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I'm so torn and so sad
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 678368" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Sooz, welcome to our little corner of the world. I am so glad you found us here. You will find much needed support for what you are going through.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is not at all uncommon. Our Difficult Child create chaos in our lives which in turn causes stress which in turn affects our health. I know you love your son but you need to focus on YOU and your well being.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I am glad that you are seeing a therapist but I do have one question. You say you realize it's your fault. Is that something your therapist suggested? If so, you need a new therapist. Please hear me, this is not your fault! All of us here have felt enormous guilt over how our Difficult Child lives have turned out but here's the thing, they, our Difficult Child have a choice as to how they will live their lives.</p><p>I was sexually abused by my bio-father yet I did not go off the deep end. I made a choice to not let it affect me in a negative way.</p><p>Life is all about choices. Yes, as parents we have all made mistakes but our children come of age and it's up to them to make choices for their own lives. From what you have shared I can tell that you are a loving and giving mother. You have done the best that you can.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I too tried to hard to control my son and his actions. You are not alone.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Again, this tells me that you loved your son so much that you did not want to see him suffer or fail. Did you enable him, sure. I too have enabled my son, so have many others here.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Bravo for you! When your son threatened suicide you did the right thing by having him committed. It's a threat you always want to take seriously, however be aware that our d-c's in their manipulative behavior will use threats like this to try and guilt us into doing what they want.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh do I know all about this. I have been there too many times with my son.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I also shared with my son that I felt I made too many mistakes in raising him. All that did was give him ammo to use against me.</p><p>There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We all make mistakes but that does not give our children the right to blame us.</p><p>As I said, my bio-father sexually abused me. When he and mother divorced, my mother sent me to live with him. He swore that he would never do it again. Did my mother make a mistake, absolutely. Did I hold it against her, never.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You have not ruined your son. You do not have that kind of power, no parent does. Your son can turn his life around if he chooses to do so but it has to be his choice.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I had to have my son arrested a few times. I do not regret it. Here's how I look at it. If a stranger were to steal from me or vandalize my home I would call the police. My son should not be treated any different. When we don't hold them accountable we continue to enable their destructive behavior.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Is your therapist helping you to learn how to set boundaries with your son? This is key in learning how to take your life back.</p><p>There is a good article at the top of this forum about detaching, I encourage you to read it.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you are here with us. Please know that you are not alone.</p><p>Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you...............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 678368, member: 18516"] Hi Sooz, welcome to our little corner of the world. I am so glad you found us here. You will find much needed support for what you are going through. This is not at all uncommon. Our Difficult Child create chaos in our lives which in turn causes stress which in turn affects our health. I know you love your son but you need to focus on YOU and your well being. I am glad that you are seeing a therapist but I do have one question. You say you realize it's your fault. Is that something your therapist suggested? If so, you need a new therapist. Please hear me, this is not your fault! All of us here have felt enormous guilt over how our Difficult Child lives have turned out but here's the thing, they, our Difficult Child have a choice as to how they will live their lives. I was sexually abused by my bio-father yet I did not go off the deep end. I made a choice to not let it affect me in a negative way. Life is all about choices. Yes, as parents we have all made mistakes but our children come of age and it's up to them to make choices for their own lives. From what you have shared I can tell that you are a loving and giving mother. You have done the best that you can. I too tried to hard to control my son and his actions. You are not alone. Again, this tells me that you loved your son so much that you did not want to see him suffer or fail. Did you enable him, sure. I too have enabled my son, so have many others here. Bravo for you! When your son threatened suicide you did the right thing by having him committed. It's a threat you always want to take seriously, however be aware that our d-c's in their manipulative behavior will use threats like this to try and guilt us into doing what they want. Oh do I know all about this. I have been there too many times with my son. I also shared with my son that I felt I made too many mistakes in raising him. All that did was give him ammo to use against me. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We all make mistakes but that does not give our children the right to blame us. As I said, my bio-father sexually abused me. When he and mother divorced, my mother sent me to live with him. He swore that he would never do it again. Did my mother make a mistake, absolutely. Did I hold it against her, never. You have not ruined your son. You do not have that kind of power, no parent does. Your son can turn his life around if he chooses to do so but it has to be his choice. I had to have my son arrested a few times. I do not regret it. Here's how I look at it. If a stranger were to steal from me or vandalize my home I would call the police. My son should not be treated any different. When we don't hold them accountable we continue to enable their destructive behavior. Is your therapist helping you to learn how to set boundaries with your son? This is key in learning how to take your life back. There is a good article at the top of this forum about detaching, I encourage you to read it. I'm glad you are here with us. Please know that you are not alone. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. ((HUGS)) to you............... [/QUOTE]
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