I'm a son who became criminal and wants to reconnect with parents. I need your help.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Zxc913, Feb 12, 2017.

  1. Zxc913

    Zxc913 New Member


    This is my first post here. I've been looking for a place where I could get the best advice suited for my situation and I stumbled across you guys.

    I lost touch with my parents last year after I got jailed (1 month). I cut them off because I thought it would be the best for them. Ever since I can remember, I was the black sheep in family and brought them nothing but misery and worries. This came as a shock for them and I have no idea what's been happening for the last half a year. I miss them, I want to do what's right.

    I'm 21 and was always involved in some kind of criminal activities: stealing, weed dealing, various frauds. My parents are good people, they certainly made some mistakes but they didn't bring me to this place. It was all my fault, just to be clear. They were so sad when they found out I'm in jail. I broke their hearts. They always wanted me to become a decent man and raised me as such, they think they failed as parents.

    They kept telling me how I'm going to work for a family friend and what-not after I get out. I'll be as direct as possible - I don't want to work 9-5. Judge me all you want, I can't say I didn't try. I tried college but was either too stupid or my ADHD got in the way, I failed the first year. Then I worked a whole spectrum of jobs and hated each and every one of them. In my country, you can't find a job that pays more than 600$ a month, that barely covers for rent. I got severe back problems which makes finding jobs even harder. The places I worked in were all the same - lousy salary, dickhead boss, insomnia caused by depression every night. It's no way to live a life. I hated living of my parent's backs when unemployed. I'm doing great now and I have intentions of making a legal private business in a few years.

    I like to think that I'm still a good person. I don't spend money on stupid things, I even donate great sums to charities. My parents didn't want to hear none of that, for them I'm just a criminal, someone who steals and poisons others for their own profit. Can't say that isn't true, but I still have my moral compass with me. They see weed as a drug, something that destroys lives.

    This is the place where we divide into two worlds. I want to keep them in my life but I'm not going to stop doing what I am doing now. I thought about coming back after a few years when I get my life in order. I'm not sure how they'd accept me. They'd knew how I built that business. I was depressed for the last decade of my young life and I can finally say I'm cured. I'm happy for the first time in my life, but something is missing...

    What should I do? Should I wait a few years?
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    First of all...I assume that your business is legal for where you live. Second, are you still under and probation restrictions? Third, are their cultural situations that makes them connecting with you more difficult?

    You are no longer being supported or financed bu them, right? Do they expect you to repay any financial help from the past? Are their other family members that you can reach out to, to help reconnect?

    If you were my son, I would need to see that you are on the right path. Not perfect, but becoming a responsible adult. Then maybe you could try to acknowledge your mistakes and not make excuses for them, take responsibility, own them, feel regret over what you did, just not being sorry about how it affected you.

    Maybe every couple of months, write them a letter and let them know you would like some type of contact and work towards reconciliation, on what ever terms they are comfortable with.

    Don't make demands. Then just keep working on your self...becoming emotionally healthy and spiritually healthy. If you didn't grow up in a home where that was important, try some organizations and see if you can find a group that you fit in.

    I am proud of you!

  3. Zxc913

    Zxc913 New Member

    I haven't opened my business yet, but I made serious plans and set my goals. I'm no longer on probation. Cultural situations? I don't know, they're pretty traditional, conservative christians. Our political and overall world views are very different. We're not very similar, compatible if you will. They have this black and white view of what's good and bad while I'm more of a utilitarian. In case you're wondering (I can't really say from the question), nobody knows what I'm actually doing besides them and some friends.

    They don't expect me to pay them anything back, in fact quite the opposite. I offered them financial help but they refused because of what I do. I have siblings but was never in good relations with them, I haven't heard from them in a long time. I realize what I'm doing is still wrong, but I don't see any other options. I don't want to be someone's slave and be unhappy ever again. School and all those environmental factors are the one I blame, but it's obviously my initiative after all.

    I think the idea of that "distant contact" is great for now. Thanks for the advice.
  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    If a family friend wants to hire you, please don't burn that bridge yet. I can understand why you would not want to work 9-5, but because of how hard it is to get a job when you have a record, I think I would give that job a go, for a while, at least.

    Is your new business going to be legal? I am assuming you are going into the marijuana business. Even in the states where it is legal, the auditors and IRS are going to be on you non-stop. What exactly is your business plan? Do you have any investors lined up or capital? If not, how are you going to obtain capital? You mentioned you have ADHD. Are you also very creative and how good are you at persuading people to work with you? You can't get anything done in business if you aren't a team player who can persuade people. It is hard to motivate others and persuade them
    without manipulation and playing the sympathy card. If you end up with more charges, attorneys may not be able to help you. Depending on how many times you have been arrested, even a really good attorney may not be able to help you.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He says he lives in another country. Id love to know which one.

    If you have very rigid parents, selling weed legally may still be illegal to them. In tbeir minds. Some people are unwilling to open thier minds. You know your family best.. Would it work?
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2017
  6. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    As a parent, if what you are doing is still illegal and can/may/will eventually lead to another arrest, I could not have part of it. I am assuming, like others, you deal marijuana. It would not be a moral thing for me - but I could not open myself up to anyone doing anything illegal, regardless of my personal feelings on it. However, if it is legal or you could make it a legal enterprise, for me it would be a nonissue as long as you were healthy, happy, self supporting, and non destructive to yourself or others.

    From your description, your parents are perhaps not so open minded. I agree with the long distance contact without demands. Nothing that is an attempt to buy their love nor demand or manipulate your way back in. For me, I am always looking for the manipulation, the gotcha, with my daughter when she comes back into my life.

    You don't give much history. Have you come in and out of their lives more than once? Have you struggled throughout while they tried to help you as you grew up? Have you betrayed their trust? All of those become factors once an estranged child comes back....that fear of replaying old hurtful scenarios and driving down dead end roads again. I am just letting you know what it is like from the other side, the parental side. So your overtures may not be welcomed or acknowledged at first. If not, don't be discouraged. If you are true in your intent to reconnect, don't give up. Broken trust takes a long time to rebuild. Continue to show your true intentions by continuing your attempts, regardless of how long it takes or how hurtful it feels if it isn't welcomed in the beginning. Give them whatever time they need to come to peace.
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Illegal activity is never going to be acceptable.
    If you don't like working 9-5, surely you can find jobs that have flexible or varied hours.
    Could you work some kind of job like that while you start your own legal business?
    As long as you are engaging in illegal activities, I would limit your association with your parents.
    Perhaps send a card for birthdays, friendly texts here and there and so forth. Limited, but polite and cordial.Even if you feel conflicted, it might be a kind thing to do.
    You sound intelligent and I hope you can redirect any unhealthy thoughts and/or activities...even consider counseling to help you as you plan your future.
  8. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    I'll cut to the chase....you are drug dealer, correct? Whatever you are selling is illegal and it has already lead to one arrest.

    Honestly, I am totally soft on weed. I think it should be legalized, however, as someone who has spent my entire life dealing with the criminal element that surrounds drugs, I wouldn't want you in my home or around me if you are involved with the criminal element. (please see my signature, I have a sister in prison for drug related offenses) I love my sister dearly, I will talk to her on the phone, I will write her letters in prison, but when she is out of jail/prison unless she is fully in recovery and away from that life she is not welcome around my home or my children.

    It isn't a moral judgement, she is sick, it is a matter of safety.

    Now this will be harsh, but grow up. No one wants to work a 9-5. There are billions of people on this planet that go to a crappy job every day and work for a butthole boss. It is part of being an adult an accepting responsibility for your life. There are many legal ways to improve your situation, but you have to work at it.

    If you are depressed get help. If you are addicted, get help.

    Your parents have drawn their line in the sand and stated their terms. You need to figure out what your priorities are.
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  9. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Okay what you seem to forget is that you are 21 you have no children to support or basically anyone that depends on you. You have the chance to really make money. Its clear that you are not from USA that offers you the opportunity to work abroad in a richer country where you will win far more and many of those opportunities there offer free housing.
    My own son did that and in a very short while got enough money to buy himself a small apartment removing the problem of the rent money giving him more room to save with a job in my country which also has few jobs more the 600$ and that if your lucky most are half that.
    So you do not want to work a 9-5 job which in my country most are 8-4 but whatever try to support them for as little as possible and for the more reward you can get. Consider this.
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  10. Overit

    Overit New Member

    When I was growing up my brother was 17 and I was 12 when he started to get into heavier drugs. He was still my idol and always loved and looked after me. He abused my mothers trust brought girls home, partied a lot, couldn't keep a job, and in the end his girlfriend smashed up our house while it was on the market to sell, ending in the fact that my mum didn't get the money she should have. Mum had enough and wanted to move away from the life we grew up with, which were a few violent fathers and stealing which had grown in our area. She kicked my brother out and in a matter of a couple of months he had a baby with his girlfriend on the way. I love my brother but his girlfriend led him away from the family to the point we had no contact with him for 6 years. This hurt me so much, my brother was the world and I couldn't understand why he rejected me also. He ended up losing all his ID then became what we said was an anon. He couldn't keep a job, couldn't get welfare so by this point he was a needle user started stealing to support himself. My mother and I searched always, worried he was alright. Eventually we made contact again, he was a pretty bad user by this stage but we wanted him back in our lives as our family unit was small and we had always just stuck together. At this stage he had left the girl he was with but he and his girlfriend had made a pact that we would never know their daughter. Its been 27years and I have finally contacted his daughter after one of my brothers girlfriends sisters gave me the link, as I had been searching for years to contact her. After gaol terms and bad drug and alcohol addiction, he finally started coming around. He got off the drugs got a job which he is now the supervisor of his workshop, married a new girl had 2 boys which are now 20 and 17 bought a house, car, boat, everything he had wished for. We are back together which I am so happy for although I am 45 now and he is 50, so many years lost. I am so very proud to see the man he has become, I do still idolise him, he was my everything when life at home when we where kids was tough. He still seems to have a bit of a grudge on mum from all those years ago but we are now always welcome in each others lives. At some point in your life what you are doing now will not seem as important and you will move on and realise there is a whole world out there just waiting for you, but when you are ready to make that change. At this point people will easily see you have taken your own path and responsibilities and most probably will reach out for you to come back into their lives. As you can see what I have written this may take time depending how let down your parents feel. Stay In contact but heal yourself at the same time
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  11. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    hi. I have no advice for you, but I really enjoyed reading this. I think it is great you want to reconnect with your parents. Bless you. (I am an atheist, but sounded right!)
    That being said - I also have to say
    I think it is fine you are in the weed business, but...if you are in a state that makes it illegal, and you are dealing, then you cannot control who can buy. So you know children will buy. From my life experience, 13 is when it starts; my son started younger. I am sorry, I just have to ask, how can you be ok with selling illegally?
  12. Zxc913

    Zxc913 New Member

    My family is decent, middle classed. My siblings are all successful, either working or on college doing great. I was always the one and only who got into trouble. I think I was simply born that way, adding some environmental factors my friends gave - it escalated. I was stealing from supermarket in pre-teen years already. I betrayed their trust long time ago, but they keep coming back and support me. I'm way too rational and way too emotionally distant. I don't understand why they want, but still feel sort of obligation to reconnect with them, socialize with them. They love me, something I never understood fully until recently.
  13. Zxc913

    Zxc913 New Member

    This is the thing and I feel so bad about it! Of course nobody wants 9-5, but some people are paid well to do it. I'm not one of them, I never will be because I lack education. If I had more financially better options, I'd know about them. I don't care if I go to jail again, I earn crappy job year's salary in a month. I worked for a capitalistic boss, I worked for a good boss but then the customers gave me :censored2:. That kind of low paying jobs where others treat you like you're a maggot is not a way to live a life. It made me suicidal, I don't ever want to feel that way. I steer my wheel myself from now on.

    My priorities are to make my own business in a few years with the money I earned. I hope my parents will deal with how I made that money...
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am a parent more on the liberal side and I am spiritial but not religious. If any of my kids sold weed as their livlihood, even though i try hard not to judge, I would not exactly be proud of an adult child who sold weed. Id accept it, as long as it is on a legal state, but I would not be thrilled. I am aware that weed is often a Gateway drug, legal or not.

    You can do better in my opinion educated or not. You want to be more fruitful? Get a two year certificate. You dont have to be a genius to make a decent salary.

    My youngest has serious learning disabilities and could not read until she was eight. She isnt interested in 9 to 5 either. But she works hard and chose not to get into trouble ever. Even with learning disabilities she is close to getting her degree in ctiminal justice and next year is going to tje police academy. Shes not an academic genius but she wanted to live right and this was her career choice...you obviously would not choose this career but there are other careers where you dont work 9-5.

    But this is about your family, not your profession.You know they love you no matter what. So have some contact and maybe stick to topics that are not contentious. You dont have to get in their face about your career. There are topics that are not controversial.

    I wish you luck.
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2017
  15. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm going to be blunt here.

    It's very clear that what you do for money is illegal. The morality of that doesn't come into it. If weed is illegal and you are selling it, then you are committing a crime and that doesn't bother you a bit. In fact, you don't even care if you go to jail again, you said so. As a parent, your attitude is troublesome at best. If you were my son, that would absolutely break my heart; that you care so little about yourself or how they feel.

    Your parents may never be able to accept that.

    You want to know if you should maintain contact with your parents? Then there's one simple question. Do you love your parents? If so, then of course you should. You love them and they love you. That's quite simple. Stay in touch. Don't talk about work or money - ever. If they bring it up, change the subject. Don't buy them expensive things. Just...tell them you love them and be their son.
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  16. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I suppose you could move to Colorado and I think there could be other states where this is legal. It is a decent step.
    It's interesting that you recognize that your parents are good, loving, patient etc.
    Many would wish for such a huge blessing.
    My empathy is mostly with your parents because this is a pain like no other.
    Perhaps in time you will find a healthier path.
  17. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Whatever you do in the future, you should at least send a text or letter to let them know your alive. The wondering about this is too stressful on a parent. Unless they specifically tell you not to contact them.
  18. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Honestly, you could be my son speaking. I didn't have contact with him for a few years. I had to see proof he was becoming a member of society. First, a menial job living in a rooming house, this showed some responsibility. Then , a car, an apartment and a better job without help from us (but we had a restraining order). I did not care at this point by the way, I gave up on him. I had other kids to think of. He kept getting better jobs, then removal of restraining order- go my son!. Then, he found his own place, a beautiful girlfriend with a job, he got married, kept getting better jobs and so did she....he made his wonderful life slowly and step by step, it was only a temporary leave from our family. This is you, just stay focused, take baby steps in the right direction. You are here asking advice, everyone of our kids are different. Don't do anything illegal, that is just a lateral move. I'm trying to help you, my own son is not even 30. You know what to do, it's hard. You don't want to be in jail. Do the hard thing, your family loves you. Never forget that.
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  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member


    It took courage to post here. You knew what you would find here, and you did it anyway. I think you do not give yourself the credit you deserve.

    This is your bottom line:
    Knowing how they feel you cannot morally, I think, expose them to a lifestyle that they cannot abide and you cannot ethically expect that they stomach activities that they feel damage you as a person, and damage others.

    I think this is how you judge yourself:
    Zxc. Life requires choices. We can seldom have it both ways. Our choices define us. You are choosing. You have a right to choose. But your choices determine who you become. To your parents you are choosing incorrectly. As good parents with middle class values they can never condone what you are doing. You know this already.
    I doubt that your parents think you are a bad person. What they do not like is your choices. There is an important distinction here.
    My son and I have the same difference in opinion about marijuana. At first I was neutral. When I saw what it did to him and his life, I began to hate the drug.
    I agree with Lil. If what you are doing is illegal, you are committing a crime. This is not a moral judgement. It is a fact. That you make the choice to risk imprisonment does not make it right to expose your parents to your lifestyle.

    Except I agree with Lil. If there is love, reach out. You will know how to protect them. And they will know that you are doing so.
    This saddens me. There are so many places to see and things to do. People to meet. A wide world that is fun. There are countries where one can live easily and well for a couple of hundred dollars a month or less. I knew a guy who worked a few months a year and lived on the beach in Indonesia, where he had bought property for a thousand dollars or so.

    Selling weed is not your only option.

    I know people that for 40 years have taught English as a second language all over the world: Japan, Africa, Libya, Saudi Arabia, Hong Kong, and dozens more countries. They work when they want. They saved millions of dollars.

    You are justifying what you are doing by saying your only option is to be a wage slave--or sell drugs. Do you really believe that?
    This is a cop out.
    Well. I hated my job but I had gone to college. I studied to have a career where I earned big money, but I was still treated badly. I have the option of working for myself, now, if I want to. I do not know if I want to. I still would not sell drugs.

    I am wondering if your posting is really to work this out--to work out your own sense that you are letting yourself down.

    I am glad you posted. I hope you stick around. You could really help US out by giving us your perspective. Most of us have sons and daughters around your age.

    Do not be afraid to reach out to your parents. Just, protect them. They love you. They want you to be safe, and to live as a good man. You know that.

    Take care.
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    Last edited: Feb 14, 2017
  20. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    What I'm about to say to you may seem harsh but please read it. I'm saying all of this not only as a father who has a son in a similar situation to yours but as a Correctional professional with 25 years of experience. I don't want to chase you away or make you feel bad about yourself. I want you to think about your life and be honest with yourself.

    Based on what you've said here, you are a criminal. You can sugar coat it all you want but it doesn't change the facts. Does this make you a bad person? Not at all. Do some research yourself on two classes, Impact of Crime on Victims Class and The Impact of Criminal Thinking. I did a quick google search and found Criminal Thinking Deterred and it made some interesting points that you might want to consider.

    The reason you're concerned about whether your parents will accept you or not is because it's uncomfortable for law abiding citizens to be on friendly terms with criminals. So many of the usual topics of conversation will only enhance that discomfort. Then there is the possibility that law enforcement may show up at their house looking for you.

    And that business that you are planning to build with the money you are currently making? Make no mistake that it will ALWAYS be at risk. You never know when one of your former associates will get busted and give your name to keep out of trouble. You get convicted and all of that money you obtained by illegal means will be forfeit, no matter what it was used for. For that matter, those charities that you donate to could be at risk as well.

    If you truly want your family in your life, you will have to give up the criminal lifestyle. Until you do that, you will not be able to have a close relationship with them. They will have to keep you at arms length to protect themselves and will always be uncomfortable about your lifestyle. Not saying that you wont be able to have any kind of relationship with them, just that it will probably be a bit distant.

    I doubt that very seriously. Very few people, even religious fanatics, see good and bad as black and white. Most every one on this board will probably agree that marijuana, to most people, is not really that big of a deal. But its illegal and there is no "grades of illegality". Its either illegal or it isn't. While I doubt that anyone would argue that murder is much worse that theft, it doesn't change the fact that they are both illegal. Most older people appear to the younger generations to have a black and white point of view because they've learned through experience that it tends to be easier dealing with things that way, not that they actually see it that way. Take alcohol for example. If you have a family history of alcoholism you can either try to play the shades of grey option and hope you don't succumb or play it safe and think in black and white and assume that if they drink they will become an alcoholic.

    But you are someone's slave. You've allowed yourself to become a slave to easy money. YOU have limited your options and caused this. As far as who you blame...bullshit. This is a cop out. You made the choices in your life. You allowed those factors to influence your decision. They have no power over you unless you allow it. Read the article above on criminal thinking.

    Read the article on criminal thinking.

    I'm assuming that you said you don't understand what they want? Based on that assumption, I will say that they want you to live a happy, productive life. As any gains from a criminal lifestyle can be snatched away at the drop of a hat, they don't see your current life as being productive.

    You are under no more obligation to connect and socialize with them than they are with you. IF you want to, then do it but don't think that its required.

    Again, refer to the Criminal Thinking article.

    The reason others are paid well to do the 9 to 5 thing is because they worked for it and earned it. It wasn't given to them. They had to go to school, earn a degree, get a job, work their way up the ladder and pay their dues to get that pay. You don't have that because you've chosen not to get an education and then get that crappy job and work your way up the ladder. You chose not to pay your dues and instead, live the criminal lifestyle. Yes, you can make more in one month that I will make in a year. So? This is an excuse to not live the legal lifestyle, not a reason. So your boss is an ass or the customers are jerks. Boo fricking hoo. Welcome to life and paying your dues. There is no such creature as a perfect job, just the one you can tolerate the best. You don't have any better financial options because you aren't willing to create them by getting your education and by working those crap jobs to get better ones.

    You don't care if you go to jail again...yet you wonder why your family doesn't like what your doing with your life. If you get your business, your parents don't have to deal with how you got the money. You know they wont like it so don't mention it.

    I know I've sounded fairly harsh throughout this post. I wont say that I didn't mean to since it would be a lie. I've been doing this job entirely too long dealing with people with your same attitude and excused and I have no time to give you a fairy tale bull; :censored2: lie about how you can live the criminal life and everything will turn out fine. I'm simply telling you what I've seen happen over the years. I've seen families torn apart because the child can't understand why the family won't be happy that he's supporting himself and the family can't understand why the son doesn't see the damage he's doing. I've seen children grow up angry because their dad is never around because he's always in prison. I'm not trying to judge you nor am I looking at this from a black and white perspective. You want to reconnect with your family but you may not be able to because of your lifestyle.

    If my son were to move back to our town and start dealing, I'd have no choice but to distance myself from him. Not because I'm trying to judge him or because I don't love him, but because its the only way to protect myself, my wife, my lifestyle from his. There are negative aspects of that lifestyle that could have SERIOUS repercussions on mine and I can't allow that to happen. Remember that if your parents chose to remain distant from you. Its not that they don't love you or want to reconcile, its because they feel they have to protect themselves from the negative aspects of your chosen lifestyle.

    I hope I haven't offended you too much and have given you some serious food for thought. Please take this for what its meant to be, some advice, opinions, and knowledge from someone on this side of the fence who has more knowledge than the average bear about life on the other side of the fence. Good luck.
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