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I'm in a prison again with our third baby, oldest son getting worse
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<blockquote data-quote="amelia d" data-source="post: 631718" data-attributes="member: 18177"><p>You are not going to want to hear what I say...but, just put it into perspective. My stepson was diagnosed with ASP after I encouraged his father to get him tested. My first experience with him was when he shut the door in the face of my daughter and me. That was 10 years ago(he was 8), and it hasn't improved since. There were never any friends or birthday party invites. I caught him look around and then splash the kid next store in the face repeatedly in the pool while this child cried. My husband is the kindest man you will ever meet. He lost his wife to cancer when his son was 5 y/o, so he never wanted to focus on issues. This child was raised by a single father and doting grandparents who spoiled him rotten, and never corrected his bad behavior. Does your son act differently with you and your husband? My stepson will do everything he can to oppose me. If I say it's black, he'll say it's white. If I agree with him, he'll change his answer. He will do things specifically to embarrass me, but then act like he doesn't now what the problem is. You mentioned in earlier posts that your son asks you questions he already knows the answer to..well, just wait until he's figured out how to google the answer. When he asks me a question now, I ask what he thinks. We both know it has become a game of how much more he knows about the topic, and how he can make me seem stupid. I have learned a couple of things over the years. First, he'll never be that warm, friendly son I would have hoped for. Aspergers kids (and adults) lack empathy . This doesn't mean that they don't understand how to piss people off..trust me, he's very good at it. Second, he will likely never accept me as his mother and third, he will never admit he's wrong. He lies when given the opportunity to tell the truth; and he is not a good liar. He is exhausting, manipulative and very often mean. Deliberately. Your son will likely not change. It used to make us sad that he had no friends and seemed isolated, but kids with aspergers don't view things the same way. I don't think he cared as much as we did. He has been in therapy for years, with no real improvement. Occasionally he'll have a friend, but it never last long because everything has to be on his terms. On the flip side, he has a blind, misplaced sense of loyalty to certain people on his mother's side of the family; though they've never treated him well.The one thing that I have been told multiple times is, "you're the adult". That is somehow supposed to both empower me and give me the patience and desire to keep trying with a child who is pretty unlikable. But the advice is not wrong. I should be able to extend him more patience and show more encouragement with him. But as you know, living with the constant negative response feels like you are always wearing a heavy coat..no matter how warm it is. Try keeping your interactions with him short. Read him a story, or let him read one to you. Let him decorate a cookie (don't sweat how crazy it is). This is not a child who is going to respond to long term goals. Short, specific and enjoyable will make you and him (probably) feel better.</p><p> I would get both him and the infant to a doctor who is willing to run tests that will rule out any physical issues. Then move on to mental and psychological issues. As you probably know, they likely will treat only the symptoms (our boy was on anti-depressive medications for a bit, then adhd medications (made him more agitated ). As they move through school. accommodations can be made to help them succeed. My biggest joy was his acceptance to a college that will move him out of the house. His condition and our dysfunctional relationship has caused stress and pressure on everyone in the house. I believe it is one of the reasons my daughter is now having problems with drugs. My marriage is always stressed. Best of luck to you and your family..sorry this is so long.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="amelia d, post: 631718, member: 18177"] You are not going to want to hear what I say...but, just put it into perspective. My stepson was diagnosed with ASP after I encouraged his father to get him tested. My first experience with him was when he shut the door in the face of my daughter and me. That was 10 years ago(he was 8), and it hasn't improved since. There were never any friends or birthday party invites. I caught him look around and then splash the kid next store in the face repeatedly in the pool while this child cried. My husband is the kindest man you will ever meet. He lost his wife to cancer when his son was 5 y/o, so he never wanted to focus on issues. This child was raised by a single father and doting grandparents who spoiled him rotten, and never corrected his bad behavior. Does your son act differently with you and your husband? My stepson will do everything he can to oppose me. If I say it's black, he'll say it's white. If I agree with him, he'll change his answer. He will do things specifically to embarrass me, but then act like he doesn't now what the problem is. You mentioned in earlier posts that your son asks you questions he already knows the answer to..well, just wait until he's figured out how to google the answer. When he asks me a question now, I ask what he thinks. We both know it has become a game of how much more he knows about the topic, and how he can make me seem stupid. I have learned a couple of things over the years. First, he'll never be that warm, friendly son I would have hoped for. Aspergers kids (and adults) lack empathy . This doesn't mean that they don't understand how to piss people off..trust me, he's very good at it. Second, he will likely never accept me as his mother and third, he will never admit he's wrong. He lies when given the opportunity to tell the truth; and he is not a good liar. He is exhausting, manipulative and very often mean. Deliberately. Your son will likely not change. It used to make us sad that he had no friends and seemed isolated, but kids with aspergers don't view things the same way. I don't think he cared as much as we did. He has been in therapy for years, with no real improvement. Occasionally he'll have a friend, but it never last long because everything has to be on his terms. On the flip side, he has a blind, misplaced sense of loyalty to certain people on his mother's side of the family; though they've never treated him well.The one thing that I have been told multiple times is, "you're the adult". That is somehow supposed to both empower me and give me the patience and desire to keep trying with a child who is pretty unlikable. But the advice is not wrong. I should be able to extend him more patience and show more encouragement with him. But as you know, living with the constant negative response feels like you are always wearing a heavy coat..no matter how warm it is. Try keeping your interactions with him short. Read him a story, or let him read one to you. Let him decorate a cookie (don't sweat how crazy it is). This is not a child who is going to respond to long term goals. Short, specific and enjoyable will make you and him (probably) feel better. I would get both him and the infant to a doctor who is willing to run tests that will rule out any physical issues. Then move on to mental and psychological issues. As you probably know, they likely will treat only the symptoms (our boy was on anti-depressive medications for a bit, then adhd medications (made him more agitated ). As they move through school. accommodations can be made to help them succeed. My biggest joy was his acceptance to a college that will move him out of the house. His condition and our dysfunctional relationship has caused stress and pressure on everyone in the house. I believe it is one of the reasons my daughter is now having problems with drugs. My marriage is always stressed. Best of luck to you and your family..sorry this is so long. [/QUOTE]
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