I'm out of my OWN HOME

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by daywithkitten, Jan 2, 2016.

  1. daywithkitten

    daywithkitten New Member

    Ok, here it is. I'm so glad I found this website. After reading many of the post, I decided to post my own in hopes of some advice or suggestions.
    We have a 27 year old, mother of 3, drug addict living in our house. I married a wonderful man with 3 children, one who has down syndrome. But it's his daughter who is problem. We have gone through this for years. We went through this with his older son who is now serving a two year sentence for fraud. His drug of choice was/is heroin. His stealing identities to support his drug habit is what put him in jail. We were able to throw him out, but this daughter is running my life. She has an addiction to prescription medications. Her drug of choice is pain killers and mood disorders pills.
    Anyway, about 2 weeks before Christmas, she takes/steals our 1 car, goes to her drug dealer and wreaks it. That was the start of a very long overdue battle. Of course, we became angry, but did we give her any consequences, NO.
    But that very same night, after her very smart Alec ways of giving us instructions on how the keys would be handled for the boyfriends borrowed car, I lost my mind. Its the first time in my life I ever wanted to BEAT the living crap out of someone. My husband stopped me.
    We continued with our daily course of business, until it started again.
    After, many, many attempt to either kick her out or take her to rehab for her addiction, I decided to leave. Her and I almost came to blows. I went to my daughter's house because I knew if I stayed someone wss going to get hurt. Need I mention the language that flew across the air wold make a sailor blush.
    So.. my demand was either she MOVE out or check into a rehab. I told my husband I wasn't coming home until she did one of the two choices.
    A few days roll by and MY HUSBAND, packs his belongings and the two other children and moves 5 hours away to live with his brother. OMG, I never in my wildest dreams thought he'd do that. We love each other very much and he said he left because of his health. He is a heart and stroke patient. The battle his daughter and I were creating was killing him. He retired in 2012 by the advice of 2 of his doctors. The doctors told us he is to have NO STRESS in his life. All of the kids know this. Now, we are both out of our home and SHE IS STILL THERE, because she has no where to go. She had burned all her bridges we all her friends. Mostly, because of stealing from them or borrowing, never repaying or getting into profanity speaking fights.
    Anyway, I feel so stupid for letting this get way out of hand. I really thought my husband would take a stand and force/help her into rehab or just taking her to whatever friend was left.
    Please advise. Im in fear that if I go back to the house, I'll be the one in the hospital. She's young and strong enough to woop me. Thank you for reading.
  2. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    Oh I am so sorry to read this. Is it possible for you to visit your husband and talk about the issues? It is really hard if you are not on the same page. Her behaviour is unacceptable and you des rave better than this. I am sure others will have much better advice than me.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wow. I realize its our own choice what we do, but this adult in my opinion is the one who should have been gone. In our house, if there is violence to an adult, we call the cops. Even if its an adult child who has become dangerous. It teaches her nothing other than she controls all of you to give her your house and she will probably destroy it.

    This is very sad. Im sorry you let her do this to you. If she was homeless shed still survive and maybe hate it enough to get help. She is an adult now and its up to her to decide to get help and change...why should she have the contrl of YOUR house? Does she now psy the bills I hope?

    I know its hard to see even a nasty adult child being homeless, but now the rest of you are homeless. And you are not with husband. I dont think she should have that sort of power over all the rest of the family.

    Hugs for your pain. I hope you take your house back and call police to escort this woman out of your house. Call cps to help her children. You cant help them alone and im sure they are seeing illegal behavior.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi DWK, welcome to the forum, so sorry for your troubles and need to be here. My, this is quite difficult.
    I agree with Rosie on meeting with your husband to see where you both stand on this. The stress and drama of dealing with a drug addict is too much for anyone to handle. Especially, someone under a no stress order from the doctor. We are just not equipped to deal with it. Daughter is 27 and an adult, and will do as she pleases. This is not healthy for any of you, including her.
    The fact that both of you left and she is in your home, sends a message, you lose, she wins. Why would she have to change, with a win like this?

    It is important you and husband stand together on this. Both of you need to be on the same page, otherwise his d cs will just keep undermining you.

    Most of us will tell you also, it is no use arguing with a drug addict, they make no sense, and do not care how they treat others. There is no getting through to them.

    I concur with SomeWhereOutThere, if stepdaughter is to be removed, the police need to be there. Is this your home, or are you renting?
    There are eviction laws in states also, that may have to be looked into. My neighbor left her home to live with her boyfriend. Her son, in the meantime, has a live in girlfriend who caused trouble for the neighborhood, (dealing drugs and loose dogs) Mom came home to try to straighten things out, the police couldn't do a thing, because girlfriend had mail addressed to her at the home, Mom didn't!
    One must be careful, when ceding property and occupancy.
    The laws are different, state by state. You mentioned your step daughter has three children, are they under her care? This is a concern. Her children do need help, they are defenseless. I would think about involving CPS. The safety of three minors is top priority.
    There is much for you to think about, but you must find out what your husband is willing to do. Standing together is important, otherwise you are a lone soldier, fighting an uphill battle.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, it helps to know you are not alone. Yours is a tough situation, many of us have been through the wringer dealing with d c's, so we understand how hard it is. You are not alone.
    Take care, I am sorry for your hurting heart.

  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I too am sorry you had to find us. What an awful situation you are in. I agree that you need to see your husband and talk about what you need to do. Given his health situation you may have to do the work to get her out but you can't do it without him backing you up.....

    I really suggest you meet with an attorney to find out what your rights are in your state and the eviction laws in your state.

    I don't know how old your husband is but if he is over 60 you might want to contact elder services..... Clearly it is not to his benefit to be out of his own home and protective services might help.

    But for the sake of your relationship with him I really don't think you can do anything without him being on board with you.

    good luck and keep us posted.
  6. daywithkitten

    daywithkitten New Member

    Thank you all for your reponses. Our daughter has already lost custody her 3 children. The 12 year old is in my husband's custody and has been for years. The second child was taken from her by the boyfriends aunt years ago. The 3rd child just born in Nov 2015, cps gave custody to the father of the child. And yes she lost all her children due to drug use.

    I always knew she was on drugs, but she either lived with some boyfriend or she concealed it very well. Or, she just wasn't high when she was over visiting.

    Nope, she doesn't pay the bills. SHE DOESN'T WORK and has told me she dosent WANT to work. I know, I know.

    You know, the grown kids come in and say it's just til we get back on our feet. Hah! Translated, I need a place to stay so the money I do get my hands on can pay for my addiction. While I sleep all day and you get my kid to school, and feed her and help her with homework, yall know the routine. Sometimes, it was just for a short while, but she just keeps coming back like a bad penny. This time she came back 4 months pregnant. Yeah, I know, how dare us throw her out into the street.
    OMG, I just can't believe all this is happening to us. Husband and I have a great relationship except for this one thorn. Same page ? Now I don't even know. He has repeatedly told her to leave, go to rehab, but she comes in sober, stays sober for a little while or takes a lesser dose so we don't see the effects.
    Yes, we can communicate with each other, but he's so wore out on all of this, he may just be taking a long vacation from all the stress his daughter has brought into the home. Honestly, I don't even know what I would say to him that he isn't so tried of hearing. He has yelled at her to leave until I thought his head was going to pop off due to his high blood pressure.
    I'm afraid it's going to be left up to me to fight the battle. He's happy when shes not there, but his daughter doesnt care. I mean she says she cares, but continues with her same life style. Thanks for reading.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Maybe stop paying the utility bills. Without your doing that, she may leave on her own. No heat and hot water isn't fun. Why would you pay when she is old enough to work or get SSI, if she qualifies, but refuses to do it at her age?

    I do agree your husband has to be on the same page. If he is going to enable her habits, which are actually putting his life at risk, then you can't do it alone.
    I am so sorry you have to go through this.
  8. daywithkitten

    daywithkitten New Member

  9. daywithkitten

    daywithkitten New Member

    Thank you so much. I have definitely thought about not paying the utilities, but too late, I already did. I am going to try to go over to the house today. I am going to try to make her leave. There will be alot of work to do, so I paid the utilities. I didn't want to end up with having to pay deposits, reconnection fees, ect. My husband is on SSI, so our income is very fixed. I didn't want to add on more worries, besides it will be me who has to turn them back on.
    I need to add some comments about her few good qualities. She is an excellent cook, when she cooks. Uh, maybe she cooks for the family every 2 weeks. And when she has waitressed, she is a very hard worker. I've seen her in action busting hump waiting on tables. And another trait she has is, when shes sober, she's one of the sweetest people you'll meet. We've told her that also. She does some housework, not much. She is obsessed with keeping the tile floors clean. She won't wash a dish, but you could eat off the floors. I can't figure out the obsession with the floors. She could care less about laundry, bathrooms, ect. She will pick up clutter cussing and swearing all the while doing it. Turning the household into a nervous wreak.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It's good you can see her good traits through the addiction illness. This is the case with most addicts. But when they are using, they would step over their grandmother's face for drugs and are not safe to us. I personally would not go to your house alone. You don't know w hat this adult woman will do to you. She is young and stronger than you and may be pumped up on drugs and could get violent, even if she never has before. I would bring a large man with me or, if possible, a cop.

    Since she is doing illegal things in your house, you could probably call law enforcement and get her arrested. Then she'd be gone because of illegal activity in your home. There is no reason to shield her from having a record. She will get one eventually if she keeps this up, and only she can save her reputation. You do need to reclaim your property. Is the house in your name or is it your husband's house or both? Can you really afford to give her your house, pay for her bills in your house, and take care of yourselves too? YOU matter as much as she does. She is probably feeling very empowered that you not only gave her your house but are paying f or her utilities. That's not good when it's an addict.
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  11. daywithkitten

    daywithkitten New Member

    Hahaha about grandma's face. Really, I know its not funny, but I totally saw the humor in it. Ca use its so true. They will lie, steal, cheat, sell, anything to get their hands on their fix.
    I wasn't going to the house alone. My son in law will be home shortly and I'll have him take me.
    A RECORD!!!!! Oh, she's got a record as long as her arm. She's got assault charges, she's got traffic violations including accidents and theft. Been in jail so many times, I have no idea the number of times. She even had a 3 month stay at the local county jail.
    You would think she would see that everyone in her life has abandoned her. OMG, what's it going to take to turn her around. Ive haven't given up hope on Devine intervention. I can't let her take that away from me.
  12. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Check eviction laws in your state. Go through whatever the process is and get her out. If she gets belligerent call the cops and get a protective order.

    Yelling at her isn't going to do anything. Arguing isn't going to do anything. I'm sorry to be blunt, but you've let her steal your home from you and your family. Would you let a stranger do that?
  13. daywithkitten

    daywithkitten New Member

    Your absolutely right! And, your not being blunt. Makes you angry, doesn't it. That is why her and I have almost come to using our fist and sounding like a couple of alley cats. Its been a nightmare. I haven't checked the eviction laws yet, because I was hoping it wouldn't come to that, but I guess I'm going to have to. I know, call me chicken. But, your right, I wouldn't let a stranger do that.
    I had hoped she'd move on her own; hah!, I know.
    I've tried to maintain peace because of my husband. It upsets him terribly when I verbally attack her. I understand, cause I get my feelings hurt when he says ugly things about my children.
    Anyway, I will check into the eviction laws. She'd throw me out in a New York minute if the tables were turned.
    I'm so curious about your nickname. I may be changing mine to DoneStepMom.
  14. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    My heart goes out to you. What a horrible situation to be in.

    In June, after trying for 9 years, I had to file a restraining order against my schizophrenic son because he tried to kill me and also argued with his voices about not wanting to kill me.

    Initially, the police would not come into my house My youngest son and I had to stay in a hotel in town for 6 days while I went to court to file a restraining order. That, money wise, was our Summer 'vacation'.

    I can empathize with you. I have been there...done that...sadly.

    I would contact adult protective services...for your husband. Ask them for advice.

    I have 2 sisters and one son with schizophrenia. My eldest schizophrenic sister sold her house because of 'bugs' and 'ghosts'. She came to live with my father. He had a caregiver and my brother also lived there.

    Long story short, she used hot water, bleach, and ammonia, without my knowledge, 3 times a day on her sheets and clothing to kill the 'bugs'. That is how they made mustard gas. He had to be rushed to the hospital. He had a stroke, aspirational pneumonia, and permanently lost the use of his legs from the toxic fumes.

    I told the hospital and they reported it to protective services. He was not allowed back into HIS house until she was gone. I got a 3 day quit...an eviction. I went to a paralegal. My sister left to avoid court. They advised me and checked that it was done. They had only my father's safety in mind.

    I would ask them about the children. What could they suggest for their health and well-being? It is a difficult situation....for your husband, you, and the children.

    The paralegal will write that your husband's health is being negatively affected and he is in danger of having another attack and possibly dying.

    Talk to your husband. A regular eviction takes too long. You could take care of it so he is not stressed further.

    Go to your local courthouse and see a family law clerk for free. They will advise you. If she becomes aggressive. ..you might need to file a restraining order.

    You should be in your own home with a stress-free husband. I wish you the best resolution concerning this matter. Our positive thoughts are with you.
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2016
  15. daywithkitten

    daywithkitten New Member

    Thank you for your reply.
    Someone else suggested adult protected services. You know what, OMG, if I had found this Web site before hubby had left, I could have stopped him from going. See, yall do have good suggestions. He's already moved, but had I called or someone else, they would have REMOVED HER FROM THE HOME. Its not too late. Im going to ask a friend to call. OMG, I'm so stupid. Its the perfect solution. That way, it's adult protected services that removes her from the home and NOT ME. Thank you so much.
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    DWK, you are not stupid, no negative self talk, not good. Sheesh, its not like there are college courses out there for this stuff. We just keep rolling with the punches from d cs and it can knock the bejabbers out of us. Good you are here, and get some info from others who have been there, done that. I am glad you have a few potential solutions for your dilemma. Keep posting, let us know how it goes. Your experience will end up helping someone else down the road! Good luck, and stay strong! {{{HUGS}}} leafy
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  17. daywithkitten

    daywithkitten New Member

    Thank you leafy.
    You're right!, no negative self talk. You know, I don't think I even thought about APS, because we just don't live like that.
    Never had to make a phone call like that before.
    But, the most recent update is .... I called. I made the call and they took the case. At first, I didn't think they were going to take it because my husband isn't 65 and his disabilitis do not fall under their guidelines, but because we have a handicapped son who cannot protect himself if he was life threatened, and because I am in a violent situation and nearly handicapped ( I have bad knees), they took the case. Whew!, it was like the big black cloud moved away. Just wished I had put 2 and 2 together sooner. But, for whatever reasons, perhaps we all needed a bit of time apart to collect our own thoughts. We would have never gotten anything solved by hanging around blaming each other. The time for help has been long over due. But, I feel so much better, honestly, I feel like I can breathe.
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  18. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I am so happy for you. You took control. I know that it can be very difficult to do and I am proud of you!

    Excellent progress. Just breathe and relax now. It is off your shoulders... Go out and do something fun for yourself!!!
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  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    daywithkitten, I am so proud of you. You are very brave!!!!! KUDOS!!!!!

    Please keep us posted. We are here for you.
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  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    You know what DWK, I think everything is for a reason, so maybe all of this, just led you to the answers you needed. Good job! YAY! Things are looking up for you, and that is awesome. Let us know how it all goes. Fingers and toes crossed for you.....leafy