In the past two weeks, I have been really REALLY working on 'letting go'...as in, if I died tomorrow, they would survive it and life would somehow go on. Maybe not the way I planned it and maybe not as clean as I would have liked, but on it would go, in it's own fashion, according to their plans. And it would O.K.A.Y. After hitting my lowest low a couple of weeks ago and coming to the false realization that the only way to get rid of this overwhelming, crushing feeling in my chest and in my head was to be dead. I know, morbid, and not exactly a plan of mine. However, truth be told, I did feel like that. This thought truly scared me. Made me think a different approach was absolutely necessary. Being no stranger to AA & such, I started reading the Al-Anon book and really taking the time to study the first couple of steps. I also felt a strange yearning to go to church. There is this Unitarian Church I had once checked out with easy child and liked. I went. H came with me, which is very surprising. I knew that whatever it was I was feeling was bigger than me and I couldn't handle it. I had always shunned all forms of church in the past, thinking I could master and control whatever it was that came along. This time I couldn't. So, I have been working on this and I've discovered that I feel lighter and free to an extent...that I don't have to be worrying all the time about difficult child, easy child, h, my marriage, my mom, my sister, work, friends, their families, my car, everything...that I don't have to be and should not be in control of everything. And then, this past Saturday while chatting with my sister, this thought popped into my head: If I were to die tomorrow, they would figure it out and life would go on. They would figure out a way to clean the floors or deal with the dirt. They would figure out how to keep the vet appointments for Sophie. They would figure out how to go food shopping and save money (or not). They would figure out how to complete a load of laundry from start to finish. They would figure out how to grow tomatoes and string beans (or just buy some). They would figure it ALL out. The point is, if I died tomorrow, they would figure it all out, in their own time, on their own terms. So, if they will do whatever it is they are going to do or not do, whether I try to choreograph and control everything, why am I spinning my wheels? So simple, yet so amazing. Today was a good day. I think H thinks I've just thrown in the towel. I haven't. I've just shifted my focus back to ME. I've been walking every day and I feel great. I've started back eating healthier and that makes me feel great. It's so nice not to worry about every little thing. I had no idea what a worry-wort I'd become!!