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If there is someone that would be my friend...I would be grateful.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 654209" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>The post we have here that Tanya added above is excellent. I remember reading it over and over again and printing it out when I first got here.</p><p></p><p>Another tool for learning <strong>how </strong>to detach is Al-Anon. I first heard the term there: detachment with love.</p><p></p><p>It's not a cold or angry "thing", or a punitive or miserly attitude. It is simply quietly and calmly taking big giant steps back to our own lives, without fanfare. </p><p></p><p>We say they don't call us, so good. That is a first tiny step. Instead of worrying and being upset about them not contacting us, we breathe a sigh of relief. This is a blessing in disguise.</p><p></p><p>And then we use that time---that time when we are not hearing from them---to turn away from the bright focus on them and turn that bright focus onto ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Gradually, we relax into that space and time when we are able to go for several days...or a week...or two...without hearing from them. We don't know what they are doing, and we hope they are okay, but we just release them to our Higher Power...or to the Universe...or to Mother Nature...and we hope and pray and trust that they will be okay.</p><p></p><p>We start to understand...and really claim this knowledge..that our best efforts haven't changed anything. We lean into that knowledge instead of trying even harder to change them. We just....finally....accept that our love, our relentless persistence and our knowledge of "what is right even if they don't know what is right" will never get us what we want...which is their wholeness and happiness.</p><p></p><p>This is a tough one---letting go, really letting go.</p><p></p><p>Because most of us have never admitted that we can't make something happen. I know I didn't admit that for years. Why would I? That was WHO I was. That was a very foundational part of me. And to admit I couldn't make something happen, particularly something this important...was beyond me for a long long time.</p><p></p><p>Detachment with love is a process. I am still working on that process. I will work on it for the rest of my life, from all people, places and things. Today I see it very differently. I see it as healthy boundaries, with my difficult child, with my easy child, with my husband, with my friends, with my clients...on and on. I need to give other people the respect and dignity to live their own lives without my interference. </p><p></p><p>It doesn't mean I don't care deeply and love them dearly. I wish them every good thing in life. I also realize the definition of "every good thing in life" is theirs to write, not mine. And theirs to work for, not mine to work for. </p><p></p><p>It is a glorious blessing to move into this state of being. It is worth the work, believe me. Today, having just glimpsed parts of what this can really mean, I want more and more of it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 654209, member: 17542"] The post we have here that Tanya added above is excellent. I remember reading it over and over again and printing it out when I first got here. Another tool for learning [B]how [/B]to detach is Al-Anon. I first heard the term there: detachment with love. It's not a cold or angry "thing", or a punitive or miserly attitude. It is simply quietly and calmly taking big giant steps back to our own lives, without fanfare. We say they don't call us, so good. That is a first tiny step. Instead of worrying and being upset about them not contacting us, we breathe a sigh of relief. This is a blessing in disguise. And then we use that time---that time when we are not hearing from them---to turn away from the bright focus on them and turn that bright focus onto ourselves. Gradually, we relax into that space and time when we are able to go for several days...or a week...or two...without hearing from them. We don't know what they are doing, and we hope they are okay, but we just release them to our Higher Power...or to the Universe...or to Mother Nature...and we hope and pray and trust that they will be okay. We start to understand...and really claim this knowledge..that our best efforts haven't changed anything. We lean into that knowledge instead of trying even harder to change them. We just....finally....accept that our love, our relentless persistence and our knowledge of "what is right even if they don't know what is right" will never get us what we want...which is their wholeness and happiness. This is a tough one---letting go, really letting go. Because most of us have never admitted that we can't make something happen. I know I didn't admit that for years. Why would I? That was WHO I was. That was a very foundational part of me. And to admit I couldn't make something happen, particularly something this important...was beyond me for a long long time. Detachment with love is a process. I am still working on that process. I will work on it for the rest of my life, from all people, places and things. Today I see it very differently. I see it as healthy boundaries, with my difficult child, with my easy child, with my husband, with my friends, with my clients...on and on. I need to give other people the respect and dignity to live their own lives without my interference. It doesn't mean I don't care deeply and love them dearly. I wish them every good thing in life. I also realize the definition of "every good thing in life" is theirs to write, not mine. And theirs to work for, not mine to work for. It is a glorious blessing to move into this state of being. It is worth the work, believe me. Today, having just glimpsed parts of what this can really mean, I want more and more of it. [/QUOTE]
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