I'm disappointed and a bit shocked..easy child/difficult child read through my emails

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DDD, Apr 1, 2013.

  1. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    He's had free access to the computers at work and the house and I honestly never ever thought he would read MY emails. Actually I "kinda" doubt that he did it alone BUT maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part. Anyway he read an email exchange between me and his GFGmom that had to do with his girlfriend, SO or whatever. In the email I told GFGmom that I was concerned that his SO seemed to be alot like my daughter in law (the one who has managed to get easy child to stay away from his family). I also shared with her that I had twice addressed the "no marriage" concept of his disability stipulations and his SO's response that "they (the gov't, by the way) shouldn't prevent people in love from getting married". Sigh. Both statements are true. Both statements I will (and in once case already have) discuss with SO.

    In 26 years he has never violated my privacy. To the best of his knowledge I have never violated his either. He "politely" confronted me about the email content today. I, in turn, confronted him on his invasion of privacy. He and I don't go head to head. I'm disappointed and wary that his SO is the one who checked out the mail. Sigh. I'm tired of parenting....in case you all didn't know, lol. DDD
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Omgosh, I just would never do that to anyone. I'm so sorry they broke that boundary.

    Pretty nervy to confront you with info that they broke into your mail!

    You have a right to be tired!
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh DDD, I am sorry. That has got to hurt and make you angry too, with all you've done, especially lately, for both of them. I completely understand your being tired of parenting, good grief you've been at it long enough.

    I don't know, perhaps it's an opportunity for an opening for you to express all your feelings, your fears about how he could lose his disability given a marriage, how you've always looked out for his best interests and you are afraid of him losing his financial security if poor choices are made. Of course in addition to your disappointment, hurt and anger about the invasion of your privacy, he really needs to get what a betrayal that is. It's so hard when you don't trust her, the truth is she really could lead him astray of his best interests, sigh. I can't even imagine how that all must feel to you right now. I am so sorry he (they) did this. I am sorry you had to feel that violation. I am sending you big bear hugs right now DDD...................
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    If it isn't something he's done before, it's probably SO motivated at the very least.

    I ditto RE maybe it opens the door for discussion about his financial security. Maybe focus on the rules instead of SO, because it's breaking those rules he has to worry about.

  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry DDD, you must feel violated and very disappointed, especially after all you've done for him. You didn't say anything that wasn't your true feelings so he really shouldn't be upset. You have more to be upset about by his crossing that boundary.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    (((((hugs))))) I am sorry that he, they or she violated your privacy this way. I hope you will address this head on, tough as that is (I hate confrontation, but hate the lingering pain more), and that you change the passwords to all of your accounts to strong passwords. You may want to google the "most commonly used passwords" to know what to avoid.

    If he and she will not seem to understand what marriage would do to his income, maybe you need someone from Social Security or a social security disability attorney to explain it to them. Maybe see if you can get a free consult with a disability atty and make sure this is the main topic?

    Reading your email is a sign that something is going on with him. esp as he has never done it before and because she seems to be overly involved.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If you don't ever want it to be read by somebody not intended... do not discuss in email.
    Period. Ever.

    Most people take privacy for granted. There's dozens of other ways that he might have found out... not necessarily that HE did, but...
    Which means - to me - that if you don't want it posted on billboards or facebook or across the world or even just to the town's juciest gossiper... do not communicate it with any social internet format (email, texting, twitter, facebook and related sites, blogs, forums, whatever else)

    <off soapbox>

    Doesn't make it pleasant when it DOES happen...
  8. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I'm sorry this happened to you. Of course the SO is behind it, but that doesn't ease the pain of his having done that ... and having the gall to confront you. When I first found out about Ossy's extracurricular love life, I found an online support community (Surviving Infidelity) and posted there regularly. One day, I had it open ...along several other websites, and left my computer screen unattended. My difficult child went on and read my posts and (I suspect) a few of my private messages. I actually don't remember how I knew she'd done this, but I confronted her and was very upset. She was just curious and hurting herself (unlike your difficult child in this situation) and,while I understood, it was a terrible violation. The site did allow me to change my screen name (not something they do often) becasue she could have gone on and lurked, without being registered, and read my posts. After that, I password protected my account and I am vigilant about logging off every time I leave the screen.

    It's awfult hat this happened to you. Let time work its magic and you both will heal.

  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont agree with IC completely. Email should be allowed to be considered private between the two people it is sent to unless one of you are under arrest and at that time anything you have said or communicated could be used against you anyway.

    What they did was wrong and I do suspect it was her but she probably called him over to read it after she read it. As Susie said, change passwords.

    If you want me to send him an email about the perils of marriage and social security I would be happy to do that, or I hand written letter if that would be better. After all, I didnt marry for almost 30 years just in case and it hasnt made a lick of difference to us. He even made medical decisions for me and the federal government is passing laws almost weekly giving domestic partners more and more rights. That is meant for same sex couples but also works for all people who live together.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Morally, yes. I don't agree with what was DONE. It definitely falls under the category of "should not".

    Technically... it already isn't. You would be surprised at the number of people who can read your email any time they want. Not necessarily people who actually know you, but... there's no guarantee that your worst enemy's grandson doesn't work for an ISP provider... and they CAN monitor internet traffic.

    That doesn't count the impact of viruses and worms and hackers... and the list goes on.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Any chance his GFGmom showed him the email or instigated him to look at yours?
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I do know that. I also realize that nothing is ever gone on the computer unless you burn the thing and then toss it in a river never to be found again.

    Right now I would like to do a search on bath salts and synthetic pot due to something I found in Bucks room but I am afraid to do that right now because of the fact that he has said somethings at least here in the house about me being a so called drug kingpin who sits on the computer talking to people about all kinds of drugs and what they do, how to get them online and selling and trading them. That is a major accusation that could get me in a whole lot of legal trouble. Of course it is completely untrue. I do worry he could say this to someone who is a mandated reporter and I will be either investigated or even arrested. I told Tony this is completely outrageous. Tony supposedly talked to him but I dont believe it. The only place I go is here, email,FB, Pogo, and once in a blue moon I will look up a new medication if they put me on one and I want to learn about it. As Tony says, that is only natural and smart. Im telling you what, if I get investigated, Buck will be out the door immediately.
  13. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Even though it's true that everything we write on the computer can conceivably be accessed forever, the point is it was your easy child/difficult child who did it, and it is a personal violation. It's also embarrassing. I can understand your exhaustion with parenting.
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    CJ, lol, you are absolutely right. It would be very easy for me to blame his SO but even if she found it he joined in on the reading. What I said was truthful and I am not ashamed. Our computers (home/work) all use the same server and we have business emails mixed in with personal ones. Very very rarely is there anything of a confidential nature and never anything evil.. It just disappointed me. Years ago I "thought" he was reading the CD posts. That was a big problem for me as he was in the midst of the teen drug thing. At fourteen or fifteen he apologized when confronted and said that I had left it up on the screen and he just sat down and started reading. No doubt in my mind that he told the truth. That was the end of it...except I was more careful closing out.

    Emails and CD and now the cancer support sites are it. I've never done FB or anything similar. Sigh. DDD
  15. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am also wondering if GFGmom shared them. Did she use them to turn him against you? Make herself look better? Maybe she even initiated to conversation to get you to say things he wouldn't like?
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    This is NOT my year, guys. easy child/difficult child (who soon is going to be described simply as a difficult child again) has upped the ante. I have doubled. As most of you know from the last decade I am NOT into confrontation for the sake of it but my kid has made a really poor choice and I have called him out. Thank God I have you all for support because I honestly do NOT need more stress. DDD
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    DDD, i hope whatever he upped the ante with....falls short and it all dies down. Quickly.