/2 years, until the drug addicted prostitutes and their johns could no longer deal with her- I quote, "she embarasses us by her behavior, and we can't have her around" (really! Horrible people who do horrible things were actually scandalized by difficult child) and she came back, and straight into treatment. I am not equipped to handle her.

The drugs aren't working. The meltdowns are awful. The defiance is unholy. difficult child threatened suicide last night- and i thought, "if only". So today i am seeking help, because i cant deal with it anymore. No one will take her, not residential programs, because she works them- says, I didn't say i was suicidal- your making it up..so they wont take her.

Help.

 

[Wiped Out]

Welcome Gypsywitch! It sounds like you have been through a lot. Has she seen a child psychiatrist or child psychologist? If so what do they say?

 

[recoveringenabler]

Hi Gypsywitch, welcome. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much with your difficult child now, you've come to the right place. This is not my area of expertise, I just wanted you to know I read your post and am sending supportive wishes and gentle hugs your way. Others will be along to help support you. Sometimes on weekends it slows down here, but hang in there...........we're with you...........

 

[Bunny]

The other day difficult child had a REALLY bad day and he walked out of the house screaming that he was leaving and never coming back. I thought to myself, "I should be so lucky." He came back. Then the threat was that he was going to kill himself and that I was going to find him dead on the floor. Again, there are days when I think that that really would not be much a bad thing for the rest of us. I know that makes me sound like a horrible mother, but there are days when I really can't help it.

I know exactly how you feel. We're here for you.

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome, Gypsywitch.
I hear you.
This little girl probably has some genetic issues, and then with her being bounced around, she has learned to manipulate rather than to attach to people in healthy ways.
I have to repeat a question here that's already been asked, what is her diagnosis? What do the doctors say?
Do you know anything about her early development, ie., did she walk and talk on time? Did she have a lot of ear infections? Is she on grade level?
I am assuming that your husband works all day and you get the brunt of it and that it is chaos at night with-everyone around, is that correct?
Are there any other children who are affected by this?

I would start by going back to the dr and switching out medications.
What is she taking now?

 

[buddy]

Hello GW, Glad you found us. I was thinking the same as Terry...I wonder whether or not she has attachment disorder and/or some kind of neurological or mental health issues in addition to that. Do you know much about her bio mom and what her pregnancy and early (birth to three) years were like? The most important time in our lives for developing the ability to attach, care about others, trust, and to develop core personality traits is the time from birth to three. Many people think that a child can't remember what happened back then so they should be ok but they dont have to remember. The wiring is developing during that time and if they do not receive consistent nurturing care (baby cries, primary care giver soothes them by feeding/changing/cuddling etc thousands and thousands of times.....) by someone who is consistent and they do not lose people by being passed around, then they can be permanently affected. It takes a very specialized kind of therapist to work with these kids and sometimes they can not live at home because their behaviors are so serious....not saying to dump them of course! Just saying it can take intensive residential care to keep them safe and to slowly build skills that may allow them to function in society safely. Sometimes even that does not work. There are different levels of attachment disorder and different kinds. Some kids really do respond to therapy, again as long as it is with experts. Many professionals say they understand it and they can do more harm than good because they use traditional parenting behavior modification and punishment methods that simply do not work for these kids. They developed to survive any way they can emotionally and for some, physically and even when the need stops because they are with caring parents, they are now wired that way and need specific techniques to help overcome.

Do you think she was exposed to drugs or alcohol during pregnancy? If so that could be another really significant issue that needs specialized care, that again is not something that traditional methods for kids with naughty behaviors will solve.

Many of us have a range of experiences depending on the specific issues, if you feel comfortable sharing more history, including her early development, or specific school and home behaviors, we may have some ideas....

My son is not a kid who fits into programs either, his behaviors can be so terrible. That makes it pretty hard but there ARE programs, they just are not the typical mental health programs.

Have you ever had her have a neuropsychological evaluation? That is a specialized psychologist who is highly trained to examine behaviors and how they connect to our brain functioning. They can take a much broader look at differential diagnosis, beyond the usual mental health categories. I'd highly recommend this, even if you have to work out a payment plan to do it, it could in the end save you thousands and thousands of dollars by it possibly steering you to more effective treatments. (Not a guarantee, but a great direction to go....)

Other ideas for immediate ideas are to read a book called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene and "What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You" by Doug Riley. They help explain what is going on in a way that goes beyond the usual parenting pop culture books. There are specific ideas that help reduce the overall stress in the home and may seem counter intuitive at first, but even for my home.....where he is developmentally quite challenged, the ideas of prioritizing and focusing on only certain high priority behaviors--and doing so in a different way than punishment only (not saying no consequences, just not only using punishment, these kids often dont have the tools or skills to do things differently so we have to teach them what to do)--- This can help reduce stress enough that some of the other smaller behaviors start to melt away and over time you work on other behaviors, but it gives you a system for doing so.

If you think some form of attachment disorder could be a part of this, and if you look it up online, please realize that there are cases that are quite severe and that the list of symptoms does not mean that your child will have all of the symptoms nor all of the outcomes. There is a range of attachment challenges from milder to people who have no ability to feel for others and can be quite dangerous forever. My son has trust issues and will hold onto people fiercely even if the knows them only casually. One great teacher said he "hoards people"... of course on the flip side, he is at his worst with me. Why? Usually the mother gets the brunt of it with kids who have reactive attachment disorder or attachment disorder (called different things in different places). Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids most fear the rejection they experienced early on and so they push it away at all costs without even realizing that is what they are doing. It is self preservation. They can divide and conquer, they have to...to them, controlling everything is an emotional life or death feeling.

My son was in foster care and is adopted in the USA, it doesn't matter where or why the early bond was broken, it simply can cause a huge inability to develop.

This site is new to me and I like the way they explain it too: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/parenting_bonding_reactive_attachment_disorder.htm

It may not be what you are experiencing, just from your post here it is an idea I thought I'd share.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that I totally understand times of feeling like it is just too much and if this was not your child I can imagine it is really much harder. You may have some very serious thinking to do because this child is likely a product of either injury to her emotional or physical/neurological development (not necessarily on purpose, could be a genetic issue or autism or bi polar etc.... even Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) can happen with loving parents but due to a mother's illness or death or the child being so sick they are in the hospital or in pain for extended periods, etc.). Blaming and anger are hard not to feel but she is not choosing to have these challenges, the underlying issue really needs to be sorted out because there are many things that medicine simply can't fix or at least can't fix alone. But this could really be intensive and it will not be good for you or for her if you can not learn, or just feel it is too much to learn. I do not mean that as a criticism in any way. I suspect many of us who have kids with serious behavior disabilities would admit that if the child was not ours, we might not choose to parent them.

But if you choose to stay in the relationship, she is part of the deal and needs care (which you have clearly tried and tried to find but maybe have not been guided to the right people). When you call for a neuropsychologist, ask if they have experience with the conditions you are concerned about as well as if they work with children. They tend to be fairly good at all areas that can affect behavior but I'd just double check.

Wishing you peace, please remember to take time to care for yourself. It is so draining to live with this kind of intensive parenting. You would not be here if you did not care and have a heart to help, so I wanted you to know I really admire that.

 

[busywend]

Have you ever read up on reactive attachment disorder? I suggest you do.

 

[HaoZi]

You wouldn't be the first parent here that video'd the behavior to show docs what it's really like when they're not looking. There are lots of hidden camera items available at reasonable prices these days if you feel you need to go that route to show docs how much she's really manipulating everyone (including them!).