I'm so stupid. It's supposed to be when you know better, you do better.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PennyFromTheBlock, Dec 13, 2015.

  1. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member


    Recap: Last summer, I detached. I gave up (or gave in to what I needed to do for my sanity). I stopped contact with my son. DONE. FINISHED. Read the books. Posted here, felt empowered because I knew deep down it was the RIGHT THING TO DO.

    My daughter commented not long after that happened that I was different. She could SEE the change in me- I wasn't always on edge, I wasn't always waiting on the other shoe to drop, I wasn't waiting to see what he stole from me NEXT, I wasn't always being badgered for money all the time.

    December 2014= find out that my son and his girlfriend were going to have a baby.

    I minimally became re-involved. Because- baby. First grandbaby. I had some life experiences myself that had made me make a promise to my kids YEARS ago (and myself) that what THEY went through as grandchildren (no interest) would never happen to MY grandchildren. No child asks to be born or knows the circumstances of their arriving in the world. NOT THE BABY'S FAULT.

    Fast forward- he lives with the girlfriend, leaves in March- moves in with his sister (my daughter). She can't take it anymore, and he leaves there and returns to the home with the girlfriend in July. Baby born in August.

    October, he leaves girlfriend's house again (admittedly, he needed to leave- she likes to hit and punch, and pinch, and choke, and all that) and goes to his sisters (they discussed ahead of time- I told her NOT to get involved, but I can't control that).

    Now, here we are- right back to where we were. Badgering the hell out of me for money, lying, arguing, yelling, threatening to keep my grandson away, being disrespectful.

    I told him last monday (he and his sister were arguing, I was out of town on business- they call me)- he doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. How can HE, who NEEDS help right now- how can he put demands or conditions on ANYONE? How stupid. I WISH I had had the help and support he has now back when I was QUITE LITERALLY alone and by myself trying to take care of TWO kids. How can HE feel like someone has to respect HIM and have no expectations of HIM when he NEEDS his sister right now. She has no OBLIGATION TO YOU SON. I have no obligation to you. The ones who try to do for you are the ones you treat the WORST.

    That boy would take my very last dollar if I'd give it to him.

    I KNOW I have to stop. I KNOW I do. He got mad last week at his sister and said he would just sleep in his car with his baby. (He keeps him overnight Sunday night, Monday night, Tuesday night, and Wednesday nights because she works the night shift). SLEEP IN THE CAR WITH YOUR BABY? ARE YOU SO SELFISH THAT RATHER THAN SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU WOULD DO THAT?

    I have no issue with detaching from HIM. I don't. I don't like him, I don't enjoy being around him (horrible, isn't it? He's my SON), my life was so much more peaceful when he wasn't a part of it.

    But (and I know I've posted about this before, I just have to work this out in my head) how do I detach from a FOUR MONTH OLD WHO HAS TWO PARENTS THAT AREN'T WORTH A DAMN? He's so innocent. So sweet.

    I have a couple of options in that regard- The enemy of my enemy is my friend. I can get on team girlfriend. She's easily persuaded. But I don't WANT to do that.

    Otherwise, I guess I'd have to lose sleep over what the baby is doing, how he is, and just give it to God. Because I'm going to have to call my son's bluff. I told him a long time ago that he'll need me LONG before I'll need him. That I'm a better advocate than adversary.

    I've become an enabler again. I don't like it. I know it's not the right thing to do. I know that it'll kill me and he'll just go on with life and start in on someone else.

    My daughter has given him a time to get out. January 31st. OUT.

    Why do they do this? Why? How have I raised a human who has (I believe) only pockets and moments of common decency. It's not who he is. He just cannot just be a nice person. Grateful. respectful.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    If he is a drug addict, that's why they do it.

    I'd call CPS. That baby needs to be removed from your son's lack of care. Where is the mother???? If you want to get custody yourself, you need a lawyer. Your son is unfit. Just threatening to sleep in the car with this baby shows it. It is one thing to let a grown child destruct. We can't stop them. But in my opinion it IS up to us to at least try to save the baby, even if that means he goes to foster care or we have to fight our own child for custody. If neither parent is fit, you owe it to the baby to keep him safe, no matter how badly it ticks off your son and his ex-girlfriend or your daughter. A baby will NOT change your son. And hasn't done so. To me the right thing to do...the only thing to do, if it were me...is to report them both as unfit and let professionals take over. If you enable, it won't help your grandson at all. He needs to be in a safe environment with sane people.

    Sister will do what sister wants to do. You can't control any of your grown kids.

    I would not fret over why your son is disrespectful until after CPS is called and the baby is safe.

    Hugs for your hurting heart. Good luck!
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  3. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    I've called CPS. That investigation will likely have some resolution by the 22nd (they have 60 days). The mother has him during the day Mon-Thurs and they get him every other weekend. I had him ALL of last weekend (my son's weekend). The CPS report I made in October was chock full of what they need to know. The ONLY concern I have with THAT system is he's 4 months old- he can't talk/be interviewed. He is not being physically abused. I don't have faith that they are going to do anything. However, my only hope is that since a report has been made- IF something comes up in the future, and another gets made...'where there is smoke, there is fire'.

    Oh, both my daughter and myself told him if he did leave and "sleep in his car with his baby" (he didn't, by the way)- we would call the police and CPS.

    Also, when the report was made (by me) in October, I discussed this with my son- at great length. He WAS on board with, if the child was removed, that his preference would be for him to be placed with me. And I am willing to take that on. I've done a lot of research on all of this- and I'm team "baby" all day, everyday. I don't doubt that at some point my son will not have access- but then that cuts us all off from access and the mama is no better. But she's a duplicitous one- and is very very good at playing 'sweet, normal, and innocent'. It's a mess.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Penny, so sorry for all of your troubles that got you back here posting, oh boy, can I ever say been there, done that. I thought the same, that maybe the kids would wake up having to care for their own, still waiting 11 long years and 3 gks after.......
    You are not so stupid....it is hard to use our heads, when our hearts are so involved.
    Yes, our dcs are selfish. It is unfortunate, that they cannot even put their precious babies, ahead of their childish wants and moods.

    It is hard, Penny.
    I know CPS was supposed to get involved, nothing came of it?

    My Tornado has used the Grands to tug at my heart strings, it is a horrible game.

    I think the biggest concern is the baby, he cannot fend for himself.

    It is so tough, nobody needs this. These kids, where do they come from? I definitely did not raise mine to act the way they act. Don't be so hard on yourself, Penny, we all falter. Especially when there are grands involved. That is what kept me in the game for so long. I do not know if anything has changed, haven't heard from them in awhile. I am hoping for the best. The kids are their responsibility. I was not helping any of them, by helping....

    Do not blame yourself. Sometimes it is just because, thats why. Be it mental challenges, or drugs, it is not your fault.
    I guess it is back to square one then, figuring out what steps to take. Let us know Penny, we care. There are folks here like me, who have been right where you are at...keep posting, it really does help.
    You are not stupid, and you are not alone.
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh, ok, CPS is involved.
    Yes this is good. Once they are on the radar, it is good. Does the mom have to go to classes?

    Sounds familiar. One suggestion, that I wish I did, keep a detailed journal. If the time comes that you need to recall things, it is something to look back on. Oh Penny, my heart goes out to you. This is very tough stuff. 4 months, is such a precious time.
    Well then, you have your work cut out for you. Have you looked into grandparents rights in your state?
  6. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Thanks New Leaf.......

    As of right now, there is no resolution to the report- they have 60 days, and so far they've interviewed them both, drug tested both of them, and where it is now, I'm not sure. I know they have to either decide to keep it open and continue on with them past the 22nd, or close it.

    I've got one started- but I haven't been adding to it like I should. What I have been doing is at least noting in my calendar book when the baby is here, etc- my memory (right now, I could -and will, now that I think about it, recall most of the drama) is pretty good (I'm the historian in my friend group for the insane amount of detail of stupid stuff I can recall)- memories have landmarks and my daughter keeps track too.

    I'll raise that baby- no problem. I just want, if it comes to that, for it to be early enough in his life where he won't 'remember' the change.
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    What about the moms parents? Are they involved at all?
  8. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Her parents are as dysfunctional as she is. From what the girlfriend has told ME- her parents did nothing but fight, scream, and carry on while she was growing up.

    Also, according to both my son and her, her parents do ICE.

    I never thought my son could find someone crazier than he was, but alas, he did.
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  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Well...then it's up to you. But first the parents have to both lose custody per the court and it is all done legally. You'd need a lawyer and to fight for custody. If mother wants the child, that would be fighting her too. If her dysfunctional mother goes for custody, she can too.

    You need proof of behavior for CPS to end custody. If you can produce drug use or know drugs are with either your son or daughter, CPS may be able to find that out. This isn't a time to worry about your grown son or his girlfriend. I've dealt with CPS as a foster mother...you can get a case re-opened if you can prove the parents are unfit. But it takes time. You can not get legal rights to the child if you don't go to court which means your son and the mother can blackmail you if they allow you to take care of the baby. They can take the baby from you at any time if THEY still are the legal guardians.

    It's complicated, but worth the fight for the baby in my opinion.

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    Last edited: Dec 13, 2015
  10. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Thanks SomewhereOutThere, that's why I called CPS in October. I have no issue calling the authorities on either one of them. The state agency I work for is a 'sister' agency to CPS- and I've talked to a Supervisor over there (as well as researched and reviewed their handbook policy)- I know that getting custody would be getting it from them both- and as I mentioned, CPS has already drug tested them both. Will likely do it again before the 22nd.

    I plan to continue to keep my eyes and ears open - and I will call and make another report if necessary. I just don't want to have to call and call and nothing happens because THEN it looks like I've got an ulterior motive. Thankfully, because of my job- I can talk their language and that surely can't hurt.
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  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member


    Me too, with my daughter, I hear you loud and clear....then babies in the mix....double UGH.

    I am glad you have the ball in your court. Sounds like you have a good handle on things. This is very tough Penny, you are a trooper!
  12. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Now I just have to figure out how to detach from my son, or set boundaries, but still have my involvement with my grandbaby.
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    That is a hard one.
    If you go the route you spoke of with the mama, would you be babysitting?
    Just be careful with your heart Penny.
    We had temporary custody of our grands, CPS goal was to rehab the parents and place the grands back with them. They did well for awhile and then slipped back into the same old, same old. UGH.
    It is a hard road you are traveling, but worth it in every way to try to give stability to this child.
    I do not know what these d cs are thinking, that it is easy to care for a child.
    Heavens, they can barely care for themselves....
    Hang in there.
  14. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    That was my plan- it would take a lot, but in addition to calling police/CPS if my son ever stupidly 'slept in his car' with the baby (hot air, much like he used to threaten suicide, etc)...I'd call her and then I would keep him those nights she works. I generally travel pretty much all the time right now for work (only get to work in MY office on Fridays most weeks)- but I've talked to my director already about what is going on, and while not ideal right now, I COULD work here in my own office rather than be on the road- that would afford me the ability to watch him overnight four nights a week.
  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    :encouragement: Prayers for you and the baby dear....
  16. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    This is what is so hard for me- I've got a pretty decent/solid plan in my head when it comes to the baby- it just will take time and patience.

    Now, how to get my son to stop begging for money (and subsequently threatening to take the baby and not let me see him)- that's going to take detachment again.

    This evening, for example, I went to pick the baby up at noon. He was here with me - kids came by to bring laundry- initial plan was the baby would stay with me (I don't travel until in the morning)- well, he wanted gas money, then next thing you know he's angry and yelling and everyone is out to get him- I very calmly talked him- and told him 1) stop yelling - I've told you and told you- MY HOME will be a place of PEACE. NO YELLING. 2) I'm not a freaking ATM.

    Well, daughter was there observing all this- staying out of it. Next thing you know, he's getting the baby up (who was sleeping in my room) and putting him in the carseat. Why? Because he was mad. Now they are back at my daughter's (which means we know the baby is fine) and so at least I can sleep tonight. I've tried to shame him into doing right, I've talked so crazy to him, I've been calm. If there were no baby, this would be a no-brainer for me, because I did it last summer and likely still wouldn't be dealing with him much.
  17. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Dear Penny - hats off to you sister you sound like you are doing exactly what you know you should do and are simply on here to vent. You got this - stay strong and stick to your guns! Sounds like a mess but just take it one day at a time. I can feel your strength in your writing and admire you calling CPS and looking out for the safety of your little guy. CPS will see that you care and are doing the right thing - you should get custody. Keeping fingers crossed for you!
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    This is insidious. Baby leverage.
    It happened with us too. D c and bio-dad would be arguing and he would grab up one of the baby's and walk out the door, wasn't a darn thing we could do, police said-he is the father....Grrrrrr. Frustrating.
    One more thing to note in your diary.
    Maybe you could get a recorder too, record his outbursts.
    One thing for sure, if he continues to get his way dangling the baby in front of you,
    it will only get worse.
    These kids are just plain mean.
    Poor baby, jolted from sleeping.....
    Poor gramma, I feel for your aching heart.
    Is there an agency that can help you? Not CPS, but somewhere you can get some help and support for you? This is so very hard.
    The memories......

    Take care......breathe.....
  19. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    I wonder if Penny From the Block is still around.

    You seemed to say what I was thinking much better than I could formulate right now. Baby girl isn't here yet. She is also going to be my first gbaby. On the way, end of April. My son is a lot like yours in the demanding money, being snarky, tries to use threats of not seeing gbaby a few times if I don't become an ATM again, threatens suicide, etc. I know it's coming, what your dealing with...however, I am leaning toward detaching completely, since I know I could still see the baby, and the baby will be at the girlfriend's parent's ( who aren't that great, but they aren't that bad either--we all have faults).

    There's a big difference, in that he is incarcerated right now, but due out to go to court ordered inpatient, then out by probably the time the baby is 3 or 4 months. not really expcting that rehab will help anything, since it is forced.

    Have you figured anything out? Any advice or what you did or wished you had done differently, etc?

    How are things going now? I've been searching and searching for more help online. Not finding much on Google.

    Thank you again, Leafy, you have been helpful. Very much so. :)

    Just feel like I am losing control of my own life again.
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    D, you are not losing control, you are finding it.........