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If there is someone that would be my friend...I would be grateful.
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 654104" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Copabanana,</p><p> </p><p>Welcome! I'm glad you found us and I'm so sorry your heart is so heavy.</p><p> </p><p>It's obvious you love your son very much but no matter how much you love your son, you can't love the problems away. If that were possible then none of us would be here on this forum.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>You have identified so much in this statement. You have a deep rooted co-dependent relationship with your son. There are many aspects to being in a co-dependent relationship.</p><p><em><span style="color: #0000ff">I cannot disengage. I say this because when I do not know where and how he is I am depressed to the point where I do not leave my bed. </span></em></p><p>Your son is a 26 year old man. It is unhealthy and unrealistic for you to know where and how he is doing at all times. You are relying on his well being to dictate whether or not you are happy.</p><p><strong>Co-dependent aspect: </strong></p><p><strong><strong>Poor boundaries.</strong>Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. <u>They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems</u></strong></p><p><em><span style="color: #0000ff">I feel as if all of my life has been lived poorly, and that any success I have had, and I have had a great deal of success, means nothing.</span></em></p><p><span style="color: #000000">You acknowledge that you have had success in your life yet you diminish that because you are putting your son ahead of yourself.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><strong>Co-dependent aspect:</strong></span></p><p><strong>Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start <u>putting other people ahead of themselves</u>.</strong></p><p><em><span style="color: #0000ff">I cannot be happy unless my son is safe, secure and functioning. My son is not safe, secure or functioning.</span></em></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000"><strong>Co-dependent aspect:</strong></span></span></p><p><strong><span style="color: #000000"><strong>Control.</strong>Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. <u>Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay.</u></span></strong></p><p> </p><p><strong><em><span style="color: #0000ff">Clearly I cannot control what he chooses to do or how he chooses to live. So I am depressed to the point of not allowing myself to live at all</span></em></strong></p><p><span style="color: #000000">You are correct, you cannot control how he chooses to live, however you CAN choose how you live.</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #000000">While this forum has many people who will be here for you to help and support you I cannot stress enough that you should also seek out a counselor that can help you understand better the dynamics of a co-dependent relationship and also how to set healthy boundaries.</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #000000">I am glad you reached out, that's a big first step.</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #000000">Keep posting, we are here for you and care about you.</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #000000">((HUGS))..............</span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 654104, member: 18516"] Hi Copabanana, Welcome! I'm glad you found us and I'm so sorry your heart is so heavy. It's obvious you love your son very much but no matter how much you love your son, you can't love the problems away. If that were possible then none of us would be here on this forum. You have identified so much in this statement. You have a deep rooted co-dependent relationship with your son. There are many aspects to being in a co-dependent relationship. [I][COLOR=#0000ff]I cannot disengage. I say this because when I do not know where and how he is I am depressed to the point where I do not leave my bed. [/COLOR][/I] Your son is a 26 year old man. It is unhealthy and unrealistic for you to know where and how he is doing at all times. You are relying on his well being to dictate whether or not you are happy. [B]Co-dependent aspect: [B]Poor boundaries.[/B]Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. [U]They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems[/U][/B] [I][COLOR=#0000ff]I feel as if all of my life has been lived poorly, and that any success I have had, and I have had a great deal of success, means nothing.[/COLOR][/I] [COLOR=#000000]You acknowledge that you have had success in your life yet you diminish that because you are putting your son ahead of yourself. [B]Co-dependent aspect:[/B][/COLOR] [B]Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start [U]putting other people ahead of themselves[/U].[/B] [I][COLOR=#0000ff]I cannot be happy unless my son is safe, secure and functioning. My son is not safe, secure or functioning.[/COLOR][/I] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][B]Co-dependent aspect:[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE] [B][COLOR=#000000][B]Control.[/B]Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. [U]Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay.[/U][/COLOR][/B] [B][I][COLOR=#0000ff]Clearly I cannot control what he chooses to do or how he chooses to live. So I am depressed to the point of not allowing myself to live at all[/COLOR][/I][/B] [COLOR=#000000]You are correct, you cannot control how he chooses to live, however you CAN choose how you live.[/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]While this forum has many people who will be here for you to help and support you I cannot stress enough that you should also seek out a counselor that can help you understand better the dynamics of a co-dependent relationship and also how to set healthy boundaries.[/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]I am glad you reached out, that's a big first step.[/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]Keep posting, we are here for you and care about you.[/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]((HUGS))..............[/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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