Im so tired...weary... not sure who to trust and believe anymore

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tinamarie1, Aug 7, 2013.

  1. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    I joined this message board many many years ago when my son had social issues. Wow does that seem like a cake walk now. Fast forward ...he is now 15. He got suspended from school back in February for having a cigar in his backpack. Before he got home that day, something told me to search his bedroom. I found a multitude of pills in small baggies. Along with suicidal notes and writings. We had him put in a treatment facility for depression. The pills varied from ibuprofen to my daughters zoloft that he had been stealing. He says he tried it to help him feel better but it did nothing. He was buying and using oxycotin, and some other drugs from "friends" at school. He had to start at ground zero for earning our trust. I wouldn't even give him two dollars for lunch money...for fear he would save it to buy drugs.
    I thought we were on a good road. The past few months seemed great, but there have been times when I thought something was "off" with him. My husband just dismissed it and said I was over reacting and being fearful.
    I decided to go on a girls trip with my mom and sister to Florida last week. On Sunday I recieved a call from my husband that he walked in on our son smoking pot in his bedroom. They had an arguement... an hour later my husband went to check on him and he had climbed out his window and stolen my husbands sports car. Husband called the police and we had them and all his friends looking for him for hours. I left my mom and sis and jumped on the first plane home. He showed up that evening.
    We spoke the next morning and he was very defensive and told me that pot helps him keep depression "at bay". And if we won't let him smoke pot then he might as well just kill himself. Then he locked himself in his bedroom. I called the police out of fear he was hurting himself. They searched his room and found 3 homemade bongs. We have also found out he has been posting videos on youtube on how to make bongs. Quite the entrepreneur, right? As a result of all of the football coaches was also one of the responding sherriffs. They have to report any activity to the sports people. Because the athletes sign an agreement to not use drugs/tabacco/alcohol or they will get kicked off the team. So he had to turn in his football gear yesterday. We also went to counseling yesterday in which he told me he will never forgive me for calling the police and getting him kicked off of football. He said he doesn't love me, he hates me and that I am a pos mother. I told him I would just move out of our house. My husband sides with him most of the time and tells me I over react. Now please keep in mind that my brother and father were both addicts who died at very young ages. My brother also got high and burned our house down and molested me and countless other children. So forgive me if I seem a little PTSD about drugs. The sherriff said that it was up to us if we wanted to press charges for the bongs and the theft of the car. We have decided not to at this time. Last night when we got home, my son came in my room crying hysterically telling me he was so sorry. He said it scared him to death that I want to move out.
    I want to believe him. I want to trust him. But I feel like I have been stabbed in the heart. I can't get out of bed today. I feel so drained. I don't know how to move on from this. My husband and I haven't spoken since counseling. He is on one end of the spectrum where he thinks they should go shoot guns (my son has clinical depression...not a good idea) and even go buy guns. I am on the other end of the spectrum and I don't even think he should be left alone for more than an hour or so. My husband cannot attend regular counseling, as he is in the Navy and in medication school. He only has 4 months left until he finishes. I just don't know what I can do from here. I feel like I can never leave home for fear that something is going to happen. Thank yall for listening. I guess I just needed a safe place to vent.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    15, eh? Just finished grade 9 by any chance? or did he manage to get through grade 10?

    We didn't walk the substance abuse path with difficult child... but we did walk the "off-the-deep-end" path, the anxiety, depression, the ODD behavior (I don't like ODD as a primary diagnosis as it doesn't bring any help with it, but it sure comes in handy in describing problem behavior!), the 24/7 on-guard living.

    You now have two major problems. Somehow you have to deal with both, but I suspect the substance abuse is secondary. He may be struggling in school - not necessarily marks, but the whole school package. School gets exponentially harder every year esp. in HS. There will be a cause for the depression - either organic (i.e. triggered by brain chemistry being out of order), or secondary (as a result of what he has been or is going through). And yes, it's really hard to get help from "the system".
  3. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    by a miracle...he passed 9th grade. but failed math. In the high schools here, you have to fail all classes to fail that grade. They only have 4 classes, 2 of which are electives. I agree...I don't like the ODD diagnosis. I have had doctors and psychiatric. disagree and agree that he has it. It brings no help or resolution...only judgement I feel. I don't want help from the school honestly. They have turned information against us. Like when he went into treatment for depression, they tried to take away his drivers ed class and when I disclosed to the school counselor that we had found drugs, she told the principal who told the wrestling coach who then kicked him off the wrestling team. So much for confidentiality.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Any chance he's somewhere toward an Aspie? i.e. with or without formal diagnosis, maybe only traits, but... kind of thinks like an Aspie?

    Because if so... their differently-wired thinking can take them downhill really fast. Failing math, or even not failing but just seeing no hope of finish school, can send a kid spiralling down fast.
  5. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    no he has been tested for asper. by a few doctors and they said he does not have it.
  6. soapbox

    soapbox Member

    Has he ever been tested for the "other stuff" that often gets missed?
    Such as...

    1) Occupational Therapist (OT) assessment for sensory and motor skills. Yes, you can be a star athlete and have motor skills problems (in that case, typically affecting fine motor skills not gross motor...). Occupational Therapist (OT) has therapies that help for either sensory or motor issues. And no, it isn't too late.

    2) Screening for APDs, especially auditory figure ground and auditory discrimination. Many Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) screening tools used are still "older" ones that don't screen for these, but... these can be a huge problem in school. Auditory figure ground is where the person hears "everything" but has trouble picking out the "important" sounds from the background noise... such as, teacher's voice in a typical classroom (paper rustling, pencils scratching, erasers being dropped, the cough, the rattle in the heater...). There are useful accommodations, even if you can't get access to the technology (personal FM system or sound field system in the class). Auditory discrimination is where the person has trouble with the fine points of hearing - subtle differences in pronunciation, which if you miss, can change the whole meaning. There are Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) therapies that can help that one.

    These things often go with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)/Aspie, but can also stand alone. My difficult child is an "alphabet soup kid"... long list. But all the pieces make sense, and each piece has brought accommodations and interventions.
  7. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    I feel pretty confident his diagnosis is correct..depression, adhd and now substance abuser.
  8. soapbox

    soapbox Member

    ADHD is a common diagnosis. Sometimes it's accurate, sometimes it's partly accurate (for example, it often goes with Aspie), and sometimes it's not accurate at all. We started with an ADD diagnosis, too. It's now the most minor of all the dxes.

    Have you ever asked HIM ... what really bugs him about school? about life? Obviously, the depression has been going on for some time. When did it start? Mine started with anxiety in grade 1... and we can't quite pinpoint when the depression "started", it kind of grew with each school year. And it was definitely SCHOOL triggered. As in... without the dxes and knowledge of what to fight for, everything about school worked against him. He TOLD us that - but school had all the power and all the answers, until... we started getting dxes. Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) diagnosis got him technology and scribes. Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) diagnosis got him accommodations and technology. And the depression battle started being won.
  9. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hi, I don't have any answers or advice but want you to know I am sorry you are going through all of this. Your post brought it all back. I remember that feeling of being afraid to leave him alone. I also remember how my son (16 when he got caught for the first time) vacillated between a ballsy, mouthy man child and a little boy who needed his mommy and wanted my approval.

    I remember feeling on edge like I needed to figure it out and I was really hard on myself. Please learn from my mistake. It consumed me. Don't let it consume you. You don't need to figure it out right now.

    *I will be thinking of you.