YES! Please, SWOT. Start us off. Because yes, we should be listing the things we would do again - the things we want our kids to pass down to our grandkids, the things that had a visible impact, the things that kept couples together, the things that kept the "other" kids sane...
If you could raise your kids again, what would you change?
- Thread starter BusynMember
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Lil
Well-Known Member
I think the whole reason I would have had more religion, is just to have had that experience. In church, he would have had Sunday school classes and met kids that were being raised differently. He would have better understood Jabber's very religious family. Parochial schools are generally more advanced - and he was very bright - and have smaller class sizes. Further, because there's a fee...(and I feel like a terrible person for saying this and I totally don't mean to imply that "rich kids" are better than "poor kids", but)...he would have been guaranteed to have had a different group of friends because the ones he hung out with could not have afforded it.
Then again, he's more than once described the kids from our local Catholic high school as drunks and druggies and the girls as "easy" (only more crudely). So maybe he'd have been worse. But the local Lutheran school is tiny - his cousin's class had like 12 kids. Not sure if they let non-Lutheran's in.
I like this. I tend to concentrate way too much on the negative these days.
But, I'm sure you all couldn't' tell that. lol
Estherfromjerusalem
Well-Known Member
Copa, thank you so much for your response to what I wrote. I often feel I want to write about my own upbringing and my own background here, but somehow feel hesitant. I don't know what got into me to write what I did, but I feel OK with it now.
Love, Esther
Love, Esther
Estherfromjerusalem
Well-Known Member
Oh and Copa, by the way, what you wrote about them not talking about what happened to relatives -- that is shared by so many of our generation. My parents didn't talk about it ever when we were young. I was born into a family with no grandparents, and I thought that was the norm. I thought that people who had grandparents were the exception, because most of my parents' friends were refugees like themselves who had escaped, leaving their parents behind. I only discovered what had happened to my grandparents when I was about 20, and then I confronted my parents with that information and there was quite a hysterical emotional scene, my mother cried, it was awful. The whole subject is opened up now in society in general because our children (their grandchildren) ask questions and the distance in time has made it easier for my parents' generation to open up to their grandchildren.
And on a more positive note (although on the same subject): when my first grandchild, a girl, was born, we took a photo of the four of us -- my mother, myself, my daughter and my granddaughter -- and I just adore that photo. We had become a four-generation family. That was just AMAZING. I get tears in my eyes just remembering how I feel when I see that photo.
Today my mother is no longer with us. But that granddaughter is married and has two children, so we are still a four-generation family -- and "quelle horreur!" I am the matriarch, the old old lady, the great grandmother!!!
My difficult child is only two years older than my oldest granddaughter! Ha ha!
Love, Esther
And on a more positive note (although on the same subject): when my first grandchild, a girl, was born, we took a photo of the four of us -- my mother, myself, my daughter and my granddaughter -- and I just adore that photo. We had become a four-generation family. That was just AMAZING. I get tears in my eyes just remembering how I feel when I see that photo.
Today my mother is no longer with us. But that granddaughter is married and has two children, so we are still a four-generation family -- and "quelle horreur!" I am the matriarch, the old old lady, the great grandmother!!!
My difficult child is only two years older than my oldest granddaughter! Ha ha!
Love, Esther
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi Esther
I never ever heard my mother or grandparents utter one word of regret, sadness about what would come to be to our people left behind. Until my mother died 2 and a half years ago, not a word, and not a word from my grandparents. Silence.
It has been a really important thing to me to be with my grandparents, mother as they died. Until this moment I never realized that this sense of responsibility is something so utterly important and determined by what has gone before. I have such a longing for my people, Esther. When I see you post, your name, the same as my mother's I feel such a sense of utter loss and longing and love. There are really not words for it. And until right now, did not know why.
What wonderful and precious gifts, Esther
I will try to feel myself to be "the old old lady, the great grandmother," too. It will be a way to cherish myself. I am having a hard time because just last week I went back to work. After 3 and a half years away. First to take care of my mother, and then to mourn her and to mourn my life, it seems. Now I understand better the mountain of suffering I had to grieve, that I had been carrying.
I feel so vulnerable at work. Like I am a walking wound without defense. Maybe if I begin to think of myself with the dignity of an elder, and even an elder of my people (my people!!!) I will feel stronger, less a target.
Thank you Esther, for writing. To us and to me.
Thank you.
Love, Copa
My mother was this generation that you talk about because here the first loss was when the children immigrated to America around 1910 or so. My mother's generation and yours would be the same.
I never ever heard my mother or grandparents utter one word of regret, sadness about what would come to be to our people left behind. Until my mother died 2 and a half years ago, not a word, and not a word from my grandparents. Silence.
It has been a really important thing to me to be with my grandparents, mother as they died. Until this moment I never realized that this sense of responsibility is something so utterly important and determined by what has gone before. I have such a longing for my people, Esther. When I see you post, your name, the same as my mother's I feel such a sense of utter loss and longing and love. There are really not words for it. And until right now, did not know why.
What wonderful and precious gifts, Esther
I became a mother quite late, and my son is my difficult child. I do not know if there will ever be grandchildren. While my son does not share my genetic heritage, he is so much the child of my maternal grandparents, the best of them. He is sweet and kind and vulnerable. Quirky and opinionated and sensitive. Oh how I miss them. And my mother, Esther.
I will try to feel myself to be "the old old lady, the great grandmother," too. It will be a way to cherish myself. I am having a hard time because just last week I went back to work. After 3 and a half years away. First to take care of my mother, and then to mourn her and to mourn my life, it seems. Now I understand better the mountain of suffering I had to grieve, that I had been carrying.
I feel so vulnerable at work. Like I am a walking wound without defense. Maybe if I begin to think of myself with the dignity of an elder, and even an elder of my people (my people!!!) I will feel stronger, less a target.
Thank you Esther, for writing. To us and to me.
Thank you.
Love, Copa
How frustrating that must have been, Esther. We have a nephew who had this condition. I'm assuming it cleared up when our nephew went to high school. They didn't consult a GI doctor either.
Estherfromjerusalem
Well-Known Member
In a daze -- thank you for relating to what I wrote about the encopresis. That -- and the ensuing problems related to it -- is what initially brought me to this site about 20 years ago, I'm not sure any more how long ago, but my difficult child is going to be 30 in September, and I think he was about 10 when I joined here. He had encopresis from the age of four and a half (until then he was clean and dry, and a model happy child) until 13 and a half, and those were nine years of absolute h e l l. I know that there are quite a few parents here who have gone through the same, and it is really dreadful. It ruins the child's life. It's that simple. In the end it just disappeared, at puberty, which is apparently what happens with most children.
Copa, you made me cry just now reading your response. I feel the emotions you express, and empathise. I was lucky that I didn't have to take care of my mother. She died, unexpectedly, at home. She wasn't really ill, and she just got up one morning and dropped dead on her way to the bathroom. Just like that. It was of course a great shock, but she was 80 years old which is not a bad age, and for some reason we three sisters took it very calmly, we just "went with the flow." After all, it is the normal order of things that children should bury their parents, and not the other way round. And of course I was so busy with my huge family that I just had to get on with my life. It is now 20 years since she died. These days I more often feel I would like to tell her things, show her things, especially the growing family. In particular, to show her that difficult child no longer has encopresis, and is somehow making a decent life for himself.
Copa -- good luck at work.
Love, Esther
Copa, you made me cry just now reading your response. I feel the emotions you express, and empathise. I was lucky that I didn't have to take care of my mother. She died, unexpectedly, at home. She wasn't really ill, and she just got up one morning and dropped dead on her way to the bathroom. Just like that. It was of course a great shock, but she was 80 years old which is not a bad age, and for some reason we three sisters took it very calmly, we just "went with the flow." After all, it is the normal order of things that children should bury their parents, and not the other way round. And of course I was so busy with my huge family that I just had to get on with my life. It is now 20 years since she died. These days I more often feel I would like to tell her things, show her things, especially the growing family. In particular, to show her that difficult child no longer has encopresis, and is somehow making a decent life for himself.
Copa -- good luck at work.
Love, Esther
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Me, too. When I finished last week, my first back to work, I was going to call her and tell her. She would have understood more than anybody alive (though dead, ironically) what I was up against and what it had been to return, what it took from me, and what was asked.
I am going to google survivor's guilt. I want to see if anxiety and self-blame are part of it. I know that self-blame is, but I never thought before that the anxiety and vulnerability I feel could be part of survivor's guilt. Like a sitting duck. Well, as I type it, it makes sense. If I could understand what I feel from that lens, survivors guilt--it would take away some of the stigma and shame. I work in prisons, Esther.
That, too, I never understood. For somebody as sensitive as I, to seek out such a cruel place.
Esther, it is bedtime or after where you are. I feel you are so close. Good night. Thank you again. Esther. From just your one post, how much I am learning about myself. Thank you.
Love, Copa
TheWalrus
I Am The Walrus
I would have put her in therapy. Maybe not after I divorced her dad, but definitely after he abandoned her, made promises he never kept, and continually broke her heart.
I would not have let her push me away. I would have hugged her anyway, kissed her anyway, invaded her space anyway. I wouldn't have chalked it all up to a "typical teenager" who distances herself from her parents.
I would not have been so reactive when she pushed my buttons, which she did and still does like a puppet master. I wish I'd had the calm, no-reaction I have now. Live and learn.
I wouldn't have pushed her so hard, but I would have invaded her space more, paid closer attention to her friends, her interests, her ideas.
I would not have let her push me away. I would have hugged her anyway, kissed her anyway, invaded her space anyway. I wouldn't have chalked it all up to a "typical teenager" who distances herself from her parents.
I would not have been so reactive when she pushed my buttons, which she did and still does like a puppet master. I wish I'd had the calm, no-reaction I have now. Live and learn.
I wouldn't have pushed her so hard, but I would have invaded her space more, paid closer attention to her friends, her interests, her ideas.
PonyGirl65
Active Member
I just shared this with my son the other day: The only real regret I have is not walking up to his Little League Coach and punching him dead in the face.
I know it's not logical, but I blame that guy for the beginning of the downward spiral that ensued.
Previous Coach had made my son a Catcher. He excelled at it! He was wonderful! Next year Coach was a complete tool. Put his own sons in, one as pitcher, one as catcher.
They were miserable cusses, the whole family. Looked down their noses. Ridiculed. Encouraged others to ridicule.
If I could back in time, I would punch that guy in the face. Repeatedly.
I know it's not logical, but I blame that guy for the beginning of the downward spiral that ensued.
Previous Coach had made my son a Catcher. He excelled at it! He was wonderful! Next year Coach was a complete tool. Put his own sons in, one as pitcher, one as catcher.
They were miserable cusses, the whole family. Looked down their noses. Ridiculed. Encouraged others to ridicule.
If I could back in time, I would punch that guy in the face. Repeatedly.
Our son missed out a lot because folks couldn't deal with his adopted younger sister, so we just didn't do many things. I wish I handled that better/differently.
Similarly, I wish we were at least a little more socially active and also traveled more with the children. Largely due to his sister, we kept our social circle rather small. I'm not sure how we would have done it differently, but I think with effort and creativity, we could have branched out at least a little more.
Our son was unusually good in a particular sport. Big time. One day in HS he just stopped playing. It was weird. Hubby suggested I get him to see a psychologist...maybe a sports psychologist. I didn't. I regret that...big time.
Overall, I actually think we did a very good job with an extraordinarily difficult situation. Hubby and I went to counseling on and off because we would sometimes butt heads on how to discipline our Difficult Child. (Hubby and I actually get along very well...he is a very wonderful man). Anyway, one day she (counselor) said "Dear Lord, you two have been in crisis mode going on twenty years now!" WTH?
We, for the most part, have inched our way out of it, but it has been a long, difficult road. I'm grateful and happy for movement going forward!!!
Similarly, I wish we were at least a little more socially active and also traveled more with the children. Largely due to his sister, we kept our social circle rather small. I'm not sure how we would have done it differently, but I think with effort and creativity, we could have branched out at least a little more.
Our son was unusually good in a particular sport. Big time. One day in HS he just stopped playing. It was weird. Hubby suggested I get him to see a psychologist...maybe a sports psychologist. I didn't. I regret that...big time.
Overall, I actually think we did a very good job with an extraordinarily difficult situation. Hubby and I went to counseling on and off because we would sometimes butt heads on how to discipline our Difficult Child. (Hubby and I actually get along very well...he is a very wonderful man). Anyway, one day she (counselor) said "Dear Lord, you two have been in crisis mode going on twenty years now!" WTH?
We, for the most part, have inched our way out of it, but it has been a long, difficult road. I'm grateful and happy for movement going forward!!!
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Pink Elephant
Well-Known Member
I would taken more time for myself, and that doesn't go to say my children would have suffered in any way, just that I would have embraced me a little more than I did.
Problem with me is, for my entire life I have always had a tendency to put everyone else's needs and wants ahead of my own, and it just shouldn't be that way.
Problem with me is, for my entire life I have always had a tendency to put everyone else's needs and wants ahead of my own, and it just shouldn't be that way.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
No. It shouldn't.
If I could do it over again I would insist my son be more orderly in his habits, and more responsible with follow-through. Each of these deficiencies has cost him a lot.
My son was disorganized. Always. I was a single Mom and I worked. I looked the other way with the chaos. If I had not so much looked away, maybe he would have acquired better habits.
Pink Elephant
Well-Known Member
I was strict with my children when they were younger in relation to them cleaning up after themselves and keeping their rooms organized, and I don't regret it. I definitely feel it made them more well-rounded (if I may use that term).
I was lucky in that I was always at home, so I was always able to assert direction and consequences. I'm so grateful for being fortunate enough to have been able to be a stay-at-home mom. In retrospect, I'd do it again.
Albatross
Well-Known Member
I think this too about my son sometimes. But maybe he would have been even worse.
Maybe if you had stayed on top of him more and he remained disorganized, you would be saying, "If I had not been so strict, maybe he would not have rebelled so much and would have acquired better habits."
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Albatross. You are talking here about wishing (we) had insisted our kids be more orderly and disciplined, pointing out the mother-blame of it:
I actually had a child psychiatrist tell me that it had been better to not hold my son's feet to the fire.
So there.
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Albatross
Well-Known Member
OK, you win
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hold their feet to the fire, or insist they be more orderly and disciplined, Teriobe?
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Im not sure. All kids respond differently to different parenting and some /many do not accet ehat we try to teach him. And some do with very little parenting...they just seem to want to do well. Ive treated my kids basically the same with different results. I do think it helped not to give them thongs for free...about it.
