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I'd like to talk about acceptance
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 626082" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Last night SO and I talked for over an hour about this. He has worked in the recovery community himself with a lot of parents. I told him about this thread, about my struggling to get a grasp on this, about your story, Echo and some of the stories and wisdom and work others are also doing here. About the fact that I have been still waiting for change. About the futility of that, and the damage it does to me. </p><p></p><p>My question was this: can acceptance and hope live at the same address? I believe the answer is no. </p><p></p><p>The core of who I am is a very positive, anything-can-happen, miracles-do-happen, glass-half-full way of looking at the world. It's a good way to be until it becomes a bad way to be. A pollyanna way to be. I define that as not accepting reality. And that is what I have been doing---not accepting reality. </p><p></p><p>I am through thinking he is going to change. </p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean he won't, and I realize that. </p><p></p><p>Another question posed here: Should we challenge our difficult children to aspire to something greater? I believe the answer is no.</p><p></p><p>We already did that. We did it all their lives, as their parents. That was our job. Now they are grown people, and we are still trying to teach them the lessons of childhood. Enough already. They know the choices they have. They don't want to choose the way we want them to choose. </p><p></p><p>I think continuing to tell them these "truths" is continuing to have expectations. </p><p></p><p>That time is over, folks. </p><p></p><p>Another: What, then, are we to do? </p><p></p><p>What works for us. Figuring out what that is, and then working toward it.</p><p></p><p>**********************************************************</p><p>On Wednesday morning, very early as I was driving to exercise---about 6 a.m., I passed a sober living house that I pass every day. In front of it were three police cars, an ambulance and a fire truck. I said a prayer as I was going by there. It shook me up.</p><p></p><p>This morning, in the paper, there is an obituary of a 24 year old young man, with the same first name as my son. I read it, and at the end of it they are asking for memorials in lieu of flowers to be sent to this sober living house. </p><p></p><p>***********************************************************</p><p>My son just called from jail. He has been violated on his probation as expected. His hearing on that violation is May 15. He is wheeling and dealing (in his mind) about how he can reduce the sentence, and wondering how many days already served will count, and wanting to know if I will come there and put money on his account so he can buy deodorant and will I see about his driver's license so he doesn't have to pay $6K to get it back at some point. Wheeling and dealing. Mind going 1000 miles a minute figuring out his next move. </p><p></p><p>He thinks he may serve 14 months (have no idea where he gets these amounts of time). I said I thought you have four years. Yes, but they reduce the sentence and then time served. Blah blah blah. All he is doing is calculating how he can "get out of" or "reduce" what is happening. </p><p></p><p>He wanted to talk about the police report and what the charges were for his shoplifting in this 5-minute phone call. I stopped him. I told him I didn't want to hear any of it, and that it doesn't matter anyway. I said I believe what is in the police report. </p><p></p><p>I kept talking and I said, I don't expect you to change anymore. I am realizing that you must like the life you are living and I am accepting that it's not likely to change. I am telling you this for me. I am glad you called, because I was going to ask you not to come to my house if you get out of jail. I want you to know if that if you do come, I will call the police. </p><p></p><p>I said I am really tired of all of this. I have to life my own life. I'd like to keep in touch by writing letters now and then. I love you and that will never change. </p><p></p><p>The time was up, and he said I'll try to call you back. He did, and I put the call to voice mail, accidentally. Then I burst out laughing at myself, realizing the irony. The right thing happened and I did not answer the second call. But accidentally. </p><p></p><p>**************************************************************</p><p>So.................the pieces of this are coming together for me. This thread, the young man sadly dying this week, the call from jail, the conversation last night with SO. </p><p></p><p>None of this is coincidence. This is Holy Coincidence and I am going to take all of these separate things and make something good of them.</p><p></p><p>Once my final is over, I am going to get a new sponsor in Al-Anon and I am going to continue working on my fourth step. I am going to go to some Nar-Anon meetings.</p><p></p><p>I am going to keep using my other trusted tried and true tools in my toolbox, including this site. </p><p></p><p>I am still moving forward, thankfully. Thanks to all of you, and hugs and blessings on this beautiful day.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 626082, member: 17542"] Last night SO and I talked for over an hour about this. He has worked in the recovery community himself with a lot of parents. I told him about this thread, about my struggling to get a grasp on this, about your story, Echo and some of the stories and wisdom and work others are also doing here. About the fact that I have been still waiting for change. About the futility of that, and the damage it does to me. My question was this: can acceptance and hope live at the same address? I believe the answer is no. The core of who I am is a very positive, anything-can-happen, miracles-do-happen, glass-half-full way of looking at the world. It's a good way to be until it becomes a bad way to be. A pollyanna way to be. I define that as not accepting reality. And that is what I have been doing---not accepting reality. I am through thinking he is going to change. That doesn't mean he won't, and I realize that. Another question posed here: Should we challenge our difficult children to aspire to something greater? I believe the answer is no. We already did that. We did it all their lives, as their parents. That was our job. Now they are grown people, and we are still trying to teach them the lessons of childhood. Enough already. They know the choices they have. They don't want to choose the way we want them to choose. I think continuing to tell them these "truths" is continuing to have expectations. That time is over, folks. Another: What, then, are we to do? What works for us. Figuring out what that is, and then working toward it. ********************************************************** On Wednesday morning, very early as I was driving to exercise---about 6 a.m., I passed a sober living house that I pass every day. In front of it were three police cars, an ambulance and a fire truck. I said a prayer as I was going by there. It shook me up. This morning, in the paper, there is an obituary of a 24 year old young man, with the same first name as my son. I read it, and at the end of it they are asking for memorials in lieu of flowers to be sent to this sober living house. *********************************************************** My son just called from jail. He has been violated on his probation as expected. His hearing on that violation is May 15. He is wheeling and dealing (in his mind) about how he can reduce the sentence, and wondering how many days already served will count, and wanting to know if I will come there and put money on his account so he can buy deodorant and will I see about his driver's license so he doesn't have to pay $6K to get it back at some point. Wheeling and dealing. Mind going 1000 miles a minute figuring out his next move. He thinks he may serve 14 months (have no idea where he gets these amounts of time). I said I thought you have four years. Yes, but they reduce the sentence and then time served. Blah blah blah. All he is doing is calculating how he can "get out of" or "reduce" what is happening. He wanted to talk about the police report and what the charges were for his shoplifting in this 5-minute phone call. I stopped him. I told him I didn't want to hear any of it, and that it doesn't matter anyway. I said I believe what is in the police report. I kept talking and I said, I don't expect you to change anymore. I am realizing that you must like the life you are living and I am accepting that it's not likely to change. I am telling you this for me. I am glad you called, because I was going to ask you not to come to my house if you get out of jail. I want you to know if that if you do come, I will call the police. I said I am really tired of all of this. I have to life my own life. I'd like to keep in touch by writing letters now and then. I love you and that will never change. The time was up, and he said I'll try to call you back. He did, and I put the call to voice mail, accidentally. Then I burst out laughing at myself, realizing the irony. The right thing happened and I did not answer the second call. But accidentally. ************************************************************** So.................the pieces of this are coming together for me. This thread, the young man sadly dying this week, the call from jail, the conversation last night with SO. None of this is coincidence. This is Holy Coincidence and I am going to take all of these separate things and make something good of them. Once my final is over, I am going to get a new sponsor in Al-Anon and I am going to continue working on my fourth step. I am going to go to some Nar-Anon meetings. I am going to keep using my other trusted tried and true tools in my toolbox, including this site. I am still moving forward, thankfully. Thanks to all of you, and hugs and blessings on this beautiful day. [/QUOTE]
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