I'm gonna.....

[Shari]

SCREAM!

I just need to scream so I can move forward with my day. Its a deja vu rant, so bypass if you'd like.

I do NOT know what I am going to do with my husband. I mean, this man was not like this 2 years ago, and I mean, I'm about to pull my hair out! He used to help me keep th living room spotless. Now the whole house looks like a tornado hit and he totally doesn't care.

I have stopped cooking when the kitchen is so full of dishes you can't find a space on the counter to set a glass. And all I WAS asking for was that the dishes be rinsed since we have to hand-wash them right now. NOT THAT HARD, PEOPLE!!! But nothing. When the sink gets full, he stacks on the stove. When the stove gets full, they go to the cabinet. When the cabinet gets full, they go to the table... Nothing. Laundry has waited 2 weeks now. The towels are in a pile on the floor in our bathroom - we've been walking on them for every bit of 2 weeks.

He sat down in front of the tv one night with a laundry basket with a small load of whites. Over the course of the next 2 (that's right, TWO) nights, he sorted and matched socks, and put HIS away. The rest laid on the living room floor.

A week ago Sunday, easy child 1 and I finished sealing the camper (which ended up having to be redone - the sealant we used was bad). We're supposed to go camping this weekend, so we had to get it done. When we got it done, I changed the spark plugs and wires in the car, the oil in the car, the oil in my truck, and the fuel filter in my truck. Know what husband did? Drove the team.

Camper had to be resealed, so easy child and I have been doing that the past 2 nights after work. husband did fix fence Tuesday night. Last night? I don't know what he did earlier, but he was in the house in front of the tv by 7. We're supposed to go camping this weekend. No one even has clean clothes to pack. Or towels. I came in the house covered in sealant and he had the gonads to ask "what's for supper". And I let myself snap back "whatever you want, I'm not cooking."

I've talked to him, I've made lists, I've pleaded, I've stopped doing, I'm desperate, and I'm so dang mad I could spit nails.

I did wash enough dishes for me and the kids to eat off of last night (husband bought pizza as opposed to having to do anything). While I washed the dishes, he picked up the clothes that have been lying on the porch floor since he brought them in from the truck a month or better ago. But if I'm not working INSIDE that house, neither is he, and I'm about to blow a gasket. I ask him "how would you feel" and he says he wouldn't be happy at all, he couldn't/wouldn't do half of what I do, yet he won't help any more. Why? He's not really into the housework thing.

He left for work yesterday and left his dog in the house. If she stays in, she eats everything she can get ahold of. Outside she has to be in the kennel cause she kills the chickens. I guess I was just supposed to put her up, huh? Along with feeding the old horse, the chickens, and getting difficult child up and ready and to school??? I love having that old horse for difficult child, but I wasn't the one that went down and bought it. But I help difficult child to take care of it. I love the fresh eggs, but husband wanted the chickens, too. And he thinks he'd like another KID? What the &^%$ ever.

And we have an old fishing boat. It needs a new water pump. easy child 1 took MY truck to be inspected last week because I can't get it done without taking off work. Turns out husband took a day off last week, but didn't bother to tell me. Probably cause he knew I'd make him do something. But anyway, easy child took the truck for me and one of the guys at the station works on boats. easy child wanted to take the boat to be fixed. He was going to pay, just needs the ok from us. husband won't let him until his truck transmission is fixed. The new trans is ordered, we're waiting for it to show up - what the he77 does his transmission have to do with easy child 1 fixing the boat so he can use it? OMG I am so mad.

Throw in the family outcast party from the funeral Sunday, and I'm telling ya, I'm fit to be tied. And even if its not the tv, he's doing something else as equally worthless. Tuesday while I was on the camper, he as building a hitch to put on the camper so he can "pull something someday, if he wants". Yeah for the hitch, but how about we repack the bearings that are a year over-due on it before we make it possible to hook another trailer on behind it! Sorry guys, I'm just fuming mad.

And what's gonna happen when I have surgery in a month!!!!

And he says I'm not as much fun as I used to be. YA THINK?????

 

[gcvmom]

Sounds like he's depressed, for whatever reason. I'd be ticked too. Scream all you want! I'm right there with you My husband has similar issues that leave me banging my head against the wall...

 

[hearts and roses]

He sounds incredibly depressed. I mean, clinically not just a simple case of eposodic depression.

When my H 'checks out' of our family life in the way you're describing, it's depression settling in. My H has it now. I went to the DR, I am taking my medications, I am forcing myself to be involved and do the normal things I do, make plans and interact with others. My H has not.

H works, comes home, eats, showers, puts on the same darned pair of blue sweats and either reads or watches tv for about 35 minutes and then falls asleep. If I wake him to come to bed, he asks for a blanket and sleeps in his sweats till about 2 AM.

I work full time during the week and lately, I've been working longer days - it's been a crunch. Anyway, on the weekends I try to get all my errands and chores done quickly so I can have Sunday mostly free except for dinner.

Well, this weekend things just got fouled up and I spent a majority of my weekend doing chores and errands. At the end of Sunday night, as I lay down to sleep (FINALLY), it occurred to me that my H did NOTHING all weekend for the house/home. NOTHING. All week, all he did was take the garbage out twice to the outside can and once to the curb. I did all the washing/drying/folding/putting away of the laundry, all the dishes, all the cooking, all food shopping, and all cleaning of the house, bathed the dogs, plus all my banking and errand running.

H asked me late Sunday afternoon what I was making for dinner and then said, "A pie would be nice" in his sugary sickeningly sweet voice. I turned on him and asked, "What did you do this weekend?" He gave me that blank stare that makes me want to smash his face. I did not make dinner, or a pie.

Anyway, I just wanted to throw out the question of possible depression and send a hug - I totally know how you feel. My H is depressed - he always is from February until April - but he refuses to see anyone or do anything about it. Instead he usually delves into his outside work and makes us all miserable. I can't sleep at night from all his hopping and bopping around.

 

[Shari]

Thanks guys. I hadn't thought of him being depressed. You're right, but how in the heck will I ever even get him to consider it? Wow...this is the guy who comes from a family that still can't beleive someone has to pay child support for their adopted kids when they get divorced....

I know I'm not alone...husband's just don't see things the same as wife's. I try not to complain. I really do.

But I gotta do something, EVERYONE on difficult child's team is concerned as to how much longer I can carry this load. Heck, I am concerned about how much longer I can carry this load.

I waited for husband to change the oil in the car when he started driving it after difficult child 1 left. I even bought the filter, oil, and ramps in January. Left them in the backseat. I waited until 10 days ago. That means that the oil in that car wasn't changed in 11 months. And probably close to 12,000 miles. This can't go on.

 

[hearts and roses]

How is his diet? What is he eating? Does he eat healthy and if not, can you try to incorporate better foods into his diet? Perhaps there are dishes that you can slip things like Flax oil and Fish oils into? Does he eat fish? Does he move, you know, exercise at all?

Can you take a quiet moment and without arguing or turning red in the face, calmly tell him that you think he may be depressed and needs to see his DR? I had said that to my H and he flips out. BUT, out of the blue the other night he said "I think I'm depressed" and of course I was *thinking* "Duh, ya think??" Instead, I said, "Perhaps you should call Dr R and go see him". H grumbled, he probably won't go see him.

Shari, you have more than just the simple running of a household going on. You're out there fixing trucks, changing oil, running around, running a farm basically, transporting, etc. That's a heavy load to carry all by yourself while having a fully capable, able bodied partner in your life. He's not behaving as a partner should. Part of his responsibility to you is to take care of himself and if he's depressed he needs to see someone. That is what I have told H - he's not living up to his responsibility to me as my H. H knows it, but I think he's embarrassed and humiliated to see his DR about being depressed, as if it makes him less manly. Plus, my H will likely refuse to take any medications for it anyway. He thinks we're all crazy for taking medications and the stupid non-stop commercials on tv aren't helping my cause.

More hugs and support. I hope you can convince him to see the DR for this. It's worth looking into at least.

 

[gcvmom]

...but I think he's embarrassed and humiliated to see his DR about being depressed, as if it makes him less manly.

Our GP and psychiatrist have said that's a typical response from men. psychiatrist tries to present the problem in terms of life being too demanding or unfair to the guy, and anyone in his shoes would feel the same. Shifts the blame to outside factors vs. an internal problem, which makes accepting help a little easier to do.

 

[hearts and roses]

GVC, thanks. Perhaps I can present it to H in those terms, as if he's had such a tough winter, he's stressed about work, life has been very demanding, he could use a break, let's find a healthy way to get you feeling better and relaxed...etc. Currently, I'm trying to get him to go see his parents for Easter weekend alone so he can just soak up some sun, maybe play a few sets of tennis with his dad, you know, just unwind. I think that will help him as well.

 

[Shari]

I'm taking tomorrow off work. I'm gonna sort out difficult child issues, wash enough for me and the kids to camp, load the camper in peace, and try to enjoy the weekend trip with a little r and r before it happens.

easy child 1 and his girlfriend are going, I'm going to ask them to take difficult child for a bit this weekend so husband and I can have a chat. Thanks for the tip, gvc, about putting the weight of depression on an outside influence. not sure he'll go for it, but that's more likely than any other way...

 

[susiestar]

Have you thought about going to the dr WITH him?? My husband was really really depressed a while ago. After he cancelled 2 doctor appts, and went to one saying only that he had a sinus infection, I insisted on going with him. He griped that I didn't trust him to even see the doctor on his own. I agreed with him. We had talked about the problems (similar to yours), he had agreed to seek help.

I went, talked to the doctor and asked for some bloodwork (husband had skipped some stuff that age-wise should have been done, then switched docs and said it was done already). Not only was husband depressed, he had low testosterone. This is a fairly common problem as men get into their late 40's and up. The difference from the added testosterone was amazing.

Now my husband knows that I will go with him. If he wants to go alone, then he MUST talk to the doctor honestly, and bring up things that I feel are issues. I bring things up to my doctor when husband thinks they are issues, so it is fair play.

I am sorry things are so rough.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[klmno]

Well, I'm not married at this point in time and haven't been for a long time. But I have a thought.

Would he go to his dr if you told him, "honey, I've noticed this and this and this about you lately and I am worried that it could be your XXX (blood pressure, heart, fill in what you think he'll worry about) and I would feel so much better if you would go tell the doctor and have him check this out. I'd like to go too so I can tell him what I've noticed, but if you are more comfortable going alone, I'll understand." (Maybe you could even call the dr and give him a heads up if husband doesn't want you to go with him.)

I've been told that men sometimes "flip" if they think they might have a physical problem (I guess they don't view chemicals in the brain as 'physical'.) But maybe he would be more willing to accept and take a medication if the dr heard what was going on and explained it to husband.

Just a thought.. It sounds like you are going to find the straw that breaks YOUR back pretty soon if you don't get some well-deserved relief. (((HUGS)))

 

[hearts and roses]

Shari, I hope you're able to get that much needed R&R this weekend. Good for you for making the time to do this and get away. And I hope your chat with H goes well.

Susie, I really like the idea of going with H to the DR. I have suggested it many times with mine and the last time he had an appointment, I showed up! Unfortunately, H did not. And he never had his bloodwork rechecked. And that thing you said about testosterone levels being low - I think that is definitey part of what's been going on with my H for a long time now. If I bring up anything, though, he accuses me of trying to find something wrong with him...<eye roll>.

This has been a good thread. Shari - I hope you get some relief!!!

 

[Abbey]

Boy, oh, boy...do I know your pain.

I'm constantly amazed at how *I* unload the dishwasher, yet dirty dishes sit inches from it. I also have two laundry baskets, but husband's clothes sit again inches from in on the floor. He consistenly has 3 piles of clothes in 3 different areas. (He doesn't even know we have a laundry room.)

I clean the kitchen every night before bed. Since husband doesn't sleep, I get up in the morning and there are popcorn bags, cereal bowls...whatever littered everywhere. I would just like to one day wake up to a clean house.

Running a farm/ranch is BIG work. Lived it for 20 years. When I married ex-husband, they literally gave us as a wedding gift a huge chunk of land, 400 cattle herd, and a house. I turned it down. I watched all those years my mom taking the bulk of the work. Nada. Now I know why my grandmother had 18 children...help with the burden of running the farm.

I go on mini-strikes at home. It doesn't go so well as it drives me nuts to have mess, but easy child and husband don't seem to care. I sweat at the thought of someone popping by for a visit. I can hold out for a couple of days, but eventually end up doing everything just for my own sanity.

Right now I'm on parrot strike. We have 3 different cages in our house. All you have to do is PUT SOME PAPER DOWN OUTSIDE OF THEIR CAGES. It takes all of a few seconds. But, husband lets them out of the cages and they **** all over the tile floor. Now, you bird lovers will know that bird **** is like concrete. You can clean it up, but it takes 10X longer than if you just put some paper down!! We also have a long granite counter. He'll put all kinds of treats out on the counter for the birds (grapes are the worst) and let them munch down. Then...doesn't clean up the mess. Every day I swear I'm NOT going to clean it up, but can't stand the site of it in my kitchen.

I am quite sure that in 17 years he's never unloaded (or loaded) the dishwasher or done one load of laundry....washed, folded, etc. He claims he doesn't know how to work them. The man has a PhD in Physics, for God's sake.

I do know that he is clinically depressed. But, he refuses to get help for the reasons others have described. It's a 'man' thing. Believe me, I've tried and tried.

Ok...done venting.

Abbey

 

[Star*]

Shari,

If you could spit nails - YOU could mend the fence too.

Hugs - Have a good time camping! ENJOY the air.