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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 633971" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Your responses gave me a lot to think about. I must say, the recognition and "allowing" that came from all of you was very buoying. The responses also gave me some insight into my own reactions...so thank you all, Lucy, Child, MWM, Pasajes, Sweetmama, In a daze, Cedar, Annie, Albie, Dammit, and Seeking (nice to see you again!)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Lucy, I love your loving heart, but in all honesty...I am not sure this is true. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You know, there was no one drama. It was the water torture that did it. In the fall I think my detachment (and my engagement with the board) came with his second jail term, or right before it when it became obvious he had learned nothing from his first stint in jail..somehow I always thought that jail would be the magic "hitting of rock bottom" we all think about hope for and dread as the turning point. The fact that it wasn't was hard to swallow.</p><p></p><p>But nothing dramatic happened this time. I just wore right through. I have a couple of pretty but cheap cotton skirts I wear in the summer instead of jeans...and they are wearing through. They aren't splitting at the seams or zippers..they are just threadbare in places. I am threadbare. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, I have thought that for a long time. It is so much easier to deal with definites...I hear over and over on the forum people wondering if it wouldn't be easier if they were just dead (I suspect it would not be, but who knows). We are not given to have definites here. I am going to go back and find Pema Chodron's book on "living beautifully with uncertainty" or something like that...that might help.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is true. And helpful. One day at a time. I don't have to commit to a lifetime of this posture. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>and that, and all the versions of that that follow from others, is everything. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is part of it. I see that he is a stranger. I don't love any strangers, I don't miss them or worry about them. And somehow my son has become a stranger. Its partly because he lies to me about every little thing...how he feels, where he is going, what he does, what his plans are. EVery little thing. So there is no way to know him. There is no there there. He is a stranger to me now. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you for the embracing warmth. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you. This helps so much. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No. There is nothing left. I kid myself when I think I see it. He knows I was looking for it, too, and he uses that. People have been telling me for years that he is manipulative, and I flat out thought they were wrong..but I see now that he uses my memory of that sweet boy to manipulate me by pulling up his shadow sometimes. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, this is partly right. It has been a long long process of letting go of what could have been. I see now that he has very few options, really maybe none, to have a good life now. So I am out of "what could have beens". No more yearning for that...maybe that is part of why I feel so empty.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This has helped me before...as did Cedar's image of lighting a white candle, which I did a few times over the winter...I guess... for the most part..for now...I just don't care. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yup!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is very (sadly) wonderful that so many of you understand. My friends and siblings cannot possibly understand. I can't even say it to them. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This feels very authentic to me. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Right, as with Cedar...this feels true. He is a stranger. I am threadbare. It is like a wintery wood. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I almost hate to think this might be temporary, although there is relief in that too..I'd like to think maybe I have closed the door on all that struggle and grieving. But yes, you are right...I may circly through another gyre, another stage. That is helpful in its own way. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is my truth too. A lot would have to change. I can't even define what, but I'll know it if I see it. But I won't see it.</p><p></p><p>I told Child in a different post..I feel a bit like Rhett Butler...I really think that Scarlett just completely burnt him out till his feelings for her were cold ash, not even sorrow, not even grief or loss. I think he was sorry his grand passion was over, and he felt a bit sorry for her too. but he was done. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.</p><p></p><p>But I'll go to Nar Anon anyway, to find what comfort I may and to learn more about myself and how I walk through this world. As in the post MWM started about our own roles in this...I too have been ill, or at least askew, and probably not only in my role with difficult child. Maybe that is his legacy to me...to learn how to be my healthiest in my other relationships.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 633971, member: 17269"] Your responses gave me a lot to think about. I must say, the recognition and "allowing" that came from all of you was very buoying. The responses also gave me some insight into my own reactions...so thank you all, Lucy, Child, MWM, Pasajes, Sweetmama, In a daze, Cedar, Annie, Albie, Dammit, and Seeking (nice to see you again!) Lucy, I love your loving heart, but in all honesty...I am not sure this is true. You know, there was no one drama. It was the water torture that did it. In the fall I think my detachment (and my engagement with the board) came with his second jail term, or right before it when it became obvious he had learned nothing from his first stint in jail..somehow I always thought that jail would be the magic "hitting of rock bottom" we all think about hope for and dread as the turning point. The fact that it wasn't was hard to swallow. But nothing dramatic happened this time. I just wore right through. I have a couple of pretty but cheap cotton skirts I wear in the summer instead of jeans...and they are wearing through. They aren't splitting at the seams or zippers..they are just threadbare in places. I am threadbare. Yes, I have thought that for a long time. It is so much easier to deal with definites...I hear over and over on the forum people wondering if it wouldn't be easier if they were just dead (I suspect it would not be, but who knows). We are not given to have definites here. I am going to go back and find Pema Chodron's book on "living beautifully with uncertainty" or something like that...that might help. This is true. And helpful. One day at a time. I don't have to commit to a lifetime of this posture. and that, and all the versions of that that follow from others, is everything. That is part of it. I see that he is a stranger. I don't love any strangers, I don't miss them or worry about them. And somehow my son has become a stranger. Its partly because he lies to me about every little thing...how he feels, where he is going, what he does, what his plans are. EVery little thing. So there is no way to know him. There is no there there. He is a stranger to me now. Thank you for the embracing warmth. Thank you. This helps so much. No. There is nothing left. I kid myself when I think I see it. He knows I was looking for it, too, and he uses that. People have been telling me for years that he is manipulative, and I flat out thought they were wrong..but I see now that he uses my memory of that sweet boy to manipulate me by pulling up his shadow sometimes. Yes, this is partly right. It has been a long long process of letting go of what could have been. I see now that he has very few options, really maybe none, to have a good life now. So I am out of "what could have beens". No more yearning for that...maybe that is part of why I feel so empty. This has helped me before...as did Cedar's image of lighting a white candle, which I did a few times over the winter...I guess... for the most part..for now...I just don't care. Yup! It is very (sadly) wonderful that so many of you understand. My friends and siblings cannot possibly understand. I can't even say it to them. This feels very authentic to me. Right, as with Cedar...this feels true. He is a stranger. I am threadbare. It is like a wintery wood. I almost hate to think this might be temporary, although there is relief in that too..I'd like to think maybe I have closed the door on all that struggle and grieving. But yes, you are right...I may circly through another gyre, another stage. That is helpful in its own way. This is my truth too. A lot would have to change. I can't even define what, but I'll know it if I see it. But I won't see it. I told Child in a different post..I feel a bit like Rhett Butler...I really think that Scarlett just completely burnt him out till his feelings for her were cold ash, not even sorrow, not even grief or loss. I think he was sorry his grand passion was over, and he felt a bit sorry for her too. but he was done. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. But I'll go to Nar Anon anyway, to find what comfort I may and to learn more about myself and how I walk through this world. As in the post MWM started about our own roles in this...I too have been ill, or at least askew, and probably not only in my role with difficult child. Maybe that is his legacy to me...to learn how to be my healthiest in my other relationships. Echo [/QUOTE]
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