I'm done....why does she make it so easy?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mcdonna, Oct 31, 2016.

  1. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    This has been a weekend like no other - haven't had this much drama since...the last time we had this much drama. I think she has finally pushed me to total detachment.

    Daughter has still been playing the surgical victim, even though her GoFundMe accounts have been taken down and donors refunded. She kept uploading videos and photos from the hospital even though she had been discharged 2 days prior and was staying with a local Thai fellow, who is the good friend of the endometriosis group admins who was trying to assist her. She now has a new group of followers, who have started up a new campaign to raise money for her.

    In the meantime, there are legal proceedings looming against daughter on the basis of fraud, mistreatment of hospital personnel and the damage to several reputations of people located in Thailand who came to her bedside.

    Daughter has gone on the defensive all weekend - bashing everyone in her path, including myself and my husband. I am apparently an alcoholic who beat her and someone in the family has molested her (none of which is true). She still insists that she is not lying - that she had sepsis/septic shock, organ failure, endometriosis and emergency surgery. Global Affairs Canada states that she had no sepsis or organ failure, that her surgery was routine and her recovery unremarkable.

    I have been in conversation with the Global Affairs Canada (Canadian Embassy), the Thai lawyer and the admins from the endometriosis group and a travel group. The admins have defended my honour on their respective FB sites but daughter feels that I am responsible for the ruination of her GoFundMe accounts. She has threatened everyone via email, messaging, live videos and phone; some with death threats to all of us. She's been calling the house and leaving the usual threatening messages; telling me to stop talking to people and feeding them lies. She's also having her "followers" send threats to those who have uncovered her ruse. Thousands are being dragged into the debacle on Facebook. She is ruining the reputation of several non-profit organization leaders, as they are not able to refute anything until the lawyer has the appropriate paperwork in place. I feel so badly for them...and likewise, they feel for me and our family. I am an admin in one of the travel group's forums and have stayed in the background for fear of opening up Pandora's box if I should happen to post anything.

    Her last email told me to, "burn in hell" and to, "go f*@k yourself".

    And although I probably shouldn't have - I read through the posts on the endometriosis and travel pages and cried when I saw the posts from people who, even though they were duped by her at first, feel that she truly has a mental illness that requires intensive help and that her family must be going through hell right now.

    I think it's safe to say that I've detached after this weekend. Any sympathy I may have had has just flown out the window. I'm sad to say that I really don't know my daughter at all anymore.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you are having to endure this. You might consider a restraining order or no contact order if her abuse doesn't stop. Hopefully she will have a short attention span, but she seems to do this on some scale fairly regularly. I would 100% leave her to her own devices and resources. I am glad people are seeing through her and she may have some consequences for her actions. I hope they are enough to make her stop defrauding people, but I doubt it. Some lessons are only learned the hardest way, and some people are just incapable of learning them.

    Do something nice for yourself. Give yourself a reward for detaching, because that truly will be the only way to keep your sanity throughout whatever games she chooses to play. Let her worry about her own legal problems,and her own mental health. With borderline, she cannot be helped unless/until she wants to be helped. And why would she? She gets ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL sorts of sympathy and excitement from what she is doing, plus a mostly free party across a foreign country. She likely figures she can just leave if the consequences get to be too much, so why worry about the law? If she even thinks that far ahead.
  3. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Oh my gosh, Mcdonna I am so sorry for what you're going through. I'm fairly new to this forum, but it breaks my heart to read of the pain felt by the parents here. So much heartache. My situation pales in comparison.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, McDonna. Do be good to you. Your daughter is borderline and obviously has no conscience. She doesn't care who she scams or hurts and you can't change her. It's time to take care of yourself and, as hard as it is, stop reading her garbage. It hurts you and doesn't help her.

    She wont get help unless she is willing to admit she needs it, that it is her and not the world. It would be possibly helpful to you to be the one to get help about how best to live your life well in spite of your daughters problems.

    I send good vibes and hope that you can now move on and detach.
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry! Your daughter has said some horrible things about you and while others may choose to believe them you know the truth and that is all that really matters.
    I used to worry about some of the lies my son posted about me. I learned to let that all go. The people who really know me are the ones who matter and if others choose to believe the lies, well that's on them.

    I think it's good that you are choosing to detach. This doesn't mean that you will never have contact with your daughter it just means you are in control and will set boundaries accordingly.

    Hang in there!!

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  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy, your daughter really does know how to push something to the absolute limit, doesn't she?

    I'm sorry. You've had a helluva weekend!

    I agree, it's a good idea to detach......for YOU.

    Be very, very kind to yourself now........rest........take care of YOU.......
  7. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh, for the love of Pete!

    Of course you are done, McDonna. She made that decision much easier.

    Whether she has no conscience or this is rooted in extreme delusional thinking or a combination of the two, she certainly is not someone you can rationally relate to on any level. To do so would be leaving yourself even more open to all of her wild accusations and unfounded wrath.

    I'm just so sorry, McDonna, that you are going through this. Please do put yourself and hubby at the top of the list for some kindnesses. You two have been through such a lot the past couple of weeks.
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    The first thing that came to my mind...this scenario would be a perfect Dr. PHil episode!

    Ditto on being kind to your self...I know you will always care about your daughter, but until she gets help, it's not healthy to interact with her.

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  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Well, she has a funny way of being "done" with you!
  10. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    I have come to that conclusion...finally. I can lead her to it but ultimately, it is her choice and not mine.

    If I had a dollar for every button she pushed {heavy sigh}.

    So right you are. I can't rationalize with her. The more I try, the heightened her wrath.

    Funny you should say that, AppleCori. She decided to unblock me on messenger and sent a rant about how I abandoned her, ganged up with the travel group to sabotage her, had her gofundme accounts deleted, lied about her money and surgery to people. I answered basic questions to those who confronted me. No lies. I had nothing to do with her gofundme account.

    In fact, I actually did very little. I feel somewhat guilty for just sitting back while this whole thing started playing out. I could have gone public and told people that they were being scammed - that she was behaving with Munchausen-like symptoms. I had already received correct information from the Embassy. But her followers most likely wouldn't have believed me then. After all, I was the "alcoholic mother who beat her daughter, resulting in social services taking her away." I wouldn't have believed ME. She is very convincing.

    The sky is beginning to fall for daughter. During the night she blasted out on social media that she was suicidal. Thai police were contacted. They went to give aid. She was out riding her bike. She is now blaming me that she might be arrested and have to go to jail. The lawyer in Thailand wants to see a medical warrant issued. They will give some initial mental health assessment/care and then most likely deport her.

    Husband was up until 4 am - could not sleep. This is really taking a toll on him. We are making a pact that we will not discuss daughter at all. We are going to unplug our phone. She won't be able to leave messages. While men are growing out their moustaches for the cancer awareness, "Movember"...we are going to grow out our "Daughter Silence" for this month.
  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Now is the time for you and your husband. Your marriage needs to be first.
    My husband and I used to argue over "what are we going to do with difficult son" Our thoughts did not always align. It really took a toll on our marriage. One of the best things we did was to start going for drives on the weekend, just get in the car and take off. We had on rule, NO DISCUSSING DIFFICULT SON. That alone time really helped us to reconnect.

    Do something, just the two of you. Dinner and a movie, a walk in the park, a drive in the country. staying home in your PJ's all day, something, just the two of you.