I'm a hypocrite

[flutterbee]

difficult child's eye hurts. The world is going to end.

She won't let me look at it then yells at me that I *won't* look at it. Tell her not to rub it. She rubs it constantly. Put in some natural tears. You would have thought I was torturing her - before I even got any in, and all I managed was one drop. "It's not fair. Everything bad always happens to me." Because of course no one EVER in the history of mankind has had it as bad as she does.

Then she tells me that it's white on the edge on and underneath her upper lid - that I would have known except that I won't look at it. Told her that sounded like a stye. What's a stye? So, I looked it up on medicinenet.com or something. And I'm reading it to her. "IT'S NOT ON THE OUTSIDE!!!" I pause and keep reading "....it can also be underneath the eyelid". "IT'S NOT RED, THERE'S A WHITE THING!!!" Your entire eye is red. "IT CAN'T JUST HAPPEN IN A SECOND! THIS HAPPENED IN JUST A SECOND!!!" It's an infection. It was sitting there brewing and all of a sudden it let itself be known.

"IT'S NOT A STYE! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME! YOU NEVER BELIEVE ME!"

"Use warm compresses..." "WHAT'S THAT?" Get a washcloth hot and hold it over your eye. "THAT'S NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING. IT'S UNDER MY EYELID!!!"

Fine. Be miserable. I'm trying to help and you're yelling at me and being nasty. "YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU NEVER BELIEVE ME!"

Enough. Go to your room; just get away from me right now. "No." difficult child, go to your room. "Why?" Because I said so. Because I am trying to help you and all you are doing is yelling at me.

She just sits there. difficult child, go to your room or I am taking everything out of it. She just sits there. Fine.

I take her computer, her guitar and the power strip to her tv/dvr/dvd player. And I walk away from her. She goes back to her room.

A few minutes later, she comes back. "I thought you were going to take everything out of my room?" What more would you like for me to take, difficult child? "What my guitar and computer is everything?" Try to turn on your tv. "So, what you unplugged it?" You'll figure it out.

"It's not fair. Parents threaten and they shouldn't do that." I didn't threaten. I told you what would happen and it happened. "What, I'm not supposed to have a mind of my own?" Not when I tell you to do something. I'm the mom. You are the child. There is something called respect and yelling at me while I'm trying to help you is not showing respect. "You never show any respect for me either. You're a hypocrite."

That's when that calm came over me. Fine, difficult child. But, remember this. This "hypocrite" is the one that takes care of you, fights for you, does things for you. So, don't ask this hypocrite to take you to have your lipped pierced. Don't ask this hypocrite to do anything.

"YOU'RE SO MEAN TO ME! WHY IS EVERYONE SO MEAN TO ME???"

At that point, I laid down and took a nap and realized that I only have 4 years and one month til she's 18. I think I might survive that.

 

[susiestar]

Sounds like she is being a pill. Sorry she has a stye, but if she won't let you see it, or follow any suggestions about how to treat it, then she deserves to be miserable.

I think every kid calls their parent a hypocrite at some point. Drives my kids nuts when I agree and say, Thank you.

I think taking her things out of her room was totally appropriate. don't give in to her irrationality.

Sorry this is so hard.

 

[Janna]

Heather,
You know what I thought of as I was reading this? The movie Freaky Friday. Ever see it? It's with Lindsay Lohan, and she keeps screaming at her mom "you're ruining my life" LOL! You should watch that with Wynter. The gist of the movie is, the mom and daughter switch places (I think Lohan is playing a high schooler - maybe 16/17 y.o.?) and boy, is it not only hilarious, but very eye opening.
I'm sorry she's yelling at you like that. It sounds like you handled it with alot of grace. I'd have been popping a Xanex. It's so hard not to yell back when you're being disrespected.
Maybe next time you should slide the bed outta there LOL!

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Hey Heather,

sounds like little Miss Wynter was in her element! I hate to say it, but you may have to tell her that she could go blind unless you are sure about what is going on with her eye. Left untreated she could loose her sight.

I know it's drastic, but it could be a stye and it could be allergy nodules on the inside of the lid (both of which can be taken care of with otc stuff), you just never know. Either way, I think you need to "get your eyeballs on hers" and check it out.

Sharon

 

[DaisyFace]

Hi Heather--

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. Being the Mom, we are automatically wrong--so I guess if you are a "hypocrit" then you must be doing something right.

Sharon beat me to mentioning that even a little eye infection like a sty should not go untreated. My DS gets stys all the time, some more severe than others. Hot compresses usually do the trick, but if they don't, we go to the Dr for Rx eye drops.

And DS HATES having drops put in his eyes and really fights me on it.

Do you remember the episode of television show "Friends" where Rachel refused to put drops in her eyes? Finally, the eye dr told her it was no big deal...and when did she want to set up her next appointment? Rachel was relieved to hear the drops were "no big deal", until she learned that the 'next appointment' would be to fit her for a glass eye.

I pulled that bit on my son...

It worked, and now he takes the eye drops whenever he needs them.

You may have to let her know just how serious an eye infection can be. If she won't let you look at it, perhaps she will let an opthamologist take a look?

--DaisyF

 

[DazedandConfused]

Take her to the DR if she refuses to cooperate with treating it at home. I love the glass eye story!

I've never been outright called a hypocrite, but it's been insinuated.

Yeah, whatever.

Son does the "Why is everyone so mean to me?" constantly. I've given up trying to explain that he's being a grouchy little troll.

Daughter used to give me the "you're ruining my life" in her early teens. I just calmly responded, "Yeah, I know. Motherhood does have it's benefits".

 

[Wiped Out]

Ugh, don't you hate when you are trying to help and you get yelled at for it?

 

[TerryJ2]

At that point, I laid down and took a nap and realized that I only have 4 years and one month til she's 18. I think I might survive that.

This is my favorite part. I'm right there with you.
So sorry.

 

[flutterbee]

We talked today and it was rational. Her thinking is a bit skewed, but I really think it's more Aspie-like traits. That's my best guess, anyway.

I'll leave out the gory details because I'm just exhausted, but today is a much better day.

Re: her eye. I don't think it's a stye. I think she had something under her eyelid and it scratched her eye. It hurts to move in certain ways. We are going to the doctor tomorrow. Actually, we'll call the GP and find out if she wants to see her or if we should go to the ophthalmologist.

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Heather,

Here is my 2cents worth. I thik as parents we have to try and learn from every experience focusing also on our contribution to the conflict and how we can be more responsive to the hand we have been dealt. It is not easy and we need that rhino skin that can deflect the verbal and mental debris onslaught.
in my humble opinion I think you started out well by checking out the symptons on the internet, trying to share information with her in a neutral way despite her poor coping skills. I think we have to get passed the ' mental debris ' that is coming out of her mouth and just validate her feelings with I can appreciate you feeling this way , I am sure if my eye was iritating me I would feel very frustrated. I think the turning point was when you showed that her words were getting to you and you became judgmental and unsympathetic

'Fine. Be miserable. I'm trying to help and you're yelling at me and being nasty.'

So this puts one in a confrontation mode and you send her to her room , maybe you could have given yourself a time out , go have a rest, shower etc and say maybe if she wants you can call the doctor tomorrow or maybe she can call a friend, aunt etc to ask for advice.

So the power struggle begins over going to her room , she refuses to go to her room and you use ' power' and threaten her with removing her things and then you actually do it.

She says that threatening or using 'power' is not respectful , we would not like others to deal with us in this way even if we were out of line , so I would agree with her that parents including me sometimes respond to kids in a way that they would not with their friends , spouses etc . When we respond with 'power' we lose the moral ground in asking them to get their needs met in appropriate ways.

There is a time and place to deal with her response to her eye problem and your offer of help when she is calm and the relationship is friendly in a collaborative problem solving way.

I am glad the following day was better

Allan

 

[flutterbee]

Allan -

Let's just say I don't agree. She is the child, not a peer. Therefore, I do not treat her as I would a spouse or a friend.

 

[DaisyFace]

Allan -

Let's just say I don't agree. She is the child, not a peer. Therefore, I do not treat her as I would a spouse or a friend.

There was a comedian who did a wonderful bit on this--I'm sorry that I cannot recall his name--but he said that he cannot treat his child the way he would treat a friend, because if he caught the "friend" doing half the things the child has done--they wouldn't be friends in the first place!

"Think about it," he says "if you saw your friend take a dump on your carpet--first you'd yell 'Mike! What the He** are you doing!?!' and then you'd throw him out of your house and sue him for the carpet-cleaning bill. You just can't do that to a kid!" And this is so true....funny, but true.

So Heather, I agree with you...it is not a peer-peer relationship and it cannot be handled as one.

--DaisyF

 

[KTMom91]

This sounds familiar...years ago, Miss KT had a huge blister on her big toe. It was so sore that even the sheet touching it kept her from sleeping. Would she let me look at it? From a distance. Would she let me pop it? Oh, no...scream, cry, declarations of horrific torture and unparalleled abuse...

Much later that night, she let me look at it, and pop it. She felt much better. I remember thinking that she was in pain, and put the rest of us through he!! all day long, for something that I solved in less than a minute. What a waste of a day.

I feel your pain, Heather.

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Hi,

The point I was making is that when we understand a kid's perceptions , the way she sees the world , we have a better chance of connecting and helping them. We no longer live in a world where kids say ' We are not allowed to hit , but when we are older we can hit ' , kids and in my humble opinion rightfully so are saying ' Do not do unto others what you would not like done to you ' and this applies to children as well.

We might think differently , there is John Rosemund and there is Alfie Kohn , faber and Mazlish . What really matters is what our kids are thinking.


Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (1995) ask us to put ourselves in the place of a child who has been subjected to the punishment known euphemistically as time-out: “As an adult you can imagine how resentful and humiliated you would feel if someone forced you into isolation for something you said or did.” For a child, however, it is even worse, since she may come to believe “that there is something so wrong with her that she has to be removed from society.”

William Glasser - Control theory and reality therapy says that criticizing is a deadly parenting habit . So not only does it not help to say I am the parent and it is my job to criticize , kids don't buy into this talk and in any case they have a good case and support in parenting authorities.

Daisy face - I prefer to take my parenting cues from likes of Ross Greene, Alfie Kohn, william Glasser , Faber and Mazlish and not commedians.

What happens when a friend spills a drink on your tablecloth - don't worry , only an accident , there is a washing machine , when a kid does it - .....

Parenting here is not easy , it is walking on egg shells being very careful with language trying not to be judgmental , just describe , at most offer information. It is in my humble opinion all about teaching skills, helping our kids to learn to trust us that they see as a help. Sometimes a mentor , or older sister can do a better job than we do , I recommend mentors for our kids.
The best advice I was given was to talk to my kid like he was my neighbour's 25 yo son .
One of my favourite quotes - What children need more than love from their parents is respect. I know it is tough here , we need to wear the rhino skin all the time , but in my humble opinion talk - I am the parent , he is the child does not help very much. It gets in the way of us seeing our role and contribution to a conflict or the child's behavior and lemnds to a ' doing to' rather than a working with approach to kids. I am sure we know or agree that we can't really control the behavior of another human being , we can however influence them if we have a good relationship and they learn to trust us. Again - this is tough

Allan

 

[flutterbee]

Allan,

I respectfully disagree about talking to my almost 14 year old daughter as I would a 25 year old adult. There is a huge difference between the two. For one, if a 25 year old adult were talking to me that way in my home, they would be forced to leave my house - forcefully by police if necessary. If a kid spills a drink on my tablecloth, it would be the same response as you provided with an adult. You're comparing apples to oranges.

Part of parenting a child is setting boundaries on what is acceptable behavior and what is not. That starts at home. It is not acceptable to behave as she did. And knowing MY daughter as I do, there is no talking to her when she is like that. As the professionals have said her thinking brain and her emotional brain do not work at the same time. The only way to get her to the point where I can talk to her is to remove her from the situation so she can de-escalate. That said, I am not going to tolerate verbal abuse from anyone in my home - my child or anyone else. I didn't yell. I didn't raise my hand. But there are rules in my home, as well as in society. I would be doing her a huge disservice by not teaching her what is acceptable.

For what it's worth, the professionals who know my child and have worked with her agree with how I handle these things. I think I'll go with their advice rather than someone who has never met my child.

Every situation is not the same and every situation cannot be handled in the same manner.

Because I set boundaries and enforce them in no way implies I do not respect my child. I have an immense amount of respect for her opinions, feelings, wants and needs.