I'm gonna remember all the things my "friends" and "family" have done to hurt me

[GuideMe]

This is not about difficult child. This is about the others.

My "friends" and "family" either all hurt me, back stabbed me, ignored me, bullied me, forgot about me and abandoned me at the times I needed them the most.

One day, one day, they are going to need me. One day. I am sure of this. And when that day comes, I will not be there, I will be like a ghost in the wind. There have been many, many , many years, mostly my entire life, where I would have forgiven them (without even having to say that they were sorry) and I would have helped them with everything I had, only to be left in the dust. It was a devastating feeling. I wanted to be a good person, I wanted to be that person, who forgave and be there for someone who was never there for me because it was the right thing to do. However, after much studying, I can say for sure and conviction that God would not want me to forgive so easily as I have always done. I allow them to walk all over me. That is NOT what God wants me to do. I know this will sound crazy to many of you, but I really feel that I have been getting a message from above regarding this issue. I feel it. I feel so at peace with my decision, the decision that if they were to ever need me, that I would ignore them and treat them as they have treated me. I don't feel wrong for that at all. I get the message from above that, that is what I have to do. They need to be taught a lesson, they need to suffer consequences for their actions, they need to know how it feels; they need to know in order for THEM to grow and if I gave into them very easily, they would never learn and I would hinder their own growth as a human being. I never felt so at peace with a decision. Not only do I feel it's a message from God, I feel like it's an order. I truly mean this. In the past, I would feel so guilty, so terribly guilty for even THINKING this way, but now all that has really changed. As I said, it feels like an order to me from God for me to obey. I never received a message so clearly.

The only problem is, I need to remember it when the time comes. I forget things so easily, so very easily at times and that is my downfall. I pray to God, if this is indeed what he wants me to do and I know that it is, that when the time comes that they come to me for help or anything at all, that he strikes me with a fiery sword of instant memories at the very moment they come to me and let the flash backs of what they've done to me, come pouring into my mind like an angry waterfall, a waterfall that the bravest being wouldn't dare jump into for it would break them in half and then into a thousand more pieces, at that exact moment let me remember it God. Let me remember at that moment as clear as those nights when I'm all alone, alone in my bed, memories.... not allowing me to sleep or forget, tormenting me. Do not allow me to forget Dear God when the time comes. Let them walk away feeling what I have felt all these years, ten fold and let them feel it twice as long as I have.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh,honey, I so understand how you feel. And I don't blame you.

But I want to just maybe toss this out at you.

Anger hurts nobody but US. It is better, in my opinion, to let go of the anger and move on with our life. If something comes up and somebody was unkind to you and you don't want to bear the burden of taking care of an abuser of yours, just don't do it, but not in anger. Don't do it because it is not in your best interests to be around them. So many people take care of their abusers until the end, hoping for love, but it doesn't work so I agree with your premise. I just would not do it to "get back" at them.

When my mother had brain cancer I did not visit or help. She had cut me out of her life and been cruel even before that. I allowed my sister, who had a relationship with her, to do that. She grumbled about doing all of this herself, but my mother and I had no relationship. I did not feel badly about letting Sis do the work. Like you, I won't be there when you need me if we have never had a relationship that was warm and loving. But it isn't out of anger or revenge. It is because I want to protect myself and I'm not a martyr. Or a hypocrite.

Your abusers are not worth the emotion of anger because it takes up too much of your time. Enjoy your life. Don't waste time on them. You also don't owe them anything. But I would not be thinking that I'm teaching them a lesson or anything like that. I think that I am like a stranger and that it is not my place. I refuse to let my abusers put hate and anger and revenge in my heart. I won't give them that power over me.

Hugs and try to feel peaceful tonight.

 

[GuideMe]

But it isn't out of anger or revenge. It is because I want to protect myself

The anger is what drives me to protect myself. I feel very strongly and concrete in my conviction and how I should handle things if things arise, and in the end.There is no doubt in mind. I am clear as crystal on this and the message I am receiving from above. As for the anger, it is what it is. It's hard to forget when it's thrown up in my face time and time again, just like tonight which led me to write this message. Anger is what I need to feel right now. Anger is a natural and necessary human emotion at times. Maybe ten years from now I will feel differently, but right now, this is how I am feeling and should be feeling. I took too much for far too long. It's time for this. Just like they have never doubted or denied themselves on how they have felt; Neither shall I anymore.

Sometimes justice needs to occur in order for one to forget or forgive. I have yet to receive any justice thus far in my life, much too long, and if there was ever any justice, it was very, very little. Not necessarily justice by my own hands, but by the universe's hand.I hope God arranges their harvest in such a way, they'll know it's because of exactly what they did to me.

 

[SuZir]

The anger is what drives me to protect myself. I feel very strongly and concrete in my conviction and how I should handle things if things arise, and in the end.There is no doubt in mind.

I feel for you. And am so very sorry you are hurting. But unfortunately anger isn't a very good base for anyone. Sometimes it may get us started or give courage to take an important step, and I hope that is, what it does for you, but in longer term it doesn't do us any good.

You need to take good care of you and protect yourself, but not out of anger or in hope of revenge, but out of love for yourself. You have an obligation for yourself (and your Creator, if you believe such way) to take good care of you, be kind to you and make a best of what you have been given. If you need to protect yourself from your family and friends, then you need to and you have to do it, but still their sins are between them and their deity. Do not waste your precious life to wait some cosmic right, it may happen or it may not, but you need to do right for yourself. And if others have to been kind and trustworthy to you, 7you need to concentrate on at least you being kind and trustworthy to yourself.

 

[BusynMember]

'Being driven by anger causes emotional thinking and does us no good.

If you believe the way you do, let God take care of it. You go on living your life, be happy, avoid those who cause you pain (it's the best way) and leave your anger behind you. Although a lot of bad happened in my life too, so did a lot of good. I grew and matured by the "bad" stuff and my life is better than those who abused me. That is my "revenge" if you want to call it that. And they will never know it either, but that's ok too.

Think of it this way: "Anger drives our difficult children and they never get anywhere good.

I don't remember why you won't go to a therapist, but I again highly recommend one. If you find the right fit, you can really learn coping skills that right now you still don't own.

Hugs and have a good day.

 

[Hound dog]

Anger is normal and can be a good thing. It can help us see things & people the way they truly are.........and in that way help us heal. It can also help us set up boundaries.

I totally , totally get what you're saying. I've been there.

However, you must also come to realize that you are not like your family. You are your own person. And from your post, I can tell you are not the type of person that turns there back on those they love when they are needed. You must learn to balance letting people learn from their mistakes and live their own lives with being the person you are and helping when it is truly needed. Otherwise, you will have issues forgiving yourself for not stepping in.

I've stepped back nearly completely from stepdaughter katie. At nearly 35 there is nothing I can do to actually "help" her that would not contribute to the life she has chosen which is going to lead her straight to utter disaster. Will I be there if she truly needs me? I honestly, at this point, don't know. It would depend upon the circumstances. I do know it would take something very serious for me to consider stepping in.

My mother has hurt me endlessly from as far back as I can remember. The older members here can tell you that not that many years ago I swore hell would freeze over before she'd ever come to live with me. There is not even a maternal / child bond between us. However, she has been living with me for 5 months. Why? Because she needed me, and the bottom line is that she is my mother. It's not been easy. But had I not stepped up, I'd not have forgiven myself. That is the person I am, which has nothing to do with her. I've learned to accept that.

Your beginning sentence to this post is the story of my life, especially when it comes to my family.

As I've aged, I've come to realize some things. I am so unlike my family that I wonder how I came from the same gene pool. (I'm serious) If someone needs help, I'm there. But I have learned the art of walking the fine line between truly helping and enabling someone. If my family had not treated me as they did, and others along the way, I might not ever had learned that valuable lesson. Being hurt by helping forced me to learn to step back and view the situation differently.

I've also learned to view my family members objectively as the actual people they are as well as WHY they are the way they are.

I stand outside of my family circle. I always have due to circumstances beyond my control. I view them realistically and do not have unrealistic expectations. When I give of myself to help someone, I don't do it with any expectations whatsoever. (that is harder than you think because many such expectations are on a subconscious level) I've learned to give of myself because it is who I AM, because I want to, nothing more. I am true to me. And I have found happiness because of it. I have boundaries. I don't just give of myself willie nillie without stopping to look at the circumstances.

I released the anger when I realized the lessons I was learning from others even though they were unaware of what they were teaching me. Everything happens for a reason. I won't enable someone, but if they truly need me, I will be there. That is who I am.

You have a right to your anger, which is also pain. Allow yourself to feel it and learn from it, then let it go.

(((hugs)))

 

[BusynMember]

And I don't think we owe anything to our "relatives" whether they need us or not, if they were cruel to us. Nothing. Some people who were abused end up being the caregivers in the end and that will never be me (we are all different). I don't feel I owe anyone more than they gave me. I am always there for those who were there for me. We owe one another nothing. That's it.

But I also don't turn my back in anger. It is what it is. If you made it clear I was nothing to you but a screw up...find somebody else when you are in need. It is just a thought, not something I ruminate over or give much time to. I am not a martyr or a hero. I am just a person who is not going to give large chunks of my life to my abusers anymore. They can find others to help them or get involved in the system.

At the same time, I won't give them the power to make me feel guilty or upset either. I was always the go-to person for those in need...my siblings, my parents...all who treated me like crapola. I tried to help and got blamed for what I did. That part of my life is over. I have let go. I am not coming back. Life is too short to take care of sick relatives who have treated me with nothing but contempt. To me, that is just not going to happen.

You aren't wrong, Hound Dog. I don't think I am either. We just have differing ideas on what to do with needy, sick, old abusers. I would go along with GM, except for bothering with the anger. Trust me, they have and will find others to care for them. It does not have to be me, as I would not expect them to take care of me.

 

[Wiped Out]

I've got to agree with the fact that holding on to anger isn't good for yourself. I find when I can let go of my anger I feel more at peace with myself. That doesn't mean it is always easy (although I think I have an easier time of it than many as I just feel so miserable when I am holding on to anger that I usually don't do it for long).

I do think if it is easier not to be involved with people that can be healthy but I really do think letting go of anger can be healing (at least for me) and I don't do it for the other person but for myself.

 

[Signorina]

I have a very complicated relationship with my family that is even more complicated due to working in a family business. I don't want to go into details but my dad - for me - held all these self serving personalities in check so that we could and did function as an extended family while he was still alive. Since he died 7 years ago- the dynamics have changed for the worse.

As the youngest (by 8 years) I emulated their behavior somewhat. I thought that treating fire with fire or hurt with hurt or suspicion w suspicion or outbragging, outsmarting or outdoing each other was the way to deal with it or even to win.

But that's not who I am and when I acted that way, I didn't like myself very much. In fact, I was emulating the very behaviors I found so very distasteful if not downright unlovable in them

 

[GuideMe]

I'm good everyone, thanks for all the input. As I said, I have received the message from above, clear as crystal, and no one's opinion rises above the God's opinion for me, no offense to anyone. I have never felt so confidant and clear headed on how I should handle the situation, should it ever arise. Not one single iota of doubt. What is the complete paradoxical of doubt? Because that's what I feel right now, so utterly clear and convicted and that is an understatement. Thank you though.

 

[pasajes4]

Are you taking any medication for the bipolar? If you are not, I would be very cautious about any thoughts or decisions you are making right now. They tend to come back to bite us on the rump.

 

[GuideMe]

Pasajes, I'm fine ,lol. But thanks for your concern.

. My only plan is to do them what they have done to me, which is turn away and abandon them (and maybe give them a piece of my mind a bit before I do turn away) like they have done to me if they should ever need me. Of course, I think they need to feel the same pain as I have from that abandonment so they can finally be humbled and do it no longer and also, that would give me the justice (the justice that I talked about in my earlier comments) that I need. I definitely will not help them or open my arms to them as I have so many times before, that is fore certain. I think if I did help them or welcomed them back in my life, I would interfere with God...nature....with their own spiritual and human growth. Just like difficult child's, you can not enable people that have hurt you before. They take advantage and after they get what they get, they leave just as quickly as they came. No more. I admit, my wording in my first post was pretty strong, I was pretty angry. Forgive me if I upset anyone. I was just venting. I should have been more clear that all I meant was, I forgive too easily and I use to feel really guilty for even thinking I would turn my back on my former friends or family members in need. I use to wrestle with this all the time.There was that part of me that said "F--them, I will never be there for them. I don't want nothing to do with them ever again" but I fought it because I felt extremely guilty for thinking that even though they did what they did to me.Back then, and through out most of my life, I said I would forgive them and be there for them whenever they need me because in the end, Jesus wants me to be a good person and not be like them. However, I feel differently now. I feel it is completely fine with God that if they should ever need me or want me back in their lives, that it's OK for me to say no. I need to say no. And sometimes, I have to really drill that into my head because I am such a good person and forgive way too easily. Sometimes I have to let my anger sweep me and use strong words and beliefs to counter act the big part of me that wants to be a big walking doormat and a pee pee & poo poo pad. Maybe it was not as hard for you all as it was for me to stand up for yourselves and not be poo poo pad as I was, but it was extremely hard for me. I allowed myself to be a doormat , abused, bullied by everyone....for a very long time. So even with the most seemingly minor thing, such as being able to walk away and not help someone who has hurt me, I have to be very strong in order to do that. I have to be very strict with myself because as I said, I tend to forget and forgive VERY easily in the moment. That is why I pray to God he strikes me with a well memory, I pray to God to let the memories, memories that torment me from all the pain others have inflicted on me, flood back into me at the exact time that someone comes to me so I can be strong enough to say NO, NO, NO. My painful memories are very tricky. They are around most of the time when I don't need it and when I do need to remember them they quickly disappear. I want and pray for the opposite to happen, so this way I can be strong when I need to be.

Now, that will be my last time explaining it.

Oh and MWM I do not question the message or the sender. Not one bit.

By the way Pasajes, this is completely off topic, I asked you a question several times before in your other posts, but you never answered? I thought you were ignoring me lol. But now that I know you are not, when is your son getting out? You never answered.

 

[BusynMember]

GM, I think what you said makes perfect sense. It is exactly what I have done, only I don't care if others feel pain or not. I doubt others who hurt us feel the pain we do or they couldn't hurt us the way they have because if they had those types of feelings, how could they have done what they did to us? So I just decided that my energy will go to those who really did have a care for me and if others don't feel the hurt I felt, I don't really care. It is irrelevant to me. I don't like to hurt other people even if they hurt me. To me, it is taking the higher road. As long as I get out of Dodge, that is all that matters to me.

I did not help my mom when she had brain cancer. She did not ask for my help. IF she had, I would have said, calmly, "You have XXX and YYY to help you. You are not alone. Bye." But that's all besides the point. She didn't ask for me.

I didn't jump in and offer to take the burden off my sister who was doing it herself (she was the one who had the relationship with my mother, after all, and she lived in the same state as my mother). Although this may sound absolutely horrible, I am almost sorry I went to my mother's funeral. There was no point. I didn't know her anymore, due to her own wishes, and it was a long trip. I did not feel anything except a bit of anger when the rabbi started talking about her being a beloved grandmother. But, in all fairness, she did play grandmother to my sister's kid so it was true. Now my own kids were totally ignored, but it was still not a false statement. And my kids did not go, since she wasn't a grandmother to them or anyone they could have recognized if she had still been alive.

My mom hadn't seen my kids or even sent a birthday card for years.

I did not shed a tear. The only emotion I remember was sadness because I hadn't really had a mother and this person who had passed on was not my mother in any normal way.

The "family" (DNA collection) invited me to eat with them after the funeral, but hubby and I declined.

It is hard to miss somebody you hadn't known for over ten years and who treated me like dirt before that.

And, as it turned out, she slapped me from the grave too. I have no guilt at all about not offering to help my sick mother. She had my sister and a nursing home and my brother when he felt like flying in from NJ. In the end, her brain was gone and she didn't even know who anyone was. It was a bad way to go. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and did not wish it on her. But I also was not going to visit her at the nursing home and amuse her. I *did* do that for my BFF who died young of cancer...we were like true sisters, the way sisters SHOULD be. And I cried forever when she died. But my biological mother? I felt a bit guilty that I had so little emotion. Life just went on and I did not grieve. I have no pictures of her either. I gave the few I had to my son to show my grandson if he was ever interested.

 

[GuideMe]

I agree with everything you said, except, I do wish them to feel the same pain I felt. No more , no less and no different. I want them to feel exactly what they have made me feel and the only way to do that is to disappear when and if they need me the most. Whether or not they can actually feel that pain, I really do not know, I agree with you that it's possible they could not, but they also could. I imagine if they ever came knocking on my door, it must mean that they were pretty desperate and if I turned them away, they would have absolutely no one. They would have to suffer with whatever it is they were suffering with, all alone which can be worse than the fifth circle of hell itself. That in itself would bring pain, and deservingly so. That would be more than enough justice for me. I hate to say it, but that would make me feel a hell of lot better. It would actually take my anger away and then I would be able to truly and sincerely forgive. It wouldn't be the forgiveness we talk about now a days such as we see on Oprah. For example, Forgive them for yourself, not for them , it will take away your anger. I tried it and it never took away my anger. In all honesty, that's blah, blah, blah talk to me. It's easy for Oprah to say that because she became a billionaire, famous, well respected which hence, righted all of the wrongs ever done to her. She's doing amazingly well. No strife. However, other people such as myself are still in strife. Still suffering. I also whole-heartedly believe that forgiveness is actually for the other person which is the way I want it to be. If I have done some one really wrong, I want them to forgive ME. I want to be able to TRULY forgive that other person. So I feel in order for that to happen, some karma needs to happen. Karma also means justice. I also need to feel that they were truly sorry for what they have done in order for true forgiveness to occur. That's just ME though. I don't expect anyone else to feel this way, just saying how I feel. Once they go through the storm and they come out on the other side, and if it made them a better person, I would actually even consider being their friend again, of course, with MAJOR boundaries in place.

I know it's hard for many people to understand me, but I've lived a very hard and excruciating painful life and still am. The suffering has never truly ended for me. I never even gotten a break. I am not trying to play the "woe is me" violin, but I am not going to dismiss it either, my life and story counts just as much as anyone elses. I don't even have a husband, a SO, no friends, health is poor, I have pain in places you wish to never have pain in, I lived on the poverty line most of my life. And that doesn't even cover the abuse I had to endure. I know you have lived a very hard life to MWM, but please don't take this away from me right now. I am just asking for understanding. Get to know me a little and why I have the opinions I have and say the things I've said. I have found comfort in this forum and invested a lot of myself and eventually. I wish for a time in the future in here, that I do not have to explain myself. That you all just "get me".

I do apologize though, I re-read the original post and I could see how it came across. I have such a hard time communicating things correctly the first time around. Probably a big problem I have in "real life". But that just goes back to no one really knows me and therefore, don't get me.

 

[pasajes4]

I am not ignoring your question. Only the state of Texas has that answer. I am not saying that you do not have reason to be angry at these people. I believe you when you say you had a divine message. I have been reading your posts for awhile and have observed your anger and frustration becoming more intense. My concern is the toll it is taking on you. I would not want to see anything happen to you. JMTC





I

 

[GuideMe]

I am not ignoring your question. Only the state of Texas has that answer. I am not saying that you do not have reason to be angry at these people. I believe you when you say you had a divine message. I have been reading your posts for awhile and have observed your anger and frustration becoming more intense. My concern is the toll it is taking on you. I would not want to see anything happen to you. JMTC





I

Oh ok, I tried communicating with you before and asked you a couple of times, and never a response. I wasn't sure. And thank you, I appreciate that. I really do. At a certain point, I am going to have to live my life the best I can and be happy in spite of things.

 

[BusynMember]

I don't have the power to take anything away from you, GM. Most of us have had hard lives. My kids have had bad things happen to them too. It's just that we think differently. I do not care of particularly wish anything on anybody. I just want to continue to move forward and live a great life myself. To me, if you are talking about revenge, overcoming your obstacles is the best revenge. You are young with plenty of time to turn your life around, but you can't do it alone. Nobody can suffer what you have and do it alone. Like most of us, I feel you would do better in therapy. I know, I know. You don't like it, but you haven't tried it for a long time. And in my opinion it is far more healthy and makes us far more happy to concentrate on ourselves and the rest of our joyous lives than to worry about the angst others may face. It is very possible nobody will ever come to your door needing your help. Then what?

If you are seeking revenge, I understand (I do), but you will face it at the cost of having a happy life. There is no reason for somebody your age not to find a SO and have a nice family. I found my wonderful husband around your age and until then had never lived in normalcy, although my attitude was never quite like yours (not saying it was better, it was just different). I was and always have been focused on ME and MY life and those who were unkind to me have affected me deeply, but I really pretty much let them go in my mind. I consider each one a teacher...my father and mother taught me how NOT to be a parent so that my relationship with my kids are so much richer and more loving, even with my difficult child (Lalthough it hasn't always been that way with him). My compassion for others is off the charts. I have a good heart that never quits and I don't know if I'd have that if I had been brought up not understanding how others can hurt. So much good has come from much bad. I consider it a draw.

I just would love to see you learn how to love yourself and to make a happy life for yourself one day, rather than focusing on the bad. And I KNOW you had valid bad. But you can turn a negative, even a horrible negative, into a positive. You can decide others who went through what you did and hold their hands and be there for them. I've done a lot of that. It feels good.

Hugs and lots and lots of good wishes to you.

 

[GuideMe]

It's not that I am against therapy, it's just the therapist I had thus far ....suck. I invested a lot of time and energy into a few therapist, but they were just horrible. Except for one therapist, but I couldn't afford more than one session with her unfortunately. I haven't completely written off. I guess I can start seeking it again, but that will have to be in time when I can afford it. I would never turn down good therapy.

 

[GoingNorth]

GuideMe, I have read and re-read your post and debated whether or not to respond to it. I have decided to respond, perhaps against my better judgement.

I'm going to keep it short and sweet. Until you can let go of the anger and bitterness, you will not know happiness in your life. Revenge will not bring you happiness or closure, just a feeling of emptiness.

I hope that someday you will see this.

Anger is an emotion that poisons the bearer.

 

[GuideMe]

It's ok Going North, you can respond. However, revenge, justice, or karma in the form of turning my back on them as they have done to me (exactly in that form) it won't make me feel happy, none of this crap makes me feel happy, I am beyond sad it had to be this way. Who is happy about any of this? But it will make me feel satisfied and will bring me closure. It won't fix everything , that's for sure but it will give me something. Will it ever happen? Maybe, maybe not. In any event, I plan to do many other things with my life and one way or the other. I plan and hope to overcome as much as I can. I am not holding my breath for any of this to happen. I must go on one way or another. I wish there was this much fight and stance going on here against me and how I feel, against those who have hurt me or hurt others....because those people don't give a flying damn in the least what anyone thinks, they just do what they do and they hurt and they hurt because they don't care. No one opposes them as much as much as they oppose people who feel like myself just because we wish to see them get some karma or have SOME sort of consequences for what they have done. I am getting much grief for just feeling the way I do and just planning on doing the most minor of things (compared to what they have done to me) which is abandoning them and (giving them a piece of mind) as they have done to me. Oh my god, let's notify the troops. It's not like I am going out of my way or on a hunt to inflict grief and hell on these people like they have done to me and never would do that.

Now, if you all don't agree with my sentiment, that's fine. I am not forcing you to feel how I feel, and you're not going to force me to feel how you feel. I've explained myself and then some. I appreciate the consultation and the advice, I do. I am open to it, but when it is being repeated time and time again and I have to repeat myself time and time again, there really isn't any point for this to go any further. This is how I feel, this how I'm gonna feel no matter what anyone says, I don't believe I am wrong for feeling the way I do and frankly I'm tired of people telling me wrong for how I feel. That's it. End of story. Period. Now I'm going to go clean, eat some dinner and watch some movies for the night. I will no longer be replying to this thread.