I'm spiraling down into black hole

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Anxworrier, Sep 9, 2012.

  1. Anxworrier

    Anxworrier New Member

    My ds, 13, is odd. Not a diagnosis from doctor. God forbid I ever get him to a doctor. He is non compliant about getting help, thinks there is no problem, defensive and angry.

    I am the absolute worst mom to be his mom. I am shy, non confrontational, feel responsible for everyone's feelings and whatever the emotions are in my home, I feel the weight of them all on my chest. Had a drama yesterday with my ds. About school work he wasn't getting done. Two wks into school. I know I need to over see everything he does and make sure it's getting done so that he doesn't fail. Otherwise he will just be in him room with door shut and on video game addidcted to. Heis not doing sports now, never wants to leave house for anything. And I am freaking out.

    Mostly i need to get myself to a doctor for medications which I will be embarrasses toask for. But if I dont get some anti anxiety and anti depressants iwontbeable to function at home or work. I'm scared for his future.
  2. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Been there, done that. I kow EXCACTLY how you feel. Deep breathe. In...out...in...out.

    Tell us more about your son and your family. Is his father in the picture? What kind of student is he? Does he behave in school and fall apart when he walks in the house? You say that you think he's ODD? Could there be anything else going on with him? Anxiety, depression, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)? Can you speak to his pediatrician about his behavioral problems? If you can bring it up while he's at a physical appointment, that might be a good place to start. If you don't want to talk to the doctor about it in front of him ask if you can speak to the doctor privately. I've done this and it works well.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has he always been that way? I'm wondering if he has some sort of disorder and maybe you do too.
  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board,
    You're clearly overwhelmed and cycling the "worst case scenario" thinking over and over again. What you describe sounds like (to an untrained person like me) depression and anxiety Perhaps you could personally benefit from speaking with a therapist or psychologist. It is difficult to take the first step, but since you say your son would never even see a dr., if you seek help and are vocal and upbeat about it, perhaps ds would be less resistant.
  5. Anxworrier

    Anxworrier New Member

    Thank you for response! You hit the nail on the head. Im cycling round in my head about the worst what ifs. What if I never can get him to acknowledge that he needs help. Will he runaway, will he fail school. Will I never get him thru high school. Will he get violent when he hits puberty. Will I ever feel happiness again.
    Ithink the first step is to get me calmed down and I acknowledge that my require medications.

    little bit about me...45, married to great guy who is 47 who has add but won't take medications doesn't like them. He also has a temper I think. But we dont fight becausei do everything to avoid it. I will do everything around house myself rather than demand help from family cuz i cant handle the emotions of them complaining etc. I grew up with a difficult older sibling who caused my parents so much anxiety and heart ache. Checked herself into psychiatric wards, got elec shock, lost some memory and kept getting in trouble, stole from my parents, they called police on her. I was the perfect middle child. Perfectionist, got high grades, wanted to please parents, teachers, friends, never started anyproblems, shied away from confrontation. Super sensitive, non confrontational, watching myarents discipline sister made me physically sick. Got migraines starting at six and still have them.

    Am now feeling like I'm gonna shut down from the stress of dealing w sons issues.

    When son was five ish I thought he was explosive,inflexible ala dr Ross Greene. As he has aged I think its odd and maybe depression and anxiety and maybe learning problem? He does the bare minimum and is angered if you try to push him. But I am such a terrible weak door mat kind of mom that I can't handle the idea of forcing him to do anything regarding testing or counseling or medications. It's like I am afraid of him. But on the other hand he can be so sweet and cute and helpful when he senses i need it. He talks about when he plays baseball in college as if his oblivious to the fact that he may never get there. I've thought he is delayed in his executive function skills cuz his reactions are always our of proportion to the situation. Most feelings he has go to anger. Disappointment...anger. Frustration...anger. Gentle confrontation about school...anger. His tolerance threshold is very low.

    My daughter 16 is loving sweet not the best student only cuz doesn't try totally hard, occasional melt downs when overwhelmed with high school work but totally normal. No rages...​
  6. Anxworrier

    Anxworrier New Member

    My guess for him is anxiety depression odd add.
    Myguess for me is anxiety, depression, fearing confrontation, panic attacks when things get bad with son. I avoid anything that will set him off. Take on everyones emotions and cannot handle it. Can't handle listening to husb when he wants to confront son and then they would both escalate and imterrified what would happen. Wlk on egg shells at home. Terrified to talk to teachers cuz I wil cry. Feeling sense of dread all the time.
  7. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Welcome! medications sounds like a great idea. I was wondering if therapy would help as well. Your description of your reactions to confrontation sound like my PTSD. It would probably be helpful to have a therapist walk you through some of the confrontation it would take to get your son some help. You sound very intelligent and like a loving mom.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Yes, sometimes we have to get help for ourselves, too.

    Back to your son. ODD is, in my opinion, no more than a placeholder diagnosis - it acknowledges that there is a problem (i.e. it isn't all in your head!), but provides no other help - no accommodations, interventions, therapies or medications. It is a red flag, though.

    Depression/anxiety is another red flag. Often in young men, what comes across as anger and defiance is really a mask for serious depression.

    And yet - having said that - I'd be very doubtful that a mood disorder is his primary problem.

    More likely, there are some missing dxes. Whatever these are, the lack of accommodations/interventions/therapies/medications really complicates things fast. When kids don't get help for their real problems, the problems just multiply. Among the most common add-on dxes are depression, anxiety and ODD.

    Has he ever been formally evaluated for developmental issues (ADD/ADHD is a developmental issue; there are a raft of others, from Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) to Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD))? Ever had an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation for sensory and motor skills issues?

    How does he do in quiet environments, as compared to noisy ones? Even the best classrooms are VERY noisy.
  9. Anxworrier

    Anxworrier New Member

    He had speech therapy in k and 1st. But they never tested further. We are at a Montessori school, so he has done well with loving teachers who have allowed him his space and been generous with giving him time for work. This year he switched campuses to middle school for seventh grade and it is very different set of expectations. So after two wks I had to conf with one teacher and hear that he wasn't doing all his work, and when confronted he just lied yes I did over and over. Wouldn't back down. I started getting that panicky feeling that things are going to spiral downward and he will fail school, never succeed, become enraged at school when he getsconfronted by teachers who won't let him get away within. It could get bad. And I'm terrified to deal with it. He is about as big as me, it's not like I can carry him into a dr office kickin and screaming, and I wonder if I meet with school Special Education lady, if she agreed there was a need to test him for add or learning problem, he probably would just act ugly and refuse to coop.
    Im freaking out.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I haven't had to go this road... we came close, though. But some have had to force a psychiatric hospital stay, to get an evaluation done. If he a danger to himself or others - and at this point, you are afraid of him... - then you need to be working with MH professionals who know which approach is likely to be safe, AND have a back-up plan such as psychiatric hospital. Don't just go into this cold. You need a plan first, and all the resources lined up to deal with possible outcomes. THEN you can try stuff.
  11. dixiegirl40

    dixiegirl40 Guest

    I've been in your shoes. I want to share an analogy with you because I believe that whether or not your son has a learning disability or something else, until you get help you won't be able to help him. The analogy is that of the instructions they give you while traveling on an airplane. They tell you, should the oxygen masks fall because of low levels in the plane FIRST put your mask on THEN put your child's on. Why? If you are oxygen deprived how can you help your child? You can't. The same is true about asking for help with your anxiety. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). The best advice I've ever been given was to ask myself that if I had a disease like diabetes would I refuse insulin because I didn't want to take medications? No. I wouldn't. Anxiety is a disease too and just as crippling as any other medical problem. Ask for help. Your doctor won't laugh or think you're crazy. Then you will be in a position to help your child. All 3 of my children have learning disabilities and medical issues. It's stressful. But if I don't take care of me then I'm no good to them. (((HUGS))) your way!
  12. Anxworrier

    Anxworrier New Member

    Thank you so much! I'm feeling better with these posts about making myself an appointment tomorrow with my doctor. I have a new doctor only met once but she seemed nice. I primarily talked to her about my migraines. I skipped over the depressive tendencies I have. Ive been off anti dep medications for awhile now,
    . But I think I need to get back on some but what I really need to do is get the nerve to say I need anxiety medications too. We are going to be facing some crises with my son depending on how he continues to adjust to the new middle school level of effort required. I feel I need either some medication that would be daily or maybe a diff type that is for panic times. Confession time...today I started crying in controllable, almost hyperventilating and close to gagging myself into puking. I texted a friend down the street if I could have an Ativan and she brought me one and amazingly after I finished crying, I stopped shaking, stopped heart racing, and my mind even slowed down. I got laundry done and even made dinner. I'm still fixating on my fears right now but I need help. I am gonna look into therapy for myself and maybe husband to start getting parenting help. If I can get the nerve to make the call.
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hopefully you have a doctor who knows all the ins and outs of medications. Our psychiatrist uses a particular AD for difficult child, because it is both anti-depressant AND anti-anxiety. There are ways to treat both.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    After reading all these posts, I honestly think you need therapy so you can help both your son and yourself. Take it from one who has been on medications since age 23 (I'm 59) and has also had therapy. medications are necessary if you are depressed and can't snap out of it or bipolar or so anxious you shake, BUT alone they don't change much about our personality traits. It's the therapy that helps that part. medications will not give you the courage to face confrontations or to help your son or to deal with your husband. It won't help you learn to take back your power so that you're not a doormat.

    You really need to deal with your own issues on a couple of levels so that you can help your beloved son.
  15. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I think that in order to help your son you need to help youself first. Are you able to make time to consult with a therapist? This might be invaluable to you because it will give you a safe place (besides here) to talk about what is going on at home, might give you some ideas how to deal with him. medications for you might be what you need to help keep you from spiraling down that black hole. You may not need them for the rest of your life. You might just need them to get you over the hump while you work on you and your son's issues. I did this and it helped me get through the worst part of getting my son onto a better path. You've had alot of trauma in your past and now you see that trauma repeating itself in your son. Naturally you're feeling the way you are feeling. Once you start getting yourself into a better place you can start working on getting your son into his own better place, too.