I'm Frustrated

[mom_to_3]

I just wanted to let you know, that while I spoke the words to you I did, I also have a 20 yr. old easy child daughter. She had been dating a guy for a little over a year. Initially, I thought he was a good kid and I had no problem with him or their relationship. I'd say in the last 6 months or so, I "noticed" things he said and did just kind of rubbed me the wrong way and I noticed a change in my daughter. We have always been close and able to talk freely to each other. When I did talk to my daughter about some of this, I noticed that she was no longer "open" to hearing what I had to say. I could sense her shutting down and she would get snippy with me. Very unlike her.

As it turns out, he was very controlling and was telling her things so that she felt she did nothing right in his eyes. She recently broke it off with him. I am so happy! I was getting a little concerned that they were going to get married. OMG! My daughter only told me that he was controlling, etc. AFTER they broke up.

She has told me that she feels great relief now that she broke it off. She also told me that she didn't talk to me, because she knew I was right and she knew what she had to do, but just didn't have the guts at that time. It was a confusing time for me too.

 

[Shari]

I'm kinda jumping in late, sorry.

I have a thought on the "not at my house" rule. This might be wrong, so others, pipe up. I'd actually change it to "one more blow up here and then no boyfriend at this house". Its almost a setup, really, to get them to see first hand that you aren't kidding anymore, and the cops can come to your house, so they'll surely be sent to his. Just my thoughts.

Otherwise, I'd keep a journal of the blow-ups, and after a few "cycles", see if you can't find a survivor to have sitting at the table with milk and cookies to talk with Nichole some evening. Let them chat, and then you've done what you can - it will have to be Nichole who decides when enuf is enuf.

Hugs. So sorry.

 

[susiestar]

Lisa,

I am so sorry. this is such a scaary situation to see your child in.

the question that popped into my mind is "what is he taking?" I don't know for sure if he is using drugs, but it sounds like a typical ingredient in this mix.

I would never ever give warning that I was sending police.

I would also say, as a condition of living in your home, Nichole has to take anger mgmt or whatever classes at the domestic violence shelter. Here it is called Family Services and they have a range of services. Call them, see what they offer, and then when you have the journal with a few months of info, go out for a ride with Nichole and end up there.

This is NOT going to end with-o serious counselling for Nichole, or a real tragedy.

I also would support calling CPS next time you know something is going on. Maybe even letting Nichole know she can spend a bit more time in your home as an adult IF she leaves him (and does her other stuff, of course) and gets help from the DV shelter.

Nichole wants to be a good mom. Does she know how scary it is for the baby to see boyfriend treat her like that??? And, no current custody means she can easily get a TRO and custody (or that is how it works here), as he has NO proof of paying child support.

Hugs,
Susie

 

[Hound dog]

The journal is going well. boyfriend is in the sweet phase, but even then some of the things he does are only to make him appear so. He told Nichole yesterday he wanted to take Aubrey to a little farm here where they have a petting zoo type area and a farmer's market. He knew Nichole would say no because the weather was very chilly and rainy.

Aubrey's 2nd birthday party was today at boyfriend's parents house. I sat on the fence for days about whether I should go or not. But the rule was MY house, not his, and this was my grandchild's birthday for pete sake. So we went and had a great time. boyfriend's family, other than his mother, are wonderful people. Aubrey had a big day.

I had something reinforced today that I'd noticed several times before. boyfriend's parents remind me of Nichole and boyfriend. Only the roles are reversed. Weird. I dunno if their relationship is as volitile as the kids, but it is definately very similar. (sort of spooky) boyfriend is his mother's son to the Nth degree. sigh

But to see Nichole and boyfriend at the party you'd never dream there was any drama. (now if that could only be the case) boyfriend's family adore Nichole as much as they do Aubrey. And they don't hesitate to tell us how much they care for her.

It's awful but I'm sitting here waiting for the bomb to drop. Holidays and birthdays are the worst for this.

But Aubrey was the lil Princess today and was spoiled accordingly.

Susie I'll look into the anger management at the DV. That's a good idea.

On a side note: Nichole filled out her FASFA and has enrolled for fulltime summer classes. Notice I'm not excited about this. I think it's a good thing. But my Hope button is worn out for the moment. I'm just watching to see how it goes.

Hugs

 

[ScentofCedar]

He's got her convinced it's all her fault, if she'd just change it would be hunky dory.

Nichole is terrified of adult responsibility and of raising Aubrey alone.

I think these two pieces go together, Lisa.

These are classic symptoms of the emotional abuse, the softening of the victim's perception of self-efficacy, that must precede escalating physical abuse.

Without that softening, without that change in self perception, none of us would accept the victim role.

This is the piece that explains why we stay in abusive relationships, why we feel we cannot make it, alone in the world.

I agree with Meowbunny's suggestions that you contact the police when the boyfried calls you. What he is doing when he calls Nichole's mother is taking her last bastion of support away.

He is drawing you into his very nasty game.

Whatever problems Nichole has had in the past, he is using them now to freeze her in place.

If Nichole is a reader, there is a series of books about the emotional aspects of abusive relationships.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out by Patricia Evans

This author also has a website you can access (or Nichole could access) which might help shed a little light on this abusive male's modus operandi.

www.verbalabuse.com

Once Nichole understands a little more about where he is coming from, two things can happen: First, Nichole will have been given the first tools she needs to begin combating the feeling that the horrible things this dork is telling her about herself are true and secondly, she will realize she is not the only one who trusted someone not to hurt her and then, finds herself in a relationship with someone whose only aim in life is to hurt her.

Nichole can come back from this, but right now her defenses are down and she is not thinking right. She believes what he has been telling her about herself. This is a crucial part of the game the verbally abusive partner plays, in any abusive relationship.

I am so sorry this is happening to your daughter, Lisa.

It must be breaking your heart.

Barbara

 

[donna723]

Lisa, I'm coming in to this late too, but I've been reading along. I completely agree with everything Barbara has said.

Is there any chance that you can get her to agree to see a domestic violence counselor? Even if you have to threaten to throw her out if she doesn't? If there is a group in your area, they'd be very happy to talk to her and it could make a world of difference in how she sees things. It can be a real eye-opener. If she won't talk to them, YOU go and get all the information you can. Nichole may have her problems but boyfriend is taking advantage of it and he is showing all the classic signs of being an abuser. The circumstances may be different but the tactics that abusers use are amazingly similar. It follows a distinct pattern and when you actually see it all spelled out in front of you, it's like a revelation!

He has convinced her that it is all HER fault and that HE is blameless, that everything would be fine if only SHE would shape up. And he's doing his best to convince everyone else that it's all HER fault too, thus the constant phone calls to you 'tattling' on her every move.

He is extremely controlling of her. He is keeping her isolated and dependent on him. She can't (or won't) drive, he comes to get her to stay at his house " what does she do there all that time?? He's making it very difficult for her to go to school … getting her education would make her self-sufficient and possibly no longer dependent on him, and she will meet new people in school which he would also perceive as a threat to his 'possession' of her.

He is 'messing with her mind', constantly going back and forth, keeping her off balance. After so much of this, you are so confused that you don't know which way is up any more.

He has completely undermined her confidence and her self-esteem and has convinced her that she is incapable of getting by and raising her child on her own. She thinks she could never get along without him, and that's exactly what he wants her to think.

And besides the verbal and emotional abuse, he has crossed that line in to physical abuse. He feels justified in using physical force against her, enough force that he's leaving bruises, when she does not comply with his wishes. He feels so justified in getting physical with her that he calls YOU and tells you he did it! THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO JUSTIFICATION FOR HURTING HER!!! And this could escalate beyond just bruises. An abuser will do whatever it takes to maintain the power and control in the relationship.

And, of course, the very worst part is that the little girl is right there witnessing the whole thing. She will form her ideas about relationships between men and women from the example that she gets from her parents. And right now she's learning that women are supposed to be weak and compliant, and feel worthless while the man is the powerful one in control of everything.

Yes, Nichole has her problems, but when you really look at it, a lot of the problems could have been caused by being involved in this abusive relationship for so long. If she could ever get away from him for long enough, you just might see a huge change in her!