IEP meeting and TERRIBLE end of the school day

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by buddy, Dec 19, 2011.

  1. buddy

    buddy New Member

    MOST interesting..... the principal and school psychiatric said NOTHING. I think I posted that the advocate had told the sp. ed. coordinator that if they said anything to me at all, one rude word, she was going to confront them right there and she had asked the coordinator to lock the principal in the broom closet. I was totally fine with their silence.

    The teacher focused her data into on task behavior and showed a nice chart to go with it. The admin talks about how he is not doing the level he should be but I have to say.... that is exactly why a child is in Special Education. They are not and for some can not do the level of work that typical students can do. No student is on task 100% of the day and Q actually had some periods of days where he was 100% compliant and doing his work (which includes sensory breaks so is not intensive school work for that long).

    The advocate really has huge conflict with the sp. ed. coordinator in her history. But, she had to admit again that this lady really stood up for Q during the meeting. She told them to rephrase how they said things, reminded people that he was not trying to act wild, but was sensory seeking, etc. I was pleased that they really were very professional and both working for Q during the meeting.

    They are excited to try the auditory trainer with him.

    The approved the independent FBA and are paying for the copies because the policy is if it is for programmng at school then they supply it free.

    They said that they are playing phone tag with the person doing the fba but we will see, it has been over a month now and they keep saying what should we do when he does x, y z..and I keep saying, well that is what the fba is for... faster you do it faster we can work on it. duh

    Every single time we have a meeting Q has a terrible day. I dont know how the day went before this but I got a call at 2 that he wouldn't take his medications. So, I went to get him. the psychiatric followed me so Q started hitting and kicking me, I hate him so much. He just does not listen. Once in teh room alone I easily calmed him down. But then they told him NO BUS so he went off on me. Really, why??? They caused that. I noticed right away that he was itching down there again. HE said it was awful again. I know it was 100% gone by last week. So, in the car he was calm and wanted to earn some things and started making unreasonable demands. I said we can talk at home about that and he took an old drink he had back there and threw it all over me. OOOO was I mad. I pulled over and picked up the other cup and threw it on him! I am so not proud of that but I was so ticked off. I know it is not about me but I was really mad. I then took off and he knew it was bad. I pulled over into our community center parking lot which s also the police lot. I didn't say anything but he cried in a voice I had never heard. He was scared out of his mind. I just got out of the car, opened up the trunk andgot out a towel. I went to his side and asked him to clean up. He cried the whole time. When he was finished I drove home and he went to the tub and begged for a bath to get the itching to stop. When that was over he came into me and said, I know there is nothign I can do to make it better. I know sorry wont evern make this one better. But I have your scarf and if you want it I will give it back to you (It is really soft and fuzzy and he loves it) then he said, unless you dont, then can I keep it please...he was already all wrapped up in it. I told him I didn't want it. He came over and gave me the softest hug ever, kissed my cheek, which also he has never done in that way... he held on so soft and when he pulled back he saw I was crying and he kissed my cheek again. I said, Q I am so sorry I threw that but I was shocked that you did that. I have been working so hard to help you and I am frustrated that nothing seems to be working. I asked you several times what will help and we have worked on that but when you get upset you hurt me. He started crying too.

    He left and said I am going to do a bunch of chores to help you mom, I know it wont make it better but I will do it anyway.

    My hurt finger got hurt some point in the school part of this and is all swollen up again. How can I feel so angry and so sorry for him at the same time?

    He just called up that he is going to do his reading homework now.... he is really desperate to fix this. HE knows I will not give him any money for Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) tonight and also he can't go to a mall. He thinks I will change my mind I think but he is saying he knows I wont and that he accepts it so we will see ....
  2. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Sigh. Big hugs... I wish I knew the right thing to say, but I don't. I'm sorry. Sounds like a rotten end of the day.
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    First off, I am so sorry about your day with Q. I know difficult child 1 always had a hard day when we had IEP meetings even if it wasn't one he was going to. The anxiety of being there was a lot but NOT being there was worse for him so we made a plan that he wouldn't go and I would tell him everything that happened. But, the anxiety over the meeting happening at all got him "out of sync". It got to where I just didn't tell him we were having one and I made sure no school personnel did either. Is there any way you can do this with Q? For difficult child 1, knowing we were meeting about him but not knowing what was happening was just way too much for him.

    I don't blame you for losing your cool. Sometimes it is just soooo hard to do and I usually end up crying too. I have been where you are so many times and a human being, warrior mom or not, can only take so much. As long as we continue to feel bad about our behavior afterwards is a good sign.

    You're doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt. Our difficult child's just aren't going to figure it out. We are human and humans aren't perfect. We just keep plugging away and hope it works out in the end.

    {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to you and to Q. Have him give you a hug for me and give him one from me. These meetings tend to bring out the worst in us sometimes.
  4. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Buddy, it's very difficult. No-one could deal with all you deal with day in and day out, without close emotional support, without... reacting at some level. Poor you and poor Q too - said with compassion, not pity.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Buddy - can you give him an "instead" to beat up on? a "surrogate" for you? Like an over-sized stuffy, or a pillow with your t-shirt on it, or something? even a punching bag?
  6. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    I am so sorry you had such a hard day today. You have more strength and patience than I could ever wish to have. Q is very blessed and lucky to have you as his mom. I hope that tomorrow is a better day.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Buddy. Sorry you and Q had such a tough day.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The more I think about this, the more I wonder... if maybe his anxiety feeds off of yours. The meetings are confrontational, in spirit if not in word. So, naturally, it takes a lot out of you just to prep for the meeting. And even if he doesn't understand what is going on, he will feed off of that negative energy... which means, every time you have a meeting, he ends up in trouble.

    Its SO hard to find ways around this stuff.

  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Yes I am postive my energy feeds into him. but the only thing is.... It is only during his hospitalization that any bad meetings started to happened. I actually looked forward to most of our meetings and had very few conflicts. He has had this issue sice elementary school, and yes TeDo, I only tell him about the meetings if he asks or it is so early that my only choice is to drive him to school because I can't wait for the bus then leave in my car. So today I let him ride the bus but had to be ready so I could leave at the same time and so he knew I was getting dressed and it was not my volunteer day. Remember how schedule bound he is. But he is like you said, he is full of anxiety, worried they wont let him to go high school (he was worried in elem if he could go to mid school too...) this time I said to him, have you ever not been able to go to your school after a meeting? He admitted no... I said I would never surprise you with that. He said he didn't believe me so I invited him to the meeting and he said if he went he would not let anyone talk, he would interrupt and get mad at the principal so could I just do it for him. WOW, ok... He knows NOTHING about the principal and what we have been going through. But I am sure he knows how he responded from the medication problem week when he was on his bus and yelling at the principal. He knows he crossed a line and I know he apologized too the next day. But he knows.

    I think a big part of why he has problems is really simple... he teacher is not in the room and the schedule is changed. The school I worked at hardly ever had meetngs during school that would take a teacher out for so long. She does this for 12 students so you can imagine the number of times they have a sub. He falls apart every time there is a sub.

    That said, I did just get an email from the teacher and he had been doing well up until he wouldn't take the medications. I wonder why it is such a big power struggle. I wish they would do what I do and just put the cup down and the nurse can leave and he will just take them without any words (she has aides give medications often so that is not the problem). I think it got made a big deal of and now it is contnuing as happens with him. And as I said, he was itchy again so it probably made his ability to focus on the right ways to behave go out the window. He was like a totally different child after the soothing bath and medicine. He was fantastic with the Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) worker and has been truly sweet and polite all night. Even with not having earned his money for spending while out with her (he gets a dollar if he follows directions) and accepting that I will be taking him to the doctor so no bus tomorrow. So???? could be a million things... he could have held off and then finally with the physical stuff the anxiety hit.... no matter what, he can't not take medications. That is not negotiable. So tomorrow I will try the concerta again and not do the second dose that is supposed to cover evening. I will use his ritalin for that so there is not the huge overlapping dose in mid day. If we see an overall increase in aggression compared to the past three weeks that will give us the ritalin vs concerta answer. ugg it is all such a mess sometimes. But, we will work through it , we always do.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am sorry it was such an awful day. I am glad that the principal didn't say a word.

    Please don't beat yourself up for tossing a drink on Q after he did it to you. I know how awful you feel, but it was an honest reaction and it didn't cause physical harm. I know he doesn't react the way others do, but sometimes you just react to things. To be honest, returning a gesture like that once in a great while can be a good thing because it can let the difficult child know how upset you are and it lets them experience how awfuli t is to be on the receiving end of such things. So don't beat yourself up. You are only human, and you have so little support in real life, I don't have a clue how you cope with everything!

    Can you talk with school about the medication issue? About not making it a power struggle? Sometimes it just is one, but if it can be avoided it should be. I have little experience because it is one of the few things that Wiz never refused to do. He was little when we started medications (7) and around that time he saw me give the cat some medications. The third time I got clawed by the cat I wrapped him in a towel and held that with my legs, held the pill with a pair of pliers and opened the cat's mouth with my toher hand. I put the pill way back in his mouth and held the mouth shut firmly but with-o hurting the cat. I guess it made an impression because later Wiz told me that he took his medications because he didn't want to be "pilled like the cat". he was about 9 and a friend of his was telling him to refuse the medications. I actually heard him tell the little brat that there was NO way his mom would let him get away with that and he should have seen how I made the cat take medications. No way was he going through that!

    I had to laugh, but it is true. I would have done whatever had to be done because medications are not negotiable, in my opinion. Is there some reward that the nurse could give that would make medications more tolerable? Strange as it sounds, what about having her give him a teaspoon of chocolate syrup after he takes his medications? Most kids don't get choc syrup by itself so it might be a treat mroe than a piece of candy would be. thank you could never have liquid antibiotics because he is allergic to the sweeteners in them (all have aspartame or did when he was little). We would take an adult capsule and open it and mix half or a third of the powder with choc syrup, then have a second spoonful of choc syrup to chase away the awful taste. It was very effective but a piece of chocolate like part of a candy bar never was. in my opinion it was the novelty of the syrup because that was the only time they got it other than on ice cream.

    Just a thought that might make it easier for him to take medications.

    I hope they get the fba done soon and can help him.

    How do they expect him to cope when he itches? I know I cannot and never could. Esp an itch in a very sensitive area. Do you know what is causing the itch? Could the nurse help him treat it at school if it pops up as a problem during the day? Could it be stress related?

  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    What a day. I can tell you though, I'd have reacted the same way to a drink being dumped on me. And I wouldn't feel bad about it. I have done similar on occasion, sometimes (when not over used) it gets the point across much better than anything else. And it obviously reached him that he'd went too far. So don't go beating yourself up over it.

    Travis always had high stress when he knew there was going to be an IEP meeting. Just the knowledge there were people in a room talking about him drove him nuts. We tried to ease this by including him and it made it worse because of what the staff would say. ugh Couldn't win.

    As for the fba, stay on top of it. I got that type of run around over an Occupational Therapist (OT) for Travis.........and even when they finally got her put into place he never managed to even meet the woman before he graduated. ugh
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Thanks guys you can't imagine how much it helps to not feel like I should call cps on myself over that. I didn't really but I did feel like I should have been more mature. He cleaned up the whole thing by the way! Car, me, himself...crying the whole time.

    He hasn't argued about any of his not having earned the money for Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) or not going to school this morning (I wanted to hear from the doctor and get new itchy medications and another bath before we go...he will go half day)

    Yeah, he did get the message for now, I am a realist, I know as soon as he is anxious again he will not be able to hold it together but at least a pathway has been laid and reinforced so over time hopefully we can build on that.

    I am going back to concerta and will do the ritalin after school so no need to do any concerta at school. He will only get clonidine. I am asking them to give it early so for sure he will have it in him by the time he comes home, but even if he doesn't he has the medications on board in patch form too)

    If the concerta clearly increases issues then we will use susie stars approach and I will supply a treat he loves that he can only get from her.

  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Everyone else has said everything I would have... But... I understand. (And I probably would've thrown the drink, too...)