I'm so sick of the F word ... and life

[TerryJ2]

Pity party. Stop reading if you don't want to hear me whine.

Last night, difficult child had a really long, hard baseball game in 90 degree heat. A 3-hr game. (They won.) He hadn't had dinner, had a headache, and was exhausted. He wrapped himself in a blanket and put his head down on the kitchen table. At 9:15, we told him to go to bed and he left.

At 11 p.m., I went to check on him. He now sleeps on the top bunk (easy child brought home her dorm bed) so when I couldn't find him, I climbed up and pulled off the covers. No difficult child.

easy child's door was locked. She's out of town. I used the key.
Guess who was on her computer?

I had hidden the mouse and keyboard and voila! There they were. So he had also gone into my office earlier in the evening and planned this out.

I screamed at him to get out.
He wanted to save his game and close out the computer properly. I wanted him out that second. Scr*w transitioning.

He lit off and said, "Shut the F--- up!" about 16 X. Louder and louder, over and over.

I went to use the bathroom and forgot to look at the seat b4 I sat down. Uh-oh. difficult child strikes again.

Afterward, I laid in bed, just thinking of how I hate my life.

Guess who overslept today? And told me to shut up when I reminded him to get up the 5th time? (We've agreed to only tell him 3X but he really can't miss any more school ... especially this close to the end of the yr.) I sat in the car and drank tea and read the paper for 20 min. until he showed up.

We finally refinanced the house and got cash out to pay for the roof and siding repairs. The noise of hammering has stopped. Yay!!! But I noticed today that they missed a section in the front. And no one worked on the house all week. (Luckily, it's pay as you go so I am not out all the $).
When the mortg company went to pay off our old loan and credit card, they put the money in our checking acct and pd a tiny line of credit. Uh, people, WRONG accounts!!!!

As I'm checking the accts online, ghg comes up behind me and wants to know where his PS2 is. OMG. I am going to lose my mind.

I met with-another lawyer today about my civil case against my cousin's broker who stole $ from her (old note on the WC) ... and he, too, passed me off to another lawyer. This is the 6th person I've talked to! I hate living in a big, small town. Conflicts of interest everywhere.

And then, the AC went out. So I had to get a repairman over to the house and pay him $75 to tell me that it would cost $250 to fix but there was no guarantee because everything was corroded and it was a 30-yr-old unit. (Sort of like an old Toyota. Gotta love 'em!) He gave me estimates for another unit (hey, it's only money ... )
So Sat. a.m., I am meeting with-another dealer for more estimates. I so badly wanted to sleep in.

Then the svc light on my car dashboard went on.

Meanwhile, difficult child wants me to find his old PS2 so he can sell it for an Xbox.
I don't have the heart to tell him that I accidentally threw it away in January, thinking that it was broken ...

by the way, he apologized for his behavior last night, saying, "But if you hadn't kept yelling at me, I wouldn't have used the F word."
Isn't it funny how it's always our faults when our kids can't control themselves?
"Why couldn't you just say 'Stop' instead of using the F-word?"
"I did that but you made me mad."

Funny, Mom is mad and she hasn't used the F-word ...

At this point, I am not mad. I am exhausted. Bone tired. Any cliche' you want. I can't paint, don't want to cook dinner, can't organize my office and can't even remember today's date. I forgot to pick up and drop off paintings for 2 clients this wk, even though I had written myself notes and had written it on my calendar. I have no brain left.

 

[lovingmum96]

yuck what a day! here's hoping tomorrow will be much better..... ((hugs)) The air conditioning not working is a real problem in this heat. Take care--

 

[ML]

Terry,
I am so sorry. You have every reason to whine. Living with a difficult child has got to be one of the greatest stressors there is. You also have a lot going on. I hope you are able to take some time to recharge yourself soon. You need some "T" time. I'm thinking of you and hoping for some lighter days ahead.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you. Can't believe you read all that! You deserve an award.

Today is better.

 

[nandz]

Man, talk about a bad day! Feel free to whine away!!! We are always here to listen and for you to have a shoulder to lean on. HUGS and I am glad to hear he apologized to you. I hope it's a better day for you and week next week! HUGS

 

[KTMom91]

Glad today is better. Hugs and strength to you.

 

[crazymama30]

I hope you have a few more good days, you deserve it. Sometimes it feels like it just won't stop.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you.
He was a jerk last night. We watched Avatar at husband's office (big screen that he uses for pts) and difficult child kept going in and out of the room to play on the computer. I asked a few questions during the movie and difficult child snidely remarked that "Mom is one of those who talks through am movie." husband explained that I hadn't heard some of the dialogue, and so on. (IOW, it's not okay for me to ask a relevant Q, but it is okay for difficult child to interrupt to complain about me.) If it had just been one comment, I would have blown it off, but you know with-a difficult child, they can't stop at one.

husband told him to stop, then when it was time to leave, difficult child refused to. I told him to come on, (several warnings) and difficult child shouted, in a mean voice, to chill out. I told him that was the wrong answer and that he is supposed to say, "Yes, ma'am," and not be rude. I'm trying to teach him but something isn't working.

Even with-all the counseling he's been to, he just can't get it through his head. He argues and argues and argues.

He is supposed to be grounded off of computers and video equip anyway, so once again, I have to rein in husband AND difficult child. Sigh.

difficult child continued being a jerk on the way home, and then ordered me out of the car to open the door, since I had house keys, and I got out of the car, placed my purse near the door, and said I was going for a walk. husband let in difficult child. I just had had enough of difficult child and could not stand to be with-him one more minute. I walked around the block and by the time I got home, difficult child was in his room with-the door shut. Fine by me.

I don't know if it's the heat, or the stress of my cousin, the house repairs, or what, or if I've finally come to the realization that difficult child has not made much progress and I am getting depressed thinking that I am stuck with-this behavior for the next 7 yrs, but I just can't seem to handle it any more.
I am seriously thinking of asking my cousin for $ to send difficult child to a special school in the mtns ...

 

[trinityroyal]

Terry, I'm so very sorry this continues and that difficult child doesn't seem to be making any progress, despite all the therapy and interventions.

I continue to be astonished by the parallels between your difficult child and mine. It's like watching mine grow up all over again. Thinking about what worked and what didn't work for my largest monster, we found that because he has the combination Aspergers/Mood Disorder, the Concerta was really affecting him badly. It DID impart control and focus, but the agitation, hostility, oppositional behaviour, extreme defiance, pulling things apart, sneaking, lack of boundaries, stealing, break-ins, etc., ad nauseam all were so much worse. He simply wasn't able to control himself. SSRI medications made things so much worse.

I don't know whether you're mentally or physically prepared to deal with a medication change, but I think that the mood disorder might be contributing strongly to your difficult child's behaviour and that you might need to get that reined in before any interventions for the Aspergers really stick. Also, given your difficult child's age and size, it's really important that you get him in line now before you're completely unable to manage him physically.

I'm so very sorry for your string of no good very bad terrible awful days. Hope things get better soon.

Trinity

 

[lovingmum96]

so sorry another bad day. When we are having a string of bad days, it sometimes helps to go back to reinfocing the small positive things and overlooking the bad to get over the funk. Helps a bit. Take care.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Hi Terry,

I'm sorry to read of difficult children continuing struggles. I haven't been on much lately, Son has been a major PITA. He got suspended from school for two days (Fri and Mon) for screaming at a student in the hallway "Shut the F up!" and for barging into a class and pushing a student.

His birthday is coming up and now I have to listen to his constant demands of what am I going to get him.

Hugs to you. It's a tough path we are on.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, dear Dazed, I hate it when they demand things for their bdays.

Thank you, Loving.

Trinity, are these the medications that helped your son? Seroquel SR. Lamictal
I'm thinking we could try these this summer, b4 shipping him out.

He was VERY good tonight. He volunteered to ride with-us to take my cousin back to the conv and rehab ctr after she'd had dinner with-us. Part of it was because it was storming and he thought it was exciting to be out in the middle of it; part was that it was his bedtime and he was stalling; and part, I think, was because he saw me printing off pps from a spec needs school in the mtns in NC and he knows we're ready to pack him up for a yr or so.
Funny, how he can behave when he HAS to. But he can never sustain it.

 

[klmno]

I could be way off base here- Lord knows it wouldn't be the first time- so take this for what it's worth. in my humble opinion, some of this is what boys go thru at this age group when they push away the "MOM image" as they establish their own masculinity. My son has been going thru it a couple of years and I've heard about it plenty from parents (fathers and mothers) of both easy child's and difficult child's. The entire dynamics in the household changes and I'm not sure parents can stop it. I've been reading your threads, although not posting too much, and it appears to me that it's the unsettled dynamics in your household- mainly difficult child and husband being "the men of the house" and you are kind of being squeezed into the role of almost a sibling instead of the mother- albeit I am sure this is not intentional on your husband's part. I think your husband is just trying to keep peace. Your difficult child is just doing what typical difficult child boys of this age do. You are trying to maintain sanity at this point. I can relate. But honestly, in my humble opinion, if you could find a GOOD family therapist who didn't just do the typical stuff, it might be more beneficial than sending difficult child somewhere else. I can tell you from firsthand experience that the more the parent/child bond is distanced, the less likely you will be to ever influence your child.

That's just my 2 cents and it might not be the most popular one. LOL!

 

[Jody]

Terry,

I am so sorry that your weekend was like that. Mine was good on Saturday but Sunday was kinda like yours, not as bad though. I hate all of it and think everyday I have to go thru 6 more years of this. As soon as that kid can pick up any jobs to make money she is going to and it is going to be made very clear, 18 and your out. She will need to start saving early for things that she needs for an apartment and for her car. I will help her in anyway that I can but she has to go, unless I see her grow into a level of maturity that is acceptable, otherwise I have been thru too much and am going to continue to count the days down. I do know that I am going to try and enjoy what years I have left after she turns 18. Mine can control it when she wants something, drives me nuts. She can't maintain either. I hate the F this and F that. Name calling, last night it became physical, then she is crying I am sorry. Ugh, makes you want to run away. Well hang in there and remember there will be a good day, and then many more good days. One day everyday will be fantastic, because even though things breakdown, and go wrong there won't be someone curisng and calling you names, every time they don't get their way!!!! Hang in there, many hugs, and hoping today is okay for you.

 

[AnnieO]

Isn't it funny how it's always our faults when our kids can't control themselves?

I was just saying this exact same thing to husband last night. That it's always OUR fault when Onyxx messes up. ("If I had MY cell phone this wouldn't happen!" ...Well duh kid, if you didn't do stuff like this maybe you'd have a cell phone...)

Funny, how he can behave when he HAS to. But he can never sustain it.

...And again... I mentioned this one too. More though that she can behave well when she wants to... But she chooses not to.

I get it - really do. (I know, I am SO not the only one here.) Just feels like nothing we do will ever do any good or work. I swear... Sending you lots of hugs, 'cause I know I need them when this stuff happens!!!

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you Jody and all for your support and wise words. It really helps.

Klmno, I was going to make an appointment with-the therapist, alone, to discuss the impact of sending away difficult child and his bond with-us. Now I definitely am going to make a pt of it. (Not to mentionthe tuition doubled. Gulp.)
Step, I saw the other thread on Onyxx. Sigh. I think sometimes it would do just as much good to beat my head against the wall.

 

[klmno]

I think that's a good idea, Terry. Don't get me wrong- I do think sometimes sending a difficult child to a program of some sort (depending on the issues) is necessary and in their best interest. But it definitely should be weighed carefully.

 

[AnnieO]

I think the appointment is a good idea, too.

And yeah, I know... Seems like I have been banging my own against the wall too - but don't. Bruised foreheads get funny looks. Especially when they have imprints of bricks on them.

 

[Star*]

You know - I thought I was alone in having bad days. (hands trophy to T) - insert snicker. DANG..............it. And still you survive to write about it? Amazing. I am pretty sure my hands would have been either over someone's mouth or my ears.

The F word isn't allowed in our house when kids are present. DF and I use it on occasion - me more than him - but his tolerance to stress is higher. I have tried using substitute words - to no avail. That word weilds power of expression. It's like when you want to scream and Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgh just doesn't get it at the top of your lungs you can say one F word in frustration and it seems to release endorphines or something.

So with that in mind the last time Dude was your sons age and said the F word (then completely forbidden) Our therapist told us to have him sit down at the table with both parents and say the F word out loud 500 times. I kept tabs. DF was not amused, but for a long time Dude didn't say it anymore. Knowing this would be the punishment if he said it. The first time he slipped? He slapped his hand over his mouth and said sorry - a dozen times. We also used this repetitive theory with opening and slamming the door. He had to open and shut the door nicely 250 times. Stopped that behavior too for the most part for years.

I have only two other words for you - or rather your household - STANDUP -SAFE. Best investment we ever made.

 

[AnnieO]

Where can i get this therapist?!