I'm angry that women tend to get the custody even when they are not being their best

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Jun 9, 2012.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter in law wants a divorce from my son. She is out every night and Grandson asks "Where's Mommy?" Last night she came home drunk at 3am and was still drunk in the morning. She must have driven herself home drunk. She never watches Grandson anymore. Son does! He has an attorney who specializes in men, but still says women usually get residential custody. Oh, yeah. daughter in law took Grandson's birthday money and stashed it away from herself to try to get a down payment on an apartment.

    daughter in law has always been very ditzy about money and has caused a bankruptcy.

    I am really bummed out that my son will probably just get visitation. Who k nows what daughter in law will expose the little guy to? Her sister is divorced and is (sorry for the word) a tramp. The last time my son talked to sister's little girl, who is nine, the girl told him, "Mommy is in a hotel with a man." daughter in law worships her sister and tries to emulate her.

    I think judges should pay attention to who is doing the most caregiving when they decide on residential custody. I did tell my son to take notes and hand them to his lawyer, who he will see again on Tuesday.

    I'm so frustrated and upset for my little sweetpea. I'd love to hve them here, but neither of them is allowed to take grandson out of state right now.
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    Generally this is only true if permission is not granted by both parents. If they are both OK with it, then they can go. If parents won't give permission, you can ask the judge for permission. I just did this for the second year in a row to go on vacation.

    Anyway, where is your son currently in relation to Grandson? Possession is 9/10 of the law and the same goes for custody. If he hasn't yet moved out, he needs to make arrangements to move WITH grandson and make sure all childcare arrangements are in place. This is what a woman would do if she were leaving. If he's already moved out without grandson, he should go back as often as possible, and get as many overnights as possible and offer up any needed rides and such.

    Some judges do listen. Don't assume they won't, but unfortunately men have to PROVE they are the better parent.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This can get bad but it isnt a for sure deal that the mom will get custody. Fathers are getting custody more and more these days. Tell him to keep as much evidence as he possibly can. If he can have witnesses as to her coming home drunk at 3am, then do it. Install an alarm in the house if he can afford to do so. That will show the comings and goings of each person. I believe they can each have their own separate code. Im sure he can get some friend to take a picture of her out at the bar late at night.

    I keep downloading tons of pictures off of FB that Cory's oldest childs mom posts that show what I would call compromising pictures. She just posted one with a table full of booze and the kids in the background. Sure it could be nothing but it isnt the smartest thing to post on FB. If your son's wife has a FB account, watch it and download her pictures. I am sure there will be some interesting ones...along with interesting comments. Save everything. You can print screen everything and that is the best way to do it because it shows exactly what you see and that it comes from her name and the date and that nothing is altered. He should check with MO law about recording conversations and make sure he is allowed to do so but I record EVERYTHING that Lindsay says to me. I have a record feature on my laptop and anytime we talk I just hit the record button and the entire conversations are recording. I just save them.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending understanding hugs and support your way. Keep in mind that alot of bioMom's really do not want the daily responsibility of parenting. If your son can keep his cool he may be a dependable caring FREE babysitter for his wife and atually be appreciated by her for "helping out". It's a tad manipulative but that is how I managed to protect the grandsons from their bioMom's inappropriate habits. I haven't done it as an estranged parent but I sure have done it as a Grandparent and the children had a stable home where nobody said of did anything to impact bioMom in a negative way. Good luck. DDD
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    MWM... As you know for my family this is a super touchy subject... And I am glad they don't live in our county. Please tell your son it is NOT a sure thing that she will get custody or even residential in a shared parenting situation. He needs to prove himself the better parent, which is HARD for a man to do. He also needs to document EVERYTHING.

    If daughter in law is planning to move to an apartment, then does that mean son is still home? because if so - NOT moving the kids is ALWAYS better and judges DO see this. The less upheaval the better. I hope both son and daughter in law can keep it together and not let their bitterness become spite. The child is the one who loses. ALWAYS.

    Having watched husband go through having to get custody of the kids... PM me if you like. :hugs:
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She's moving, but son will have to move too. He can't pay for the house by himself.

    Last night when daughter in law went out and came home at 3am she had driven home DRUNK. Son is going to present this info to his lawyer. Actually, driving drunk runs in the family. Her mother has a breathalyzer in the car because of all her DUIs and daughter in law insists Mother isn't an alcoholic. Sad. That particular family, as far as I know, has never had a successful marriage in her mother's generation and below. Everyone is divorced.

    My main concern is for Sweetpea. I don't want her to get into a car drunk and drive with him. SHe is very reckless. I can see her doing it.

    My son has tried to make it civil, but daughter in law is deliberately trying to goad him. It will be better once she is gone.

    Janet, my son is new to Missouri and very shy. He really doesn't have any friends who aren't her friends too so the getting a picture won't work. He has no idea what bars she goes to either as she stays out of contact with him. Step, if you have any advice, please PM me. I won't bother you, but I'm open to hearing anything that could help. Son had to take Grandson to his swimming classes today alone because daughter in law was *still* drunk!

    I appreciate all the advice. I wish I lived closer to SweetPea. I don't believe daughter in law will give him a stable home. I know my son would try but...mothers first, right?
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Not necessarily...
    In the province we used to live in, I know a family where all this happened 10 or 12 years back - and law is more progressive now (in general), but at the time, the assumption was "mothers first"... and the father got full custody. All the mom got was supervised visitation... because of SA issues.

    Let's hope the judge is someone who hates SA... and loves kids.
  8. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Good luck. This is always so scary for kids. Hope he finds a very good lawyer.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    SA is big here too. However, daughter in law never even drank before she decided to be single. However, if she drinks and drives, which she did last night, THAT will rankle a judge. Also, she does not allow my son to know where she is with SweetPea when she has him AND she does not answer my son's texts when he tries to reach her if there is something going on with SweetPea. We are hoping for the best. He has a good lawyer, but mothers are still widely favored in the US>
  10. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hello MWM. Through the marvels of internet and obviously knowing nothing about this personally in terms of the States, I find this information about Missouri custody law after divorce:

    "A Missouri family law judge is not supposed to give preference to the mother or father when making decisions regarding divorce, child custody or child support. This means that a mother's rights are the same as a father's rights. Missouri fathers have the same ability as mothers to petition the court for custody of a child and for child support.

    When seeking child custody or child support, a father must prove that awarding him custody would be in the best interests of the child and that child support is necessary given the parents' and child's needs and financial circumstances."

    On the face of it, therefore, there is no reason why your son should not petition for custody, if it is in the best interests of his daughter.
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    How new to Missouri? More importantly, when did Sweetpea move to Missouri?
  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is there anything preventing your son from asking his lawyer to "gather evidence" on her lifestyle that can be used if he is going to ask for physical custody? Not just his telling his lawyer she came home drunk at 3 am, but actual proof...

  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Malika, that's what it says, but the mother usually gets physical custody. That's why my son hired a good attorney who knows the laws about father's rights. Unfortunately, it's always an uphill battle for the man.
  14. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Has Sweetpea lived in Missouri less than 6 months?
  15. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    Your son NEEDS to document EVERYTHING. Every time she drives drunk. Every time she refuses to answer calls/texts. EVERYTHING.

    My husband won custody of his daughter, and one of the main reasons why is the fact that I smelled a rat early on with biomom and started a journal/calendar. I documented EVERYTHING - visits, requests to borrow money, times she was late picking up, etc. When the time came, I turned a copy over to our lawyer. Biomom was toast. We got full custody with limited visitation even though we had moved to another state.

    Document, document, document.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Tell your son to hire a private detective through his attorney NOW.
    HIM telling someone she drove home drunk? Who cares - prove it. FUrther question would go to - WHY was she so distraught she was drinking. Did he cause her to drink? See how that works?
    BUT if a private eye can follow her and prove infidelity, prove illegal drug use - prove via pictures thorough unbiased third party witness? That is proof for a judge and goes towards custody.

    He also had better get his finances in complete shape - and prove he can provide child care - and show that he has done INVESTIGATION and EXTENSIVE interview ON PAPER for each place....not to mention NANNIES and background checks with the state and have THOSE documents available in file for the judge to see that he is MOST serious about his sons welfare should he have to work over - there will be someone to care for his child that is thoroughly checked out.

    As far as location of new living arrangements - I would put on paper that he has checked with local law enforcenment and put in writing how safe the neighborhood is - and done a child-safe check to see if there are any sex offenders and how close - and have THAT information available to a judge. IN WRITING. DO YOUR HOMEWORK HERE - INTERVIEW NEIGHBORS....go door to door ask them is this a safe building - neighborhood.

    I would get statements from his pediatritian that he has been in contact and a letter stating so that he is aware who the childs doctor is - where the closest hospital is to his new home.......

    That he has taken a course in CHILD CPR - and bought a mini - DEFRIBRILATOR.....and has that in his home in case of a life -threatening event -

    RECEIPTS for all child proofing of the home BEFORE child moves in - even IF he doesn't get complete custody right down to the toilet seat lock......

    List of all the local child activities sports, swimming, - plays, and libraries, therapiests - and notes on whom he plans to take the child to BEFORE THE DIVORCE - because he will need counseling......

    Double check on the child safety seat and have a certificate from the local police station that he's gotten it checked and installed right -

    UNDERSTAND my line of thinking here?

    THEN put it ALL in a binder - like a report with a cover sheet for the judge to see that your son had done EVERYTHING he can - TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR SON is safe, andwill have the best of everything -----and care, medical and otherwise.....but most of all -

    and first page - a picture of him and his son - LOVE.

    Because with out that? The rest doesn't matter.........

    AND GET BUSY - because while Mom is out driniking her blue away your son had better PROVE he wants and can do all this MR. MOM stuff.

    Good Luck. AND GET THAT PRIVATE EYE - and explain also - that he's NOT trying to keep the boy from his Mother - but that you feel based on the info you get from the private eye - that the child isn't safe around his mother until she completes a drug and alcohol and financial counseling courses ------court ordered.

    GOT IT?
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I thought of a PI. However, he can not afford a PI. The lawyers alone are VERY expensive. Unfortunately.
  18. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    He should not leave his son. Courts like the status quo. The key mistake that many dads make is moving out, leaving the child with mom and then trying to get primary custody. By moving out and leaving the child with mom, their actions have told the court that the dad thinks mom is perfectly capable of being the primary parent.

    HE NEEDS TO KEEP LIVING WITH HIS SON UNTIL/UNLESS a court orders differently.
  19. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    MWM--my son is going through something very similar. He has an attorney and has asked for shared/joint custody although he is now reconsidering. It is hard to watch your child hurt---I have tried to stay neutral because of the children, but it is very difficult to not dislike my daughter in law. They are currently in the same home. She just started working and is saving the money to move out. But she is making life really hard for my son and is not easy living in the same home.
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    MWM, the truth is that if a father seeks custody, he is more likely to have the funds to hire the better attorney and expert witnesses needed to obtain custody. The person with the most expert witnesses wins in a civil matter because the standard of proof in a civil matter is "preponderance of the evidence" - ie: 51% or more. The only question allowed in a Family Law court is "best interests of the child."

    Star's right about documentation. She'll lie. She'll say he's making it up, she'll say he forced her then distorted what really happened. Get independent confirmation of any concern that he is going to raise.

    If you want to help your son get custody of his child, you need to not ever say a word against their mother to anyone who doesn't have a confidentiality agreement with you, because I guarantee it will come right back and bite you when they say "His support system is Grandma, and Grandma bad-mouths mom." Judges have somewhat of a clue these days that people should not disparage either parent to the child. This is a public forum, and if she gets a halfway decent lawyer they will find you here and use your words against you.