I'm back - and once again frustrated

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by 2tired, Aug 24, 2008.

  1. 2tired

    2tired New Member

    Hi all! I haven't been here in quite a while, and I've been telling many about this site - most recently this weekend at a conference dealing with children - mental illness and drug/substance abuse. This place here is phenominal. I've read many posts- and decided I would add my two cents without directly adding to an existing thread. I'm now facing a new horizon - my now 16 yo - ran away 2 weeks ago. She is safe, although I don't know where she is etc. (she hasn't called me). Prior to her leaving (the first time), she stole $8,000 in savings bonds from me - then cell phone, money and cut the cloth on my sectional. I told her a few weeks back that I can't believe that something like her came out of me. She is such a monster - and I have been dealing with it since she was 3 y.o. at 9 years old, I put her out of my home. In that time, she lived with my sister (out of state), institutionalized numerous times - short term, and 18months + 9 months consecutively until age 14. I'm extremely tired, and don't care if I ever see her again. I have no recourse, even though it is unlawful to runaway - nothing happens to her. She has all the rights, and I continually get threatened with abandonment - when I say I'm not picking her up. Regardless of the route that I take - I hit a dead end, and have no recourse but let her back into my home. She refreshes, steals stuff - and leaves again. She can do whatever she wants and I can't touch her, throw her out, just allow - or enable her to do whatever the HE_L she wants. I can't express myself to anyone because they don't get it - and believe it or not - it's supposed to be my support system. I'm on the verge of losing my house because since she stole my bonds, I can't make ends meet. Honestly, it' s peaceful in my home - and I don't want to ever see her again. I've suffered long enough because of her. I am in a better place than I was some years ago because for so long it was about her - not me. I;ve lost my son (13), because of her - he decided to live with his dad who filed full custody and I don't have the money to fight him. I make less than $1,200 a month - lost my job of 23 years because of her. I'm done venting, as I could go on and on. Lastly - it does get better after a while, but it seems to get bad again. I'm HERCULES - BECAUSE I CARRY SO MUCH BURDEN
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It sounds like you have been through so much. I can understand your house being more peaceful right now. Just wondering, can you have her charged for stealing the money?
    I'm glad you found your way back here (as you know you are not alone) but I'm sorry you had to. Sending many gentle hugs your way.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. I am glad it is peaceful, but sorry your daughter has been so horrible. It is hard when no one understands what the child is putting you through. And to lose everything because your child, that really stinks.

    I hope you can keep in contact with your son who is with his dad.

    Have you tried to have her charged with theft?
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! Does Georgia have PINS (Persons in need of Assistance?) that you can put on her?

    Here's one to help look for legal help to handle your daughter's "sticky fingers" problems and her behavior bankrupting you:


    I didn't get a chance to hop on them, but it's worth a check.

    What's her diagnosis? Has she had special education classes? I think I'd start calling the cops the second she walked through the door and press charges for the $$'s at minimum. This could allow you to get some help.

    Keep coming back! You'll hear a lot from a lot of us!

  5. 2tired

    2tired New Member

    This site has always been a saving grace for me - I live in a small town - with small minded police. We had an incident here last month when i came in from work that resulted in her accusing someone of rape - me taking her to the ER for rape kit - and me getting a bill for $4,600. The next day, I realized she was gone, but i honestly thought she was missing- come to find out she had runaway. I believe that she let a grown man in my home when i wasn't home - he stole her $300 ipod and a laptop - so she cried rape ..... Anyway, When the police told me they had spoken to her, a light bulb went off, that prompted me to check for my bonds. I told the officer that - and I was told that I made it up because I was angry..... The attitude of this police dept is out there. - anyway- she/we have a hearing through Juvenile Justice September 28th, but I don't expect nothing will come of it - besides - she's not here to go to court. I have been so distraught, I contacted the treasury dept - and since she is named on the bonds - they said it is a civil matter. Those bonds would have gotten me out of this hole by allowing me to keep my mortgage payments etc. up.
  6. 2tired

    2tired New Member

    Thank you for the links - I will certainly look into them. In this state when a child is a minor, they don't do much to them. As stated, I am not expecting too much as far as consequence, but I did file "Theft by Taking", but she will lie about it... To be perfectly honest, I've called the police so many times about her - I see their attitudes when they come to my house. Unfortunately for me -
    The county police had her for criminal tresspassing - and the officer let her go. She told him that I put her out, and even though I had filed a runaway - the paperwork two days before, it was awaiting the judges signature - he let her GO! I have since filed a complaint with Internal Affairs on that officer - especially after I asked him why didn't he use his discretion especially since school was in, and hold her until I could be reached - he told me that was above his pay grade.

    Her original diagnosis at 8 years old was ODD. Once she went into the DFACS system - all of that changed to abuse, neglect etc., they never looked at her at the time existing records - it was her horrible mother - (of course). Eventually, it was depression -(because of her horrible mother). It took years of fighting the system to get her off certain medications, and into a better facility - which changed things drastically - she had a really good therapist after about 5 years who actually listened to ME.

    I have truly been through the ringer with this girl. I never fully gave up because something just wasn't right with her - every diagnosis I suggested the criteria (according to them) couldn't be because of her age - but she was put on medication that was for adults. So that was a fight to get her off the medications that caused her considerable weight gain.

    She did well in school if she attended class/school. She had a great team of people behind her and my family- but it took a lot of work/advocating, and letter writing to the powers that be. She is so clever, she can fool most people..... Thanks for the links, the eyes, (ears), and the shoulders to cry on so to speak!
  7. 2tired

    2tired New Member

    I checked those sites. How awesome!!!! 1,000,000 thank yous. The help that is given here is better than any other resource.... I submitted to the freelegal - and hope that I get somewhere with that. I went to see the attorney that handled the original custody at $800 12 years ago- now want $4,000 - $6,000, but told me that I'd be fighting an uphill battle, but he would take the case. Talked to another attorney who said to retain her would be $4,000, and of course legal aid - well although I am below poverty - I haven't heard back from them that they would take the case. So, I just kind of told my son that I would see him when he turned 18. Dad requesting supervised visits in a public place and I will not subject myself to that.
    The other link - for IEP isn't or won't be helpful to a child not in school. She did have an SST (Student Support Team), she has been withdrawn by the school after not attending for 5 days. What else can happen?
  8. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    Sorry to hear you are going through this.
    If you are required to have supervised visits, I would do it. Your son needs to see you and know that you are there for him.

  9. 2tired

    2tired New Member

    My work schedule is out of whack. I have 5 jobs -I just quit one. 2 of them are on a regular schedule - and the other 3, I am on call, (believe it or not, I am a massage therapist), which I got into a few years back because my mother used to send me money to get massages - and with what it did for me - I enrolled in school and became certified.
    As far a supervised visits- I honestly don't want to go through that. I have been through so much with my children - at some point, it needs to be about ME, ME, ME.
  10. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Hope the morning is looking a little brighter for you!

    I wasn't thinking about the IEP site for school per se, what I was thinking is that you could contact them, explain your situation (she's a runaway, stealing, not attending school and causing you to lose your son, etc.) and they may be able to provide you some information as to what your rights are OR point you in the direction of who could walk you through either emancipating yourself from her OR having some sort of placement put on her. She walks through the front door, BAM, you make a call and someone shows up to put her where ever you ultimately decide would be best for her. It's worth a shot!

    Believe me: I know that you need a real break right now from the stress going on, but please re-think doing so at your sons expense. I've known so many now adults that still hate their Moms for giving up on them when they weren't the problem.

    When you speak to the legal people, see if they can (instead of making public visits mandatory) have it built into the visitation agreement that if your daughter shows up, you will visit with your son in a public place. I have a feeling that in the past, the daughter has caused major problems for your son. Even though your ex may be playing the "protective parent" game, if she's caused harm to your son, whether physically or mentally, he's got the back up.

    In your sons eyes (I will guarantee you this), if you blow off the opportunity to see him because he thinks you're putting your pride first (and that's the way a 10 or 11 year old will see it!), he'll never forgive you - no matter how old he is OR how well you explain it. Please, please, please rethink your position.

    Come here and vent, and scream, and cry, and argue and believe that there's life beyond your own personal occasional live-in "Wicked Witch"!! We're here for you and only want to help and protect you!

    Please don't be offended - I just want to help you see the other side of the coin. If I did offend, I deeply apologize!

  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Beth makes good points. I hope the sites she gave you help.

    My cousin was raised by a single mom. She almost died carrying him to term. In fact, it was strongly recommended she abort him. OF course she refused, she wanted him so badly.

    His dad walked away. He refused to see my cuz. Sent pictures back torn up. Shorted tehm on child support, lots of things. If he had just SEEN my cuz then cuz wouldn't have resented him.

    As an adult cuz has built a tentative relationship with his father. But went so far as to forsake his last name and take the name of one of my aunts many husbands.

    PLEASE do WHATEVER is needed to visit your son. HE needs this.

    Come here to cry, vent, rant, and deal with the horrible feelings that visits under supervision bring up. But do the visits, please. He NEEDS you.

    At least think about it, please?
  12. 2tired

    2tired New Member

    I'm not offended, at all, and I appreciate all viewpoints. After reading the last two posts, I just boo hooed. Been a while since I have let me emotions out. I've been keeping everything in, and honestly, it feels better to keep them in. Now I have a headache. I completely understand, but I'm tired of fighting everyone, and defending innocence. The truth of the matter is my daughter and I continually would get into it about different things, and of course my son would be around all of this. I would be so upset, he would be upset, and he truly suffered. At times, I would lose my temper and scream at him for things he would/wouldn't do. Of course this was after blowing up at her. I guess he was fed up with all the tension here and had written letters to me that he wanted to live with his dad and would do whatever he had to to make it happen. Well, he did. He told the school that he wanted to kill me or himself - so DFACS was brought in. I went to court, and the judge paid zero attention to me. I had a court appointed attorney that did absolutely nothing on my behalf - and I couldn't afford an attorney on my own. So my son was placed with his dad. I worked the case plan that involved counseling, family therapy, psychiatric evaluation (which didn't make a recommendation for the therapies- the judge ordered. So, for the past 5 months, we have had supervised visits 2 hours a week - and I hate it. My son's dad has big money - and I can't fight him in court, I can't win. I'm fine with alone. Because my kids have caused me so much devastation. He can hate me, he brought it all on himself, and if he wants to blame me - and take no responsibility - that's on him So I do understand the advice given, but I can't take much more. I can remember a few years back when I wanted to end my life - and came close to it.... I have to protect ME.
    On the other side, I spend so much time contacting different places for help/assistance, and I get nowhere, and I am tired of that too. It's only so much that I can take. If I continue to allow these things to overcome me, I won't be any good to myself. Georgia is quite different from anywhere I have ever lived. Every avenue seems to be a dead end, and even the so-called organizations to give support. That's why I'm here.
  13. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    " I'm fine with alone. Because my kids have caused me so much devastation. He can hate me, he brought it all on himself, and if he wants to blame me - and take no responsibility - that's on him So I do understand the advice given, but I can't take much more. I can remember a few years back when I wanted to end my life - and came close to it.... I have to protect ME.

    I understand being angry. I even get resentful at times. difficult child's are hard to raise but we are the ones who decided to have children. You owe it to your son to build a relationship. Me Me Me time comes when they are grown. I think you are forgetting that he is a child. He doesn't see the whole picture.

  14. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey! I didn't want to make you cry! Oh, :censored2: Don't do that!

    Listen, you're right that you need to watch out for yourself. You have to be able to function before you can prove that you are functional - right?!!

    If you're not able to keep physical contact, make sure you send cards and write letters.

    If I had a dime for everytime I yelled at all of them for what only 1 did, I'd be rich!

    You've had a really rough time of it. Take a breather, unwind, pull up a chair and buzz through the different stuff on here. Personally, I think your daughter has got to be one of the most "misdiagnosed" kids I've heard of in a really long time! But there is a point that she needs to be responsible for her own actions. I'd buzz around in the Teens and Substance Abuse forum - they can help you learn to detach (doesn't mean you don't love them, just that you refuse to be a party to their self-destruction).

    Keep in mind: we're here!

    Except now I have to take the demons to Chuck E. Cheese - the coupons for freebies are about to expire! ;)


  15. 2tired

    2tired New Member

    I guess I left out the part that I will talk to my son, etc. The extremes that the dad has gone through has really ****** me off. Before he filed for custody, we would show up for court, etc and sit and talk. Why he would go out of his way - well the $900 in child support is motive enough. I will take a look around the teens section. Well, yes, she has always been misdiagnosed, and considering I've had her seen since age 8, and it is not 8 years later. I just wish I had let go years ago and I wouldn't be in this struggle right now - I'd be over it.

    I have been literally dragging around here for the past few months, without any strength to clean my house. The only laundry that I do is my uniforms. My plants are dying because it takes energy (which I don't have) to water them. My daughter has two dogs here - Malteses that I spent a small fortune on, and I am considering getting rid of them because I can't give them the attention that they need, only feeding them. So, I feel rock bottom, and trying to keep above board. I can't keep my bills up, and I've already had assistance paying my mortgage, and utilities because I was so far behind. So, the much that I'm not telling is huge as well, and I manage to get up every day, and I'm trying so hard not to get so deep into depression. Well, I'm not trying hard, it's easier not to. I don't have any friends to spend time with -as I've alienated them going through stuff - that either I ****** them off or the other way around -because they didn't get what I have been going through, passing judgement, especially when I had my daughter committed, and let her go into custody. So, it just doesn't seem to improve much, but I am going to make some effort. - somewhere in my life.

    I needed the cry - as my eye sockets have been so dry. I'm considering taking up a hobby, just to occupy my time. I'm only actively working three days a week, and looking to fill in the other days, but with my current schedule, it will be a bit hard to get work (steady) those other days.
  16. 2tired

    2tired New Member

    I really appreciate the thoughts and advice. Steph, you know I realize that men walk away from their children all of the time. He is a child, and I am the adult, and I MUST THINK OF ME, because it isn't much more that I can take. Havinga choice makes it better for ME. I dedicated my entire life to rasing my children by myself, without any help from anyone. well I'm tired, and I deserve and reserve my right to let him go. He has a father who is more than capable of caring for his needs - so I'm not putting him in a situation that I would need to be concerned about. He has a good father and one who will take care of him. He too will have to live with his decision to go after me as if I am a monster. I did not harm my son in anyway - and my son knows that - he wanted out and he got it. he just let CPS feed him information. I will say if I can get an attorney to fight the case, then I will. Because my plan without an attorney is to cocede, But lose - I'm done. I will not seek any type of visitation. As long as my son knows that I love him I can live with that....I will not go through the next 4 years or so meeting him in a public place. I will pay child support and that is it.