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If you have personality disorders in your family, including difficult child...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 628820" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It has. And it is good to see and be so angry about that betrayal. <em>But you can see it now, Pam. And you will never, ever unsee how weirdly, pointlessly, stupidly, painfully dysfunctional your family of origin seems to have been.</em></p><p></p><p>You win, MWM.</p><p></p><p>This part pretty much sucks. It seems like the anger, the betrayal as you realize the layers of what they've done, and of how that affected your life, will never end.</p><p></p><p>But it does end, Pam.</p><p></p><p>And when it does, you will be your own in a way you never even imagined existed.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I may not be hearing this just right, MWM. But it sounds like you might be turning this in on yourself, feeling foolish for not having seen it sooner.</p><p></p><p>That is a normal part of healing, to feel that way. That, this feeling, is the cost of the clarity you have not let yourself see until now.</p><p></p><p>This feeling will pass, MWM.</p><p></p><p>When it does, if your process is anything like mine has been, you will feel tired, open, free.</p><p></p><p>And then, it all begins again, as you go deeper and deeper. But, because you have freed yourself as you went through those upper layers, you are stronger, you are strong enough, to incorporate the deeper layers, and free yourself.</p><p></p><p>At the end, MWM, the prize IS ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Free.</p><p></p><p>Something we don't even know the taste of, now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is an alternate reality, MWM. Every single thing is different than you knew it to be. THAT IS WHY EVERYTHING SEEMED SO CRAZY WITH YOUR FAMILY. AND MINE.</p><p></p><p>Because literally...it was crazy, MWM.</p><p></p><p>There was no sense to be made of it.</p><p></p><p>That's why you couldn't figure it out.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Pam? You no longer need to explain yourself to your sister. Do you have someone there (for me, it's my long suffering husband) who can listen to what you need to say to your sister?</p><p></p><p>Edit and post it here, if you like. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It takes time, but at the same time, it feels like you are whooshing through something so fast you cannot see what it is.</p><p></p><p>Those emotions that are so bothering you now are freed energy. YOUR energy, MWM. That curiosity, that inability to let go and stop thinking about it is what will blast you through and set you free.</p><p></p><p>You never were who they told you you were, MWM.</p><p></p><p>When I was in this part? I didn't know who I was, anymore. I felt so different. It was scary. I wondered whether I was going to feel mean forever.</p><p></p><p>I thought maybe I'd changed in all the wrong ways. How else could I be thinking this way about my own family?!? I was like, "Can't you think of anything good? What in the world is the matter with me?"</p><p></p><p>And do you know Pam that the more I thought of things that I could remember that were good?</p><p></p><p>The more bad things showed up.</p><p></p><p>It was mind blowing.</p><p></p><p>But here I am, and I still seem to be myself, so there you go.</p><p></p><p>I haven't changed so much as to be unrecognizable Pam? But I've definitely changed enough that people are responding to me differently.</p><p></p><p>Finally, I am hardly thinking of my family of origin, other than to wish they cared more for me than they do. COM posted once about a sister who was not careful with her.</p><p></p><p>I feel like that, too.</p><p></p><p>My family is not careful with me, is not tender or honorable or even honest, with me.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 628820, member: 17461"] It has. And it is good to see and be so angry about that betrayal. [I]But you can see it now, Pam. And you will never, ever unsee how weirdly, pointlessly, stupidly, painfully dysfunctional your family of origin seems to have been.[/I] You win, MWM. This part pretty much sucks. It seems like the anger, the betrayal as you realize the layers of what they've done, and of how that affected your life, will never end. But it does end, Pam. And when it does, you will be your own in a way you never even imagined existed. I may not be hearing this just right, MWM. But it sounds like you might be turning this in on yourself, feeling foolish for not having seen it sooner. That is a normal part of healing, to feel that way. That, this feeling, is the cost of the clarity you have not let yourself see until now. This feeling will pass, MWM. When it does, if your process is anything like mine has been, you will feel tired, open, free. And then, it all begins again, as you go deeper and deeper. But, because you have freed yourself as you went through those upper layers, you are stronger, you are strong enough, to incorporate the deeper layers, and free yourself. At the end, MWM, the prize IS ourselves. Free. Something we don't even know the taste of, now. It is an alternate reality, MWM. Every single thing is different than you knew it to be. THAT IS WHY EVERYTHING SEEMED SO CRAZY WITH YOUR FAMILY. AND MINE. Because literally...it was crazy, MWM. There was no sense to be made of it. That's why you couldn't figure it out. Pam? You no longer need to explain yourself to your sister. Do you have someone there (for me, it's my long suffering husband) who can listen to what you need to say to your sister? Edit and post it here, if you like. It takes time, but at the same time, it feels like you are whooshing through something so fast you cannot see what it is. Those emotions that are so bothering you now are freed energy. YOUR energy, MWM. That curiosity, that inability to let go and stop thinking about it is what will blast you through and set you free. You never were who they told you you were, MWM. When I was in this part? I didn't know who I was, anymore. I felt so different. It was scary. I wondered whether I was going to feel mean forever. I thought maybe I'd changed in all the wrong ways. How else could I be thinking this way about my own family?!? I was like, "Can't you think of anything good? What in the world is the matter with me?" And do you know Pam that the more I thought of things that I could remember that were good? The more bad things showed up. It was mind blowing. But here I am, and I still seem to be myself, so there you go. I haven't changed so much as to be unrecognizable Pam? But I've definitely changed enough that people are responding to me differently. Finally, I am hardly thinking of my family of origin, other than to wish they cared more for me than they do. COM posted once about a sister who was not careful with her. I feel like that, too. My family is not careful with me, is not tender or honorable or even honest, with me. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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