I'm sorry, I'm trying.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Jan 23, 2010.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    After TL's post, I have really been thinking about my husband.

    I have really been trying to find that happy spot again.

    But dangit....

    Tuesday, Wee got suspended. I spent from 4-9 on the phone or internet working on it. Another hour after 9 writing things up. Wee was bouncing around here and I had to repeatedly get husband off the computer to help with wee so I could take the phone calls.

    Wednesday night, another 2 hours of calls. Same scenario.

    I took a vacation day on Friday to work with the shooting club at an expo. Since the IEP meeting was Friday, and wee was suspended, I spent all but 2 hours of that day doing IEP stuff instead and watching wee, cause grandma's couldn't. I did make the shooting demo and had a blast, by the way.

    I told husband the meeting went really well (he never asked). He said "good". He doesn't even know why wee was suspended.

    This morning was the second day of the expo. I got up and cooked breakfast. husband turned on the tv, and I knew then that he wouldn't be going with us. And I was right.

    Weekend at Bernies was on, he'd be up when it was over, he said. So I went to the expo by myself with both kids and a horse and scheduled to shoot.

    After the movie, husband 'got into another movie'. He didn't show up til 2:30. I shot from noon to 1. easy child and wee were fighting so I had to pay someone to babysit wee.

    husband showed up, looked around the booths, and left.

    He took the truck. I had no wallet, no change of clothes (we have to wear 1800's clothes to shoot in), and a car to bring home 10ft poles and 2 kids in.

    I got home and he's been on the computer for 3 hours and watching tv the rest. He wants to know what's for supper. His boots are under the computer desk, his coat is hanging on the chair, and his pants are wadded up in the corner.

    I'm trying to find something good in this, but I'm just not seeing it. I had fun shooting and with my friends. The kids had a great time. easy child bought a beautiful belt with her Christmas money and wee won the POA coloring contest because he was the only kid who colored spots on his pony. lol
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2010
  2. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Shari -

    Marriage is a partnership, not a one way street. You are trying, but it doesn't sound like husband is at all.

    I guess you need to decide if you can - or want - to live the rest of your life like this. I promise you, you deserve so much more.

  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    There is your something good. :)

    How spoiled is your husband?? Not judging, just asking. My husband was horribly spoiled by me in the first 10 years or so of our marriage. Seriously. Think Edith Bunker for pete's sake. lol And each year he got worse and worse.

    Then one day I got fed up. I stopped doing for husband. Completely. If he wanted to eat he knew where the kitchen was. If he wanted clean clothes he knew where the laundry room was.......ect. But I still did everything else I normally did.

    Took like 3 weeks for it to sink in. husband is slow. lol Then he asked me what was up. I told him since he was putting in zero effort into the family and into me, I was returning the exact same to him. Then asked him how it felt.

    He snapped out of it for a while. But we're still running in that gear. He does nothing, then I refuse to do anything for him at all. I'm using the Do to Get principle. Unfortunately he just isn't getting it or doesn't really care. I think it's the latter actually.

    At least you got to have some fun.
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I didn't clean the house or do dishes for over a month recently. Didn't even change the cat boxes. Doesn't phase him. He'll scrounge around and finagle around what he needs for himself, and he's fine with that. I finally couldn't stand it anymore. Its gonna take more than that.

    He used to do things. It was never 50/50, but that's ok. But the more I did, the less he'd do. Now? Literally, he'll probably fill the stock tank, and he might load the dishwasher, but he won't rinse the dishes, so it won't clean them.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I agree with Heather. This won't work if only one of you is working on it. Unless you are willing to be the designated adult. I wasn't willing. Probably why I'm on Husband 3.0, but what a difference in this marriage! Hubby really does try, most of the time.

    Many, many hugs and lots of support.
  6. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Shari -

    Is it possible he's depressed? A lot of what you describe with his behavior kinda sounds like depression.

    Depressed people are hard to live with. Trust me, I know. I've been one for a long time. But, if he is and is willing to get help, it might make all the difference in the world.
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, I used to ride husband like crazy on this stuff. If I told him to do stuff, and it didn't get done, there was holy hockey sticks to pay. It made life hard for both of us. Then we saw a therapist for a while who helped us to understand that we both love each other and I notice things while he doesn't. He doesn't want to make me unhappy, so he should do these things around the house (which I can't do, by the way) because I need his help, and both of us need to understand that it doesn't mean that the other one doesn't love them if we ask (repeatedly and in a more urgent tone each time) or if we don't do what we're asked to do. IOW, I get to keep nagging until he does it, and no one gets to think that there's anything less than love involved.

    Mind you, this is 3 years of therapy encapsulated into one paragraph. But it was the bottom line for us.

    I'm with Heather. He sounds depressed. It took me two years of active therapy to get husband on prozac, though.
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I've wondered and I don't think so.

    Complete lack of participation in the fam is really all that's "wrong". He doesn't sleep more or less, eat more or less, etc. If I get a group together to go riding, he'll jump right in. If other people are involved, he's right there. Just us, he'd rather be in front of the tv. But I could be wrong.

    And he'd never seek help. You'd think after 15 years, you'd know someone, but there were still plenty of surprises.

    My best friend takes an AD. He can't beleive she "has to use that kinda stuff".

    The admin where he works got divorced. He can't beleive her ex has to pay child support on their two ADOPTED kids.

    Random comments he has made in the past couple years that make me go "WTH?"
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Another good thing is easy child 1 said I look amish.

    Our outfits are supposed to reflect the late 1800's, so I guess its effective...
  10. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I was able to fake it for a lot of years around others. But, at home...nope.

    I'm not saying he is or isn't depressed. Just that people get good at hiding it.
  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    a week ago, easy child 1 invited husband to go fishing tomorrow. husband "was thinking about it".

    He asked me tonight if I was going to see my new neice tomorrow. I said probably, if he's going fishing with easy child 2. And asked if he was going fishing. He said "thinking about it".

    easy child 1 asks me if husband is going fishing, I told him what he told me, then I ask husband why he hasn't talked to easy child. "he doesn't know if easy child has room".

    So I get ticked and ask WTH is going on. I get the run around, but it finally comes out that he intends to take my truck and go by himself.

    Great. Except "the lake" is 2 hours away, he has no money, and I agreed to haul some horses to their new pasture tomorrow, for pay, but he's planning to leave at 7am in the truck.

    This is info I need to know!!!!

    And not for nothing, the whole fam enjoys fishing, if you're not going with the guys, why don't ya take the kids and make a day of it???
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2010
  12. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Raising hand high to flutter's comment. I can usually hold it together at work, but not always at home. When it got to where I could not keep up a good front at work, when I was having almost panic attacks at work, and could barely do my job I got help, got medications. husband's psychiatric hospital stay pushed me over the edge I had been teetering on for a long time.

    If he won't get help? Then I am sorry. With my husband I finally gave him an ultimatum, see a psychiatrist or leave. No if ands or buts. I do not make ultimatums like that likely, and the last time it was with his drinking and he was gone for over a year. He did not drink at all for 8yrs. Now he will have a beer every so often, but with his medications it makes him sick and he does not drink like he used to. I think he was self medicating before.

    The ugly decision is unfortunately left up to you. It is not an easy one. If nothing changes, can you live with how things are now? That for me was a very hard question to answer, and still is sometimes.

    Glad the outfits were good. I laughed at the Amish comment, just cracks me up.
  13. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Shari - He's cocooning himself. I don't know why, but he is. He doesn't see anything outside of his little cocoon. It sounds like he's made his world very small.

    There's a good book about living with a depressed person. I can't think of it and I've taken my sleepy medications. I'll try to find it tomorrow.

    Send me a PM to remind me. My memory is not to be counted on.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Shari it's possible he could be depressed. Believe it or not, my husband suffers from depression.......well, I guess he does as trazadone makes him a likable human being who is pleasant to be around. lol Found out by accident when the fam doctor gave it to him to help him sleep. lol

    husband would've never sought out help. Nope. But once we found out the drastic change it made in him I wouldn't let him stop taking it. Except now I've got to get him back to fam doctor to get it........which is why I can barely tolerate being around him right now.

    My husband has never wanted anything to do with family activity. Ever. Trazadone helps this though, some. He'd sit in front of the tv or computer 24/7 if he had his way. He has no friends. Has no interest in having friends. He has no interest in our kids or the grand kids.

    I've caught myself think of him as a complete waste as far as a human being is concerned. (awful huh?) Because he seems to have no real interest in anything or anyone but himself.

    I've lived with mine for 27 very long years. sigh
  15. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Shari, sweetie, please do not take the thread I wrote as a criticism or a reason not to come here & vent. Please.

    I was just expressing my feelings on a day that I was terribly sad & reflective. And worrying about my board friends here with all the stressors of a difficult child (or 2 or 3) plus trying to maintain a healthy relationship. Those were my personal feelings & I felt safe sharing them here.

    I'm sorry husband is struggling to be part of the family unit. husband & I took many many separate outings ~ we needed a break from each other; I think mostly because just looking at one another reminded us of our home life & the chaos of the tweedles.

    You work on you as that's all you can do. You're one of the best Shari's I know. ;)
  16. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    You may want to implement a family contract between you and husband, husband and I agreed in writing that he would cook dinner3 out of the 7 nights, instead of me doing EVERYTHING. Also, he does the food shoping, as I never get anything "good". We also put in there that we will each mess up at times. He has to help with chores, but we kept it simple, there is no way I can care for kids, house, myself (that part suffered) and yet watch a grown man, stronger than me, never help, it's beyond frustrating. I was gone for a month and husband surprised me by doing everything, he had no choice.The kids stepped up as well. I could not come back to that- It was killing me. Problems are not just one person, it's a whole family dynamic.
  17. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh, Linda, I know you weren't picking on me. I have just been more aware, since your thread, of my thoughts of husband.

    And try as I might, I can't pull out anything from these past few days to cling to. He said he would go with me to the shoot (these are people he considers his friends, too) and help with the kids. And he didn't because of the flippin' tv. Again. I can't even tell you how many times that same scenario has happened ("we'll leave when this show is over...") Thank goodness I knew someone there who wasn't also shooting that could watch wee, because if I'd gone thru all that and didn't get to do my thing, I'd have been really irate. I'm used to my plans being knocked down because of wee and his issues...but this wasn't wee..

    That was always a really good point in my relationship with husband. We remained our own people...I didn't feel the need to follow him everywhere. Nor did he feel the need to follow me. That part is just apparently working too well right now.

    UAN I don't wish to go away for the same reasons you did, but I wish I could go away for a while so he would have to step up to the plate...I'd be very interested to know if he would or could.
  18. ML

    ML Guest

    You said the more you do the less he does. I'd do less. Stop doing the stuff he *will* notice. The fact that he noticed you hadn't cooked dinner tells me there is one place you could do less that will get noticed. I echo the sentiment that it is a two way street. Sometimes one gives more but both have to give SOMETHING or it doesn't work. I wish there were easy solutions but there are not. The best answer I know is that the less is done for you, the more you have to do for you. I know how disappointed you must feel.
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What would happen if the TV stopped working for awhile? Arent you one of those parents who only let their kid watch dvd's? The no tv wouldnt work here because we are addicted to it and we all watch regular tv and I would go into DT's but I think you have said you dont watch it.

    If you could go without it and just watch dvd's then fake breaking it and only use dvd's.
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It seems that he is getting a pass on a lot of things. "I'll think about it" until the night before is a "no". I don't know that I would call him in advance, but I would make it clear what my plans for the day were well ahead of time.

    Just because he won't communicate with you is no reason to give up on communication. You know what your plans are. Make sure he knows about them. And he'd have no doubt in his mind that going fishing without difficult child is not an option if difficult child has be kind enough to want to go with him all week long.

    I'm sorry, I'm really angry at him right now. Hurricane Witzend would be storming through your house for a day or two right now, and everyone would definitely understand what was expected of them toot sweet.