I'm scared

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Losingmycookies!, Dec 20, 2007.

  1. Losingmycookies!

    Losingmycookies! New Member

    Very early on I knew something with my daughter wasn't right (like at 2-3) She had terrible temper, hitting, and didn't sleep, ect. I was very young when I had her (18), her father an abuser and we were into some heavy drugs....I didn't use drugs at all when pregnant. Anyhow I we split many many times, and finally after the birth of my second child we ended it for good and I ended up back at home.

    I could go on and on about her behavior and yes there has been some really changes that have happened in our lives. I got myself together while at my mom's. My daughter is now 13 and in high school....which she is failing. She is violent, very lethargic, defiant, ect. Things hit the fan about 3 years ago, which is when I began living with my spouse. I'm so frustrated because since this child was a baby I have been taking her to doctors asking for help, I've had every test done possible, hearing, eyes, ect. But because I'm living with my spouse that is the reason she is the way she is.....she blames that too. Anyhow thankfully I have my mom who testifies that this is not the reason, and she has supported me fully on my struggle and has seen what I go through, even before I met my spouse.

    Things in the past few years have been terrible, I've admitted her to the hospital, seen a psychiatrist who diagnosed her ODD, and things have been terribel, and I have not handled it very good, and I'm upset with myself because I CANNOT deal with her. I feel sick all the time, and now am getting depressed.

    At school she has already been suspended. She is failing so has to attend a noon class...which she doesn't show up for, then get's detention and then doesn't show up to that. Anyhow I have even gone to the school and escorted her to her class, which got me a ton of her middle finger. She says she loves acting, but skipped her Christmas performance which I had no idea about...They told her if she skipped one more thing she is out....she's skipped 3 times. She simply refused to do anything!!! Then they say to me "oh she must be angry at you, or at something at home"...oh whatever!!! She is sooo bright, and gifted, and when they do get her to do things her grade is in the 90% - 100% ......She is depressed and cutting herself now when she doesn't get her way, like when I make her go to school. The last councillor I went to suggested some sort of abuse, which is not the case.....things have gotten to crisis point and I'm the one with the black eyes, cuts, scratches, because I've physically taken her on and tried to follow through with what I've said. Anyhow we are now gettinga new psychiatrist, and I'm afraid....is all this my fault???? Will he say that? I've been driving myself crazy lately with the blame and guilt......
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board.

    Dont beat yourself up so much. I dont think there is a parent alive who hasnt done a few things wrong but I seriously doubt you have made your kid this way. If you had, you wouldnt be looking for help for her. I have known too many kids with behavior problems whose parents simply didnt care and let them run wild and figured someone else could deal with it.

    I was also a young mom. I had my boys at 19, 22 and 24. I dont think age has much to do with it because we have all ages of moms on here.

    Your daughter sounds a lot like me as a kid so I would be looking at some sort of mood disorder, maybe. Especially since there is a history of substance abuse in the family. Dont give up. It can get better. A good psychiatrist can help uncover things.

    Take time for you and if they blame you, find a new doctor.
  3. dirobb

    dirobb I am a CD addict

    First, take a big breath. Relax....Not your fault. Blame is not going to help your daughter.

    She needs to develop coping skills. Trust me I struggle with my difficult child's on a daily/hourly basis.

    Is your daughter currently on medications. The cutting would worry me. Usually it is an expression of pain. A way to release the pain they either have trapped inside or cannot feel and this is a way to feel. Sorry but that is a pretty simplistic/brief answer/overview. But something I would want to have explored.

    My daughter was a cutter. She was also abused. Sometimes some of these symptoms have common denominator. Which may explain why the counselor asked about abuse. They have aaked us about abuse with our 14 difficult child male. As far as we know he has not been abused. But I have to agree with them he exhibits alot of PTSD symptoms that one would find in abused victims.

    Welcome to the board. I don't have any anwers for you just wanted to reach out and give you abit of support. Others will join in soon and at least let you know you are not alone.

  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Ditto Janet! If they blame you, find a new doctor.

    Get a copy of The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It'll be an easy read and since your daughter is 13, you'll feel like he was in your living room writing the book! I actually laughed at some of the descriptions. It'll give you some insight as to how your daughter sees things.

    Right now your thrust is to get help for your daughter. If she was having problems at 2 & 3, someone (professional) should have recognized her issues as a result of some problem. ODD rarely stands alone. Janet has been dealing with mood disorders forever, so she would know the signs.

    Don't give up! We're here to help you, learn with you and support one another. We actually have a lot of laughs as well.

    Take a breath, have a cup of coffee and click around the site. You'll see that there are a lot of us out there MANY with the same situation as you!

  5. Losingmycookies!

    Losingmycookies! New Member

    My daughter cuts herself when she doesn't get her way. For example she was suspended, therefor there were rumours at school, when she got back she was convinced everyone hated her. So she asked me to stay home, so I talked with her and explained that this was a consequence. She was told when she got warned she was going to be suspended that if wouldn't just affect her acedemics but her social life also. Anyhow I told her I understood how she felt and it's an awful feeling, but the best way to handle it was to get back in the game. That the more they see her, talk with her, and be around her the faster it would blow over. That hiding from everyone would make it worse....so she cut herself and promply showed me. Some girl at school didn't like her, and they had a fight, she showed them her cuts, which in turn makes them think she is weird. Another thing I have to say is she has been teased and bullied at school since the beginning of elementary. She was never invited for play date, birthday parties, ect. I'm an hairstylist and I have her picture on my station ( she is exceptionally beautiful, not being a mother here, but I've been told how gorgeous she is, which is hard for me because it makes me sad she can't see that), and I've had kids in my chair that go to school with her and they tell me how weird she is....even now the school teacher told me that some girl wanted to beat her up and the excuse was she's weird and she does weird things.

    Uhhhh I shouldn't go on and on....
  6. dirobb

    dirobb I am a CD addict

    my difficult child daughter is 16. She likes to tell everyone she meets (new friends)her past history with all the sorrid(sp) details. Then she does not understand how they look at/treat her differenty. No matter she will do it agin the next time. She is a little more restrained now.
    On some level (with mine) I think they think this (weird) behavior makes them unique and cool. They lack the social skills amd empathy to see how others may view their actions. They just think its all weird and keep their distance.
    My heart breaks sometimes..Its a struggle trying to figure it all out. But that what we warrior moms do. We just keep doing.
    I can hear that in yur posts. Unfortunately, there are no magic answers. Boy would I make a killing if I could come up with one. But I am afraid our difficult child's would just figure a way around it. (lol)