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I'm so torn and so sad
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 678370" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Welcome to the forum Sooz and so sorry for your need to be here.</p><p>You have gotten some good advice, so I will be brief......</p><p>GUILT. Don't go there. We are all responsible for our own actions. Even our young adult children. We have all done it, run the tapes of parenting over and over and picked out situations we regret, wondering if that is why our d cs are going off the rails. Stop it. It is not your fault. GUILT. Guilt keeps us in the game of enabling, and takes away from the accountability that belongs to our d cs. They are making bad choices, THEIR choices. The sooner you see this, the better, because you will be able to think with a clear head. Guilt is a fog we get stuck in, that keeps us depressed and unable to be in the present. When we feel guilty for our parenting mistakes (and we have ALL been there) we are taking all of the accountability and fault away from our d cs. This does you, or your son no good. I think our d cs can smell our guilt from miles away, and they latch on to it and use it. It is their weapon.</p><p> My two will even tell me, </p><p>"If you this, or you that, or you didn't this, or that......" </p><p>Culminating in to </p><p>"I AM THIS WAY BECAUSE OF YOU!"</p><p></p><p></p><p>THAT is a big pile of smelly <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/poop.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":poop:" title="poop :poop:" data-shortname=":poop:" />.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I bought into this way too long and it sent me spinning into enabling land for years. The more guilt I felt, the more I got stuck in trying to fix it, the worse they got. Do you know why? Through that fog of guilt, my kids never took on the responsibility for their bad choices. They stole from us too, Sooz. No conscience. No remorse. They had taken my guilt and turned it around as free ticket to go off the rails.......</p><p> This is good. You have done your parenting of your 20 year old adult son. The biggest thing I wished I had done, was look at my younger boy and realize all of the stuff that was happening with his sisters, was affecting HIM. He grew up watching their shenanigans. It was very unfair to him. </p><p>Our younger kids are watching, and learning from their older sibs. They are watching and learning from our responses.</p><p></p><p>The wonderful thing about life, is that every day, every hour, minute and second, we have the chance to do things differently. </p><p>If you cannot stop the madness for yourself, because it is too hard, look at that little blossoming girl of yours, <em>and do it for her</em>. </p><p>She is watching, and learning and waiting. </p><p></p><p>You have parented your son the best you could, under difficult circumstances and it sounds to me like you did a darn good job. All of the values and life lessons you taught him are in there Sooz.</p><p></p><p>Focus on you, hubs and your little girl. Your son will do what he does, until he figures out it doesn't work. </p><p></p><p>Give him his wings, let him go.</p><p></p><p>It is your girls time,<em> she deserves your focus</em>, </p><p>she deserves peace in the home, </p><p>and so do you and your husband.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for your aching heart, I know it is so very hard.</p><p></p><p>You are here now, keep posting and sharing, it really, really helps. </p><p>You are not alone.</p><p></p><p>Take care,</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 678370, member: 19522"] Welcome to the forum Sooz and so sorry for your need to be here. You have gotten some good advice, so I will be brief...... GUILT. Don't go there. We are all responsible for our own actions. Even our young adult children. We have all done it, run the tapes of parenting over and over and picked out situations we regret, wondering if that is why our d cs are going off the rails. Stop it. It is not your fault. GUILT. Guilt keeps us in the game of enabling, and takes away from the accountability that belongs to our d cs. They are making bad choices, THEIR choices. The sooner you see this, the better, because you will be able to think with a clear head. Guilt is a fog we get stuck in, that keeps us depressed and unable to be in the present. When we feel guilty for our parenting mistakes (and we have ALL been there) we are taking all of the accountability and fault away from our d cs. This does you, or your son no good. I think our d cs can smell our guilt from miles away, and they latch on to it and use it. It is their weapon. My two will even tell me, "If you this, or you that, or you didn't this, or that......" Culminating in to "I AM THIS WAY BECAUSE OF YOU!" THAT is a big pile of smelly :poop:. I bought into this way too long and it sent me spinning into enabling land for years. The more guilt I felt, the more I got stuck in trying to fix it, the worse they got. Do you know why? Through that fog of guilt, my kids never took on the responsibility for their bad choices. They stole from us too, Sooz. No conscience. No remorse. They had taken my guilt and turned it around as free ticket to go off the rails....... This is good. You have done your parenting of your 20 year old adult son. The biggest thing I wished I had done, was look at my younger boy and realize all of the stuff that was happening with his sisters, was affecting HIM. He grew up watching their shenanigans. It was very unfair to him. Our younger kids are watching, and learning from their older sibs. They are watching and learning from our responses. The wonderful thing about life, is that every day, every hour, minute and second, we have the chance to do things differently. If you cannot stop the madness for yourself, because it is too hard, look at that little blossoming girl of yours, [I]and do it for her[/I]. She is watching, and learning and waiting. You have parented your son the best you could, under difficult circumstances and it sounds to me like you did a darn good job. All of the values and life lessons you taught him are in there Sooz. Focus on you, hubs and your little girl. Your son will do what he does, until he figures out it doesn't work. Give him his wings, let him go. It is your girls time,[I] she deserves your focus[/I], she deserves peace in the home, and so do you and your husband. I am sorry for your aching heart, I know it is so very hard. You are here now, keep posting and sharing, it really, really helps. You are not alone. Take care, (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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