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If there is someone that would be my friend...I would be grateful.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 655615" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>No one here would ever view you as a cockroach, blackgnat. I am so glad to see you, and to know you are doing well. I think we all learn from whatever direction the threads go.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you posted in.</p><p></p><p>I would say butterfly or dragonfly (my personal favorite) not cockroach, blackgnat. You are changing, growing, expanding into someone stronger. Each of us has to exhaust herself before she becomes desperate enough to take the leap into detachment parenting. </p><p></p><p>Blackgnat?</p><p></p><p>Know that you are cherished.</p><p></p><p>I am so pleased you chose to go to Australia.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I see it a little differently. It isn't so much you or me kid, for me. It is...it's like trusting them with their own lives. It's like believing they can do it. It puts me in a place where I have no value, to turn things over to the kids.</p><p></p><p>No money. No moving home. No accepting verbal or emotional abuse. (Or physical abuse, for sure.) I can see how that would happen though, blackgnat. My son has pushed those edges with me. The look in his eyes.... I didn't know what to do with it. Not at all. But D H ran his own son right out of here without ever knowing about that time.</p><p></p><p>He still doesn't know.</p><p></p><p>What I am saying is that I could have been you, blackgnat.</p><p></p><p>No shame. Not for you, and not for me.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is. We did the best we knew and three steps beyond even that. But addiction is an ugly, destructive thing, and our children are caught in it.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, once I started saying no, things got way worse for a while, there. (D H always said no. But I always said yes. So it was a huge surprise when I started saying no and I meant it.) </p><p></p><p>But when they foundered and then, found their wings <em>that was their pride, their strength, not mine.</em></p><p></p><p>It has been disconcerting to not be the go to mom. Especially disconcerting to me, because of the way I grew up. So, I had to grow through that part.</p><p></p><p>I think I am doing okay with how to keep going through this. I really am trying very hard to do the hardest thing, to remember to <em>lean in</em>, as Brene Brown writes. A big part of my healing has been to hold an intention of treating myself "kinder". Not kind. That would be a place I could judge myself when I fall back into old patterns of thinking or seeing. Only "kinder". </p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>There was a certain kind of payoff in the victim role, in the role of poor me, maybe. It wasn't that way at first. Everything gets all twisted, when we are caught up in enabling. I was relating to my children the best I knew, I was trying really hard to do what was best for them...but I was really relating to the addiction. And that is an ugly thing, addiction. </p><p></p><p>Ha! I forgot where I was going with this.</p><p></p><p>In any event, you are a butterfly or a dragonfly blackgnat, not a cockroach.</p><p></p><p>I got such a kick out of your writing that you wanted to leave your brain on the kitchen counter!</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me, too. But you know what else I see, for both of us? Courage. Determination. Total commitment. </p><p></p><p>And I think love still is saving all of us. We cared enough about our children and ourselves to stay open, to keep searching, and to change when we believed there was a valid reason to do so.</p><p></p><p>How fortunate we have been, to have loved like that.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking about your comment about love saving our families. I think that is still true. I know a lady who tells this story about group therapy at a rehab facility: One of the people in treatment began blaming his mother for something. It wasn't even anything that bad. The counselor jumped right down that person's throat <em>because once the kids are no longer using, they cannot believe their good fortune in having had parents who continued to love them.</em> The counselor broke the person right there. The person admitted he was using, again.</p><p></p><p>I have never forgotten that story.</p><p></p><p>As I am pulling myself back together<em>, </em>I remind myself all the time that it wasn't me who was bad. Even in my enabling, it was not me who was bad. It was not either of my children who were bad.</p><p></p><p>It was the situation, it was the addiction.</p><p></p><p>That was the bad thing.</p><p></p><p>And here we all are, and I am glad you are back. Very happy to know you are doing well, blackgnat.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 655615, member: 17461"] No one here would ever view you as a cockroach, blackgnat. I am so glad to see you, and to know you are doing well. I think we all learn from whatever direction the threads go. I am glad you posted in. I would say butterfly or dragonfly (my personal favorite) not cockroach, blackgnat. You are changing, growing, expanding into someone stronger. Each of us has to exhaust herself before she becomes desperate enough to take the leap into detachment parenting. Blackgnat? Know that you are cherished. I am so pleased you chose to go to Australia. :O) I see it a little differently. It isn't so much you or me kid, for me. It is...it's like trusting them with their own lives. It's like believing they can do it. It puts me in a place where I have no value, to turn things over to the kids. No money. No moving home. No accepting verbal or emotional abuse. (Or physical abuse, for sure.) I can see how that would happen though, blackgnat. My son has pushed those edges with me. The look in his eyes.... I didn't know what to do with it. Not at all. But D H ran his own son right out of here without ever knowing about that time. He still doesn't know. What I am saying is that I could have been you, blackgnat. No shame. Not for you, and not for me. It is what it is. We did the best we knew and three steps beyond even that. But addiction is an ugly, destructive thing, and our children are caught in it. Anyway, once I started saying no, things got way worse for a while, there. (D H always said no. But I always said yes. So it was a huge surprise when I started saying no and I meant it.) But when they foundered and then, found their wings [I]that was their pride, their strength, not mine.[/I] It has been disconcerting to not be the go to mom. Especially disconcerting to me, because of the way I grew up. So, I had to grow through that part. I think I am doing okay with how to keep going through this. I really am trying very hard to do the hardest thing, to remember to [I]lean in[/I], as Brene Brown writes. A big part of my healing has been to hold an intention of treating myself "kinder". Not kind. That would be a place I could judge myself when I fall back into old patterns of thinking or seeing. Only "kinder". *** There was a certain kind of payoff in the victim role, in the role of poor me, maybe. It wasn't that way at first. Everything gets all twisted, when we are caught up in enabling. I was relating to my children the best I knew, I was trying really hard to do what was best for them...but I was really relating to the addiction. And that is an ugly thing, addiction. Ha! I forgot where I was going with this. In any event, you are a butterfly or a dragonfly blackgnat, not a cockroach. I got such a kick out of your writing that you wanted to leave your brain on the kitchen counter! :hugs: Me, too. But you know what else I see, for both of us? Courage. Determination. Total commitment. And I think love still is saving all of us. We cared enough about our children and ourselves to stay open, to keep searching, and to change when we believed there was a valid reason to do so. How fortunate we have been, to have loved like that. I am thinking about your comment about love saving our families. I think that is still true. I know a lady who tells this story about group therapy at a rehab facility: One of the people in treatment began blaming his mother for something. It wasn't even anything that bad. The counselor jumped right down that person's throat [I]because once the kids are no longer using, they cannot believe their good fortune in having had parents who continued to love them.[/I] The counselor broke the person right there. The person admitted he was using, again. I have never forgotten that story. As I am pulling myself back together[I], [/I]I remind myself all the time that it wasn't me who was bad. Even in my enabling, it was not me who was bad. It was not either of my children who were bad. It was the situation, it was the addiction. That was the bad thing. And here we all are, and I am glad you are back. Very happy to know you are doing well, blackgnat. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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