I'm having a big resentment issue (long vent)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Mar 9, 2011.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    The PO in this new area where I live only makes home visits. State law/policy is that when a kid is in Department of Juvenile Justice and the plan is to return the kid to the parent, the PO has to contact the parent at a min 1 time per mo by phone and in person 1 time ea 90 days. Some follow this more than others- some don't care because frankly, what difference does it make when the kid is going to be incarcerated over a year? At our old location, the face-to-face mtg was always in PO's office. I don't know if it's this location or specific to my difficult child since they have parole papers indicating "family supprt needed" and they interpreted that to mean that difficult child wasn't getting enough support .from me instead of that it meant this family (both me and difficult child) need SOPPORT, but this PO says he HAS to do each face to face mtg at my house.

    I have to tell you- this sends a rage thru me that at times seems illogical but then I think about all the resentment it is bringing up in me. 1) this isn't cps and I am not the one on parole and my son isn't even living here, 2) this PO is brand new-of course because difficult child always seems to get the inexperienced or incompetent ones- had never even looked thru difficult child's file when it got transferred here and tells me that "difficult child will have a transitional period this time, that's why he has been assigned to be on parole and the transition plan is that difficult child will be on house arrest when he first gets released' , at which time I burst out laughing and told him he needed to review difficult child's file and see how well that worked last year....you know, the circumstances tthat led to this incarceration. 3) I told PO last time we talked that I would NEVER feel comfortable trying the same plan as last year given difficult child's two committing offenses were offenses he committed against me, with a knife in hand. PO told me he would look into a transitional/half-way group home yet has left me VM's and never gives me any response to that- he keeps leaving VMs telling me when he wants to come by. Well, I'm leaving him VMs back telling him when I can meeet with him instead because I can't take off work to meet with him. (Sorry, but I'm not willing to do that anymore after 5 flippijng years of this koi.) 4) All the POs in this state take the same approach, use the same phrases, etc- they hear you out but never change anything to really work together or do anything differently. They lie and say they will- "Oh, well PARENT, if things get to that point this time with your difficult child, then we will look into getting more services in place"- NO they don't- they re-incarcerate the kid- each and every single time. I'm so sick of hearing the same words from them and honestly, I would be an idiot to think this will help my son when it's the same exact plan they have been using for 5 years and it hasn't helped him yet. The last GAL told the court that there was nothing at home causing or leading difficult child to behave this way and I had been put thru the wringer already. So what's up with the home visits? If it's this way already, I hate to think what it would be like if difficult child was here, I'd be pulling my hair out between it all.

    Furthermore, I don't see a single sign to think that difficult child would do any better this time. I think difficult child has resolved himself to a life incarcerated except for brief intermittent periods when he can come back to me, walk all over me and do whatever he wants, until he's thrown back in. I am not going to walk down that road again.

    I was told in the last jurisdiction that I can't do a parental placement thru dss, meaning that I'd keep parental rights but could place my son in a therapuetic foster home, Residential Treatment Center (RTC), etc, because Department of Juvenile Justice has control of him- even once he's released because as long as a kid is on probation or parole, the courts control his placement not the parent. They have repetitevly told me that unlness Department of Juvenile Justice puts difficult child in a group home and more than likely, they will not, that the only other option is to turn difficult child over to dss and that means he goes to my bro.

    That has been used to make me jump thru hoops for 4 years now and it stressed me out so much that I lost everything over it. Of course difficult child was milking it for everything he could but so were the CSU (juvenile courts people- PO, GAL, etc). I guess I blame CSU even more than difficult child because 1) difficult child is a difficult child teen 2) when the adults who have authority for seeing that a kid gets rehabilitated see that this isn't working and the kid is getting worsed and this is only serving to enable him, they ought to have enough sense to change that approach, especially when they have told the family a million times that they will/do under those circumstances- but honestly, they only tell the parent that to get them to agree for the kid to come home, put up with PO requirements/orders on the family, etc. They have NOI intention of doing anything other than sending the kid back if they mess up.

    It just infuriates me and it seems to always come to a head when I get a VM from PO saying "Ms. XXX, I'd like to stop by your house tomorrow at such-such time and am calling to make sure you'll be home".

    I call back and say "I'm sorry, but I don't think I will be. I will be home on This Day at This time range if you'd like to come by then. Please call and confirm, also, please let me know the outcome of your research on a transitional placement for my son." And it never goes any further- just those same calls until he comes knocking on the door and I open it. No follow up on transiotnal placement or anything. Just the bobblehead when the parent says "I am not going to do this again".

    So all I know to do is find time for another one of my long l;etters to courts. lol. This one will be withdrawing my written agreement for difficult child to be placed at my home upon his release this time without going to a transitional placce first where he will be slowly integrated back into home and community and where we can get the family therapy while he's out of the home- like the psychiatrist and therapist recommended 3 years ago.. Will that actually happen? No. But I'll make it clear that this isn't due to abanodment or that "I don't want my child anymore" like PO said when I had that long talk to him about it. I was saying I did not think this was in either difficult child's or my best interest- to have the same parole plane as last year- PO turned that into "I don't want my child". AH. I was told the older PO documented things wrong and I know POs and GAL have lied and twisted my words around and I'm tired of it- thus, a letter makes that a little harder at least and I can copy difficult child in case someone else decides to tell him I don't want him or it's all my fault or whatever.

    Between my difficult child boss, my own difficult child who has told me if I can't trust him now he'll refuse to come home this time, and POs who "rule" by keeping an axe over the parent's head and now doing regular home visits like they're cps, I have completely crossed some line where I'm just fed enough and have to say "enough". I can only imagine how cps will react if they get an abanodment case over this, when they hear the details of difficult child's charges and all I've done to try to keep him out of my bro's hands. And the fact that I still am visiting and writing difficult child now. The best hope is that dss tells Department of Juvenile Justice that they are refusing to accept difficult child- so Department of Juvenile Justice has to find a place then.
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow - I don't even know what to say except I am sorry...............I understand and realize your frustration - absolutely.

    However, I wish you could somehow obtain hope? Hope that possibly difficult child will make a turn for the better? Hope that at age 15 he is still a child, and he may really change? Hope that somehow these people will listen, put him in a transitional home, and things will turn around. Hope, that possibly he will stop using and abusing you? Because without hope, than life is over.

    I am at a loss for words, other than I care about you and difficult child and I am sorry. I wish I had more to offer.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I can honestly say after eating a mouth full of pepper spray thanks to the incompetence of Dude's PO and that entire debacle of "let's raid the parents home" I feel your anger. It seems that you are explaining things well, and you wonder if they PO on the other end has the phone laying on the desk while you are speaking. Makes you kinda not want to talk at all. Which brings me to my next point.

    WHY speak? Over the phone that is. I mean - you CAN have your number blocked from certain numbers for a fee. And you can have your phone number changed and NOT give it out or have caller ID installed for cheap and if you see their numbers? Don't answer and don't install an answering machine. My point? Is......if they can't get you by phone they have to contact you by mail. I know this because - when I did the exact same thing? They called my place of employment. When I said "DO NOT call me here." The retort was "How do I contact you?" I said BY MAIL and I will respond in kind.

    I was told of course THIS was the reason for the raid on the house, however I do specifically remember stating IN person at the PO's office with the last payment 1.) This is the last payment 2.) Dude no longer lives with us I haven't seen him in over a month. If I do see him, I'll get ahold of you first. To which she responded to her commander - "Yes she did." Point and case.

    If you have it in writing OR explain you ONLY can accept written letters - maybe this would solve some of the problems you are having. Not everyone has a home phone - and you can't accept calls during working hours. (problem solved)

    As far as the why? Well - I'd probably be a little peaved too, mostly because I get so danged tired of no one listening and everyone saying "This is for so and so's good." In this instance I'd want THAT in writing. - If they won't put it in writing why they think having difficult child back in your house is the best plan A for him, and what is their plan B if plan A goes to the outhouse? Then I'd refuse letters too. RETURN TO SENDER. NO WELL THOUGHT OUT PLAN ENCLOSED. I'd read it, tape it back up and write return to sender right on the letter I taped up.

    Just a thought -
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think I might be tempted to do as Star says and change my number too. Or just get rid of voice mail so they cant leave a message. If you change your number and they get upset, say to them when they finally track you down...oh I sent it to you in a letter...lol.

    I dont know if having your son come home is best or not. I cant remember how old he will be when he gets out. I think close to 17 if I calculate correctly. Honestly for me, after all he has done now and with what you have found out, I dont think I could trust him coming home out the gate. I would push for a group home/half way house type deal. They have to have them. There are too many kids coming out of Department of Juvenile Justice with no legal guardians for there not to be group homes. I would let them threaten me with whatever because I dont believe for one minute that they would ship him out of state no matter what they tell you. It simply isnt gonna happen for the amount of time he has left. Especially since he will be on parole. Not gonna happen. Having two governmental systems (Department of Juvenile Justice and DSS) work on changing a custody from one state to another in a year or less with a kid on parole...nope...wont happen.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    They sound astronomically incompetent. I hear you.I have absolutely no ideas. I am so sorry.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    PO left me a VM on Wed. afternoon wanting to meet me at 4:00 on Thurs. He didn't answer any question or even mention the question if he'd ever lookeed into tranisitional placement like he told me he would. I left VM after I got home Wed for him, saying that I had taken off work a little early on Teus and had planned to take some comp time Fri afternoon, so I would not be able to take off work early to meet him at my house on Thurs. He could come by at 4:00 on Fri if he wanted, please call me and confirm if he'd be here. I never got another call from him saying either way and I was here yesterday at 4:00 but he never showed or called.

    As I've said before, I can see a PO telling a parolee that they need to be at home at a certain time or met the PO at said time on said day (unless it's always up to the parent to try to make that happen), but I can't see trying to call all the shots about day and time and meeting for a parent of a parolee when parolee is incarcerated and not even at home.