I'm going stir-crazy with difficult child's career stand still

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SuZir, May 21, 2013.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    So is of course difficult child but I didn't expect to become this impatient. But of course I do hate waiting and fretting (and I'm excpetional talent in fretting.) difficult child will change teams this summer, that much is clear. To where and even when is another question (hopefully soon, but...) And when he will be transferred it will be in short notice and could even be abroad. He does have the right to decline any trade so he will not be transferred to somewhere he really doesn't want to, but at this point he is about ready to accept anything. The transfer he did hope for didn't happen and he was very upset because of that. I wasn't, I think it would had been a terrible fit for him emotionally even if it had been tempting for his career.

    There are few options that do consider him but many things depend from other transfers and signings so those are still wait and see. He also does have back up option that sport wise would be rather good to this situation. Lower level than his last season team but good coaching, loads of playing time and good opportunity to regroup and get his self-confidence back. Good, bit bigger city than his current one (meaning also more resources), closer to home and close to many other places. That is all well and good and if he didn't have his issues I would be very pleased about that option. But this would be short term stay. At most a season, but he would be in selling block and also available for shorter term rent all the time so absolutely no stability which would make it very challenging for his continuing treatment.

    And he absolutely needs that treatment. That city is close enough (about two hours, two and half during winter) to his current city that he could keep his psychiatrist, but he certainly couldn't keep his therapist. He normally has therapist appointments twice a week and during this latest crisis thrice a week. Some they have done through Skype but that would not be effective for all the time. He does need (and responds well) to this specific kind of therapy, trauma centric CBT with exposure elements. Especially the exposure elements need to be intensive and difficult child needs to trust his therapist for those to work. difficult child doesn't trust easily. When he will change therapist, it will take time for him to build trust to be able to continue those parts of therapy.

    He has talked with his therapist about the situation. He will anyway continue with his therapist till end of June. Even if it ends up being through Skype. But what then? He has funding for two and half years of intensive therapy and he has used a year from that. His therapist advised him to think if he wants to use that time to build trust again and again to new therapist while changing cities or if he wants to take a break from exposure elements and only do stabilising, supportive elements till he knows he has chance to go to same therapist for longer time. If he chooses to take a break he could just see therapist for example every two weeks or something like that and that would be something he could afford without funding. And he could find a new therapist he wouldn't need to trust quite that much or he could do that with his current therapist through Skype and maybe occasionally driving to current city.

    husband let difficult child know he shouldn't make his decisions based on fear of running out of funding before graduating from therapy. If that happens we will pay his therapy if needed, but of course that doesn't take away the emotional toll to having to find a new therapist and building trust, and moving and finding a new one etc.

    Some of his other options (if they pan out) would provide more stability and I really do hope that would happen. But right now we really do not know and it really stinks.
    Last edited: May 21, 2013
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I wish I "knew" what the best choice was for your family but all I knowis that I am rooting for you all. Hugs. DDD
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's difficult to wait when you have no idea what the options will be, and it must be especially difficult on difficult child right now. Is there a deadline where these decisions have to be made by or can it go on for a long time? Sending supportive hugs.............
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    DDD: I don't know the best choice either. Especially when we don't have the options yet. Of course, if he would ask me, I would be tempted to tell him to quit/take a break from sport, sort his mental health issues and after that; pursue other career paths. But I do know that he would regret doing that. And he certainly is not willing. And even if he would do that, would it help any? It would certainly take some stress and pressure off, but would it also take off his motivation and his stubborn manner of keep putting one foot in front of the other?

    RE: We don't have exact deadline except that CBA induced summer break/independent training period starts late June and ends in the end of July. difficult child is not going back to his current city after the break. He has given notice to his landlord that they will be moving out before the end of June. If nothing else, his deadline to accept the backup plan is middle of July. But of course, if he accepts backup plan, he may be shipped to anywhere in very short notice till end of January.

    Of course it is not like he would be sold as a galley slave. No one will take him in and pay for him just to make his life miserable. And difficult child himself has adopted rather pro athletic attitude there it doesn't matter that much where you play. He would prefer options little closer to home than his current city (when you have one free day a week and night before that you are free earliest at 9 p.m. and day after that you have to be back 8 a.m. driving three hours to one direction just to visit home is something you are not willing to do that often) but is also open to options even abroad. And all the possible countries (well most of them at least) are safe and civilized western countries. Where ever he ends up, it will not be that bad. but waiting and uncertainty stinks. When we know the options, things can be worked out, I'm sure.

    Even if he chooses to take a break from exposure parts of his therapy, that too is okay, I guess. Just concentrating to stabilising his mental state, handling his symptoms better and improving his life skills and situation in therapy can't be that bad, can it? And we have already made sure he can keep his mental coach, who has been totally heaven-sent. Either paid by his new team, or if they are not willing, ourselves. Mental coach has promised to continue and teams showing interest seem to be willing to either pay for him or at least work with him. And he seems to even have somewhat sliding scale in his fees, if we end up paying ourselves.

    So all in all situation is not bad. It's just that I absolutely hate this uncertainty. And yes, difficult child has tough time with it too even though he tries to be pro about it and behave like it wouldn't concern him a bit.