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If there is someone that would be my friend...I would be grateful.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 654219" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I understand this.</p><p></p><p>There is such joy in caring for and living with a child.</p><p></p><p>It is a wonderful thing, to cherish those times before we knew what was coming. There is strength for us, there. For myself, I believe there is a genetic imperative in moms to mother the child until, in the normal course of events, the "child" finds that confining and rebels. Our difficult child children seem "differently wired" as one of our moms here describes it. The love that was once given so freely is used to manipulate us. If we continue in the same patterns with our differently wired children that other, more fortunate parents can continue with impunity and even, pride, our differently wired children will destroy both them and ourselves.</p><p></p><p>So, we need to find another way to parent our differently wired kids.</p><p></p><p>The jury is still out, but detachment parenting seems to encourage the kids to grow into the men and women we raised them to be.</p><p></p><p>Detachment parenting is more difficult. The concept is counter-intuitive. The feelings that would have poured out into the world, and into our children, as love with a normally developing child now roll back onto us like toxic clouds.</p><p></p><p>We blame ourselves, and we condemn ourselves. We search so desperately for how to address whatever is happening this time correctly.</p><p></p><p>None of that works.</p><p></p><p>There was a mom here with us once whose child beat her to the point she had bleeding in her brain <em>and yet she took him back home. </em>By the time she found this site, that brain bleed was just something she mentioned in passing, because worse things were happening to her, and to her son, by then.</p><p></p><p>That is why we seem so hard sometimes, here on the site.</p><p></p><p>Like you, we have been so deeply hurt Copacabana, and have had to become very strong.</p><p></p><p>We all are doing the best we know.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is how I felt, too. When other parents here on the site posted to me, I could not understand what they meant.</p><p></p><p>Codependent did not resonate with me. It still does not resonate with me. For some of us, that term "codependent" was the term that set us free. Somehow, some of us have seen ourselves and our children there.</p><p></p><p>I don't.</p><p></p><p>That is my child.</p><p></p><p>Period.</p><p></p><p>Anyone may call me any name that they like.</p><p></p><p>Show me the beef, as they say. Show me something that works, and I will consider any term you like.</p><p></p><p>Detachment parenting helps me. It seems to be helping my children and grands. But the jury is still out.</p><p></p><p>I see the pride my friends take in their children. I see the way they love themselves more, think more highly of themselves, because their children are successful.</p><p></p><p>That is what moms do.</p><p></p><p>But our children are self-destructing, Copacabana. Continuing to mother them as though it were not dangerous, to them, and to us, can kill us.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is the secret hurt, the thing impossible to believe, in my own heart, too.</p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p>I conclude that whether they love me or not doesn't matter. I am their mother. (Or, their grandmother.) I will behave toward them and myself in the best way I know or can learn. Again, detachment parenting, for our ill or addicted kids, seems to make them stronger, more self reliant.</p><p></p><p>So I am right on board with that.</p><p></p><p>If I need a hit of mother love, I remember what we had when they were my children, before these terrible things happened to all of us.</p><p></p><p>And that makes me happy, to think about those times. And it makes me very sad, too.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>I have learned to take my happiness where I find it and to be grateful I have anything, at all.</p><p></p><p>That is how bad this has been.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Like any powerful force, the love is there, unchanged. In it's power, it can destroy both us and our children.</p><p></p><p>That is how I see it.</p><p></p><p>I needed to learn a different way of interacting with my kids because what I was doing was not working. <em>This is what I learned: It is not that I was doing anything that was wrong or that was right. It is the situation that is bad. Not the child. Not the parent.</em></p><p></p><p>And yet, like any energy, the power that is love can turn destructive, can be twisted into an ugly parody of itself.</p><p></p><p>I think that is where I am in my story, as I try to make sense of what happened to all of us. I find myself thinking "Ours is an ugly story."</p><p></p><p>And it undeniably is.</p><p></p><p>But it is our story.</p><p></p><p>We will, or we will fail to, find a way to celebrate our lives though that is the truth at the heart of things.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this happened to you, too.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This comforts me.</p><p></p><p>It addresses the shame we might feel in what the kids do.</p><p></p><p>Good one, SOT.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>True.</p><p></p><p>And it was when I realized that that I changed the way I interacted with my kids. And it was so freaking hard, Copacabana. The guilt and shame of it, of not helping, the horrible consequences that sure enough did happen ~ ew.</p><p></p><p>But today, things are better.</p><p></p><p>It worked, for me to tell the kids they could do it, they are strong enough, that I love and believe in them that much.</p><p></p><p>I said the words detachment parenting, and they hated it and I hated it more but I had this site, and we got me through it.</p><p></p><p>And things are better, today.</p><p></p><p>So, here is how I see it: For my children's sakes, I can not <em>ever</em> slip back in to being that mom I always wanted to be. If I love them, the right way to love them looks just like this.</p><p></p><p>And they are getting stronger.</p><p></p><p>And all I can know to comfort myself when people judge me, or when something bad happens and I don't do the expected things, or even when the kids judge me, is to remember that loving them the way that made me happy did not help the kids.</p><p></p><p>I am glad, for those who judge me, that they have not been where I have been, and that they do not know what I know.</p><p></p><p>It is very lonely, to be this kind of mom.</p><p></p><p>But I will not go back to the other way of loving them.</p><p></p><p>With all my heart, I will try not to do that.</p><p></p><p>Here is a story for you, Copacabana. There was a mom on our site who put her addicted child onto the streets. She stuck to her guns...and her son was killed.</p><p></p><p>The woman had another child.</p><p></p><p>A son.</p><p></p><p>He began using. He developed an addiction.</p><p></p><p>She put him out, too.</p><p></p><p>She got it on so deep a level that we cannot do the work of recovery for them. We love them too much to see them suffer. What happens is that we begin enabling, instead. Enabling twists everything and makes it ugly. Somewhere down the line, we find ourselves allowing things we would never have condoned and thinking that is normal.</p><p></p><p>Addiction is an ugly disease.</p><p></p><p>It is terminal.</p><p></p><p>This woman's son lived, Copacabana.</p><p></p><p>He lived, he got himself cleaned up, and then, and only then, did she take him back in.</p><p></p><p>She is not here on the site with us, anymore.</p><p></p><p>But I take such courage from her story, when I waver.</p><p></p><p>It is not the child that is wrong. It is not the parent. It is the illness, or the addiction, that is wrong. We have to look at that one straight on and commit to finding the best response to our impossibly, unbelievably ugly situations.</p><p></p><p>Once we do?</p><p></p><p>We have to figure out how to live with and learn to love ourselves again.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>This is getting so long, but there are two other things I would have you know.</p><p></p><p>The first is a concept Child of Mine gave us. She named it "toolbox". Into our imaginary toolboxes go every helpful thing we know or can learn. Every strengthening thing we run across, every goal, every "I know I can do this." When we are hit by the FOG (another helpful concept, this one from Recovering Enabler) <em>we may not be able to think through the hurt of it, but we can remember our toolbox and go there for strength.</em></p><p></p><p>That concept has been invaluable to me. Both concepts, actually. FOG is when we are popped into PTSD mode and literally, cannot think. It is good to name the state of mind when it is happening to us.</p><p></p><p>Knowing that concept, knowing that those feelings, that shocked numb mindset, will pass, is a survival tool.</p><p></p><p>The second thing I would suggest for you Copacabana is to find Child of Mine's Highchair Tyrants thread. The concept of suffering is addressed beautifully, there, and of learning how to suffer through what we can learn from the Mary.</p><p></p><p>The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle helped me learn to separate myself from my suffering, to see it as something separate and therefore, survivable.</p><p></p><p>And this, always this. This is what I learned of love from my children, Copacabana. And if we were able to take the long view, the view it would require immortality to believe in, perhaps there is purpose here somewhere, after all, and we are engaged, with our children, in something indescribably correct.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe, there is no meaning to any of it but the one we bring.</p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]7oZN2eTgvVs[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 654219, member: 17461"] I understand this. There is such joy in caring for and living with a child. It is a wonderful thing, to cherish those times before we knew what was coming. There is strength for us, there. For myself, I believe there is a genetic imperative in moms to mother the child until, in the normal course of events, the "child" finds that confining and rebels. Our difficult child children seem "differently wired" as one of our moms here describes it. The love that was once given so freely is used to manipulate us. If we continue in the same patterns with our differently wired children that other, more fortunate parents can continue with impunity and even, pride, our differently wired children will destroy both them and ourselves. So, we need to find another way to parent our differently wired kids. The jury is still out, but detachment parenting seems to encourage the kids to grow into the men and women we raised them to be. Detachment parenting is more difficult. The concept is counter-intuitive. The feelings that would have poured out into the world, and into our children, as love with a normally developing child now roll back onto us like toxic clouds. We blame ourselves, and we condemn ourselves. We search so desperately for how to address whatever is happening this time correctly. None of that works. There was a mom here with us once whose child beat her to the point she had bleeding in her brain [I]and yet she took him back home. [/I]By the time she found this site, that brain bleed was just something she mentioned in passing, because worse things were happening to her, and to her son, by then. That is why we seem so hard sometimes, here on the site. Like you, we have been so deeply hurt Copacabana, and have had to become very strong. We all are doing the best we know. This is how I felt, too. When other parents here on the site posted to me, I could not understand what they meant. Codependent did not resonate with me. It still does not resonate with me. For some of us, that term "codependent" was the term that set us free. Somehow, some of us have seen ourselves and our children there. I don't. That is my child. Period. Anyone may call me any name that they like. Show me the beef, as they say. Show me something that works, and I will consider any term you like. Detachment parenting helps me. It seems to be helping my children and grands. But the jury is still out. I see the pride my friends take in their children. I see the way they love themselves more, think more highly of themselves, because their children are successful. That is what moms do. But our children are self-destructing, Copacabana. Continuing to mother them as though it were not dangerous, to them, and to us, can kill us. This is the secret hurt, the thing impossible to believe, in my own heart, too. Ouch. I conclude that whether they love me or not doesn't matter. I am their mother. (Or, their grandmother.) I will behave toward them and myself in the best way I know or can learn. Again, detachment parenting, for our ill or addicted kids, seems to make them stronger, more self reliant. So I am right on board with that. If I need a hit of mother love, I remember what we had when they were my children, before these terrible things happened to all of us. And that makes me happy, to think about those times. And it makes me very sad, too. It is what it is. I have learned to take my happiness where I find it and to be grateful I have anything, at all. That is how bad this has been. Like any powerful force, the love is there, unchanged. In it's power, it can destroy both us and our children. That is how I see it. I needed to learn a different way of interacting with my kids because what I was doing was not working. [I]This is what I learned: It is not that I was doing anything that was wrong or that was right. It is the situation that is bad. Not the child. Not the parent.[/I] And yet, like any energy, the power that is love can turn destructive, can be twisted into an ugly parody of itself. I think that is where I am in my story, as I try to make sense of what happened to all of us. I find myself thinking "Ours is an ugly story." And it undeniably is. But it is our story. We will, or we will fail to, find a way to celebrate our lives though that is the truth at the heart of things. I am so sorry this happened to you, too. This comforts me. It addresses the shame we might feel in what the kids do. Good one, SOT. True. And it was when I realized that that I changed the way I interacted with my kids. And it was so freaking hard, Copacabana. The guilt and shame of it, of not helping, the horrible consequences that sure enough did happen ~ ew. But today, things are better. It worked, for me to tell the kids they could do it, they are strong enough, that I love and believe in them that much. I said the words detachment parenting, and they hated it and I hated it more but I had this site, and we got me through it. And things are better, today. So, here is how I see it: For my children's sakes, I can not [I]ever[/I] slip back in to being that mom I always wanted to be. If I love them, the right way to love them looks just like this. And they are getting stronger. And all I can know to comfort myself when people judge me, or when something bad happens and I don't do the expected things, or even when the kids judge me, is to remember that loving them the way that made me happy did not help the kids. I am glad, for those who judge me, that they have not been where I have been, and that they do not know what I know. It is very lonely, to be this kind of mom. But I will not go back to the other way of loving them. With all my heart, I will try not to do that. Here is a story for you, Copacabana. There was a mom on our site who put her addicted child onto the streets. She stuck to her guns...and her son was killed. The woman had another child. A son. He began using. He developed an addiction. She put him out, too. She got it on so deep a level that we cannot do the work of recovery for them. We love them too much to see them suffer. What happens is that we begin enabling, instead. Enabling twists everything and makes it ugly. Somewhere down the line, we find ourselves allowing things we would never have condoned and thinking that is normal. Addiction is an ugly disease. It is terminal. This woman's son lived, Copacabana. He lived, he got himself cleaned up, and then, and only then, did she take him back in. She is not here on the site with us, anymore. But I take such courage from her story, when I waver. It is not the child that is wrong. It is not the parent. It is the illness, or the addiction, that is wrong. We have to look at that one straight on and commit to finding the best response to our impossibly, unbelievably ugly situations. Once we do? We have to figure out how to live with and learn to love ourselves again. It is very hard. *** This is getting so long, but there are two other things I would have you know. The first is a concept Child of Mine gave us. She named it "toolbox". Into our imaginary toolboxes go every helpful thing we know or can learn. Every strengthening thing we run across, every goal, every "I know I can do this." When we are hit by the FOG (another helpful concept, this one from Recovering Enabler) [I]we may not be able to think through the hurt of it, but we can remember our toolbox and go there for strength.[/I] That concept has been invaluable to me. Both concepts, actually. FOG is when we are popped into PTSD mode and literally, cannot think. It is good to name the state of mind when it is happening to us. Knowing that concept, knowing that those feelings, that shocked numb mindset, will pass, is a survival tool. The second thing I would suggest for you Copacabana is to find Child of Mine's Highchair Tyrants thread. The concept of suffering is addressed beautifully, there, and of learning how to suffer through what we can learn from the Mary. The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle helped me learn to separate myself from my suffering, to see it as something separate and therefore, survivable. And this, always this. This is what I learned of love from my children, Copacabana. And if we were able to take the long view, the view it would require immortality to believe in, perhaps there is purpose here somewhere, after all, and we are engaged, with our children, in something indescribably correct. Or maybe, there is no meaning to any of it but the one we bring. [MEDIA=youtube]7oZN2eTgvVs[/MEDIA] Cedar [/QUOTE]
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If there is someone that would be my friend...I would be grateful.
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