Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Nov 11, 2010.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    so difficult child doesn't have a cbt therapist yet in place, working on getting appointment. thanksgiving is right around the corner. we want to celebrate because well i guess we should and easy child could use it.

    so i'm on the fence about it. food triggers and upsets difficult child. our options are stay home do nothing and just cook a really small turkey for 3 of us and give difficult child a shake, or go to his families yet i dont think i want to subject difficult child to them or myself, or easy child. we dont' like them, their very mean past year and they dont' like us. throughout this whole ordeal not one phone call or text or email has come from any family member of his.

    or we can go to a buffet thing here just the four of us. it's a bit pricey yet it'll give difficult child choices puddings etc. if she does feel that maybe she can put something down there, and its close to home and it's just us no one else we know.

    holidays are going to be very hard with-this thing she's going thru.

  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Mashed potatoes? Pumpkin shake? Pumpkin soup?
  3. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    What is the normal routine for Thanksgiving? I totally get an entire household making adjustments because difficult child is having such a difficult time. Yet something in me thinks some maintenance of norms, routines, traditions, would benefit difficult child. So if she doesn't eat? Handle it however you all are handling it day to day. Yet I think doing the same as you always would for Thanksgiving would help difficult child, in the long run even if not on that day. Also, adjustments in a home are normal and can be helpful and necessary. Yet, you all eat right? She should eat right? At special times people tend to share time as a family, over food right? Turkey is tradition, so if that is your fam's tradition, I vote go for it. Speak quietly to everyone else ahead and request nobody mention lack of eating on the day or however you want it handles for difficult child. In a offside remark let difficult child know that things are the family norm for thanksgiving and she's part of the family. The food might be enjoyed by everyone else, but the goal/reason is the same as always, spending time together as a family celebrating all that you all have to thankful for this year.
    I see so many stories where an entire family stops living entirely to a point of unhealthiness and toxicity for the whole family, due to a fam members issues. That won't help difficult child. Having memories of holidays being handled the same regardless of the eating thing, in my opinion, will help difficult child.
    Whatever you decide to do, enjoy your Thanksgiving. I imagine the strain is so hard on all of you right now. I hope you can all find the good in the past year for at least that day :) .
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    While I agree with mattsmom's general idea about not competely turning your entire routine and traditions upside down to accommodate ONE family member, I do feel you should not go to H's family's Thanksgiving dinner. I think it would be too much and believe it or not, I mostly think it would be too much for YOU. Prior to the day, you'd be worrying about it, worrying about their comments to difficult child, worrying about difficult child's reactions, what she will or won't eat, etc. Overall, I just think it's too soon and could cause difficult child to spiral backwards.

    I think going out to a nice place would be nice. Like you said, it would provide food options for difficult child while also giving easy child a nice traditional Thanksgiving family dinner.

    As an aside, traditions are people made. You can make your own new traditions any way you like them and in whatever fashion suits your family. For example, as our girls grew older and spent less time on Christmas day playing with toys, we started the tradition of going to a matinee on Christmas afternoon. Then we'd go home, graze and munch on holiday leftovers and then play board games or have visitors for the evening. It's very nice, low key and we enjoy choosing the movie of the year. It's developed into a family tradition and it takes the stress out of choosing how or with whom to spend the day. Perhaps after your dinner out, you have friends or one or two family members you could invite over for dessert only - or join H's family for dessert only - or go to a movie - or have game night. Whatever, make it your own and enjoy it. Thanksgiving does not have to mean spending the day in a crowded relatives house surrounded by chaos. If that works for you, great, but sometimes you need to take a breather from the famliy traditions.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    we don't have a set thing because we flip flop it between his horrible family and mine. my mom doesn't cook anymore so we drive like 2 hours to sit in a rest. they love and we hate and eat grose food. so we wont' be doing that. we thought my mom should put effort in this year it would of been nice and cooked at home and invited us, yet she didn't.

    h's family your right, their too nasty and mean and there's no way i'm subjecting any of us to that scene.

    so it's going to be buffet dinner out here somewhere with 4 of us. i just asked difficult child what she thought of it i told her you could get dressed up a bit they have alot of options and it'll give just the 4 of us time out together. which we have done maybe only 5 times in the past 4 years!

    problem solved. lol.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    yet i do guarantee there will be some type of unnecessary drama from his family regarding it. hopefully husband wont' fold. 2 years ago he did. his family guilted him so he went by there house for an hour or so before we got on road to go to my families house.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I vote for buffet too. I grew up an only child living about 15 hours from both sides of my family. My grandma on moms side lived in Florida and my Dads side lived near Boston. I lived in VA. LOL. Half way between both.

    Every holiday that we didnt go up or down to one of them my parents and I went out to a really nice buffet at a great restaurant. Yes folks, there were some things my parents did do It meant my mom didnt have to make a huge holiday meal for just 3 people and we got to have anything we wanted. I remember those times fondly.

    In fact, they were such good memories, I carried them over into my family for times when we couldnt have my mom with us. Or even sometimes when she was with us. Sometimes we didnt feel like doing the whole dinner and just went for a meal out. One time we went to Midevil Times for
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I grew up an only child far from other relatives, but we always did a small traditional dinner for Thanksgiving and other holidays. After Mom died we did the restaurant thing, and after I moved out and got married and Dad got remarried it's been mostly eating out for them, too (they both got tired of cooking, lol). My daughter and I just go with pizza and a movie for most holidays since we're picky and why bother. We're also a 2-day drive from relatives. If we want something else there's a local church that does a full Thanksgiving lunch with plenty of leftovers to carry us through to dinner.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I bet they had very big turkey legs, huh? Hahaha, thinking King Henry the VIII!!!!
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Janet that is way too funny Love that! tha'Tourette's Syndrome what it's all about i guess, right? just doing your own thing and that kinda stuff is what makes kids memories that they hold.

    haozi ok i dont' like that your a two day drive from family and it's just you and difficult child on holidays. sheesh. i see what you mean now about the family thing. you can't go and stay a few days sort of thing? well i'm glad you found something that works for both of you. traditions really can be whatever you make them to be.

    this year i told husband i want each of us to make something for eachother with our hands. not store bought with a sticker, from our hearts wtih our hands. he said wow i'm totally stressed now we have 5 kids 7 of us in total. i'd better get started now what can i buy? LOL i said NOTHING. YOU GOTTA MAKE IT jerky!! :)
  11. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    We're barely making the bills every month and the truck is getting too old for that kind of travel, too. Simply not an option for us. I was told today by some customers where I work that we have "family" here in our new town, that's a nice feeling. :)
    Bio-dad (also a 2 day drive) and his family do a big get together for holidays, though he refers to it "Thankstaking" as we're Creek on that side. Kiddo is also Cherokee on her father's side, so it's not a holiday we really care about much, lol. Of course, this is the same child I've had to literally drag out of bed on xmas morning to open her presents one year!
    It might well be very different if we had stayed near family instead of moving so far, but we both needed a fresh start and for the most part I think this town has been great to and for us.
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    that's great and honestly family doesn't have to be blood related. it can be anyone or anywhere that gives you that "homey" feeling. :)
  13. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    It does, but having been adopted, a little strange, and an only child far from extended family anyway, I've always felt a little "outside" at any family gatherings, even my own (adopted or bio). I still find it strange to see a large family that gets along as well as theirs (the customers') does. They help out and take in a lot of refugees, so I know their idea of family certainly extends beyond blood. One of their "saves" lives downstairs from us at the moment, real sweet girl from Asia and her little boy.