If my daughter is finally clean why hasn’t she changed ?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Jenna0823, Feb 26, 2019.

  1. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    My 31 year old daughter was addicted to drugs since age 13. Over the past 10 years it has been heroin. She just had her third baby from a third father last month. If you read thru my previous posts you will see the horrific abuse I have suffered from her. It’s includes lying and stealing and manipulating me over and over again. I was always there to pick up the pieces for her messes. In June she was given custody back of my 11 year old granddaughter. Since then she has kept her from me and just recently I finally have been able to talk with my granddaughter as she has been on FaceTime with my son playing video games. I miss my granddaughter so terribly. I took care of her for 11 years while my daughter was in jail and rehab and on heroin. I assume since she just had the baby last month that she has been clean from drugs for a little over a year now. But she has had no contact with me at all. Nothing. She also has had no contact at all not even a card or text to her 5 year old son who lives with his father in Florida. She promised me and also her son back in March that she was moving close to us and manipulated me to give her money to pay her fines to come here. I can try to accept that she hates me but why ignore her son? If she is clean how can she just erase us both from her life.? I was always there for her. I paid for everything as well. It really hurts how she is being but it’s peaceful without all her daily drama. But it’s hard missing my granddaughter and knowing that she ignores her son who doesn’t live near her. Shouldn’t she be making things right in recovery ?
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There is such a thing as a dry drunk. That is a person who is sober but still demonstrates addict behavior.

    Your daughter has to want to change. Recovery is about making those changes . . . not just staying sober. The twelve steps are a guideline to changing one's lifestyle and behaviors. Accountability and making amends is part of the twelve steps.

    My daughter claimed to be sober many times but it wasn't until she worked through the twelve steps that her behavior changed. She became a new person. Or maybe I should say she became the person that she was before her addiction stole her away from us.

    Until you see your daughter working at becoming a better person. you need to protect yourself. Sober or not, she is still exhibiting harmful behaviors towards herself and others.

    I'm sorry that you are still going through this.

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  3. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    I don’t believe my daughter is working the twelve steps. She has said in this past that she doesn’t need them and she met two bad exes at those meetings. Always an excuse. When she was on probation she used to have to go to meetings but didn’t and had someone sign her sheet that she had to turn in to her probation officer claiming she attended the meetings.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I am so sorry. I think your daughter is toxic and I would be glad to stay away from her.

    I'm sorry that your granddaughter has to be with her mother. I'm sure she misses you terribly also.

    I do not have any advice to give but I would pray that your granddaughter is being treated properly. You cannot change your daughter and you know that.

    Try to find some peace in your own life.

    If my boys treated me like that - love or no love, they would not be in my life. I learned how to detach from 2 years in therapy and it really can happen and does work.

    It's sad when we have to do that but we have to protect ourselves too. There is nothing wrong with that.
  5. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    Thank you. I agree that my daughter has done so many horrible things to me but I always blamed it on the heroin and drugs so I forgave her and tried to help her. Now I am clearly seeing that she is not a nice person while not on the drugs. Not only to me but to her own 5 year old son that she has abandoned and not looked back. That’s so sad. He is a sweet little boy. Hugs.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Often the drugs are a symptom of not being able to handle society appropriately. Not because you were not taught, or raised right, but because for some reason you can't. You seek out drugs to avoid your feelings and problems. Being clean just means you have the world, and all of your old problems, to cope with. Without learning to deal with the problems, you are usually a very toxic person. Plus your development is stuck at where you were when you started using. This means your 30-something year old daughter has the same ability to deal with the world that an immature 13 year old does. It can be just awful to have to deal with a person who is so socially immature and unable to cope.

    Or it could be that she isn't clean but is saying she is clean. That happens too.

    Either way, do what you can to make sure your granddaughter knows that you still love her, and that she can contact you if she has a need or want to contact you.

    You are a wonderful grandma to have raised the little ones so lovingly.
  7. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    My grandkids mean the world to me. I have always tried to protect them especially my 11 year old granddaughter. I had her in my life everyday until last June. I pray everyday for god to keep her safe. She just lost her dad to a heroin overdose in July so she has been thru so much in her life. My daughter hardly ever raised her. Always in and out of jail and rehab. That has to have an effect on her. I miss her so deeply. It really hurts. My daughter is doing this to hurt me because I stopped enabling her. Hugs