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If there is someone that would be my friend...I would be grateful.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 655639" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Copa, I've been reading along. You've been given beautiful, poignant and very real support......the warrior's are circling their wagons around you.</p><p></p><p>I identify with everything you've said in this thread......I too have been defined by being the mother of a troubled child.....and before that defined by being the daughter of mentally ill parents.........it's been a life's work to redefine myself. I've had many years of therapy, but the 2 years I spent in a Codependency program, working with a private therapist and a group therapist was what changed everything for me. I look at that now as the codependency part was the root of all of it. My daughter's troubled life brought me there and my own willingness to stop the suffering kept me there and the peace I began to find made me want to continue until I "got it."</p><p></p><p>Your statement "my default in my family is to not claim the space of contentment, enough, satisfaction.....because others better need it, or worse still, demand it....and it is my role to give up myself.....so that they might live." Well, I could have written that a few years ago. My therapist nailed it when she said to me, "you absorb the deficiencies of others." At my expense, in spades. </p><p></p><p>To learn how to detach, to find peace, to accept what is, to be in this moment in time and really live it, in my opinion takes work on our part........we have to learn to recognize where our kids end and we begin........there is a clear demarcation mark, we are separate entities, and it is imperative to know that demarcation mark. I had to spend close to 2 years in this program because frankly I was not only tied up in knots around my daughter, but I had a pretty big judgement about anyone who could possibly detach from their own child. That judgement kept me stuck. I had to let that one go. I had to let go of a lot. A whole lot. Codependency is a killer, it takes your life away in bits and pieces.......I feel so fortunate that I found this program, because even though I resisted it to the max in the beginning, even though it meant I had to change, even though I had to give up my false persona of the all giving saint, even though it hurt like the dickens, I was just not willing to suffer anymore, I wanted out and I wanted peace. I became willing to do whatever it took and I did do whatever it took. Now, 3 1/2 years after the darkest times, I am okay. I am thriving. I am peaceful and I have joy. </p><p></p><p>No one is more surprised than me. If you want to do this thing, than do it. Your intention to change will bring you in the healers, teachers, therapists, courses, books, whatever it is that you need. I made peace of mind my intention. That's what I got. I had to walk through my own "stuff" and surrender to what is. </p><p></p><p>Here are some books which helped me: The gifts of imperfection by Brene Brown; Comfortable with Uncertainty, Living Beautifully, The places that scare you, & When things fall apart by Pema Chodron; Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl and The power of Now and the New Earth by Ekchart Tolle.</p><p></p><p>This is hard stuff. Be very kind to yourself. We're all here if you need us. You're not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 655639, member: 13542"] Copa, I've been reading along. You've been given beautiful, poignant and very real support......the warrior's are circling their wagons around you. I identify with everything you've said in this thread......I too have been defined by being the mother of a troubled child.....and before that defined by being the daughter of mentally ill parents.........it's been a life's work to redefine myself. I've had many years of therapy, but the 2 years I spent in a Codependency program, working with a private therapist and a group therapist was what changed everything for me. I look at that now as the codependency part was the root of all of it. My daughter's troubled life brought me there and my own willingness to stop the suffering kept me there and the peace I began to find made me want to continue until I "got it." Your statement "my default in my family is to not claim the space of contentment, enough, satisfaction.....because others better need it, or worse still, demand it....and it is my role to give up myself.....so that they might live." Well, I could have written that a few years ago. My therapist nailed it when she said to me, "you absorb the deficiencies of others." At my expense, in spades. To learn how to detach, to find peace, to accept what is, to be in this moment in time and really live it, in my opinion takes work on our part........we have to learn to recognize where our kids end and we begin........there is a clear demarcation mark, we are separate entities, and it is imperative to know that demarcation mark. I had to spend close to 2 years in this program because frankly I was not only tied up in knots around my daughter, but I had a pretty big judgement about anyone who could possibly detach from their own child. That judgement kept me stuck. I had to let that one go. I had to let go of a lot. A whole lot. Codependency is a killer, it takes your life away in bits and pieces.......I feel so fortunate that I found this program, because even though I resisted it to the max in the beginning, even though it meant I had to change, even though I had to give up my false persona of the all giving saint, even though it hurt like the dickens, I was just not willing to suffer anymore, I wanted out and I wanted peace. I became willing to do whatever it took and I did do whatever it took. Now, 3 1/2 years after the darkest times, I am okay. I am thriving. I am peaceful and I have joy. No one is more surprised than me. If you want to do this thing, than do it. Your intention to change will bring you in the healers, teachers, therapists, courses, books, whatever it is that you need. I made peace of mind my intention. That's what I got. I had to walk through my own "stuff" and surrender to what is. Here are some books which helped me: The gifts of imperfection by Brene Brown; Comfortable with Uncertainty, Living Beautifully, The places that scare you, & When things fall apart by Pema Chodron; Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl and The power of Now and the New Earth by Ekchart Tolle. This is hard stuff. Be very kind to yourself. We're all here if you need us. You're not alone. [/QUOTE]
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