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I'm a failure
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 705567" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>Not a failure. Far from it. </p><p></p><p>Lucy, If you wrote the above statement and inserted "husband" for "son" and "child", and "wife" for "mother", would you expect that person to stay in her relationship? Just because you gave birth to the person abusing you, doesn't mean it isn't abuse. Like you can love a man and not be "in love" with them, you can love your child but not like them even one little bit. As wiser women than me have said to you...your numbness isn't coldness - it's a psychological response - to years of abuse by this young man and it's not abnormal or wrong. It's a coping mechanism to protect you from more pain.</p><p></p><p>My son is my only child too. He's 21. Our problems have not been as severe as yours...but yesterday I basically threw money at him until he went away. He is manipulative and lies and whether he was in need or playing us, I don't know. But our choices were, have him come home (he's two states away and homeless) or give him money and keep him out. We didn't want him home. What kind of mother would rather her son be homeless in the winter in the mountains than home? Granted, we had a 3rd choice of cutting off all contact...but we're not there yet. I think though, if my son were violent and threatening and calling me names - he's never done that at all - I'd be there...I think I'd be ready to cut all ties. </p><p></p><p>I think you still love your son. I think your feelings are being masked by trauma. </p><p></p><p>As others have said, counseling is so very helpful. If your son is still in the home after this last incident, I think you need to get him out. It won't necessarily be easy, especially if your husband is resistant. Is HE willing to put your son out? You may have to do a legal eviction, if your son knows he has rights. You may be able to just tell him to go and have him do it. But it sounds like you have grounds to put him out with a restraining order - an order of adult abuse and protection it's called in some places. None of it is pleasant. But it sounds necessary.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry you had to find us I understand the self-blame...as do we all. How I wish I'd realized my son's behavior was not a "phase" when he was young and put him in counseling. How I wish I'd done things differently. These are normal feelings, but please - remember - You are not failure. This is not your fault. He's a grown man with choices.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 705567, member: 17309"] Not a failure. Far from it. Lucy, If you wrote the above statement and inserted "husband" for "son" and "child", and "wife" for "mother", would you expect that person to stay in her relationship? Just because you gave birth to the person abusing you, doesn't mean it isn't abuse. Like you can love a man and not be "in love" with them, you can love your child but not like them even one little bit. As wiser women than me have said to you...your numbness isn't coldness - it's a psychological response - to years of abuse by this young man and it's not abnormal or wrong. It's a coping mechanism to protect you from more pain. My son is my only child too. He's 21. Our problems have not been as severe as yours...but yesterday I basically threw money at him until he went away. He is manipulative and lies and whether he was in need or playing us, I don't know. But our choices were, have him come home (he's two states away and homeless) or give him money and keep him out. We didn't want him home. What kind of mother would rather her son be homeless in the winter in the mountains than home? Granted, we had a 3rd choice of cutting off all contact...but we're not there yet. I think though, if my son were violent and threatening and calling me names - he's never done that at all - I'd be there...I think I'd be ready to cut all ties. I think you still love your son. I think your feelings are being masked by trauma. As others have said, counseling is so very helpful. If your son is still in the home after this last incident, I think you need to get him out. It won't necessarily be easy, especially if your husband is resistant. Is HE willing to put your son out? You may have to do a legal eviction, if your son knows he has rights. You may be able to just tell him to go and have him do it. But it sounds like you have grounds to put him out with a restraining order - an order of adult abuse and protection it's called in some places. None of it is pleasant. But it sounds necessary. I'm so sorry you had to find us I understand the self-blame...as do we all. How I wish I'd realized my son's behavior was not a "phase" when he was young and put him in counseling. How I wish I'd done things differently. These are normal feelings, but please - remember - You are not failure. This is not your fault. He's a grown man with choices. [/QUOTE]
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