I'm new here- 18 yr old son- 5150 extended 14 days for first time-desperate mom

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rekamama, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. rekamama

    rekamama New Member

    Hello there,
    Well I'll try to recap my situation as short as possible. I'm desperate for any parental advice from other parents like me.

    I'm a divorced single mom of 3- my son 18 (just turned 18 and graduated high school this year) and two girls 16 and 12. I have always been very close to my kids- all of them would confide in me about life issues, drugs, grades, and dating issues. I am a teacher and have always spent my summers off with them. I was the PTA mom, soccer coach, baseball board member....very involved. All of my kids are very loving, bright, very high IQ scores, and also suffered a tragic divorce 4 years ago. I left their father after the last time of physical abuse.

    Since my divorce my ex has slowly distanced himself from all the kids with odd actions. (like inappropriate behaviors and blackmailing the kids if they didn't do this or that). However, he treated my son like a buddy and would confide in him for advice and tell him stories about me (some totally made up and others spun to make him look like a hero or victim). My son even had a melt down in Feb. this year because he told me his dad was lying to him and he caught him making up odd stories about me being mentally ill and having affairs. My two daughters, after this situation, have now cut their dad out completely after trying to speak to their dad about their concern for their brother and getting no help. Yes- myself and kids are in therapy.

    My son- he was 5150'd last week on Thursday- told they extended it another 14 days. He stated he wanted to kill himself to his girlfriend after 100 phone calls and texts within a few hours. He said he had a gun and was going to shoot himself. This was the 2nd time he did this that week so the girl called the police. The girlfriend called me each time because his father wouldn't answer the phone. I told her to call the police- as what else could I do?

    My son had a problem with wax (synthetic THC made with butane) 2 years ago. He attended a public school and was depressed. Once I figured this out I needed to save him. I put in therapy, got him a psychiatrist, and moved him to an all boys private hs. He didn't hang out with his old friends for a year and had new ones. He flourished at this school academically- but completely stopped playing baseball which he loved and was very good at and played since he was 5. So I figured fine- he can just work part-time or play other sport (I was thinking to keep him busy- out of trouble). The next 2 years he was emotional on days, being treated for ADHD, and regularly attended his therapy and school. However, he became very lazy. He just wanted to chill and hang with friends and not work or play sports. His once vibrant personality was slowly fading. He still was very charismatic and sweet to his sisters, teacher, and usually me. He began to distance himself from his dad. I thought it was a normal phase and overall he was getting better- at least off drugs.

    This year at the end of senior year April 1st actually he started to date a girl that was his best friend's girlfriend. He experienced stress at school because of this. He completely fell in love with her or was obsessed/in lust. She made it clear to him she didn't want a boyfriend but they could hang out. Since then his obsession with her started to make him full of rage at times. He started to steal from me to buy drugs for her and presents. He started using again. He started using acid, NyQuil, LSD....he started lying to me everyday and ditching school to be with her. He would no show to pick up his sister's from school. On May 12th (her birthday) he had a 10pm curfew. He picked a fight with me (he became violent and pushed me and tried to push me but punched a wall) and left my home all night to be with her. I think he was desperate as she was out with another guy. He went to his father's house (it's garage he lives in and my kids have never slept there before). He has not returned since.

    Since then he refuses to speak to me. He states that I am responsible for everything and is now listening to his dad again- he is under his control completely. His father's only messages to me were that I did all this and I need to stop harassing my son. (once agin I have no contact with my son) He refuses to see me or the girls at the mental hospital. I suspect his and his dad's statements at family group in the mental facility are the reason he extended 14 days longer today- they both stated that I somehow hacked his phone and sent the suicidal texts to the girl and he did not. That I somehow did this- not him. At least according to my grandfather and dad who were there.

    I am so very worried about my son. I learned he did not detox when he arrived on the 5150 and didn't have much in his system. So now I am worried he has some sort of mental issue (bipolar?).

    Has anyone else experienced this? I just don't know what else to do. My dad feels that I am his scapegoat and he won't get help till I have nothing to do with him (like decline the girlfriends calls as that was my only connection to him).

    Please help
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Wow I am sorry for your troubles. My son acted very much like your son did with eqch and every girlfriend he has had (3). He threatened suicide numerous times and the crisis team has shown up and deemed him not in a state to harm himself or others. My son during these episodes was taking drugs pot and opioids and cocaine. I was very concerned he had an underlying mental illness. He is being assessed by a psychiatrist, but has calmed downs significantly with the decrease in drug abuse (I believe he is only smoking pot and infrequently, I do not condone this).

    It sounds like your son may well have an underlying mental illness and if so he is in the right place to have this looked after. If they have extended his form they have had good reason.

    Doingdrigs will upregulate mental health disorders. A mixed issue is tough on everyone.

    Stay well and healthy yourself, know that your son is safe and no one is buying the story that you hacked his phone.

    Best of luck hope and prayers to you.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What a sad mess. I suspect its the drugs...and his age. And divorce also causes rifts and often the kids take sides and it isnt always fair. It is not always with the kibder parent who was always there. Logically it should be, but often its not.

    Your son is an adult under the law. You cant save him. I think its best to give him space. There is little to nothing you can do until he wants to quit all drugs and see you again. Does it make sense? Probably to him, in his drugged mind although he is forced to be sober for this short time. He has used drugs for at least a few years most likely. Addiction is a stand alone mrntal illness. It makes one crazy, mean, immoral, totally different from before.

    Your son is in a mess that only he himself can choose to change. It is common for addicts to blame one or both parents for their problems. They sure dont want to blame themselves...

    I am sad for you, but you have two daughters who need a functional mother. Dont let your son consume you over the girls.

    Relationships with parents commonly change as the kids get older and not always for the better. The boy at 14 who happily told Mom everything may feel he needs space from Mom at 18. And boys do need a father. Your ex sounds awful, but he is the only father your son has. It is often easier for the parent of the same gender to relate to grown kids, although there are no guarantees.

    One last thought. If son feels anger at you hearing about him from girlfriend, if itwere me I would not talk to her. That only angers him and causes worse alienation. Son will tell you what he wants you to know. Or not. Its really up to him.

    I am so sorry for your sad heart. Try being good to yourself and keep going to therapy. You have done all you can. Your son at least is being protected in the hospital. Hugs!!
     
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    Last edited: Jul 31, 2017
  4. rekamama

    rekamama New Member

    Thank you for the response.

    When he was here with me I could tell if he was using....he was when he left my home and I knew this from checking his phone- which I do about once a month with all my kids. I always just look for danger on their phones and he had it- all over. Now I am so worried his dad is contributing to the his diminished mental state.
     
  5. rekamama

    rekamama New Member

    I did tell the girlfriend not to contact about him anymore as I needed to protect myself and he was only getting angered by her contact.
     
  6. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Give him all the space he wants, otherwise it will only get worse. Theres nothing you can do. Just wait it out from afar
     
  7. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Firstly welcome! I am so very sorry you are going through this. I agree with the others that right now you need to care for yourself and your two daughters and give him some space....in fact lots of space. My son changed quite a bit in his teens , was suicidal and had to be removed from the home because of violence. He changed because of drugs. His drug use brought on other issues and sadly in his later twenties he was diagnosed with a serious mental illness. When I reflect back on that time, if love could have saved him from his own actions it would have. However the drugs took over, changed his personality and thinking. Your son needs to want to get better, and get sober. You can make yourself crazy thinking you can fix or save him. You cant. And all of the emotional energy you are using, will be lost on your daughters. Know that you are a good mom. They need you right now too. But more importantly be kind to yourself. These types of challenges can sometimes make us question everything. There is a great article on detachment on this site. Please start to read it. Think about it. and when ready try to practice it. Your son will always be your son, and will come back to you IF and When he is ready. Sadly we have no control over when that will happen. Hugs to you!
     
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