I'd like to talk to Mother Theresa, LOL

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by tawnya, Dec 29, 2009.

  1. tawnya

    tawnya New Member

    about that whole, God won't give you anything you can't handle thing.

    I haven't posted here in quite some time, but I thought I would give a non-difficult child update.

    I think actually the last time I posted was earlier this year when my mom was sick, going through chemo treatments for secondary liver cancer. You all were so nice and king with your prayers, but God had a different plan. We lost her in June of this year. It has been so hard. I knew I might have to handle this in 20 years, but never dreamed it would happen now. She was just 60. I know she has went to her reward, but it is still so hard for me. I just miss her so much.

    That being said, my dad is totally lost. He doesn't even know how to write a check, so I am paying his bills for him. The first time he had gone to the grocery store was six months ago.

    My mom's mom and day, grandma and pop, are in their 80's. Pop is in the nursing home, and I am taking grandma every day to see him. Mom always did this, and now I am doing it. I have other family, but no one is really helping.

    Then, a few months ago, my mom's oldest brother was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. His prognosis is not good. So, the chances are that my grandma and pop will lose two of their three kids in 6 months time. They are so sad it is hearbreaking.

    Now, on to husband's family. difficult child is doing OK, but not that great. I posted in PE about all that. His sister, an adult difficult child, was put into a really great group home about a year ago. It is a very nice ranch style house that only has six women, who are all "difficult child's" about 50 years old. It is sad, but she was being violent to her mom, and mother in law is crippled anyway. She was trying to push her down the stairs, hitting her, etc. I had to turn the water hose on her last fall just to make her get off of her. It was getting very bad, so thank goodness we found this placement. There are two married couples that run the place, and it is a very, very good placement. Not "institutionalized" in any way. She has to help with chores and also work every day at the workcenter. She has actually adapted quite well. She comes home a couple of days a month.

    But, husband's mom now had rapidy declining dementia. I am still trying to get husband to take charge of that situation, but so far not so good. She's getting lost and forgetting everything.

    Are you tired yet?

    Sigh, any good thoughts you could send our way would be appreciated.


  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    You can't talk to Mother Theresa. She's talking to your Mom, my Dad, Both of my sons...probably scads of other people who've passed on. Death is such a mystery. It's the last great mystery isn't it? Without crossing the lines of board rules, I'm going to try to delicately to explain in my own way about the "never more than you can handle" (thing) because -well because it confuses so many people and it really can make or break you in this life. I hope the mods will understand I'm doing my best.

    See that particular verse was not meant for us. Us as people today. It's so taken out of the context that it was written for. But someone reading that book said "Oh look - you will never be given more than you can handle." Basically you eavesdropped, played post-office, read it wrong, took it out of context and applied it to your modern day life instead of understanding that it was for Paul. Not us. Him. So people today sit down and start keeping score. You have this many bad things, I have that many. You have a nice house, I have a cardboard box. You have a super kid, I have a difficult child. You have a good job, I muck stables. I have health problems, and you are a Barbie. I'm built like the Blob, and you look like Cindy Crawford.

    Once you start keeping score? Oh boy. It will be really hard to readjust your values and realize that things in your life could be tougher than others, but never wish for someone elses life - because along with their lives? You get all their problems. That's not to say that you shouldn't have goals or believe that things can get better. Envy isn't healthy. Thinking that I have an easier life here on earth all day every day while you suffer? Well, maybe I do...but if there IS any beauty in loss I think it's this ----

    YOU get things that no one else gets. You feel things that others can't begin to comprehend. YOU KNOW what it's like to hurt, to mourn, to loose, to cry, to miss, to want, to be lonely, to wish, to beg, to need, to ache, to let go, to hold on...and while all those things MAY seem like such sad things? When you come across someone else IN THIS WORLD that just can't understand how to cope? THERE IS YOU. And what would YOU do if you met them? Let them sit and cry? Let them sit and be lonely, sob, ache? Or would YOU...knowing how awful and lonely, desperate and lost it feels sit with them, hold them, talk to them, empathize with them, sympathize with them, COMFORT them? Let them know that they are NOT alone in their pain and sorrow? Because what the heck good is it to feel pain, and all the other miseries in the world if it helps no one else along the way in your life or theirs? But if you take all those pains, all those lonesome feelings, all those missing pieces in your life when you do find someone else who hurts...and say "I DO know how you feel, You are NOT forgotten, You are NOT being picked on, Your higher Power IS NOT punishing you, he didn't take your family because he hates YOU, you are NOT being given MORE than you can handle? SOME of that loss is eased in your heart...and I think in a little way each time you reach out? It brings your loved one closer to your heart and keeps them there smiling because they SEE you doing good things for others.

    I buried our adopted son this Spring, I buried another son 9 years ago. I don't understand why they're gone. I don't understand why any child goes before his parents. I think it would be a lot better place if when people died they just got to go through a set of double doors like at the Kmart and you could see them...maybe just not go shopping with them until it was your time to go. Then you could just go shopping for eternity. But things don't happen with our loved ones how we think because ....well they just don't. BUT if we take THOSE experiences and apply them and learn from them? How much greater a person we are for their lives and how much better people we would all be for helping someone else. (shrug)

    I'm not sure how loosing a Mom feels. I can't imagine. I lost my Pop and it was so painful. 11 years in February and I still cry when I think of things or hear his silly little song - Lion Sleeps Tonight by the Kingsmen. lol. I miss him. I miss my kids too. Both Steven and K's death were so violent. Steven burned alive in a car he was driving, K died as a result of a blood clot that broke loose in his lungs and went to his brain from a bullriding accident from taking blood thinners. 18 and 19 is too young.

    So I wish I could say to you - I know how you feel about your Mom, but I do not. I do know however that when I've met other Mom's in the last year who have lost their children, and I speak about my personal loss? I try very hard to be an example for them of courage, love, compassion, happiness - and dignity in remembering both of my sons so that when they meet the next person and speak about their loss? They take a little of what they saw in me with them to the next person who's hurting about their own loss.

    I hope this helps you in some small way understand that there is no black cloud over you, there is no wheel of misfortune spinning in tawnya's direction. If ANYTHING? There is a great opportunity for a lovely and wonderful, compassionate woman to speak to others about loss, surviving, and showing the world that there is a tomorrow - you are living proof. Take each day like it's a total gift from your Mom who's yelling at you saying TAWNYA - I LOVE YOU --get out and LIVE. Then do something! Then just let 'em wonder how you can smile every day. It's because you know...each day is the present you waited for yesterday. It's a gift. See? NO MATTER WHAT COMES AT YOU...It's your gift.

    Hugs & love
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Beautifully said Star. When I lost my grandparents (who raised me and were my "real" parents) I was really sad, but I knew that they had lived their lives in such a way that I knew where they were going. No two better people ever tread this earth. Their legacy to me was to live everyday with love and compassion for my fellow man, to try and make others lives a little better here on earth. My husband and sister in law have mourned their parents everyday since their death. With them seems to have gone a piece of joy and something is missing from their lives. They don't get it, and I can't understand them or make them understand me.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Thanks EW...

    I am sure your Grandparents are VERY proud of you. I've only known you for a short time, and I'm very proud to call you my friend. :D
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Star said it so much better than I will....

    When we are so burdened and pained or see our friends suffering....we often ask "Why do such bad things happen to such good people?"

    Well, the answer to that question that I liked the best came from a Rabbi. He explained that first of all, there ARE no good people. We are all flawed. We all make mistakes. We all make bad choices and bad decisions sometimes.

    And second--how do you know that what is happening to you is a bad thing? Perhaps your purpose in life was to experience this suffering, in order that you may be a source of support and inspiration for another?

    That said....

    I am so sorry for your loss and the sorrow your family is experiencing at this time.

  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Daisy.....I like that.
  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sorry to hear that life has been a struggle lately. The loss of a beloved and young mom has got to be so difficult for you. You are a good person and feeling like you have been given too much is probably true but you chose to rise to the challenges anyhow.