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If there is someone that would be my friend...I would be grateful.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 654041" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Welcome Copacabana,we're glad you're here.</p><p></p><p>Ah, you ask so many key questions. And you make so many statements..."I cannot disengage"...."I cannot control".</p><p></p><p>Please know each one of us has been right where you are. It is part of the same process each person must go through, each enabler, each one of us, in letting go of someone else and their decisions and choices.</p><p></p><p>But, you say, there are so many things about him. He may have this, he may have that. We know. We were right there too.</p><p></p><p>Some key points:</p><p></p><p>1. You and your son are not different from other people and their children. That used to be my first "out", i.e., "we're different."</p><p>2. You have to be sick and tired enough of your current situation to want to change. So will he, if he ever decides to change.</p><p>3. You can't choose another person's timing to change. That is an individual thing.</p><p>4. Once you have the deep, clean and clear desire to change---yourself---you will need a lot of help, support and tools in order to walk the road of change. </p><p>5. Those tools may be: therapy, medication, prayer, meditation, Al-Anon meetings, NAMI meetings, exercise, doing one thing different every single day, buying flowers for your kitchen table and other small kindnesses for yourself, reading books like CoDependent No More, Boundaries and many others, and on and on. I call these things my "toolbox." I call using my tools my "daily practice."</p><p>6. If you are sick and tired enough, and if you begin to assemble and then use a toolbox regularly, you will change. That is the formula for change. "Want to" and "help yourself do it."</p><p></p><p>It won't be easy and you will go back to your old behaviors a lot. But, you will start to see differences, very early on. Those differences---you will start to feel better and you will start to think differently---will build on themselves and you will want more of it. The more you work, the more you will change. </p><p></p><p>And a byproduct of the change in YOU----will be a CHANCE for him to change also. Again, he will have to be sick and tired of his current life enough first. And then he will have to have a toolbox too, and he will have to use the toolbox.</p><p></p><p>I know this sounds simple, but it isn't. It is the hardest work you will ever do in your life---to rebuild yourself and reclaim your life. </p><p></p><p>We let go of who we are in order to "save" someone we love so completely. We lose ourselves in our zeal to fix, to manage, to control. And it doesn't work. It never has worked, and it never will work. </p><p></p><p>Each person has a choice of what road to walk in life. We choose the road. For years, what you and your son did----I call it a dance---it worked. It worked when he was a little boy. It doesn't work now, now that he is a grown man. </p><p></p><p>It's not working for you and it's not working for him.</p><p></p><p>Are you sick and tired enough? </p><p></p><p>We care here. We get it. We have empathy and compassion for you, and for each other, and most of all, for ourselves. That is what it takes to reclaim your life. You can do it. And we can be one of your tools.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs this morning. We are glad you are here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 654041, member: 17542"] Welcome Copacabana,we're glad you're here. Ah, you ask so many key questions. And you make so many statements..."I cannot disengage"...."I cannot control". Please know each one of us has been right where you are. It is part of the same process each person must go through, each enabler, each one of us, in letting go of someone else and their decisions and choices. But, you say, there are so many things about him. He may have this, he may have that. We know. We were right there too. Some key points: 1. You and your son are not different from other people and their children. That used to be my first "out", i.e., "we're different." 2. You have to be sick and tired enough of your current situation to want to change. So will he, if he ever decides to change. 3. You can't choose another person's timing to change. That is an individual thing. 4. Once you have the deep, clean and clear desire to change---yourself---you will need a lot of help, support and tools in order to walk the road of change. 5. Those tools may be: therapy, medication, prayer, meditation, Al-Anon meetings, NAMI meetings, exercise, doing one thing different every single day, buying flowers for your kitchen table and other small kindnesses for yourself, reading books like CoDependent No More, Boundaries and many others, and on and on. I call these things my "toolbox." I call using my tools my "daily practice." 6. If you are sick and tired enough, and if you begin to assemble and then use a toolbox regularly, you will change. That is the formula for change. "Want to" and "help yourself do it." It won't be easy and you will go back to your old behaviors a lot. But, you will start to see differences, very early on. Those differences---you will start to feel better and you will start to think differently---will build on themselves and you will want more of it. The more you work, the more you will change. And a byproduct of the change in YOU----will be a CHANCE for him to change also. Again, he will have to be sick and tired of his current life enough first. And then he will have to have a toolbox too, and he will have to use the toolbox. I know this sounds simple, but it isn't. It is the hardest work you will ever do in your life---to rebuild yourself and reclaim your life. We let go of who we are in order to "save" someone we love so completely. We lose ourselves in our zeal to fix, to manage, to control. And it doesn't work. It never has worked, and it never will work. Each person has a choice of what road to walk in life. We choose the road. For years, what you and your son did----I call it a dance---it worked. It worked when he was a little boy. It doesn't work now, now that he is a grown man. It's not working for you and it's not working for him. Are you sick and tired enough? We care here. We get it. We have empathy and compassion for you, and for each other, and most of all, for ourselves. That is what it takes to reclaim your life. You can do it. And we can be one of your tools. Warm hugs this morning. We are glad you are here. [/QUOTE]
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