I'm on my way

scent of cedar

New Member
where I should be going through my sleep cycles I wake up in panic instead, as though there is something to protect myself from.

I should find a way and a time to be calm. Meditation would be ideal

I'm emotionally drained.

I was a little wary that I might be chastised for "running away", but that wasn't an issue.

Witz, that happens to me, sometimes. If there is a favorite poem that you can begin to memorize, and if you try to remember just how it went when you find yourself awake in the night, it might change that panicky, circling and circling over the same material feeling into the feeling of the poetry. Sometimes? Nothing helps and I need to get up. But sometimes trying to remember lines of poetry can be an effective tool.

Breathing slowly, deeply, and regularly with your eyes closed can change the body's alert status from fight-or-flight to eat-and-sleep. We have conscious control of our breath, Witz. Positioning is less important than deep, slow, easy, regular breaths. Try for a longer exhale than inhale. Like a deep sigh, Witz. All the time in the world. You might say something simple, like "I breathe in." Hold for a second. "I breathe out slowly." That's it. Try to keep the exhaled breath at the same strength throughout the exhale. If you try this, Witz? Set a timer for like, three minutes, the first time. If you feel any better at all, try it for five minutes, the next time. Set a timer whenever you do this practice, so you aren't distracted by wondering how many minutes you have to go. In my experience, I can receive benefit from this practice in as little as 12 minutes. Being me? That is what I set the timer for. One of these days? I will set the timer for the additional 8 minutes. Especially when I am upset, I can't do the full twenty.

:O)

I would be keyed up and knocked down too, after therapy. Just think of the strength it took to muster the courage to tell someone, Witz. But now, you have access to that energy you were using to keep everything locked up tight. I used to go somewhere in nature after therapy and just sit there and cry by myself (and for myself) sometimes. It was so harrowing.

I actually loved therapy. :O)

Well, you could be running away, Witz. So did we. Only we don't see it as running away. We see it as refusing to live our lives where poisonous memories and broken dreams destroy us from beneath. Life only lasts for a little while. We did the best we knew or could learn. Continuing to pointlessly grieve our losses is counterproductive. I have been back to the city where difficult child grew up three or four times since we got home. It was overwhelming for me, every time. Though I will admit that yesterday when I went there, I stayed pretty much present. I hate that city now, though. Too much pain, there.

So, I don't think you are running away. I think you are courageous. The kinds of things we have gone through with our children can destroy us, forever. You are fighting for your emotional life, for your self concept.

Surely you don't owe that to your children, as well?

You really are a warrior mom, Witz. You are battle weary. Anything you can do to give yourself an edge, anything you can do to allow yourself to heal, you should do. I wonder Witz, whether you would ever have been healthy enough to choose to engage in therapy had you not moved away from the city where all this happened?

Barbara
 
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