I'm not mad, just annoyed

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Jun 17, 2012.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Late this week, I asked difficult child if she was going to be around, she said yes, so I asked her if she wanted to join H and I at a friends BBQ for their sons grad-they are like family so she knows them well. difficult child said sure and then I invited E and her and his boys to stop by on fathers day...again, yes.

    Yesterday, I texted difficult child at work and received no response. Later, I texted her again, no response. So I texted E and he responded that difficult child had left already for LI. To go see her bio dad. Not a word to me about it, that she was canceling our plans, skipping fathers day, whatever....

    Let me back up a little: Last week she stopped by in the morning before work and went on and on about this great card she found for her bio dad, he was going to love it, etc. In my head I couldn't help but wonder if she had even gotten H a card, let alone made a plan for fathers day. I told here that I'd like to get H a new grill to replace the one stolen and asked if she could kick in a little $$. She said she didn't really have any money. In the next breath she said she might go to LI, and take the ferry which costs about $60 for car and driver. I didn't say anything, and maybe I should have but, I didn't trust myself.

    Back to yesterday. I texted he a msg later in the evening and told her that she could have let me know she wasn't going to be around, that I had planned on it, etc. She immediately accused me of trying to ruin her visit with her dad, which I was not and said as much. She claimed she never got my texts and then said, "I have your money and I'll be home tomorrow and I have a card for H". It was hostile. So this afternoon, she called H to wish him a happy fathers day, noticeably after she is well away from her bio dads family (her cousin went with her).

    I cannot believe that after all this time she still feels she is somehow being disloyal by acknowledging H's role in her life, that he has been a father to her in just about every way except sperm donor. Even exh acknowledges it in rare moments. on the other hand, I'm sure difficult child was thrilled to make it out that I was trying to ruin their visit and deliberately not contacting H until after she was well away from them.

    I know that this all sounds so petty, but this is totally difficult child's MO. She's always been so righteous about how freaking great her bio dad is and made H out to be an imposter, when H is the one who was around for all the hard stuff and who put up with a lot ... A.LOT...of garbage from difficult child. And still loved her and was a father to her.

    With easy child in Africa, I guess I was relying on difficult child a little. So today was kind of sucky. The grill I tried to buy H won't be in until Wednesday, so we are not grilling today. No one came over, h went for a long bike ride, I visited my mom, did some chores and H has been chilling on the couch most of the afternoon. When difficult child called, he didn't even answer the phone-not to punish as he didn't know it was her-but because he just didn't feel like getting up, which is not like him. When he heard it was difficult child, I would think he'd get up but he didn't. I haven't said a word to him about what was supposed to be, so he doesn't know. E even came to our friends house yesterday and offered to bring his boys over but it's so beautiful here today I told him to just enjoy the time with his boys and his dad swimming at his house.

    I guess I'm just sort of venting, but I'm bothered by difficult child's behavior lately and I know she's spiraling up right now, tis the season, so I can understand to a degree' but part of me just sees it as such self centered behavior I'm finding it difficult to not be annoyed with her. Am I over thinking it or is my thinking out of line?
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    I don't think you're over thinking but I also think you are a bit out of line. I'm seeing both sides.

    I see that you feel H deserves to be acknowledged. Rightfully so. He feels it too, and he's not, so he's a bit bummed. ABSOLUTELY he should be acknowledged.

    difficult child? Well, she is a difficult child, but despite that, she's broken-hearted because she didn't have a full time biodad. I don't know the whole story, but I really don't have to to know that she glorifies him in her mind mostly to retain the tiniest amount of self esteem for HERSELF.

    No question she's handling this poorly, but she is a difficult child.

    [h=6]"Males Who Actually Raise Their Kids" Day to your H.[/h]
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hmmm, maybe I didn't express what it is that I find annoying well enough. I'm OKAY with difficult child or easy child going to see their dad for fathers day, in fact, I encouraged a get together on that special day all their lives...it was exh who bowed out.

    H gets it too...but yes, he's a bit missing his girls since they were both gone this year.

    My problem is that difficult child STILL after nearly 20 years of having H in her life as a father figure has not been able to realize that by showing affection or emotion for H doesn't mean she is perceived as loving her bio dad less...even with her bio dad gets it, he really does.

    IMVHO, I feel that H is always an after thought in difficult child's head and heart, yet, he's the one that always has come through for her. We live 150 miles away from exh. As children, easy child and difficult child only saw their bio dad for holidays. He refused to visit them here but maybe once a year and I drove to him 27 times the first year we lived away from LI. It wasn't until the girls were well into their teens did exh and they begin to develop a closer relations, which, again, if FINE...in fact, I am thrilled that I always maintained good contact with exh for their benefit.

    That said, it just would have been nice if difficult child had called me at some point Friday night or Saturday morning and told me she had changed her plans. It still would have grated on MY nerves, but at least it wouldn't have been as it was. Both H and I were expecting difficult child and E today....but when H asked after them, I just pretended like there were no change of plans. H is not stupid, but he understands that ex is her dad. And so do I.

    It's the difficult child behavior, she has made such strides and then, on a dime, it's the same old same old, Know what I mean?? I'm probably still not explaining it well and I just sound like a bitter mom who hates her ex, but it's not like that. Lol. Oh well.
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2012
  4. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I get it. Its like how my cousins treat their mother. For mother's day someone asked them if they were going to their mothers house for mothers day. The response was "if something better doesn't come up." What they meant by that was 'if their dad and step-mom don't ask them over then they'll go to their mom's.' They ended up going to their dad's house and their mom didn't even get a card.

    The mom doesn't mind them going to dad's house and encourages a relationship with him and step-mom, but the way it was handled and their attitude really was bad.
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    I'm sorry, I did not mean to cause you more heart ache. You explained just fine, and I do get it.

    This is the reality, she is a difficult child, and Honestly, I can't begin to imagine the giant tangle that is a child's emotions in such a situation. What I'm saying is that I get it and I understand and while I do see your side as well, I wouldn't hold this against her to much.

    My story is better suited for Mother's Day but still serves as a good illustration. My mother died when I was 5. That's 38 years ago. I still have no idea how I'm going to act/react on Mother's Day. Sometimes I'm just fine. Other times, I make plans thinking I'll be fine and then I'm not, and everything falls apart because I cannot wrap up the plans appropriately. Some years I've even hated/resented my own children because they have me and I had no one. (how twisted is that?). In my younger days, I was quite gfgish on Mother's Day. No one ever seemed to understand the pain I was in, and certainly I wasn't explaining it.

    I get how hurtful this is to you and H, but I also get where difficult child is coming from, and I think you should cut her some slack. After all, she is the child in this scenario. Ah but she's an adult now. Yeah, I get that. And should you have a discussion with her? Sure, but at a later date, and in a kind and compassionate matter because although she's had many years of healing and adjusting, she's still a difficult child, and on emotionally sensitive days, it's REALLY hard to keep those emotions and behavior in check.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I understand. This was the first year EVER that Miss KT acknowledged all that Hubby has done for her, and she put it on FB, no less, for the world to see!
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Wow, that is awesome! And that's what I'm saying. A little gratitude and acknowledgement, that's all. Exh is willing to share double billing, but she just doesn't get that. Sigh.

    on the other hand, she did once ask if she could go to H and talk to him about being a step parent to get advice since she will be a step mom to E's boys and already sort of is. I swear it's this cycling bs going on more than anything....just brings back all the PTSD for me in relation to her past behavior.

    Thanks for letting me get all this out here so by the time I see her I'm okay.
  8. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    They are so darned black and white about some things. It's frustrating.
  9. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    You are not being ridiculous!!! She should have called you and let you know that her plans changed. difficult child's dont get a free pass on what is right because they have difficult child issues. They have to learn, and just because you are Mom doesn't mean that it's okay to do it to you. We do cut them some slack on some things, but really picking up the phone and cancal some plans? How hard is that? I need my easy child, and I know you do too, with all thats going on, it is likely to make you super sensitive, but I don't think so in this case. You are right on to be mad. Next time something really mattered to difficult child, I just don't think I would find the time to cancal. Not being vindicitive, but sometimes I don't think they realize how hurtful some of the things that they do can be.
  10. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    I guess I see this in a different light in terms of respect. I think it was disrespectful to you to have not cared enough to contact you about the change of plans. Perhaps it's a lower level of one but still, not to care of what you might have done in your planning? That's about where it would be for me in being annoyed.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Jody & Tia, yes, exactly!