I'm…so…mad. My inner mama bear is screaming to be released.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Methuselah, Nov 23, 2011.

  1. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    In the mail, we received a letter from the high school regarding difficult child 1. She is being recognized by the school for her "effort, helpfulness to others, class preparation, school spirit and involvement, and overall citizenship recognizing the expectations of the XXHS community."

    I should be thrilled. It is an honor to receive such a prestigious award. But I am not. I am ******.

    Effort and classroom preparation: My difficult child 1 has incredible grades this year, because SHE HAS NOTHING ELSE TO DO BUT STUDY. Nothing. We have taken every privilege away hoping she would comply with our rules and out forth some common decency towards her family. Her grades should be exceptional!

    And "helpfulness to others"? She helps others and behaves well simply to behave badly when the person's back is turned! When she was expelled and thrown in jail school in her freshman year, she didn't learn "sex, drugs and alcohol on campus prohibited." She learned: if the teachers and administration think you're not the kind of person to indulge in delinquent behaviors, you can get away with all kinds of stuff, because they will look at the kids who they think will cause the problems. When I checked her out of jail school, they actually patted her on the shoulder and told her she wouldn't be back. Within the first week back at her home high school, she was dropping X and letting random guys feel her up. :-/ Yes, her grades went up, but not because she has academic aspirations. It's a ruse to get them to look the other way.

    School spirit and involvement: What school spirit and involvement? She can't attend any school functions! The priveledge has been taken away from her.

    Overall citizenship recognizing community expectations: God help us all if she is what the school wants other students to aspire to!

    Why I am mama bear mad is for my other kids. difficult child 1 has made our home a living nightmare. I can't describe the tension and stress that permeates our home 24/7. Giving difficult child 1 this award is giving her an award for treating our family like koi 24/7/365. The consequences in her life for bad behaviors have allowed her to achieve academically. It is an insult to all the other recipients who have made personal sacrifices to acheive their grades if they give the award to her. They have personally chosen to give up sleep, video games, TV, a social life, etc. to ensure they will do their best. Not difficult child 1. She has nothing else to do!

    My husband and I have requested a meeting to ask that the award not be given to her. The anguish it will cause my other kids already breaks my heart. :-(
  2. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Wow. She really has them all snowballed doesn't she?

    Before I got the the end of your post I was thinking "I'd just tell them she can't HAVE the award".

  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Yeah... I know. Too well.

    The meeting is a good idea!
  4. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Chaos, that's what we plan to do. Yes, she does have them snowed. When you don't feel guilt, remorse or shame, it is very easy to come across as innocent and good. :-/
  5. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Step, the meeting will probably be a mess. Her VP at school arrogantly believes she knows a kid better than their parents. She judges books by their covers. She sees a pretty cover, with sweet copy and good reviews and thinks the book is good. We tell her we have read and reread that book for 13 years, and we know the cover doesn't belong on that book. It is a facade to get you to buy the book. She will arrogantly ignore us. But not this time. I'm too angry.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Scary to think they are going to reward such manipulative behavior. I think of some of the others here, do you think they will just say you are refusing to see the positives? We here know what you mean...but I think they just might not get it. They might go along with your request, afterall you are the parents. But, they could end up being part of a huge triangulation between you and difficult child and the school. I would be just a little concerned that no one feels sorry for her if you do this, and then goes on and on and on giving the poor girl with the mean parents lots of attention.

    that is something people who dont know how to work with kids who have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) do too. They buy into the poor me stuff, and the superficially charming stuff (then at home being ugly). It can do so much extra damage.

    I hope it doesn't happen that way, just popped into my head. If they are this clueless to begin with, then I wondered. Maybe you can handle it internally... say sorry, we just can't make the ceremony (if there is one) and explain in private to difficult child that the award is going to be put away for her for when she really does earn it and you will be proud of her when that time comes. (does she know about it?--if not maybe then you can just ignore it after telling the school you can't make it but will pick it up for her so they dont give it to her) (a snarky part of me would want to give it to her sibs, ...but that is just mean, sorry, I know it is not a revenge thing, she just is not in that place and it would not be good for her to get this)
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Wow- ok- hold on- I see your point but am reminded of something my son's psychiatrist told me once- I won't word it right because I simply am just not good at that. But it had something to do with not taking away something just to punish a kid if it's something you would otherwise be fussing at them to earn. This might not be the popular opinion and i understand if you balk at it, but I think keeping up what you are doing at home as long as she's being disrespectful at home is completely appropriate, but if you talk to the sd and have them withold this reward, it could backfire on you. That doesn't mean that I don't understand your frustration over it all.
  8. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    We have evidence to prove her behavior at school in her own handwriting, so it is hard to dispute it. Fortunately, her assigned guidance counselor at school has worked with kids like difficult child 1 before, so she has an idea of what we are talking about. I know we come across as angry parents, because we are. :-/ As you know, this isn't unusual with parents of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and CD kids. I don't want her awarded at all, because no matter what it will still be on her transcript. To me, if she is given the award, it will rewarding her for noncompliance, disrespect, hatefulness, etc. And when my other kids find out, especially Screamo and Slugger? Ugh. The hurt will be splattered everywhere.
  9. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Klmno, except she didn't "earn" it. She didn't make sacrifices. She was bored and had NOTHING else to do. It would be like giving a citizenship award to someone who donated $1 million dollars for a park only to find out the money was stolen from a hospice center. Yes, the awarded deed is good, but the means to do it was illegal. Does that make sense? How she earned the award wasn't honorable. She had to koi over our family hard to do it.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Yes, for sure, I agree with you! And I have tried to advocate for a few adoptive parents when I was working before, to help the social worker/psychiatric understand that this is what comes from having an abusive child in your home... not the other way around in this case! People just dont get it usually. Great you do have someone there who does and evidence! That is priceless for sure.

    I didn't realize it was in her transcript. The whole thing is amazing. Maybe they should change their policy in terms of awards. Call parents and ask permission to do so in the first place. Especially for special needs kids. They are probably thinking very simplistically...reward good behavior and it will increase. DUH, these kids are so beyond that.

    If they refuse? Can you be very direct with screamo and slugger? let them know that the school made a mistake and they just dont get it??? ugg that would make me mad too.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Damn I hate schools. They are simply places that dont do well with kids who dont fit in their nice round holes. If you are a square peg, they simply cannot adapt. Talk about not being able to transition well or think outside the box.

    I understand your frustration so well.

    In second grade Cory worked his behind off to make the honor roll one marking period. I cant remember if it was the semester or the quarter. Too long ago. At this school they put gold and silver stars up on the bulletin board up by the office with the kids names on the stars. Gold stars were for all A's and Silver stars were for A's and B's. Cory got his report card and he had 4 A's and 1 B on it. He was thrilled. He just knew that his name was going to be on that silver star along with Jamie's. I was there at school that day so I could see it. We looked. We didnt find it. He was so upset. We went into the office to find out where his name and star were, there had to be a mistake. Oh...he didnt make the honor roll because he had a N for Conduct and a N for handwriting. I went ballistic. He was in a corner crying his eyes out. N for needs improvement. Now his wrist was in a cast for 8 weeks of that grading period. Of course his handwriting wasnt up to par, what did they expect? The cast wrapped around his hand and thumb. And as far as his conduct being a N? Needing improvement...didnt everyones conduct need improvement at age 7? My conduct needed improvement that day because I flung the phone off that desk that day! I made them get a star and put his name on it.
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Janet, that story makes me shake. Even though it was a long time ago it makes me so upset. Q asked every year why he never got picked for student of the month. The first time I explained was the first time he asked if they knew God made him that way.
  13. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Janet, wow. I would have been ballistic, too! It's those kind of things that tick me off. You're kid works and works to do the right thing for the right reasons, and he gets sand kicked in his face .

    The high school my kids attend is ALL about the grades. They scream loud and proud about how 34 students were National Merit Semi-Finalists to cover up the school's massive drug problem. It is all about grades and not character. :-/