I'm hurting this evening. A lot. Does this ever stop?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PennyFromTheBlock, Oct 23, 2015.

  1. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    I haven't been here in a while (and I feel guilty for coming in my desperate time of need-but I have to do something).

    Background: my son had a baby with his girlfriend in August.

    He's the child of mine with many many issues. He met his match in her.

    Baby is two months old.

    She is abusive towards my son- has been from even before the baby was born (some I just found out as recently as yesterday). She's seriously a mess.

    I've tried so hard to help them. To encourage them. To try and be the calming force in our entire little family. I have a two month old baby who can't run, hide, or know that screaming isn't directed at him.

    He's just a baby. A little boy.

    Since he was born I have done all I could. someone has to. I've kept him about 5-6 total nights so far. To give him PEACE.

    About two weeks ago I decided I had had enough. ENOUGH. So, I started making a plan.

    My initial plan was to offer two options to them: voluntarily give him to me for minimum of 6 months- get yourselves together. If that wasn't going to work, then option two was I would call CPS as I left their home and let the chips fall where they may.

    So, I did my research. How that works- what happens, read through the handbook cps workers use - looked at their forms. looked up how the process works. I knew going in that I was rolling the dice- but listen (and in no way am I absolving my son of his role in anything at all).....I had to do something.

    My son got to the point that he had had enough. Enough of being choked, hit, scratched, hit with things thrown at him. He never called police because he didn't think they'd believe him. He wanted to be in the home with his son. His baby. To put his eyes on his baby every single day to ensure he was good. he was ok.

    I have to do a mini-chronology:

    end of sept: they are arguing, son calls me. I go over there with my daughter. I get them calm- ask what they are fussing about- about nothing (as usual). I tell them that they had done enough arguing for the evening, this is not a good environment for the baby- you all must learn to choose your battles.

    I leave.

    Get home, son calls back and I hear him say (I can tell there is something happening) "what, are you going to stab me with that? oh, you are going to hit me with that?"

    I hung up- dialed 911.

    No one went to jail, I talked to officer via phone and again when I arrived to collect my son to bring home with me for the night.

    next day, my daughter is moving, so son comes to help.

    his girlfriend is keeping tabs- and at one point actually wrote in a text to him that he must be f*&^!#$ his sister.

    *rendered speechless*

    Long story short- the NEXT day, she was sorry, sent an apology text to me and him and my daughter.

    He went home.

    Monday- this week. girlfriend works nights. So, he decides he has had enough. So when she left for work he packed up the baby and went to his sisters. He is on Birth Cert- there is no court order for custody at this point.

    Tuesday-he goes to Legal Aid to try to get help. Keeps son. She comes by and meets my son and the baby at my house before going to work on tuesday so she can see the baby.

    (they were not staying with me)

    Thursday - she talks him into letting her see the baby. He asks if she can do it at my house. I told him- you have to be there- you MUST. Otherwise she can take him because I'm not a parent nor do I have legal rights to him. He says she won't do that- didn't want it awkward with him there.

    She comes, takes her baby. Of course.

    I'm just heartbroken. I've tried and done so much for both of them- but alot for HER. I've tried to help her understand some things that she herself told me no one taught her- said her parents were drug abusers (they are) and were physically violent with each other when she grew up.

    I've truly done my best to be as impartial to all of this- be the calm voice, the voice of reason- my only concern is the baby.

    After that mess last night- I made that call. I had to. She terrifies me. I'm scared to DEATH that something will happen to that sweet innocent child.

    I can tell you that I have cut my son out of my life at points for my own sanity (thanks to you all last summer)- but i'm not willing to cash in my cards with this child. I'm not.
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh Penny, I'm so sorry to hear all this. Don't ever feel bad about coming back here - even if it's just to vent.

    I don't have grandchildren (thank God at this point) but you were right to be concerned and you certainly didn't do anything wrong. You've tried so hard. All I can say is he must get custody and to do that he NEEDS a court order. He could, perhaps, play nice long enough to physically get the child and then file for a protective order. Not the best and certainly not the most honest way to do it, but it gets it done. More than anything, he needs to get his rights established.

    I wish I could help.

    Hang on...more people with more knowledge than I will be along.
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  3. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    I can tell you that now, 24 hours outside of the events yesterday- I've whipped myself into a frantic crying state of mind. I don't see her physically hurting the baby (never anticipate that I guess) but I can totally see her lose her :censored2: and screaming at him. It's almost more than I can physically bear. I'm so afraid. I'm so so scared. I'm terrified that she will be able to be a victim (which she does quite well) and convince someone that my son is the crazy abusive person- she has (I forgot about that part) since all this gone and filed a report of abuse against my son. he had to talk to detective today.

    I'm so afraid. I have no money for an atty for him- he told me today the full list of all she has done to him- when he told the detective they said that he never called = never happened.

    my son is a lot of things. THAT is not one of them. Hell, she went to detective and gave a statement thursday morning and then texted my son later (before she came and took the baby) and wanted him to stay there this weekend with them (she's off).

    He's going to get railroaded. I don't have one single issue with him facing consequences if he did wrong. I did not raise him to do this.

    she knows enough to know a DV charge will exclude him from ever getting his baby.

    she doesn't care about this baby- she has always been MORE concerned with her RELATIONSHIP STATUS and my son than her baby.
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Penny, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am so glad you decided to share with us. We are always here for you.
    What a very difficult and heartbreaking situation.

    Is your son working? Is he able to care for the baby? It's good that his name is on the birth cert.
    If there is a way that he could use his phone to video her while she is on a violent rant then maybe the police would believe him.

    This young woman sounds very scary and I don't blame you, I would be afraid too.

    I'm sorry I don't have more to offer but know that I care.
    Please let us know how things are going.

    ((HUGS)) to you..................
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Penny,

    I am so sorry for all of this, it hits very close to home, having three grands from my daughter and her boyfriend.

    We have all been through the works. I know how terrible it feels, our grandchildren did not ask to be born into this.

    I know about making that tough call too (If that is the same call I had to make a couple times, if you know what I am talking about). But you know, that call could just be the one you needed to make, or need to if we are not talking about the same thing. Especially when your grandchild is a baby, because the folks out there pay more attention to babies.

    There are services to help young mothers and fathers, and social workers to check up on the baby. Making that call can start setting that up. Very important. If they think something is amiss, they require family counseling and can do drug testing.

    It is all so new for you, being a Grandmother. Please take care of yourself and take some time to breath. This can be so very difficult. It is important for you to keep your strength up, and figure out where you stand in all of this.

    We tried and tried to help. We found through the ups and downs and sideways of it, that the babies are their parents responsibility, the sooner they learned how to be parents, the better.

    Hang in there Penny. Saying prayers for you and the family.

  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Oh Penny I am so sorry. I can hear your love for your son and your grandson. I wish you could make all good things happen for these three people, but you know the truth is you can't fix or control the outcomes of adults who are legally responsible. You just can't.

    If you can, Penny, please clear your head and work to simplify your role here. Keep your options as simple as possible. Like call CPS. Or seek legal aid for your son so he has representation. Document her behavior as Tanya suggested. Or encourage your son to go and sit down with the police and document what is happening. Keep it simple for yourself because you can't save all of these people or really, any of them, and you will drive yourself crazy if you try to.

    Be kind to yourself right now. Step back and don't react to the next thing that happens. Wait. Let some time pass, even a few hours, before you respond.

    I can imagine how hard this must be when there is an innocent baby at risk. You may need to act to ensure his safety. That is paramount.

    We care about you. Please keep sharing with us. I am so sorry.
  7. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Thanks so much. I thought when it was just my son my life was crazy, but this is a whole other level. I have made a report to cps. I know I must let this process work. It's just very hard.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Penny, how awful.
    I was thinking that this sort of thing would happen with my new grandchild, as well. So far, so good. But she's only 3 wks old.
    I agree with-Childofmine. Document. Call. Arrange for an atty. Wash, rinse, repeat.:group-hug:
    I would definitely call cps if you haven't already. Seems like you could call any day of the week and be right on the money, with the way bmom operates.
    Sigh. My stomach is in knots just thinking about that poor baby.
  9. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Today's update. My son is also still who he is- and while he's not a woman beater, he is still HIMSELF. So while I caught myself, in this madness, doing internet searches on child custody, talking to detectives, all of that- I realized I had transported myself right back to last summer. Right to the point where MY life was in turmoil ALL THE TIME because he would not do the things he was supposed to do. The baby has changed parts of him, this is true. I know and have seen he is crazy about his baby. But it doesn't change who he is in his CORE. victim. And this morning, was in a text convo with him that pulled me back into his drama. Why? Why do parents of these difficult children do this? Do we think THIS will be the time we get through to them?

    He asked me for $20 last night. I asked what he needed it for (and while I do not have to explain MY finances to my son or anyone else- I am salaried and am paid once a month on the 1st- I'm ALWAYS broke at the end of the month- the little I DO have has to get me out of town and back next week BEFORE I get paid again- my kids KNOW this)....he couldn't understand why I was asking what it was for if he was going to pay it back. I told him even a bank asks what a loan is for- and if he didn't like being questioned, then he shouldn't ask ME for money. Then he LIED and said it was for a $10 oil change. Where, I asked? So he told me where, and I said- since when are they open on sundays? He told me (the degrees these types of kids will go to to make their story legig) that they do a 2 hour sunday morning special and he knows this because he's done it before.

    I got on their website. They are closed on Sundays.

    Now he needs it to give to his sister since he has been at her house since Monday night. I told him that if she needs something then SHE can ask me. Then he said she needed gas. I said ok, then she can call me, come over here and I'll go with her to the gas station around the corner and put $10 in gas for her which is plenty to get her to and from work this week (she lives literally five minutes down one street from her job).

    Of course, then it's "you never trust me" "why do you always argue with me when I ask for some help" "you are judging me"


    He was working a temp job which ended (two week job)- so I asked, while you are asking ME for money (nevermind that Tuesday I bought a belt for his car and let him fill his gas tank)- what have YOU done as far as research for the things you need to do (like, how do I get a GED? Apply for 50 jobs online and keep applying until something sticks).....

    I guess I believed that the "grind" in him would come when his son was born. The DRIVE to do anything and everything possible. I told him Thursday night, after all the broohaha- you need to get a real/perm job and FAST. Matter of fact, get two. Get three. Work 7-3 at one place M-F and 5-10 at another then get a weekend job. You will NOT get custody of your baby without good consistent income. Get your GED. You have to be able to get in front of a judge and SHOW (not tell) that you are DOING EVERYTHING YOU CAN.

    You have to be able to get your own place. There are small (not great, but in a decent area) apartments close to my mom that are $450 per month, all bills paid, furnished. He could swing this. He has to be able to show he can provide a roof.

    If CPS were to place this baby with me- my son sure won't be able to stay with me (and wouldn't be able to anyway- that will never happen again)- and if his sister is a co-caretaker, he wouldn't be able to stay with her either. SO GET BUSY.

    I don't get it.

    He doesn't understand that once his son was born, the baby went to the top of my priority list. My kids are adults. They can and should take care of THEMSELVES. Baby K cannot. So whatever I have to do for Baby K, I will do. And if that means I can't do for MY son, then so be it.

    ON TOP OF ALL THIS- last night he and crazy g/f were texting each other- and he did good- pretty much getting her to confirm and admit (in a roundabout way) that she knows he has never abused her or hit her. But she knows how to work him because she is as crazy as he is. Her main concern is HIM, not her baby. She has some serious issues- the more I look at this with a clearer mind- the more I see it- kinda like when I cut my son off and took off the rose colored glasses.

    Before you know it- he'll be right back over there- and they will be back to the same tricks- minus the baby. Because no way will the state keep him in that environment.

    This is just too much.
  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Oh Penny. It's so hard.

    And we never will. Another thing to accept.

    Yes, that is exactly what we think. Time passes, events keep on, and we think...this time...this time...because who in their right mind would keep on this way?

    And years can go by, and the merry-go-round just keeps on turning.

    You are going to be fine, because you see what is happening. Now you have to get back off the merry-go-round, and again, keep it simple. Forces.png
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Penny, that was hard, but you did the right thing. CPS will initiate a process in the system that will look at all angles to protect that baby. And, hopefully the parents will tow the line.

    I agree. You cannot save all of these people.

    Yes, keep it simple. The frenzy of this amount of drama is off the charts. I know, I have been there with not one but three grands.

    Hang in there Penny, please take good care of YOU. You are not alone.

  12. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    I have, today, after the crazy convo via text with my son earlier today- had a peaceful quiet day. Am cooking myself a Sunday meal (like, a real one!) and watching football. The first domino has been hit- so there's nothing to do at this point but wait. And pray. And hope against all hope that this will all work itself out.
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  13. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Update: Case is assigned, worker called me this morning. Car is in drive at this point. the knot in my stomach has untangled just a little- because now something will happen, one way or the other, and that gives me some measure of peace.
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Penny, that is good news.

    It might be a good idea to have a pen and notepad to jot things down, a timeline of sorts, people you talk to, caseworkers name, phone number, etc. That information is important in the hubbub of it all. Even a special file to keep documentation.

    Journaling is good, too.

    Just some friendly suggestions from one who has been down this road.

    It can all get kind of blurry after awhile, written reminders help.

    Take care dear and remember to do good things for yourself.
  15. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Update: So, it's been over a full week since any of us has seen my grandson. His mother is a sick sick individual. So she has been texting my son (and God Bless him- he is an imperfect person with many many issues to work out- but when it comes to his baby, he's so so in love) telling him all the 'new' things the baby is doing that he is missing. What a hateful individual.

    I'm trying to research attorneys that do payment plans- so at least he can get some visitation. They have both, as of yesterday, talked to CPS. She evidently told a multitude of lies (they talked to her first)- my son went and he was so despondent after he wouldn't even talk to me or his sister about what was said or what happened.

    I just don't understand all this- but everything I've read so far has indicated she is probably a narcissistic person. And you know how you deal with those kinds? You can't.

    She will RUIN this boy. She doesn't even have her five year old- that child has lived with her father since she was 2 years old.

    It's sad that fighting for your rights (on his side) is a money game. Who has this kind of money? Not me! Not him!

    The saddest is she has some false sense of 'control'. So she's being as ugly and spiteful as she can.

    So the knot is BACK and likely to not go away anytime soon. I hurt for my son, my daughter, and myself. I've felt helpless many times in my life. But this, this is something new. :cry::crying:

    Maybe I shouldn't have called CPS? I know in my heart that I truly felt like I had to. I know in my gut that it was the right thing to do. But was it worth it? I'm trying to convince myself that I made the decision I had to make at the time I made it. I'm imperfect, but God as my witness, I didn't call to be vindictive. I called because I was concerned and didn't know what else to do. I've tried and tried on my own to help them as best I could. I couldn't anymore. It's like, it's gone so far now, there is no turning back. I almost hoped they'd remove him- so they could get their own mess sorted out. I WANT them to coparent successfully. I really do. A child needs both of their parents - even if one is 'less than perfect'. And now I just concentrate on working and turning this 'off' emotionally so I can function.

    Then I get off work and sit alone wondering and worrying which is only making me SICK. I don't know what to do. I'm going to reach out to some counseling and work through some of this- but you know- I can't just pretend that it's ok and it is what it is. It's not.
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2015