I'm back after 18 years

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by Naina, Oct 26, 2018.

  1. Naina

    Naina New Member

    Hi all!

    Let me begin with a bit of an introduction. I am the mother of an extremely complicated 35 y/o daughter. We have struggled with her since birth. I knew after 2 other children something was not quite right. At the age of 13 things began getting out of hand. We began the longgggg tangled mess of doctors, medications and diagnoses. The police became involved when she struck me and stole my car at 15. At that point we had her hospitalized for 2 months and she was given the diagnosis of ODD. It was around that time I found this site. Oh my it was a Godsend. Without all the advice and support, I believe I would be in the nut hut myself.

    Through the next years we dealt with bipolar diagnosis, drug abuse, alcohol, coming out of the closet, a few lovers (One hanging herself) add PTSD, loss of jobs , multiple car wrecks, DUI, hospitaliations along with other stuff I am to exhausted to remember. During this time, I have grown old and tired.

    Which brings us to today. I'll actually go back the past 2 years. Again she seemed to be stable after joining AA. Is on SSD and has a part time job, and is going to a tech college. Being the negative Nancy I have become, I actually discouraged her from this, as I know she does not have the personality or temperament to work in the medical field. But here again I am the bad one because I am not supporting, and know she has no means to pay for this. I'm assured that she has a grant. So I keep my mouth shut and pretend to be supportive. She did graduate. Hood winked my mom out of $8,000 behind my back.(my mom passed soon after) Was placed into a position which lasted 2 weeks because they were all so mean to her she had to quit. She has yet to find another job in her field.

    Can not get along with roommate, working part time in retail, I co sign for an apartment for her. One bedroom very small and cheap. Yup, I did it. I figured no matter what I will always pay her rent because I can not have her home with me. As of now she is not working. They were mean to her. She is on SSD and I supplement each month.

    Throughout all this my husband has open heart surgery. The day he came home, she has herself admitted to the hospital for suicide. Everything seems to evolve around her. 7 weeks ago I had a hip replacement. While I was in the hospital she came to see me to tell me she needed to admit herself. There I am in pain, can hardly move and she wants my help. I told her to do whatever she needs to do, but leave me and her dad out of it. We have nothing more to give. That very evening she calls me from the very same hospital I'm in to let me know she has been admitted and wants her dad and I to take her dog! Oh my gosh I can not even tell you the fit she threw when I told her no.

    Each time something like this happens, a bit of my heart is destroyed. After many years of these incidences, I am not sure how much compassion I have left. Which that in and of itself leaves me with guilt. It seems like I go through the motions and do what needs to be done. There never seems to be any reasoning with her. In her mind she is always right, and things are everyone's fault. It's extremely difficult to have a real relationship with someone like that. That's the saddest part, knowing you will never have a mutual beneficial relationship with your own daughter.

    Thanks all for taking the time to read my story. I know there is really nothing that can be said. It just feels good getting it off my chest.
  2. I'm saddened, Naina, that you're in such pain. From what you've described, your daughter may have Borderline Personality Disorder along with her Bipolar Disorder. It's so disheartening to give and give and get nothing back but blame from the Borderline Personality Disorder individual.

    Have you read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life?
    I ordered it earlier this week and plan to read it immediately when it arrives.
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is a beautifully written and complete definition of a personality disorder.

    The people around somebody like this suffer a great deal. That is the defining characteristic. There is seldom much motivation to change for people like this because they can always point to external factors and blame others. I believe that many of our difficult children have personality disorders. We suffer and suffer because we are their parents. It is very hard to let go one hundred percent because we love them so much. But we get sick and tired of suffering.

    I am glad you are back. Sometimes we need a tune up to get our own functioning back up to speed. You have been through a lot and you are vulnerable. When you feel better you may find that your resiliency, boundaries and acceptance come back.
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2018
  4. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Naina I’m so sorry you find yourself here. My daughter S has Borderline (BPD) and has followed a very similar path. Everyone is mean to her. Nothing is her fault. There is always drama. I’m afraid to call her or ask how things are going because I know I’ll get sucked in.

    I know what you mean. Not that we have kids because we want to grow our own caretakers, but in the natural order of things you expect to develop a more mutual relationship with your adult children, and be able to count on them when you really need help yourself. You and your husband are going through crises of your own right now. She should be helping you. Instead she has to find a crisis of her own so it can be all about her. This does sound very much like borderline.

    I wish I had a magic answer to make it all easier. Hugs to you. I hope you and your husband are both regaining strength and taking care of yourselves and each other. I’m sorry she’s putting you through this.
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  5. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    You have lived and walked a very rocky road with your daughter. I know you love her. Now you need to love yourself and take care of yourself. The stress of her is going to kill you and your husband.
    She is obviously manipulating you, her timing with the suicide admits is not coincidental. And wanting you to take a dog whenyou just had hip surgery, crazy.
    I hope you can just tell her no and take care of yourselves, at least for a while.
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  6. Naina

    Naina New Member

  7. Naina

    Naina New Member

    Thank you all for your kind input. It means a lot to me that you took the time to respond.

    Yes, I am quite sure she has a personality disorder. Most likely Borderline (BPD). When she was younger I was quite involved in her treatment, but as an adult she has been reluctant to let me in. And as you are aware, the docs no longer inform you to the point of being ridiculous. One time she was hospitalized on a regular floor. When I went in to see her she was on suicide watch. There was a nurse? Sitting with her at all times. i was under the impression she was in for a liver ailment. No one would give me any info. To this day I have no clue what really happened. She was transferred 100 miles away to an open bed. The funny thing, they were more than happy to call me and get me involved when it came time to pick her up. So I guess what I'm saying is I no longer get too involved with her care. Kind of a self preservation thing. She has a case worker who I hope is keeping her best interest at heart.

    I have spent the first 30 years of her life keeping her alive and getting her into adult hood. On a positive, she is quite self aware and is compliant with her medications, unless she decides to self medicated. Right now she seems to be on the wagon. I really thought if I could get to that mile stone I would be ok. Now I am coming to terms that she may have reached her peak of development and function. What I am seeing is a decline. I need to figure out a way to deal with that.

    There are times I just want to pack up with my husband and leave the state. My husband is very laid back and comfortable. If I could only convince him it would be adios.

    Once again, thank you all for your kind words and allowing me to unload.
  8. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Once they are adults there is very little we can do. My daughter is not on medications and is self medicating with booze, marijuana, and cocaine - and who knows what else. Last I heard she was living with a cocaine dealer. I tried so hard to get her treatment when she was younger but she just walked away from all of it once she turned 18. She’s never lived a stable life and it’s looking like she never will. I don’t know what else to do but let go. It is so hard - we have zero control over their choices, no right to any medical information even when they are reaching out to us for help.

    At least your daughter has some self awareness and is treatment compliant. Has she tried DBT? I’ve read it’s the only form of therapy effective for Borderline (BPD). I wish I could get S in some form of therapy but I that’s not going to happen anytime soon. :(

    I hope you are able to find some peace and take care of your own needs right now. Hugs.
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is my pain. My son wants support in the manner and to the degree that he defines. No more. No less. All of my efforts just fly in my face, that he get treatment for his liver, for his brain injury, for his moods, for PTSD. It is worse than impotence. It ends up that my wanting for him wounds me. I am sorry.
  10. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Yep. And for mine, that usually means money...
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  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My son, sadly, wants support to have shelter.
  12. Naina

    Naina New Member

    I do very much agree. My daughter too wants support. Monetary only! As long as the cash is flowing, all is good and she is happy with me.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, you have been through so much, Nancy. And Elsi and everyone.
    This thread caught my attention because I am POA and guardian for my 90-year-old cousin, who has borderline personality disorder. The only thing that has kept my sanity is writing and painting. I am writing a book about her--her idea--she was an actress and dancer. It has the funny moments and absurdities she wanted. But I put in the *rest of the story.* I have not read it to her ... she has dementia on top of it all. :(
    My worst years occurred while moving her from NYC to Virginia and getting her from doctor's appointment to doctor's appointment--at the same time my son was at his "peak."
    Again, I wrote about it to keep my sanity (and posted a lot here!), and a publisher gave me the opportunity to create my own poetry chapbook. When I read it, I can always tell who has been through the same thing; they hang back in the audience to come up to me and talk afterwards. There are a lot of hidden caregivers out there. And it helps to feel that we are not alone.
    Someone mentioned DBT--I had no idea what those initials meant until recently. My daughter recommended that to my son! And the online doctor he found and spoke to today does use that method.
    Nancy, you MUST take care of yourself. I am well aware of the drama surrounding you, if only because it sounds so familiar. There is no excuse for your daughter to have admitted herself to the hospital on BOTH occasions when you and your husband had major surgeries. Sigh. We love our children. They scare us half to death. But at some point, we have to let life take care of itself, for better or for worse.
    I am so glad that you are here. This is a great group of people. I left for 2-3 years and now I'm back. So glad to be here.