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If there is someone that would be my friend...I would be grateful.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 655680" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Copa, I am reading along here as well. </p><p></p><p>A few thoughts. Yesterday I was in an Al-Anon meeting of just five people. It turned out to be a wonderful hour.</p><p></p><p>We read yesterday's one-pager from the book Courage to Change. But it was the sharing that was so helpful, healing and instructive.</p><p></p><p>We talked about the people we are and have been. For me, I have always been a super achiever. I could do just about anything, and I prided myself on knowing that about myself. Just do it. Just be persistent. It works in just about every situation in life.</p><p></p><p>I also felt I was a pretty good person. I did what I was supposed to do, for the most part. I thought I had it all together.</p><p></p><p>My mother---reminds me of what you said above---was very instrumental in my life. My mother is a great mom. I am the oldest of four, one who was born with a genetic birth defect, which ultimately defined our family. She died when she was 23. I became a super achiever very early on. My parents needed me to be that, and I was.</p><p></p><p>After I got married at age 23 and moved 8 hours away from my family (mother), it was very hard for me. I had not detached from my mother. If my mother said blue was the best color for a living room, I wanted to paint my walls blue. To heck with what my husband said. I remained homesick for my mother for many years.</p><p></p><p>I have been successful in my life in many arenas. I know how to do that. But it hasn't been until the last 8 or 9 years that I have started to really grow up. </p><p></p><p>I hooked my happiness way too much to others' happiness. If they were happy, I could be happy, but not until. I was always "helping" other people when they faced hard times. I have a lot of friends, and they would come to me with their problems. I would help "solve" them, cut to the chase. I was good at it. One time a good friend told me: You're always around when things are bad, but not so much when things are good.</p><p></p><p>I was in so much denial and blindness about myself I thought that was a compliment.</p><p></p><p>I had have a lot of therapy over the years. Marriage and individual. Therapy has helped me a lot.</p><p></p><p>But it hasn't been as helpful as Al-Anon has, for me. In Al-Anon I have learned what it is to be a more complete person in my own right, and I have learned how to unhook from other people. </p><p></p><p>This is not about love at all. I love my family intensely. And today, I can so much better accept them for who they are, which started with accepting myself for who I am. I am not perfect, and I make lots of mistakes. I used to not be able to be wrong. I couldn't stand to be wrong. If I was wrong (a lot of course) I would just change the situation so I wasn't wrong, with my words. I could not accept that I was wrong, because I thought that meant I was bad.</p><p></p><p>We talked about all of these types of things in the Al-Anon meeting yesterday. This is the genesis of healing, for me. Being able to say honestly and openly that I am a work in progress. I am a human being who makes lots of mistakes, and I will continue to make lots of mistakes. That working on myself is a full time job, leaving me no time for part time jobs working on other people. It's truly none of my business.</p><p></p><p>Now, Copa, this has been a long time coming, and early on, there were many ideas and principles shared in Al-Anon that I couldn't see or grasp. So, being who I am, I rejected them. I thought I knew better. </p><p></p><p>But as I came to see that the way I had been doing things was not working at all, and I was willing to openly look at that (again, admitting I was wrong, a new concept for me), and being so so so sick and tired, I became willing to change-----over a long period of time, this happened, not quickly at all. In fact, the first "time" I was in Al-Anon, I went for 18 months regularly, but as soon as my husband and I separated and divorced due primarily to his alcoholism, I stopped going. I had kind of embraced the program, but not really, looking back.</p><p></p><p>Fast forward to when my son's problems became so apparent and chaos and drama and awfulness all around, I knew right where to go---back to Al-Anon. I was ready this time. I was truly ready to change.</p><p></p><p>This stuff is hard. This stuff requires the kind of honesty I never knew about, and that many people can't tolerate. It requires looking closely at ourselves, at our full makeup, at who we are, how we "operate" and what's behind all of that. Why do we do and say the things we do and say? What is this all about? </p><p></p><p>Copa, I am so profoundly grateful today that something drove me into Al-Anon. It is a program for the millennium. It is the most wonderfully simple and simply wonderful concept(s) I have ever heard of. There are so many layers to it, and we "get it when we get it." We can't get all of it at once, there is no way to do that.</p><p></p><p>We get it in God's time, not our time.</p><p></p><p>You sound a lot like me. It is simply the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, to let my son go. And Copa, I sure have not done that perfectly at all. I have had many fits and starts, and one step forward and three backward, and there were times I could barely function, with the grief, pain, fear, confusion, desperate love...most of all the fear...that consumed me about him. We do so many things out of fear.</p><p></p><p>Today, I am still very much a work in progress. I make lots of mistakes and I always will. Today, it is much easier for me to look at myself honestly, face myself, admit when I'm wrong and apologize. It's not fatal to make a mistake. </p><p></p><p>We are here for you. Please...be gentle and kind with yourself. You are doing, and you have been doing, the very best you could do. We all are. There is no list of "shoulds" here. We try to share our experience, strength and hope, and then respect you---this is all about boundaries---and your decisions. </p><p></p><p>You are the only one who knows the situation you're in. You can only do what you can live with. We understand that. We care, and we get it, and we are glad you're here. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs. Hang in there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 655680, member: 17542"] Copa, I am reading along here as well. A few thoughts. Yesterday I was in an Al-Anon meeting of just five people. It turned out to be a wonderful hour. We read yesterday's one-pager from the book Courage to Change. But it was the sharing that was so helpful, healing and instructive. We talked about the people we are and have been. For me, I have always been a super achiever. I could do just about anything, and I prided myself on knowing that about myself. Just do it. Just be persistent. It works in just about every situation in life. I also felt I was a pretty good person. I did what I was supposed to do, for the most part. I thought I had it all together. My mother---reminds me of what you said above---was very instrumental in my life. My mother is a great mom. I am the oldest of four, one who was born with a genetic birth defect, which ultimately defined our family. She died when she was 23. I became a super achiever very early on. My parents needed me to be that, and I was. After I got married at age 23 and moved 8 hours away from my family (mother), it was very hard for me. I had not detached from my mother. If my mother said blue was the best color for a living room, I wanted to paint my walls blue. To heck with what my husband said. I remained homesick for my mother for many years. I have been successful in my life in many arenas. I know how to do that. But it hasn't been until the last 8 or 9 years that I have started to really grow up. I hooked my happiness way too much to others' happiness. If they were happy, I could be happy, but not until. I was always "helping" other people when they faced hard times. I have a lot of friends, and they would come to me with their problems. I would help "solve" them, cut to the chase. I was good at it. One time a good friend told me: You're always around when things are bad, but not so much when things are good. I was in so much denial and blindness about myself I thought that was a compliment. I had have a lot of therapy over the years. Marriage and individual. Therapy has helped me a lot. But it hasn't been as helpful as Al-Anon has, for me. In Al-Anon I have learned what it is to be a more complete person in my own right, and I have learned how to unhook from other people. This is not about love at all. I love my family intensely. And today, I can so much better accept them for who they are, which started with accepting myself for who I am. I am not perfect, and I make lots of mistakes. I used to not be able to be wrong. I couldn't stand to be wrong. If I was wrong (a lot of course) I would just change the situation so I wasn't wrong, with my words. I could not accept that I was wrong, because I thought that meant I was bad. We talked about all of these types of things in the Al-Anon meeting yesterday. This is the genesis of healing, for me. Being able to say honestly and openly that I am a work in progress. I am a human being who makes lots of mistakes, and I will continue to make lots of mistakes. That working on myself is a full time job, leaving me no time for part time jobs working on other people. It's truly none of my business. Now, Copa, this has been a long time coming, and early on, there were many ideas and principles shared in Al-Anon that I couldn't see or grasp. So, being who I am, I rejected them. I thought I knew better. But as I came to see that the way I had been doing things was not working at all, and I was willing to openly look at that (again, admitting I was wrong, a new concept for me), and being so so so sick and tired, I became willing to change-----over a long period of time, this happened, not quickly at all. In fact, the first "time" I was in Al-Anon, I went for 18 months regularly, but as soon as my husband and I separated and divorced due primarily to his alcoholism, I stopped going. I had kind of embraced the program, but not really, looking back. Fast forward to when my son's problems became so apparent and chaos and drama and awfulness all around, I knew right where to go---back to Al-Anon. I was ready this time. I was truly ready to change. This stuff is hard. This stuff requires the kind of honesty I never knew about, and that many people can't tolerate. It requires looking closely at ourselves, at our full makeup, at who we are, how we "operate" and what's behind all of that. Why do we do and say the things we do and say? What is this all about? Copa, I am so profoundly grateful today that something drove me into Al-Anon. It is a program for the millennium. It is the most wonderfully simple and simply wonderful concept(s) I have ever heard of. There are so many layers to it, and we "get it when we get it." We can't get all of it at once, there is no way to do that. We get it in God's time, not our time. You sound a lot like me. It is simply the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, to let my son go. And Copa, I sure have not done that perfectly at all. I have had many fits and starts, and one step forward and three backward, and there were times I could barely function, with the grief, pain, fear, confusion, desperate love...most of all the fear...that consumed me about him. We do so many things out of fear. Today, I am still very much a work in progress. I make lots of mistakes and I always will. Today, it is much easier for me to look at myself honestly, face myself, admit when I'm wrong and apologize. It's not fatal to make a mistake. We are here for you. Please...be gentle and kind with yourself. You are doing, and you have been doing, the very best you could do. We all are. There is no list of "shoulds" here. We try to share our experience, strength and hope, and then respect you---this is all about boundaries---and your decisions. You are the only one who knows the situation you're in. You can only do what you can live with. We understand that. We care, and we get it, and we are glad you're here. Warm hugs. Hang in there. [/QUOTE]
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